End of 2012/Start of a new beginning 2013

I haven't written in here for a while because I've been really busy with a bit schmozzle of moving to Melbourne from Adelaide! So I officially made the move in December 2012 as planned, however whilst pregnant. I don't think I realised how stressed moving would make me, granted my housemates at the time did not hold their end of the bargain of them moving in, that they'd apply for the house and take over the lease. Unfortunately they did not get the application in between July-November and I had to break the lease, which I am still paying for, by myself. So this stress is going away slowly with faith they will find a tenant soon! I have moved into a unit with my fiance and we are settling in nicely. Paying rent at 2 properties is getting a bit much so am putting as much positivity out into the world to hopefully have that closure soon.

 I am glad my 'Adelaide' chapter is over with. Whilst living there, I had many trials and tribulations which I could have done without, however have learnt many lessons from. Living once again with Kane is nice. I've missed the happiness we both have when we just live us two. We are now at the 16 week pregnancy stint and it's getting a little more exciting each week. I'm at the point now where I no longer suffer from morning sickness which is nice, that was sucky!

Having to move/clean one house and then packing all my stuff to move to Melbourne plus dealing with all the other lease crap and finding a place in Melbourne whilst Kane worked fulltime was enough stress for a decade! But on the homestretch now, we are moving into January 2013 with much more significance for our own lives and confidence that we didn't have before. Kane has just finished his work for the season for the show South Pacific and is now looking for more work, hoping he will find some soon as his funds are slowly drying up and centrelink offers nothing but bleakness, even if it is a stepping stone, we need a little more funds to pay for our existing leases! November/December 2012 was an interesting month, I found myself reflecting back in behavioural patterns and what made me happy and what didn't so I could forsee not doing the same things that made me unhappy again, or as much.

Being surrounded by people who were negative and could not find the energy to do much but boss others around is something I want out of my life. I am far too relaxed, and the kind of person who just 'gets on with the job' without feeling the need to interfere in others lives, mostly due to the fact people need to change on their own merit, you can give advice but not force one to change. I lived with people who said they did one thing, yet did the complete opposite. I got so sick of being told I wasn't doing anything right, in every facet, by people who honestly sat on their ass for most of their time at home, while I was out studying and trying to get work. The energy of their beings made me hate living with them, they did not have positiveness surrounding them and my friends saw this as well and did not want to visit me due to these people making them feel uncomfortable. Constantly trying to force a way of life onto someone is just like forcing religion, it's completely unnecessary and just makes people feel uncomfortable, ESPECIALLY when they are hypocritical!!! Also they were dirty, so dirty. I am so happy to be in a clean environment where we do the dishes and don't just want to eat, make mess and sit on the couch all day.

 December brought a crazy influx of energies for me INCLUDING morning sickness, so I had it double. Anytime I wasn't needed somewhere I spent it in bed sleeping as I felt quite ill most of the time. I had a few assignments to finish off for uni as well. The WANT to be in Melbourne was hard. I wanted to be there so bad and just have our own place, but it came in time and now we have a great little unit in West Footscray. The energy here is great too, much more appealing than anywhere I've lived in Adelaide. Perth had a similar energy for me when I lived there. I knew from 12 December the energy was going to be odd and it was.

 The energy was draining so bad, it was also giving aches and pains like never before! My mum mentioned it many times how drained she was from the changes. 21st December there was a massive shift and I know a few people who felt much better, the harshness lifted and they felt light again. Christmas day brought a change that was once again draining. I could hardly get out of bed, and not because of the pregnancy, but just purely the draining energy! I knew the energy would get better once we got to NYE and it did. The full moon on Dec 28 also helped the energy balance out. We are now into 2013 and what an exciting year this one will be!

