(For my) Parents.

You brought me into this world,
taught me everything I needed to know to survive.
It's amazing how close I feel to you,
That feeling, where you don't have to pretend,
that I feel so often with others.
Just being myself,
the highs and lows no longer matter,
you are proud of them both.
that for me is the best feeling in the world.

Your strength keeps me going,
and your words are my strength.
Your positive nature keeps me grounded,
and your energy is my thriving force.
Your nurture helps me grow,
and your hugs are my home.

You are the significant part of my life.
You shaped me, with allowing me to stray,
constant support, without asserting control.
Your guidance was second to none, and I am so thankful,
and now we have a closeness, that I'd only dreamed about.

Thankyou for your unconditional love xx

32 weeks - heading into 33 weeks!

This weekend my parents came over. Kane was working for 3 days straight over it so we just hung out. Thursday arvo they came over and I showed them what I had so far for the baby and they had brought over the change table and some other gifts I received at the baby shower. Dad put the  bouncer I got from my Aunty Wen together.  He also put the change table together and we went shopping. We ended up buying lots for the baby and me it was awesome I love my parents so much! We are so spoilt!

Just some photos from the weekend :)

31 weeks!

31 weeks tomorrow. These weeks are going quicker and quicker!
It blows my mind.
This week baby is the size of a pineapple.
I found something and edited it- to describe how we feel

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Tied down. What an interesting metaphor. I told them we didn’t see it that way. Our child will not be rope to bind us, or a rock to weigh us down. This is lightness, release, liberty. Through this experience we've already felt a new found love, sharing life, inspiring and being inspired. Every day from the beginning has been a celebration, every moment a delight.

No one is the right age to be tied down. Humans are designed to be free. Are we too young to fly a kite, to float on clouds, to ride a magic carpet? Are we too young to laugh, to sing songs, to be in awe, to understand the truth as only a child can reveal it? No way. Life is too magical living inside our imaginations.

We’ve both experienced tied down, and this is the opposite. This is the amazement of life and we are proud to whatever has to come in the future.
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tutors/lectuers who do my head in.

After 3 years at uni, I don't know if it's just social work tutors/lecturers, but I am SO sick of the odd tutor/lecturer who thinks we don't have a life outside of uni. The ones who expect you'll go to every single class no matter what (sometimes completely impossible) and really play the guilt trip when you can't make it, or don't even want to hear an excuse, they have already assumed you're just slack.

They are always the ones who don't like granting extensions, why have extensions if you don't want to grant any, EVER?

They always try to exert their power energetically to make you feel like you're never doing good enough, and yes THIS MAY work for some people (not actually sure who) it actually offers the complete opposite effect for me. It does not empower me, it does not make me want to go to class more, it does not make me feel positive, it makes me want to not go, to drop out and to never return because you make me feel so uncomfortable EVERY single class (and I am never the only one!)

Your words are contradictory and when the whole class feels the same way, you're not doing it right. You're there to teach, not be our mothers and boss us around or make us feel like we're not doing good enough, I'm pretty sure every single student is already self talking themselves with that nonsense!

The hardest part is I can see through the act and I can't say anything because if I did you'd just rationalise it to yourself and I'd be the one full of shit. I've seen your type too many times!

I have one of these this year, she was really rude to a girl whose Nan had died and she wanted an extension saying it's not a 'good enough excuse'. WOW just wow. How can someone teach about empathy? How can someone say not to exert power and work with narrative therapy? How can someone talk about engaging and LISTENING skills when they treat people like this?

She is the only tutor I haven't told I'm pregnant, because I feel so uncomfortable. Considering I've felt comfortable telling the other tutors plus students, I doubt it's just me feeling anxious.

You remind me of that psycho lecturer who rang my mobile one day just to tell me it was 'against university policy to walk out of a lecture' because I found her lecture to be completely useless and she was being nasty to students who asked questions. I realised I was being bullied and told another tutor, who told me no-one liked her - even the teaching staff and she'd be losing her 'internal' position next semester. HOW do these kinds of people get into educating ANYONE?

In a perfect world, these lecturers and tutors would understand the world does NOT revolve around just THEIR class and we have 1. Other things to do in our life, 2. Other subjects to study and write assignments for/attend and 3. We are not ALL making up excuses for extensions or days we can't attend, most of the time it's legit.

Hitting 31 weeks this week! Only 6 weeks til full term and 9 weeks til Estimated due date!

Pregnancy is weird.It does remind me a lot of what I was like when I was really depressed funnily enough - however the depression is different as I find personally pregnancy it’s just small spurts of anxiety and not really sadness, just little freakouts and backed up with OMG I GET TO MEET MY DAUGHTER!

Some days I have these overwhelming feelings like I JUST DONT WANT TO BE PREGNANT ANYMORE AGH I WANT TO FEEL NORMAL AND NOT LIKE A GIANT SWAMP MONSTER and some days I am just SO DAMN overjoyed that I get to meet my little girl in a few weeks and I love pregnancy, love my belly, love everything about it!

