One of the best way to teach healthy coping mechanisms and how to get through the hard times is have it come from someone who has come from the hardest times.
When I look back at what I have been through, not just digging up the past and have it cause me issue, these things no longer cause me pain.
The things I have been through;
Battle with depression, suicide, anxiety, disconnection, disassociation, lost and directionless, feeling numb, pain, emotional, drinking, drugs, smoking, sex, meeting the wrong guys, letting the wrong guys in my life which resulted to painful experiences, not loving, or liking myself, dealing with that for quite a long time and the ups and downs that go with that and emotional eating.
But I feel like, I was still living that life even when I got pregnant and when I got pregnant my whole life had to change, I had to become completely sober from all of this that caused me pain and want to escape.
There is no doubt that through all of this, I have experienced the absolute highs and lows. Motherhood is a strange, yet wonderful experience. With your first child, you have no idea what you are getting into, until you experience it you just cannot know, like many things in life.
I had some serious depression through motherhood. A lot of that was because of me not looking after myself, what I was eating, drinking, not getting out, isolation, feeling abandoned, feeling lonely without friends, husband and family due to new to area.
I was experiencing some serious let downs, I felt let down by everyone. But, I can see now I was creating a victim self.
2.5 years later, I have cut the sugar out, cut the alcohol out, I have started ongoing emotional healing, I have spent a lot of time, looking within for answers. I have started to heal from the inside out. Things that happened to me as a child, that I could not avoid, things that happened because that was the circumstances we were in.
In the end, stress is a natural part of life, going up and downs are neccesary in life for us to breakthrough to the other side, as painful as it can be.
I am grateful for these experiences, as I was able to see the other side of how life can be when in that specific world. Experiencing the highs, the lows, the dark and the light of life is important to change perception.
I am grateful for these experiences. Even the day I decided I wanted to die. I was ready to do it, I had drank so much alcohol and I grabbed the razer and I missed and hit my thumb and I had to look after that cut as it was deep. I think, wow what if I had succeeded? I would be missing out on all that I have today and the relationships that I hold so dear, now. because I let myself experience life and didn;t cut it short.
there is a huge issue with pharmaceutical companies and doctors, telling us to take all these prescription drugs to take away pain, they think we don’t need to feel, they think they can fix it with a tablet everything will be okay. But mental illness is about healing the wounds.
Anyone who goes into alcohol or drugs, they don’t do it because they want to. They don’t make the choice. They make the choice because their wounds are deep and traumatic. Yes there are people who experience trauma and they don’t go into alcohol or drugs, but they have their crutches too, even if it’s food, or even emotional crutches, manipulative crutches. It is not their fault.
It is not a conscious thought. I didn’t wake up one day and say, I want to be a shit person, drink for 12 years, hate myself more and more each day in an attempt to forget myself.
I did it because I was hurting, I wanted to cover the pain up.
The night I stopped drinking, was because I had drank so much I blacked out and I did not even know what was happening.
After that was hard, the anxiety, the fear, the depression was so intense, if I didn’t have support I would not have made it. The #1 word there is support.
It is not about fixing people, it’s about helping those who are ready to communicate and heal.
We don’t need quick fixes.
When I first started coming off alcohol, it was 8 years ago, I relapsed over and over again, that was okay too.
For the first time I am healthy going through this anxiety and depression. I am sleeping Okay, I am not emotional eating and I am not drinking to cover the pain up.
For once it was a raw emotion. Laying on my bed in a fetus position, this is the rawest feeling I have felt when it comes to emotion. I was shaking uncontrollably, I was twitching, I felt like I was actually going to die as I started hyperventilating. But I calmed myself down, I texted Kane and it took my mind off it.
I think it is the first time I have really felt like that. I felt like I was going to hold my breath, I couldn’t get my lungs working and my lungs hurt after. I’ve had anxiety attacks before but not like that. But I brought rational thought in, I cried, I calm myself down, I let it out.
and for the first time, I realised that I used to be really blaming when I felt in that space, I had felt abandoned, lonely, I blamed those around me for not looking after me.
But for the first time, I realised I had to be there for myself. This IS a natural up and down, this IS stressful, and what am I doing for myself? Am I taking time out? Am I looking after myself? Am I calming myself down when I need to? It was me. I was in control of it all the time.
I was not a victim.
No-ne has abandoned me. Kane has to work to pay our livelihood and unfortunately his work takes him for 14 hours a day at the moment.
I used to accuse him of many things, I expected him to fix things, things he really couldn’t fix or help at all.
I was lonely. But who could help that? I know I just need to get through this, this is all temporary.
I am only lonely because I have lost connection with myself.
Friends, family, or a relationship can only give you one part of a connection, the most important part of connection, is YOUR connection with yourself.
Just because I have cut all these things out of my diet, did not mean I would not feel pain, stress or just be so done. It did not make life perfect. Motherhood is painful, emotional, it is hard. But it is also the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done and something I always wanted.
Even though i felt broken today, mind body and soul, I got my breath going, I decided it was time for rest, because in the end I became aware of what I needed to heal, what I needed to love, and the need to look after myself.
I made the choice to say, I am ready to feel the pain for the right reasons, I am ready to heal from what has happened and I am ready to accept it is MY experience to get past this, dropping the blame and expectation on others. It is really hard, but it is important.

I lost myself somwhere between pain and numb
Laying down, shaking uncontrollably
Sobbing, the deepest, darkest pain out of me
I felt like I left my body.

Sitting back, watching myself curl up on the bed,

trembling, twitching, crumbling

One part of me was telling me I was weak
Weak for being broken, not strong enough like everyone else
The other part, was proud for breaking down,
because the only way is up from here,

I lost my breath, amongst all the anger and fear,
and believed that right there, I was going to die

This raw pain, is not something I was subject to often,
but it is also something that was not new for me.

I felt angry. Angry that I was alone in this moment,
when I needed someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me it was going to be okay.

But, in that moment, I felt my other self, wrap their arms around me,
Tell me everything is going to be okay, and to surrender and completely love myself.

I picked myself up, I wiped my tears, I found my breath,

and I kept going…

I had not given up yet, so I am not going to give up today.

Theres something about you

Theres something about you

I don’t know yet…


But I stay here…

I lay  awake at night…

My mind, it wanders through the night

and I get lost in my thoughts, twisting and turning inside my head
then I come back to you

and I feel…

safe

There’s something about the way you look at me

There’s something about the way you make me feel

In a way I’ve never


and now when I lay awake at night

and my mind wanders…

I think about you

and my thoughts calm

There’s something about you

There’s something about the way you make me feel…

Like home.