31 weeks!

31 weeks tomorrow. These weeks are going quicker and quicker!
It blows my mind.
This week baby is the size of a pineapple.
I found something and edited it- to describe how we feel

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Tied down. What an interesting metaphor. I told them we didn’t see it that way. Our child will not be rope to bind us, or a rock to weigh us down. This is lightness, release, liberty. Through this experience we've already felt a new found love, sharing life, inspiring and being inspired. Every day from the beginning has been a celebration, every moment a delight.

No one is the right age to be tied down. Humans are designed to be free. Are we too young to fly a kite, to float on clouds, to ride a magic carpet? Are we too young to laugh, to sing songs, to be in awe, to understand the truth as only a child can reveal it? No way. Life is too magical living inside our imaginations.

We’ve both experienced tied down, and this is the opposite. This is the amazement of life and we are proud to whatever has to come in the future.
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tutors/lectuers who do my head in.

After 3 years at uni, I don't know if it's just social work tutors/lecturers, but I am SO sick of the odd tutor/lecturer who thinks we don't have a life outside of uni. The ones who expect you'll go to every single class no matter what (sometimes completely impossible) and really play the guilt trip when you can't make it, or don't even want to hear an excuse, they have already assumed you're just slack.

They are always the ones who don't like granting extensions, why have extensions if you don't want to grant any, EVER?

They always try to exert their power energetically to make you feel like you're never doing good enough, and yes THIS MAY work for some people (not actually sure who) it actually offers the complete opposite effect for me. It does not empower me, it does not make me want to go to class more, it does not make me feel positive, it makes me want to not go, to drop out and to never return because you make me feel so uncomfortable EVERY single class (and I am never the only one!)

Your words are contradictory and when the whole class feels the same way, you're not doing it right. You're there to teach, not be our mothers and boss us around or make us feel like we're not doing good enough, I'm pretty sure every single student is already self talking themselves with that nonsense!

The hardest part is I can see through the act and I can't say anything because if I did you'd just rationalise it to yourself and I'd be the one full of shit. I've seen your type too many times!

I have one of these this year, she was really rude to a girl whose Nan had died and she wanted an extension saying it's not a 'good enough excuse'. WOW just wow. How can someone teach about empathy? How can someone say not to exert power and work with narrative therapy? How can someone talk about engaging and LISTENING skills when they treat people like this?

She is the only tutor I haven't told I'm pregnant, because I feel so uncomfortable. Considering I've felt comfortable telling the other tutors plus students, I doubt it's just me feeling anxious.

You remind me of that psycho lecturer who rang my mobile one day just to tell me it was 'against university policy to walk out of a lecture' because I found her lecture to be completely useless and she was being nasty to students who asked questions. I realised I was being bullied and told another tutor, who told me no-one liked her - even the teaching staff and she'd be losing her 'internal' position next semester. HOW do these kinds of people get into educating ANYONE?

In a perfect world, these lecturers and tutors would understand the world does NOT revolve around just THEIR class and we have 1. Other things to do in our life, 2. Other subjects to study and write assignments for/attend and 3. We are not ALL making up excuses for extensions or days we can't attend, most of the time it's legit.

Hitting 31 weeks this week! Only 6 weeks til full term and 9 weeks til Estimated due date!

Pregnancy is weird.It does remind me a lot of what I was like when I was really depressed funnily enough - however the depression is different as I find personally pregnancy it’s just small spurts of anxiety and not really sadness, just little freakouts and backed up with OMG I GET TO MEET MY DAUGHTER!

Some days I have these overwhelming feelings like I JUST DONT WANT TO BE PREGNANT ANYMORE AGH I WANT TO FEEL NORMAL AND NOT LIKE A GIANT SWAMP MONSTER and some days I am just SO DAMN overjoyed that I get to meet my little girl in a few weeks and I love pregnancy, love my belly, love everything about it!