Not only are we going to be parents for the first time, but we start our life in a new state, we start a new life with a new community, we start new connections. It's going to be exciting. I can already feel the positivity creep in anytime I think something that may not be so positive. Anytime I think 'maybe pregnancy wasn't the best idea since Kane doesn't have stable work' and then I get this bounce back of 'No way, this HAD to happen when it did, it will give him confidence and keep him on the track and path he needs to be, also teaching and learning from a child will be perfect for his growth and yours' It's great that my inner voice is now going OI STOP THE NEGATIVE SHIT! it's what I need! So far this year has been great (yeah ok it has only been 2 days) but I foresee if we keep manifesting relaxed, non fearful, non anxious thoughts we will be carefree even when things aren't the best. Life doesn't have to be as fearful as we make it. You create your path. You create your existence. You make life what you want. No one can do it for you!!! Me at 16 weeks pregnant :)

End of 2012 rant

The end of the year is always a reflection for me of where I've been and how much I've changed. Well we've changed (Quiet Kane and I). From our lives 4 years ago before we had met, we were both in dire circumstances. Slowly we have built for ourselves a happy existence and somewhere we are excited to continue a bright future. I always get sad around this time too because due to the still raw tragic loss of Bethany and Georg in 2010 and 2011....and it never leaves us. I always especially miss Bethany at Christmas/NY/Australia Day because I know she'd be hanging out for crazy hangs, alas she is not here. But after such traumatic circumstances we have learnt how to create our own selves and our own lives, so we are able to move on and be happy for the lives we have ahead of us. It took a while, but we are finally building our future. So now we move on with our lives again and what better way then to reflect and see how we have grown from those si tuations and are able to realise our own potentials. It has been the hardest 8 months of our lives. After being together for 3 and a half years, choosing for Kane to move interstate was something I could not hold him back from, and of course I had to finish my year of uni in SA but it has been one of the most emotional and mentally draining experiences. HOWEVER we are NOW on the homestretch!!! Finding a house to live in together finally so we can celebrate our 2012 Christmas and 4 years together and finally settle down in Melbourne. I have a hopeful transfer to Victoria University and I will hope to find some work once we are settled in. After the roller coaster we have been living since we met it is honestly amazing we were able to keep it all together, but we have and I am very proud of us for that! Being back in Melbourne after 4-5 weeks of not being to see him has made me just be so damn thankful for the person I get to spend the rest of my life with. After everything we've both been through in our lives, we are determined and motivated to continually create and challenge each other, without that we will stay stagnant and no change will occur. Life can be tough but if we stick at it with positive values and thoughts, we really can mould our own future ♥ A huge thankyou to anyone who has been there to send me love during this time, comfort me, let me vent to them, your listening ears have been a value to my staying sane. Anyone who has done the same for Kane I know he is thankful for it too, he is also thankful for those who looked after me, because there's no denying it, I was lost without him. But individually we have grounded ourselves and we look forward to coming together again and basically starting our life in Melbourne :) Bring on 2013 :)

and life throws us a curveball!

So I am pregnant. This is one of the most exciting times of our life, but we are currently having to deal with stress that is causing a bit of a problem for me. I already don't handle stress well, never have, so I am currently staying at my parents house. It's all just too much, my hormones are out of control and I am having to really chill out! I am 7 weeks pregnant and this is going to be the best rollercoaster ever! Kane is very excited and we are excited to be able to get a new house in Melbourne so we can start this new adventure. I am still stuck in Adelaide trying to sort out my house and lease. I am living with people who are completely irrational and even though they have had 4 months to apply for the lease and get their names on it, they left it til last week after telling me every week they were going to do it, i had to print out the application for them to even fill in, the whole time has been very trying and without Kane it has been very hard and I am not in the mood to deal with any of it anymore. They are just avoiding it, but in the process fucking me over as well. Telling me they know they are stressing me out with it but not actually doing anything about that. I honestly look forward to get out of this city. All i see it doing it breeding lazy ignorant people. too selfish to see whats in front of them. I'm too good a friend to be treated like this. At first I BLAMED myself because they played victim and made me feel like i'd done something wrong, but that's just impossible. I've done everything I can to try get them there, they would tell me every week they were going, so they basically lied to me every week. For people who are so interested on telling others to live, they really need to look at themselves deeply and start to become aware of their own problems. It's so painful to be around. The energy is so dark and horrible. I want out. I am trying to put that out into the universe as much as I can, but man it's hard atm where I CAN'T see a path without it costing me lots of money to break the lease. I am anxious = nausea and pregnant = nausea so double nausea :( wish me luck. Dec 15 I move to melbourne :D

