One of the best way to teach healthy coping mechanisms and how to get through the hard times is have it come from someone who has come from the hardest times.
When I look back at what I have been through, not just digging up the past and have it cause me issue, these things no longer cause me pain.
The things I have been through;
Battle with depression, suicide, anxiety, disconnection, disassociation, lost and directionless, feeling numb, pain, emotional, drinking, drugs, smoking, sex, meeting the wrong guys, letting the wrong guys in my life which resulted to painful experiences, not loving, or liking myself, dealing with that for quite a long time and the ups and downs that go with that and emotional eating.
But I feel like, I was still living that life even when I got pregnant and when I got pregnant my whole life had to change, I had to become completely sober from all of this that caused me pain and want to escape.
There is no doubt that through all of this, I have experienced the absolute highs and lows. Motherhood is a strange, yet wonderful experience. With your first child, you have no idea what you are getting into, until you experience it you just cannot know, like many things in life.
I had some serious depression through motherhood. A lot of that was because of me not looking after myself, what I was eating, drinking, not getting out, isolation, feeling abandoned, feeling lonely without friends, husband and family due to new to area.
I was experiencing some serious let downs, I felt let down by everyone. But, I can see now I was creating a victim self.
2.5 years later, I have cut the sugar out, cut the alcohol out, I have started ongoing emotional healing, I have spent a lot of time, looking within for answers. I have started to heal from the inside out. Things that happened to me as a child, that I could not avoid, things that happened because that was the circumstances we were in.
In the end, stress is a natural part of life, going up and downs are neccesary in life for us to breakthrough to the other side, as painful as it can be.
I am grateful for these experiences, as I was able to see the other side of how life can be when in that specific world. Experiencing the highs, the lows, the dark and the light of life is important to change perception.
I am grateful for these experiences. Even the day I decided I wanted to die. I was ready to do it, I had drank so much alcohol and I grabbed the razer and I missed and hit my thumb and I had to look after that cut as it was deep. I think, wow what if I had succeeded? I would be missing out on all that I have today and the relationships that I hold so dear, now. because I let myself experience life and didn;t cut it short.
there is a huge issue with pharmaceutical companies and doctors, telling us to take all these prescription drugs to take away pain, they think we don’t need to feel, they think they can fix it with a tablet everything will be okay. But mental illness is about healing the wounds.
Anyone who goes into alcohol or drugs, they don’t do it because they want to. They don’t make the choice. They make the choice because their wounds are deep and traumatic. Yes there are people who experience trauma and they don’t go into alcohol or drugs, but they have their crutches too, even if it’s food, or even emotional crutches, manipulative crutches. It is not their fault.
It is not a conscious thought. I didn’t wake up one day and say, I want to be a shit person, drink for 12 years, hate myself more and more each day in an attempt to forget myself.
I did it because I was hurting, I wanted to cover the pain up.
The night I stopped drinking, was because I had drank so much I blacked out and I did not even know what was happening.
After that was hard, the anxiety, the fear, the depression was so intense, if I didn’t have support I would not have made it. The #1 word there is support.
It is not about fixing people, it’s about helping those who are ready to communicate and heal.
We don’t need quick fixes.
When I first started coming off alcohol, it was 8 years ago, I relapsed over and over again, that was okay too.
For the first time I am healthy going through this anxiety and depression. I am sleeping Okay, I am not emotional eating and I am not drinking to cover the pain up.
For once it was a raw emotion. Laying on my bed in a fetus position, this is the rawest feeling I have felt when it comes to emotion. I was shaking uncontrollably, I was twitching, I felt like I was actually going to die as I started hyperventilating. But I calmed myself down, I texted Kane and it took my mind off it.
I think it is the first time I have really felt like that. I felt like I was going to hold my breath, I couldn’t get my lungs working and my lungs hurt after. I’ve had anxiety attacks before but not like that. But I brought rational thought in, I cried, I calm myself down, I let it out.
and for the first time, I realised that I used to be really blaming when I felt in that space, I had felt abandoned, lonely, I blamed those around me for not looking after me.
But for the first time, I realised I had to be there for myself. This IS a natural up and down, this IS stressful, and what am I doing for myself? Am I taking time out? Am I looking after myself? Am I calming myself down when I need to? It was me. I was in control of it all the time.
I was not a victim.
No-ne has abandoned me. Kane has to work to pay our livelihood and unfortunately his work takes him for 14 hours a day at the moment.
I used to accuse him of many things, I expected him to fix things, things he really couldn’t fix or help at all.
I was lonely. But who could help that? I know I just need to get through this, this is all temporary.
I am only lonely because I have lost connection with myself.
Friends, family, or a relationship can only give you one part of a connection, the most important part of connection, is YOUR connection with yourself.
Just because I have cut all these things out of my diet, did not mean I would not feel pain, stress or just be so done. It did not make life perfect. Motherhood is painful, emotional, it is hard. But it is also the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done and something I always wanted.
Even though i felt broken today, mind body and soul, I got my breath going, I decided it was time for rest, because in the end I became aware of what I needed to heal, what I needed to love, and the need to look after myself.
I made the choice to say, I am ready to feel the pain for the right reasons, I am ready to heal from what has happened and I am ready to accept it is MY experience to get past this, dropping the blame and expectation on others. It is really hard, but it is important.