I think it doesn’t help my brain doesn’t function properly of course with baby brain etc and I am trying to write assignments. Everyday I go through the same 2 thoughts, WHY DID I SAY FULL TIME UNI IS A GOOD IDEA WHILST PREGNANT? then…..It’s only 5 more weeks, calm it down woman!
So many confusing thoughts.
I don’t even THINK about labor, or contractions, or the pain or anything. So many girls I see are freaked out about it all, but it honestly isn’t something that comes into my mind or plagues me. I’d LOVE to do a home birth next time, but I’m just not concerned, I think because I am VERY intuitive when it comes to how I feel and what I feel that I know I will be very low on stress as that’s just how I am, I’m fantastic at positive self talk!
I’m actually more worried about what the hell I’m going to eat for dinner because I AM SO RAVENOUS!
ahaha.
Pregnant life mate.
This week marks 31 weeks!
Hitting the third trimester milestone was ace, but I think hitting the 30’s is even better, I’m not noticing much difference except she is growing exponentially and I know between 28-30w my body was trying to adapt to more hormones and I was very emotionally rollercoastering, but otherwise I feel much better lately. Any symptoms I might have - headaches, exhaustion, trouble sleeping, frustration, even hip pain will last for a day and that’s it and I seem to bounce back pretty quickly. I’m noticing my hip is reaaaaally bad for a day (usually sat or sunday) and that must be the uterus pressure/baby growing as it gets better the next day. I just smother it with pain reliever cream and use a heatpack and make sure Im sitting comfortably and I wake up find the next day. Just have to remind myself to rest!

I can’t believe that in 6 weeks I am full term! So incredible! I will be making sure I have everything ready! I’ve got Mum & dad visiting not next weekend but the one after and they will be bringing up the change table and other bits and pieces I got from people at the baby shower. SO excited! That will make it all a little more real! We will also be getting a mattress for the cot so we can set it all up! I need to get some plastic containers for under the bed/cot too!
Some things I need to get for myself are some maternity pads and anything I want or need for Labor/after delivery. I’ve got a list but I don’t think there’s too much there, it’s just making sure my Ipad is charged and camera is ready to go plus clothes and uggboots :)
So really….I’ve got 2 assignments due this week, I’ve finished one and nearly finished the other….then it’s 2 assignments due early may and 3 assignments due at the end of may and that’s it. Thank goodness, I don’t know how long I can keep it up! It drains me so much! I don’t know how pregnant women work full time! I get 3 days off and I still find it so hard!
Cannot frikken wait :D

Things I’ve learnt from reading & researching from other mothers as a ftm;

Things I didn’t know before I got pregnant.
I need to understand my body will not produce milk from day 1 and it will provide colostrum, however the newborn does not need tons of milk to start with and it could be a trying time with being exhausted from labor+birth, but I need to understand it could be hard to get my baby to latch and not to be hard on myself.

I want to understand I am going to be exhausted because it’s all on me to feed and look after this tiny human at first.

I want to understand that it won’t be easy and that I will need to ask for help and support when I need.

I want to understand that my hormones will probably be going anywhere and everywhere after I give birth, as well as emotions, and could do for a while.

I want to understand that my baby will cry as they are learning as much as I’m learning, it may get hard but we will eventually work it out between ourselves.

I want to understand that I won’t be/feel 100% after birth and I will possibly be in pain (most likely) and bleed for weeks after giving birth.

I want to understand for myself personally, that birth can be as easy or as hard as I make it, I can stress less and keep the negative thoughts out no matter how bad the pain will get during the 4 stages of labor, and try to make it the natural experience it is for my body to be doing this. I need to make sure I go with all intuitions and feelings.

I want to understand that my birth may not go to plan and I need to be ready for anything! I want to understand it is my choice as to how I parent my child.
I think it’s important to understand these things - for myself & others who may feel this way;

I am not a failure if my boobs can’t/won’t breastfeed properly/don’t produce milk.

I am not a failure because I feel emotional/hormonal/down after birth as it sounds like a very overwhelming experience - including what could be hours of labor and birth.

I am not a failure because I feel nervous and am not sure what to do with a newborn, this will all come natural and I will get the hang of it.

I have aimed for my pregnancy experience to be positive and so far it has been positive. With small anxieties from the first trimester - mostly fear of miscarriage due to stress at the time, and other anxieties in the second trimester due to moving house/starting uni/little fights with Kane from my hormonal switch and irritability-  I feel in the third trimester I am ready to take this head on!

I am HOPING there will be the ability for a water birth (fingers crossed) as that feels more right than ever, however if not  (I don’t know as I haven’t even had that conversation with my obs/midwife & haven’t toured the hospital yet) I will be happy either way!