Pregnancy is tiring :)

I am finding it hard. I am tired all the time. I have never ever been one to have naps, but the past week I nap every afternoon, not a bad thing considering what's going on with my body, but I just can't handle stress at the moment and it does cause me to feel quite depressed. I am trying so hard to be positive but it is really hard. I find myself listening to sad music and not knowing how to feel. I don't feel real. It's actually really interesting this whole feeling because I feel really out of it at the moment energy wise, and I'd love to wind down, but really my wind down these days has to be some chocolate and a cuddle. But I also know that it is just apart of cutting certain things out of my life. I am just tired. I am tired of being used. I am tired of being lied to. I am tired of feeling like no matter what I do or act I am still walked over. I try so hard to please people, to give, to be happy and all I get back is selfish behaviour and acts. I am tired of this. I TRY SO HARD TO PUT POSITIVITY OUT THERE. Its so hard because it could be that i am manifesting adelaide to be like that so when i go back i just get treated like this, and because I can't wait to move to melbourne i am creating it, or is it just going to happen there anyway? because sometimes it feels like that. Kane is doing so well in Melbourne, even when he's down...he;s just around the right people I guess. I am jealous. I WANT TO MOVE OVER NOW! but i have to spend the next month trying to organise other peoples lives because they can't do it themselves. i have no pity for them, they've done it to themselves.