I lost myself somwhere between pain and numb
Laying down, shaking uncontrollably
Sobbing, the deepest, darkest pain out of me
I felt like I left my body.

Sitting back, watching myself curl up on the bed,

trembling, twitching, crumbling

One part of me was telling me I was weak
Weak for being broken, not strong enough like everyone else
The other part, was proud for breaking down,
because the only way is up from here,

I lost my breath, amongst all the anger and fear,
and believed that right there, I was going to die

This raw pain, is not something I was subject to often,
but it is also something that was not new for me.

I felt angry. Angry that I was alone in this moment,
when I needed someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me it was going to be okay.

But, in that moment, I felt my other self, wrap their arms around me,
Tell me everything is going to be okay, and to surrender and completely love myself.

I picked myself up, I wiped my tears, I found my breath,

and I kept going…

I had not given up yet, so I am not going to give up today.

Theres something about you

Theres something about you

I don’t know yet…


But I stay here…

I lay  awake at night…

My mind, it wanders through the night

and I get lost in my thoughts, twisting and turning inside my head
then I come back to you

and I feel…

safe

There’s something about the way you look at me

There’s something about the way you make me feel

In a way I’ve never


and now when I lay awake at night

and my mind wanders…

I think about you

and my thoughts calm

There’s something about you

There’s something about the way you make me feel…

Like home.

Prose 2

So even though he had a seizure, Kane felt he needed to go to work. The adrenalin had hit hard and fast and he had no idea he could be putting himself in danger. That night when he came home, he realised, Oh shit I had a seizure! He must have been in a serious denial and I had to keep reminding him how dangerous it was to not take it easy after what his body had been through.

The issue with Kanes work, was that it was casual and he really could not take time off. However, he also had this idea that he had to work and could not ask for time off. He also did not speak to anyone about the seizure. It was as if he was embarrassed about it. We are completely different people as I'd be telling people so they could watch out for me. He came home with a giant headache, possibly from smashing his head during the seizure and his whole body was sore, from the muscles tensing for 10 minutes.

He started going through what I would call a grieving phase for his life before the seizure. His body had changed, his mind had changed and his soul had changed. He was ready to change. After some audial interference and synchronous thoughts, he realised this was his time to change. It is time to break away from the stressful career that was killing him and ruining his relationships and work out what to do next.

Emotionally he was unwound, but there was an inkling that he knew he was meant for great things, but still he could not switch himself from the darker thoughts and get to the light side, where he knew he was safe. He knew there was something underlying, sitting there in his unconscious that he needed to get to, and there was no other way to get to this except hypnotherapy. Months before I had found a lady in our area who did hypnotherapy on people and I just knew he needed to see her. Finally it was time for him to see her, and he made an appointment. I had booked an interstate trip so he had some time to himself after the seizure, as it really had rocked him and having a grumpy partner and toddler probably wasn't the best thing to have around him.


The hypnotherapy session would be the complete game changer.

