Prose 1

After the paramedic had been and gone, I didn't know what to do. I felt instantly guilty because I had started a fight about finances and I know that was what had made him stress out to the point of rage. After the seizure, we spoke of what had happened and I learnt that he had no memory of what we were talking about, but he just felt like his body was taken over by an external force. He had kicked a bucket of plastic balls before he fell on the ground and he did not remember this at all. He did not remember the seizure and he felt 'out of body' the entire time, watching himself and watching my reaction the whole time. He felt his dark emotional issues unwind as he seizured on the floor, his body flung around, thrashing and out of control, his uncontrollable screaming which the person on the other end of 000 thought was my child screaming, but all he remembers is he felt like he was watching, from afar, almost glad this was happening, because it was 'time' that he came to the surface.

The seizure brought some instant change, especially when it came to how we felt about what had happened. Our toddler wanted to give daddy a cuddle straight away, even though he sat completely out of it on the couch, not knowing what to do next or what to say. The seizure also brought intense denial as well, considering his first instinct after having the seizure, was to go to work, does this not say it all? I begged him to stay home, "A seizure is not normal", "You are going to kill yourself!" Maybe secretly this is what he wanted? To be so stressed to the max that he did not actually want to exist, was he depressed?

I was so angry at what had happened. I was angry that it had happened, I was angry that we let it happen and i quickly realised, my anger was a catalyst. I spent a fair amount of time accusing the paramedic, yes there was flaws to the way he spoke and his interactions, that made us hurt beyond belief and I did put a complaint in, because being told a 10 minute seizure was 'normal' was absolute bollocks and needed more attention, even if it did just seem like 'hyperventilation'. It was not normal for us, or anyone else we have spoken to. But I realise now, the parademic was not the reason the seizure happened and we can't spend any longer being angry at him. The stress was all us. The 50 hour work weeks, the stubborn attitudes plaguing our house, the constant adrenalin fueled existence, how could anyone survive this kind of torture? It was emotional, spiritual, physical and mental suicide and that indeed is what cause the traumatic episode.

I later found out that he just felt, that he needed to provide, and even though I told him countless times to cut down the hours and we needed him at home, not working himself to death, he would take on every single possible shift known to man, to save save save. Now there is no doubt that those shifts, has saved us, because he had saved enough money to stay home 2 months and that is when our journey would truly begin....