Old.

Its amazing how my anxiety was at its best when I was a drunk.
I miss how it took away my fears and manic urges.
I took myself off my medication, it does nothing. I feel more anxious than ever.
It’s funny though. i get angry at my boyfriend for not being able to hide his anxiety better, how rude of me. It’s just I have spent my lifetime hiding what happens in my mind and why should he be able to let it out? That’s not fair!

I still get compulsive urges. To tidy something up, or move something because it doesn’t seem right. I find it hard at my boyfriends house because everything is so messy. I can handle my bedroom, because it’s my disorganised chaos. I can also handle my boyfriends bedroom, however the rest of the house, I feel like I have to constantly clean and scrub. I have always had this weird compulsive urge to write out a word or number or a multiple of numbers. It sounds weird, I’d hear a word and I had to write it out in my head or on a surface or i’d freak out and couldn’t handle it. I also do that with numbers, sometimes I’ll think of a number, or I’d hear a number and I’d have to write it out in my head, or on a surface. I told my boyfriend about this so now he thinks its funny when I do it, which is fine because he accepts that.

I read a book tonight, about a boy who started having tourette urges and OCD. After a billion (no exaggeration) medicines, he was rehab’d back from his OCD and his tourettes got better and he could exist naturally once again. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I have a mental case of OCD. My fears can become very exagerrated and I will think of some of the most extreme things happening and then obsess on them, and this guy in the book had the same thing. I also obsess on dying and will wake up in the middle of the night from a panic attack in my sleep. I have panic attacks just as I’m going to sleep. At the moment a meditation cd is helping me relax before I sleep as I was told by my psych in Perth that the panic attacks in my sleep are flight/fight.

I am glad I am off the meds. I feel no different being off them, which is weird. I should be freaking out and being mega depressed, but I’m not. I still can’t handle stress and this is the main factor for my depression and anxiety. Also when I get stressed the first thing I want to do is get drunk or smoke to get rid of the odd feelings.

It’s funny, my boyfriend thinks I’m so together, and I have to remind him, it’s because it’s all in my head, and I let noone know, NOONE.

End note : I’m fucking mental and I love it.

MEss.

I remember standing drunk in a freezing cold shower, to try and make my body feel something, instead of being so numb like it had been lately, I was fuelled with thoughts of suicide. I hated myself and why should I bother to keep sustaining life when I was such a failure and would never amount to anything. This is something I have constantly felt throughout my life. I don’t remember ever feeling good enough to actually do anything meaningful with my life. When these kind of thoughts are flooding your mind, it is hard to see any clarity and meaning in life. There was a constant emotional rollercoaster and I never knew how I would feel when I woke up in the morning. Whether I’d roll over and go back to sleep and not want to wake up until well into the afternoon, to hide from life and it’s consequences, or whether I’d jump out of bed full of happiness and positive outlook for the day ahead. Who knew.