Rachel Carger
I am a 27 year old female, living in Adelaide. I have been studying a Bachelor of Social Work since 2009. I have experienced severe depression and had suicidal tendencies since I was 15, however I have spent the past year dealing with internal issues and have a brand new lease on life. I have created ‘Kill the Silence’ which is an art and music showcase for awareness of depression and suicide, with the proceeds/donations going to charity. I always endeavor to a help my community grow and for everyone to feel loved in life.
Blog.
It’s time for change.
For so much of my life I have felt like I had to fit in. I had to look a certain way to be accepted within society or amongst certain scenes I was around. I knew I was never satisfied by this and I saw how superficial I was living. I knew from my thoughts that I was not satisfied and this had to change. I could live my life living this consistent fear; however where would that get me? I wasn't happy within myself and I could feel myself spiraling further downward. I cared too much about what people thought about me and whether they would find me attractive or not. If I was ever going to be able to lose weight and actually love myself for who I was I had to take drastic measures so that I could love myself again for who I was. I did not want to be a slave to society to have to look a certain way to be valued. The decision was difficult but also easy to make. Hair will grow back, yet the fear has been vanquished. I feel like I can be myself and I know from doing this I will no longer let it control my every decision, all of my anxieties. I am throwing myself to the lions of society, it will not be conquered straight, and however patience is a virtue. I am more confident than ever. I was afraid of how people would react, however I am not doing this for anyone but myself, so it does not matter!
The sheer terror that I witness coming out of people these days, the absolute self-disgust projected as distrust for everyone around them, distrust of probably some of the only people that had time for them that could have helped them. Its mad, because its projected as a call to get away from the problems and the hate but it’s the exact opposite, your actions ARE the CORE of the hate and the destruction. There are serious life values that need to change, real inner fears that need to be faced. Everyone has the potential to better themselves and become one with their body/mind/soul complex, not even in a higher self-zen way but just a bit of self-awareness that could achieve a more constructive way of life. It takes a conscious effort though, it’s not a matter with your external world, and your external world is a reflection of your internal struggle. You have to do that terrible thing and drop the story, everything you have decided you are you have to drop, let it go, vanish into the ether. There is nothing about you that is defined that is established, to be established you have to refuse new information. That day you stopped changing is the day you died. Reject all fundamental truths about yourself, they are all ego motivated and justified to protect a fragile lie from falling apart. Break yourself apart, right back to the base, as soon as you do you can start building again, but not with stone this time, build with formless energy. Everything you are can change in a second, one day you may find the great joy in the temporary, the great freedom in nothingness.
…..and trust me, it won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it.
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