Prose 1

After the paramedic had been and gone, I didn't know what to do. I felt instantly guilty because I had started a fight about finances and I know that was what had made him stress out to the point of rage. After the seizure, we spoke of what had happened and I learnt that he had no memory of what we were talking about, but he just felt like his body was taken over by an external force. He had kicked a bucket of plastic balls before he fell on the ground and he did not remember this at all. He did not remember the seizure and he felt 'out of body' the entire time, watching himself and watching my reaction the whole time. He felt his dark emotional issues unwind as he seizured on the floor, his body flung around, thrashing and out of control, his uncontrollable screaming which the person on the other end of 000 thought was my child screaming, but all he remembers is he felt like he was watching, from afar, almost glad this was happening, because it was 'time' that he came to the surface.

The seizure brought some instant change, especially when it came to how we felt about what had happened. Our toddler wanted to give daddy a cuddle straight away, even though he sat completely out of it on the couch, not knowing what to do next or what to say. The seizure also brought intense denial as well, considering his first instinct after having the seizure, was to go to work, does this not say it all? I begged him to stay home, "A seizure is not normal", "You are going to kill yourself!" Maybe secretly this is what he wanted? To be so stressed to the max that he did not actually want to exist, was he depressed?

I was so angry at what had happened. I was angry that it had happened, I was angry that we let it happen and i quickly realised, my anger was a catalyst. I spent a fair amount of time accusing the paramedic, yes there was flaws to the way he spoke and his interactions, that made us hurt beyond belief and I did put a complaint in, because being told a 10 minute seizure was 'normal' was absolute bollocks and needed more attention, even if it did just seem like 'hyperventilation'. It was not normal for us, or anyone else we have spoken to. But I realise now, the parademic was not the reason the seizure happened and we can't spend any longer being angry at him. The stress was all us. The 50 hour work weeks, the stubborn attitudes plaguing our house, the constant adrenalin fueled existence, how could anyone survive this kind of torture? It was emotional, spiritual, physical and mental suicide and that indeed is what cause the traumatic episode.

I later found out that he just felt, that he needed to provide, and even though I told him countless times to cut down the hours and we needed him at home, not working himself to death, he would take on every single possible shift known to man, to save save save. Now there is no doubt that those shifts, has saved us, because he had saved enough money to stay home 2 months and that is when our journey would truly begin....

Prologue

…and just like that, one moment we were having a bit of an argument about money and he fell on the floor. It all seems like a blur now, but I remember three things going through my head by process of elimination.... 1. Is he messing around? Is he that angry that he is purposely smashing his head and thrashing around? 2. Oh crap! I don’t think he’s messing around 3. Oh my god! He might be having a seizure! What the hell do I do?
 

So I called 000.

I put my 14 month old in the cot, told her Mummy loves her and I am sorry but I need to help daddy right now. I spoke to the man on the other end of 000, not knowing what had just happened or what will happen once the nightmare was over. I explained exactly what happened, what he was going through, talked through the fact this was the first time, how the thrashing slowed down eventually and by that time the paramedic had arrived. The seizure lasted 10 minutes. The most frightening 10 minutes of our life.

My 29 year old fiancé, had indeed had a seizure. The paramedic was sure it was just a stress seizure and it was, ‘normal’, something to this day I would disagree with. It was not normal and it is not something anyone should go through in day to day life....But with this seizure brought complete emotional and spiritual change and we are glad that this mystery seizure scared us shitless to be a catalyst to a complete change in our life.

Parenting & judgements.

Are we going too far with gentle parenting that we are actually being so judgemental on others behaviour because it doesn't fit with our own ideas?

Or are we just completely speechless that 8 week olds are being sleep trained and instead of giving a baby cuddles they are made to cry and cry and cry...
it breaks my heart even thinking about it.

I really do think about this a lot. Because my playgroup is for the more gentle parenting side & sometimes we get on the conversation of some of these things, that are often controversial.

To be frank, I don't understand how someone can let their baby cry, even in fear that their baby will 'always be attached if I cuddle them to sleep' or 'they'll never leave the family bed'.

All babies are so different and I do believe that from day 1 attachment is so important.

However I then do understand that not everyone has grown up with an attachment parenting parent and may not be touchy feely and really know what to do with a baby that won't stop crying.

Being a parent is tough, there's NO doubt about it....but how far do we go when we are stepping into dangerous 'judgemental' territory?

I saw a woman write up the other day on a facebook page I am on, that her 11 week old just wouldn't stop crying. Why? He had slept SO well for the past 11 weeks! She was really shocked & had taken to letting him cry it out, because to me it seemed she had no idea what else to do.