I think it doesn’t help my brain doesn’t function properly of course with baby brain etc and I am trying to write assignments. Everyday I go through the same 2 thoughts, WHY DID I SAY FULL TIME UNI IS A GOOD IDEA WHILST PREGNANT? then…..It’s only 5 more weeks, calm it down woman!
So many confusing thoughts.
I don’t even THINK about labor, or contractions, or the pain or anything. So many girls I see are freaked out about it all, but it honestly isn’t something that comes into my mind or plagues me. I’d LOVE to do a home birth next time, but I’m just not concerned, I think because I am VERY intuitive when it comes to how I feel and what I feel that I know I will be very low on stress as that’s just how I am, I’m fantastic at positive self talk!
I’m actually more worried about what the hell I’m going to eat for dinner because I AM SO RAVENOUS!
ahaha.
Pregnant life mate.
This week marks 31 weeks!
Hitting the third trimester milestone was ace, but I think hitting the 30’s is even better, I’m not noticing much difference except she is growing exponentially and I know between 28-30w my body was trying to adapt to more hormones and I was very emotionally rollercoastering, but otherwise I feel much better lately. Any symptoms I might have - headaches, exhaustion, trouble sleeping, frustration, even hip pain will last for a day and that’s it and I seem to bounce back pretty quickly. I’m noticing my hip is reaaaaally bad for a day (usually sat or sunday) and that must be the uterus pressure/baby growing as it gets better the next day. I just smother it with pain reliever cream and use a heatpack and make sure Im sitting comfortably and I wake up find the next day. Just have to remind myself to rest!

I can’t believe that in 6 weeks I am full term! So incredible! I will be making sure I have everything ready! I’ve got Mum & dad visiting not next weekend but the one after and they will be bringing up the change table and other bits and pieces I got from people at the baby shower. SO excited! That will make it all a little more real! We will also be getting a mattress for the cot so we can set it all up! I need to get some plastic containers for under the bed/cot too!
Some things I need to get for myself are some maternity pads and anything I want or need for Labor/after delivery. I’ve got a list but I don’t think there’s too much there, it’s just making sure my Ipad is charged and camera is ready to go plus clothes and uggboots :)
So really….I’ve got 2 assignments due this week, I’ve finished one and nearly finished the other….then it’s 2 assignments due early may and 3 assignments due at the end of may and that’s it. Thank goodness, I don’t know how long I can keep it up! It drains me so much! I don’t know how pregnant women work full time! I get 3 days off and I still find it so hard!
Cannot frikken wait :D

Things I’ve learnt from reading & researching from other mothers as a ftm;

Things I didn’t know before I got pregnant.
I need to understand my body will not produce milk from day 1 and it will provide colostrum, however the newborn does not need tons of milk to start with and it could be a trying time with being exhausted from labor+birth, but I need to understand it could be hard to get my baby to latch and not to be hard on myself.

I want to understand I am going to be exhausted because it’s all on me to feed and look after this tiny human at first.

I want to understand that it won’t be easy and that I will need to ask for help and support when I need.

I want to understand that my hormones will probably be going anywhere and everywhere after I give birth, as well as emotions, and could do for a while.

I want to understand that my baby will cry as they are learning as much as I’m learning, it may get hard but we will eventually work it out between ourselves.

I want to understand that I won’t be/feel 100% after birth and I will possibly be in pain (most likely) and bleed for weeks after giving birth.

I want to understand for myself personally, that birth can be as easy or as hard as I make it, I can stress less and keep the negative thoughts out no matter how bad the pain will get during the 4 stages of labor, and try to make it the natural experience it is for my body to be doing this. I need to make sure I go with all intuitions and feelings.

I want to understand that my birth may not go to plan and I need to be ready for anything! I want to understand it is my choice as to how I parent my child.
I think it’s important to understand these things - for myself & others who may feel this way;

I am not a failure if my boobs can’t/won’t breastfeed properly/don’t produce milk.

I am not a failure because I feel emotional/hormonal/down after birth as it sounds like a very overwhelming experience - including what could be hours of labor and birth.

I am not a failure because I feel nervous and am not sure what to do with a newborn, this will all come natural and I will get the hang of it.

I have aimed for my pregnancy experience to be positive and so far it has been positive. With small anxieties from the first trimester - mostly fear of miscarriage due to stress at the time, and other anxieties in the second trimester due to moving house/starting uni/little fights with Kane from my hormonal switch and irritability-  I feel in the third trimester I am ready to take this head on!

I am HOPING there will be the ability for a water birth (fingers crossed) as that feels more right than ever, however if not  (I don’t know as I haven’t even had that conversation with my obs/midwife & haven’t toured the hospital yet) I will be happy either way!

I am happy for the baby to come when she is ready even if I am uncomfortable and I am hoping for a safe and natural birth without painkillers or epidural, because I do wholeheartedly believe my body can do this completely naturally as my body is ready for this, it is meant for this and I know I can do this!
If it all changes in the process, I just ultimately hope my baby is healthy and I can’t wait to meet her :)
I’m 30 weeks pregnant this week.
My countdown so far…..milestones I am looking forward to;
April 8 - Back to uni - off holidays - only 6 weeks to go!
April 25 - Parents visiting Melbourne for the weekend & bringing us lots of baby stuff :)
May 24 - Finish Uni for the semester! - I get to rest & get ready for her arrival yay!
May 29 - Reached full term! 37 weeks pregnant!
.and then… nest! & …Wait for the arrival of Lily Beth :)