I am happy for the baby to come when she is ready even if I am uncomfortable and I am hoping for a safe and natural birth without painkillers or epidural, because I do wholeheartedly believe my body can do this completely naturally as my body is ready for this, it is meant for this and I know I can do this!
If it all changes in the process, I just ultimately hope my baby is healthy and I can’t wait to meet her :)
I’m 30 weeks pregnant this week.
My countdown so far…..milestones I am looking forward to;
April 8 - Back to uni - off holidays - only 6 weeks to go!
April 25 - Parents visiting Melbourne for the weekend & bringing us lots of baby stuff :)
May 24 - Finish Uni for the semester! - I get to rest & get ready for her arrival yay!
May 29 - Reached full term! 37 weeks pregnant!
.and then… nest! & …Wait for the arrival of Lily Beth :)

28 weeks - third trimester update :)

This week! Have hit the third trimester running……not really, mostly sleeping :) Really on the home stretch now!

I’ve slept in the last couple days, have NOT felt like doing much, especially in the morning. I get more energy in the afternoon it seems. Brutal. Constipated as hell so have to sort that one out, because….in one word…OUCH! Bubs is rolling around so much in my belly it’s great, we’ve seen how lopsided she gets at times, it cracks us up, she is sitting really high. I’ve noticed my right ribs side hurts a fair bit when i try to sleep on my side and I’ve actually been laying a bit on my back when that happens….not sure if it’s baby bits or just crushed organs. I’ve had some Braxton Hicks this week, they are interesting. Not extremely terrible, but usually happen at night after I eat.

Looking forward to going to the obstetrician on 11th April as I’ve talked Kane into having a day off to come so he can hear the heartbeat again. Also going to book us in for a prep for childbirth/child class for the near future. Looking forward to my friends coming over this weekend from Adelaide :)

Life is magical & amazing, even when I have no energy & the baby does weird jerky kicks I am still so blessed to have experienced this and I can’t wait to meet my little girl :)
So many milestones come up for me in the next couple weeks!
My friends visit this weekend, then I’m on a weeks uni holidays which will be spent chilling & writing assignments & attending the OBS appt, then my parents drop by for the weekend - driving all the baby gear from the baby shower up end of April, then we hit the final weeks of pregnancy & the end of uni at the end of May, then JUNE! - Bubs’s EDD & my birthday :)
Countdown to the baby is go! 9 weeks til full term & 12 weeks til EDD :)

The Empath life.

It's tiring being an empath and being able to hear what people are thinking and feel what they are feeling. Energy of others can be really important to how we react/think/feel ourselves.I can often feel how someone else is feeling even a complete stranger, or I get a string of events in pictures in my head, or a story/backstory of a soul or a person, without even knowing them. The worst is the people I do know, when my partner is in a foul mood energetically it really effects me. It can really mess up my energy, no matter how good and send me in a spin, because Im not expecting it. I am so sensitive to energies everywhere that sometimes it's really hard to deflect them, but in that way I am meant to feel them because it can teach me something.

 It's also something you can switch off, but for me it's either switch it completely off or completely on and I do like to know I'm still connected to whatever force is driving it. I also have dreams that are psychic or futuristic. These happen all the time and can often tell me what will happen in my future or something I need to know. These dreams are the ones I ALWAYS remember. There's NO forgetting them and there's a definitive knowing of what is important and what isn't when it comes to dreams for me now. There are times I can hear what my partner is thinking. Sometimes it is us laying in bed and I can hear the thoughts looping over in his head. An example is when he was starting a new job he was freaking out about it, I could feel/hear his mind looping over the thoughts that he hopes he will be good enough and do a good job.

I often don't even tell him I can feel/hear it and I will just give him a hug. Sometimes the energy is like a hurricane and he is looping thoughts over so much it just drives me insane and I get upset and even I can't communicate how I'm feeling about it. It can be really hard, but I ALWAYS know what's going on, it's kind of creepy. It helps in fights though, if he is being stubborn and is saying I'm being attacking or having a go at him, I can be like 'Ok just stand there, concentrate and how is your energy right now?' and he will often be like......'really chaotic, shit I'm sorry' and he will realise that he is in fact the one who was being the attacking person without realising, however taking it as a defensive position so he felt better about himself at a time when he felt negative and unworthy for whatever reason. It's interesting because he often doesn't realise how huge his energy actually is and I have to remind him all the time how damn infectious his energy can be. It can really play into how we interact, if I feel he is off, sometimes I will ask him what's up?

