I was 15 and it wasn't that I thought I suffered from anxiety or depression at all, or felt like i did. I felt a bit sad, but my grandpa and friend had just died, so that was just naturally grieving. It wasn't until I started my tafe course in 2007, I realised how alcoholism was ruining my life.
I had been drinking from the age of 17 without many breaks in between, I craved being drunk, because being drunk made me funny right? It made people like me, because I felt my own personality was never good enough. Of course anyone who has never felt like this wont understand, but I know a lot of people will.I felt like the world was judging me every second, even when no-one was looking.
I felt like if i bothered to make an effort, it was never good enough anyway. A whole bunch of failed relationships, and I was pretty sure my family disliked what I was doing. Of course they were still there out of default, but I can see now how they must have felt. I was the one who always asked for money and blew it on booze or partying, when it was meant to be for the dentist.
I felt sorry for myself at times, but mostly just hated who I was. I was still a good friend but most of my friendships revolved around other drunk and depressed people. These people could never help me. This whole time of my life I'd have denied all of this at the time. Even after stealing from my brother whose house I lived in. I stole his alcohol, money, food, anything I could.I fell asleep in our front yard with a bottle of wine.
I could never just have one drink. One drink always ended up as getting hammered.
I had no understanding of how I was ruining peoples lives around me, I only cared about myself. I also justified everything. So of course it was okay to drink that whole bottle of scotch my brother had, why not? Hes not drinking it...
These justifications, I shake my head at now, I know all of these excuses are not real and from a drunken, depressed reality, my own reality I had created for my own selfish world.
I never appreciated my family enough even though they were and are amazing, in ways I thought they owed me... For what? Who knows. In November 2007, this whole world came crashing down. I was living with friends who i drank with most nights and partied with on a regular basis. I was still studying at tafe barely, and to be honest I dont know how i completed that year.
My lecturer had pointed out my anxious behaviours and I broke down.
My housemate pointed out my depression, I avoided it and denied it.
I was sleeping all day with sleeping tablets, and staying up all night.
I was partying harder than ever, which often consisted of a bottle of jack daniels every 2 nights or a night at at one point. It was the most destructive I had ever felt. I had changed so much.
I remember complaining to people, or constantly talking about myself to get recognition. If I wasn't drunk or making a mess of myself, I was shy, quiet and anxious.
One night, i just broke down. I sat on my bed, called my mum and just sobbed.
I was so far down the rabbit hole and I couldn't find the ladder to get back to the surface.
In the end everything came together.
My beautiful housemate became pregnant to her partner and needed to move out.
So with having finished my course, starting on medication and seeing a psychologist, I made the choice to move back to Adelaide and get sober!
I spent from November 2010 to February 2011 spending time at my parents and going to the beach every morning. I got very sick because I was forcing out all the toxins I had let poison my body and mind over so many years. I did not see many people and it was not until I went to RvM at Higher Ground, I think it was the 3rd one, that I met my now boyfriend Kane.
I am so glad I met him because we have grown as people and we are both the happiest we have ever been. I can still have a couple drinks when I'm out but try to limit it, otherwise I suffer from really bad anxiety and depression easily. I am still working out my past issues and with constant anxiety, it does make it hard, but I will push through.
I have so many passions to help people do the same in life. Depression is only a temporary state of mind and talking is the most important thing. We spend too much time in our own heads and not reaching out to those who will understand.
As much as we can convince ourselves they won't, they will.
I've reached out to people before and never known of them to be depressed, yet have heard their story and felt glad to hear it.
Sharing your story is important.
I lived a whole other lifetime before coming back to Adelaide.
Rachel.
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