Past, present, future

Having spent a majority of my life on some kind of mind altering drugs to try and make life better may it be illegal or legal, am finally at a point of complete sober life and I realise that the ONLY proper way to get myself back to where I need to be is with peer support, natural therapies, a proper diet, cutting out alcohol and any other substances that just cause emotional dependency. There are reasons for me being depressed, anxious. They are issues that have been packed on top of one another from birth, or even conception. The other part though is the dependency of alcohol and cigarettes, which soon became a coping tool, but for me these are not a coping tool at all. I spent a lot of my life from the age of 15, grieving for people who had died in my life. I could not understand why they had died and left me here, where they had gone when they had died and why it hurt so much. I had little support because my mother was not only going through pre menopause and menopause she was grieving her dad at the same time I was grieving my grandfather and my friend. I was at the point where I had no-one to turn to because every single person I had trusted in my life had shat on me. Where was I meant to turn? I still had family, but could or would they listen? I had friends who had gone through similar, but did I want to bother them with my problems? I ended up just shoving it deep down and when it came to 25 and I was trying to work out what was wrong with me and why I was so absolutely depressed and dissociating after a friends death, I realised why. I was using alcohol and cigarettes and occasionally drugs to suffice my grief, however this not only caused more issues, it created a subverse universe for me to live in so I did not have to deal with the present issue. This is completely unhealthy and it is not the universe of the present, which is where we create our own world and make choices for us, today. One of the biggest issues that I deem humans as a whole have is that we pay so much attention on the PAST, that we forget where we are, we forget what we are doing today, how we are living and the people around us, so we start to live a selfish world and live on a thin base of who we are. Anyone who may try to get into our barrier of PAST is going to have a hard time, there is no easy way to get in there, except SELF DISCOVERY. This is where we transform ourselves wholesomely, ACCEPTING our flaws, faults, our past, our mistakes and we admit and become aware of them so that we are not beating ourselves up about them, but purely knowing they exist and moving on. IF this is made possible, the present will present itself and you will feel HERE IN THE NOW. The future is another disastrous place to live, if you are trying to be present, thinking constantly about the future, worrying about the future, without considering the NOW will not work. You need to live in where we are now, accepting that the future may change, it may not stay exactly how you think it will and you could be pleasantly surprised if you learn how to create, choose and path your own future without worry. I do have an issue with medication because after using medication - anti depressants and valium for most of my teenage/20s I realised that it was the worst idea in the world. After a friend committed suicide I found it hard to wake up the grief was so hard to deal with, I was suspecting that I may have bipolar and decided to self diagnose myself. I was at the point where I did not want to be like my friend and wanted to get help. I made the effort to see a counsellor, who was great but she wanted to change up my diet, exercise regime and sleeping pattern before I had even dealt with any issues, this scared me and I did not go back. I fear this happens to a lot of people. I knew I still needed help, as I was going over and over in my head the same issues, failing uni subjects, missing my friend, drinking to cover the grief and problems and my Mum suggested I see her natural therapist. From one session - ended up in six sessions and I left with not only life changes, lifestyle changes, better choices, but I left with BUILDING BLOCKS to help myself when I started to backpedal, because something that counsellors forget to tell us is that we WILL relapse, depression, anxiety, alcohol dependency, drug dependency, whatever your dependency is to cover the issues, you WILL relapse, but it's about being aware of what was happening and how to take that big step over it and keep moving forward. So I started to see my natural therapist once a fortnight. I started to deal with some issues, some as small as being the ear for my parents bickering and being in the middle as I am a naturally empathetic person who just wants everyone to be happy, so I ended up being the KID who heard both sides. It was as simple as having to tell either parent that I was not willing to listen to them and they needed to bitch to each other and NOT TO ME. I started to realise why I had emotional attachments to certain moments in my life. Like when my Grandpa died, and I did not get to say goodbye, it shocked me because I had a special connection with my grandpa, but I had to conquer my fear of 'death' and the fear that surrounded that, because with fear came the emotional dependency on alcohol. I started to understand that for me to be able to get better I had to start a process that would then take months and months to get to a point, where I KNEW I could path my life without worry and concern and live in the present. It was a rocky path though. My boyfriend at the time and I were living in a sharehouse, I was trying to study but failing my subjects, after starting to deal with past issues, I was able to open up to my boyfriend about the experiences I had at the therapist and he chose to go too because at this time we were both experiencing spiritual openings and had no idea how to deal with it. We started on a journey together, where I started eating better on a diet that my therapist had given me and lost 15 kgs, not with setbacks though, I spent every week still hating exercise and getting back into the old food i used to eat, it was hard to keep that going. However this led to me being aware and setting myself back on track because i had stopped hating myself and started understanding it was OK to stuff up as long as I realise it and get back into it. Not only was I DETOXING from food, I was detoxing from everything I was dependent on, food, alcohol, cigarettes and BAD CHOICES. I started to learn that I can create what I want in this universe and even 2 years since my friend killed herself, 18 months since I first started seeing my therapist, my boyfriend, who found it hard to even get up in the morning, moved to Melbourne, works in a theatre there now, I stayed in Adelaide and learnt many many lessons still and am moving to Melbourne soon. We became engaged after he was moving, which was also a huge deal because that's not something taken lightly in his eyes. Our life has completely changed in such a positive sense. Even if we have a rocky day, week, month, we KNOW now that this is not how we want to feel, do, act and become aware and make changes, whether it be changes in the home, our diet, what we are drinking, how we are sleeping and make the choice to become present. Making changes in our life, so that we weren't living other people's lives or their idea of our life, was our first move. YOU need to deal with that grief to move on, it could be loss of job, loss of a relationship, loss of life, loss of a pet, loss of a friend/s that could cause the issue, but if they are causing you THIS MUCH PAIN, is it worth living in the past for them? Yes it is hard to move on, but with baby staps, AND NATURAL THERAPY (energy healing, reiki, a GOOD counsellor, crystal healing, grief counsellor) anyone who is happy to help you deal with what is plaguing you instead of dosing you up is where it's at in my opinion.