Sometimes I just don't have the energy myself to get into it, and sometimes I know I have to let it go until he realises. I am always able to get direction which helps. He internalises so much that it can make it really hard to get him to externalise, however being able to read him helps so much with that, because most of the time I can be like 'Ok so this is exactly what you are thinking and feeling and you need to get more confidence and love yourself more and not feel so weak willed' or something like that. He has behavioural patterns which are really easy to read too, and even cognitive patterns like catastrophic thoughts or unconscious thoughts that are occurring and he doesn't even know. We don't fight often, but when we do it's because we are really off the same energy fields and we are grating against each other. Externalising communication helps, which of course is something I've had to teach him, since it wasn't something he learnt at home.
Sometimes I can feel/think through photos too. I can see a photo and know what has happened to that person/hear their story through a message/see images that represent where they've been/where their soul has been.
Sometimes I can just feel it from energy. I had a lady come and sit next to me at uni and I could feel her 'knowing it all' energy but there was also an insecurity there. So she was shoving this egotistic energy of knowing everything and really what is she there for, she knows everything! energy but that was just to cover up the energy which was more of 'holy shit how am I going to do this in a career?' It's much more interesting when you can do it with a complete stranger, because it honestly becomes so second nature that you forget it's happening, until you feel it from someone you don't know at all and then you're like, wow that's incredible.

Being connected to the spiritual world is a fascinating one, sometimes really hard to work out whether you are just crazy, but most of the time, especially when you have friends who are also spiritual who can identify the same things that you can, you realise that you are just naturally psychic. I have a few friends now who I have become in contact with some way or another and it's so great to be able to talk about that stuff and not feel subjected to feeling like you have to internalise it all. I am lucky though because my Mum is also very spiritual so that has been interesting.

When my grandma was passing away in July, my mum and I had a huge spiritual connection. We both felt the same things on different days, Grandma was really sick and they couldn't do surgery as she was too old and frail so she went into palliative care, where they inject you with painkillers so you slowly pass away peacefully and pain free. It took Grandma 6 days to pass away slowly, and she passed away on the exact same day Grandpa did 13 years earlier, their funeral was on the same day and time and at the same place too.

We both felt my Grandpa there at different times in the room, we felt her son who was a stillbirth in the room at different times. i was able to pass on information of what stage of passing away Grandma was at. At one point she was moving her feet laying in bed and I was able to pass on that she was walking. Another friend of Mums whose father had passed away in palliative care had actually experienced her dad speaking the whole way through the painkillers and the passing. So at every point he got to 'walking' he spoke to a different person and whilst laying in the hospital bed slowly dying they could hear his conversations! Absolutely incredible stuff!

We also had a moment one morning where my mum was getting ready to go down to the hospital and I had woken up as I heard her up. She was mumbling to herself about what cd to get. I asked her what was up and she said she started brushing her teeth and she said my grandpa was bugging her to get a certain cd (my grandpa died july 1999) and I was laughing at her because she kept saying 'Can i finish brushing my teeth first please?' I could feel him bugging her and he was telling her what crystals to take to the hospital to help grandma pass easily and energetically. It was an amazing moment where we both felt/heard him. Mum had shut him out since he died, but he found his way back in when he needed to!

Through ideologies ...

Through ideologies that the 'normal social order' lives by, it becomes more and more clear everyday, I live to push everything that may seem normal to others. Learning today about how some academics, including Foucault and Kuhn talk about the 'paradigm shifts' and certain 'eureka' moments where you suddenly have a new idea or breakthrough, but they choose not to touch the area of 'HOW' this happens.
Interesting that this is still something that stays put when it comes to theories, but in the end I do believe it's to do with INTUITION and in the end how measurable is intuition? A gut feeling, something that you FEEL? I even brought intuition up, as it's something that I use daily to structure a happiness in my life and it was agreed by everyone that it's really interesting as to why they hadn't researched further and just let it be that these moments will happen and that paradigm shifting is just something that occurs without the complete academic understanding or knowledge (and they thought they knew everything?) I really love that this is becoming an ideology that underpins Social Work taught at university, that it's not just theory and practice, AND the reminder that it WILL take time to build up your skills and 'find your place', also push for change, push for challenge, push against a social order, because if you don't, how do we have new theories, new practices? Instead of JUST spending our time IDOLISING the start of post modern views/theories.