At first I was shocked, I demand fed & I picked my baby up when she cried, I did not let her cry at that age. I let her know that she probably needed to give him a cuddle. 11 weeks is a tough age and if he's suddenly come out of a really 'good run of sleep' then he might be going through a wonder week, learning lots of new things - like being able to adjust his eyes to see things clearer - or a whole bunch of other new things, he could be teething as some babies do teeth at that age, he could just be having a growth spurt.

I really do feel like I have to tell people of my experience because I often feel like the idea is that if you start a habit that's it, the baby will NEVER ever forget that habit and you'll be forced to do the same thing over and over.

I got lucky for some reason. My daughter at the age of about 4 months had a crazy growth spurt, I remember it well. I lost my mind, had a few meltdowns and was so sleep deprived it was insane. I begged for sleep.

My daughter still fed every 4 hours at that stage, so every night I still got up for her feed & it was TOUGH.

Now for some reason (once again i have NO answers) but she started sleeping through the night at 6.5 months. We were away for Christmas when she turned 6 months & I decided it was a good time to start solids as I was with my parents & they could help out. We were only feeding her avocado once a day.

Now at Christmas it was HARD. Lily would NOT nap without being cuddles, sung to for HOURS upon HOURS, we tried to take her in the pram for walks to get her to sleep, the whole week away for Christmas was HELLISH.

Then she calmed down again. She started sleeping better & would often unsettle but we could go into her room, put a dummy in her mouth and she'd settle back down, granted that this was about 5 times a night.

From starting solids it started a whole issue with her tummy. Her digestive system was getting constipated, so she was pooing old poo and it HURT. She strained SO hard. We took her to a chiro to get some help & a kineseologist and he gave us some natural vitamins to help her balance her bacteria and voula no kidding in 2 weeks she was 10000% and that has not changed.

But the whole tummy thing - caused a whole new issue with sleep. She'd wake up with gas, be rolling around in pain, wouldn't go down, we'd be walking her EVERY night to get her to sleep, but as soon as we'd put her down she'd wake up.

Then we had her on a floor bed as she'd ROLL and ROLL herself into the cot. The floor bed was PERFECT for the 2 months we had her on it & then it turned into chilly chilly winter & she was waking up A LOT and probably quite cold, so my dad suggested we put her back in the cot as it's higher & hot air rises, so we did.

At 10/11 months, as soon as we had her in the cot, she had 2 weeks of HELLISH sleep, as in night wakings for feeds, 4am wakeups, dodgy naps, then suddenly 6 nights she slept soundly. She didn't MOVE in her sleep, her wakeups went from 4am to 7:30am, her bedtime moved, her lunch moved, her dinner moved, ALL BY HERSELF.

I did NOTHING. I just went by her cue. She has had a routine since about 6 months when she had her hip brace off, of dinner - bath - bed. That all moved. Everything has moved, she sleeps 7:30-8pm to 7:15-7:30am everyday now. I did nothing.

She also decided that she didn't need her dummy for her naps & just needed it at night, we did not decide that. Kane literally just realised she was spitting it out & didn't give it to her and she'd nod off by herself.

Sometimes she still needs to be rocked, sometimes she can settle herself in her cot.
Sometimes she unsettles, but honestly, I can put her down at the moment and she will sleep deeply for 12 hours.


I actually get judged for the fact my daughter sleeps overnight, like not kidding you. By mothers whose toddlers still aren't sleeping through and need a feed. I just reply "Well I have no answers because I did nothing different to you" But I feel a little deflated, why can't my baby sleep through the night without being judged? I didn't force her to do anything, she just decided she was ready, for whatever reason, there IS no answer. I think they feel sometimes this gentle parenting label they have given themselves is the reason, that's not true either. It's the difference of the baby as an individual.

I think BLW is fantastic because you go by the babies cue SOLELY, you trust that they can spit out their food, they know how full they are and they eat what they want and how much they want & I do the same with Lily all the time, it's all on her. I've NEVER forced her into a routine - except we do the dinner - bath - bed one because she LOVES the bath! and it helps wash dinner off her haha
I have NO answers and it could change any second, except she did it ALL herself, because she KNOWS what she needs & out of all the judgements and gentle parenting and other labels people use. & I think more people should trust THEMSELVES and their instincts & their babies instincts when it comes to parenting.