re-Connection

So after feeling quite disconnected for quite some time, especially through September which was a huge lesson of self worth with a few interesting and challenging energy shifts, I went to the mind, body and soul festival with my mum. Not knowing at all what I would get out of it, I ended up experiencing things I would keep close and that would help me connect again in October. First I experienced some intuitive moments and bought a large amethyst and a beautiful clear quartz, as I knew they would be keys in cleansing and healing in October. I had a reading and drawing done and it was an indian man (my guide) and a wolf. The spirit wolf represents my teachings and wisdom that I will provide throughout my life, my experiences and knowledge to help others through their current experiences. This is something I have noticed and known I was doing, but it is always great to get a know of my purpose. I had a few shifts of energy where I was downloading a lot of knowledge of what I would do to help others and was not sure how. I had also been experiencing issues that I was treating with negativity and a real 'doom' and by doing this I was manifesting this into the situation. Now being able to use the amethyst and clear quartz to clear my negative energies at night I sleep well, wake up well and am manifesting a happier energy. I am working much more on following my intuition day to day and am finding it extremely rewarding. I found that my meditation has taken a positive shine to it because I am manifesting clarity, love, harmony. In my meditation last night I was open to the whole idea that we live in an illusion. It was confronting at first and I wasn't sure if I wanted to meditate more. I could see the energy moving around me and I felt like the walls were almost flickering, like they weren't real. I then realised, that so what? It is not what we 'see' to feel we need to exist, it is merely what we create in our existence. That helped the confronting panic that was soon lost. This has been a hard journey and October hits a 2 year mark for me and is interesting, because 7 October was the day I lost a close friend to suicide. I am not sad and do not grieve for Beth, I have spoken to her spirit and I know she had to go and she in a happier place now. What is interesting to me is the changes I have personally made from when I found out, to now. The journey I have been on has been challenging and confronting, however always learning and connecting spiritually. I also bought a Himalayan salt lamp which no doubt has helped refresh my energies. Clarity is definitely a manifestation I am working well with right now. It taught me how important it is, that we really do manifest what we create and how that can really send us down a different path if we let it.

2010 - 2012

Its amazing how my anxiety was at its best when I was a drunk. I miss how it took away my fears and manic urges. I took myself off my medication, it does nothing. I feel more anxious than ever. It’s funny though. i get angry at my boyfriend for not being able to hide his anxiety better, how rude of me. It’s just I have spent my lifetime hiding what happens in my mind and why should he be able to let it out? That’s not fair! I still get compulsive urges. To tidy something up, or move something because it doesn’t seem right. I find it hard at my boyfriends house because everything is so messy. I can handle my bedroom, because it’s my disorganised chaos. I can also handle my boyfriends bedroom, however the rest of the house, I feel like I have to constantly clean and scrub. I have always had this weird compulsive urge to write out a word or number or a multiple of numbers. It sounds weird, I’d hear a word and I had to write it out in my head or on a surface or i’d freak out and couldn’t handle it. I also do that with numbers, sometimes I’ll think of a number, or I’d hear a number and I’d have to write it out in my head, or on a surface. I told my boyfriend about this so now he thinks its funny when I do it, which is fine because he accepts that. I read a book tonight, about a boy who started having tourette urges and OCD. After a billion (no exaggeration) medicines, he was rehab’d back from his OCD and his tourettes got better and he could exist naturally once again. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I have a mental case of OCD. My fears can become very exaggerated and I will think of some of the most extreme things happening and then obsess on them, and this guy in the book had the same thing. I also obsess on dying and will wake up in the middle of the night from a panic attack in my sleep. I have panic attacks just as I’m going to sleep. At the moment a meditation cd is helping me relax before I sleep as I was told by my psych in Perth that the panic attacks in my sleep are flight/fight. I am glad I am off the meds. I feel no different being off them, which is weird. I should be freaking out and being mega depressed, but I’m not. I still can’t handle stress and this is the main factor for my depression and anxiety. Also when I get stressed the first thing I want to do is get drunk or smoke to get rid of the odd feelings. It’s funny, my boyfriend thinks I’m so together, and I have to remind him, it’s because it’s all in my head, and I let noone know, NOONE. Just another reminder that natural remedies are better than meds. I still meditate every single night and it has changed my whole world. I am no longer anxious and only get anxious when I drink which is not often. People can change, habits can change, its all about whether you want to be healthy of mind, body and soul, or just be destructive forever,