So even though he had a seizure, Kane felt he needed to go to work. The adrenalin had hit hard and fast and he had no idea he could be putting himself in danger. That night when he came home, he realised, Oh shit I had a seizure! He must have been in a serious denial and I had to keep reminding him how dangerous it was to not take it easy after what his body had been through.
The issue with Kanes work, was that it was casual and he really could not take time off. However, he also had this idea that he had to work and could not ask for time off. He also did not speak to anyone about the seizure. It was as if he was embarrassed about it. We are completely different people as I'd be telling people so they could watch out for me. He came home with a giant headache, possibly from smashing his head during the seizure and his whole body was sore, from the muscles tensing for 10 minutes.
He started going through what I would call a grieving phase for his life before the seizure. His body had changed, his mind had changed and his soul had changed. He was ready to change. After some audial interference and synchronous thoughts, he realised this was his time to change. It is time to break away from the stressful career that was killing him and ruining his relationships and work out what to do next.
Emotionally he was unwound, but there was an inkling that he knew he was meant for great things, but still he could not switch himself from the darker thoughts and get to the light side, where he knew he was safe. He knew there was something underlying, sitting there in his unconscious that he needed to get to, and there was no other way to get to this except hypnotherapy. Months before I had found a lady in our area who did hypnotherapy on people and I just knew he needed to see her. Finally it was time for him to see her, and he made an appointment. I had booked an interstate trip so he had some time to himself after the seizure, as it really had rocked him and having a grumpy partner and toddler probably wasn't the best thing to have around him.
The hypnotherapy session would be the complete game changer.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Prose 1
After the paramedic had been and gone, I didn't know what to do. I felt instantly guilty because I had started a fight about finances and I know that was what had made him stress out to the point of rage. After the seizure, we spoke of what had happened and I learnt that he had no memory of what we were talking about, but he just felt like his body was taken over by an external force. He had kicked a bucket of plastic balls before he fell on the ground and he did not remember this at all. He did not remember the seizure and he felt 'out of body' the entire time, watching himself and watching my reaction the whole time. He felt his dark emotional issues unwind as he seizured on the floor, his body flung around, thrashing and out of control, his uncontrollable screaming which the person on the other end of 000 thought was my child screaming, but all he remembers is he felt like he was watching, from afar, almost glad this was happening, because it was 'time' that he came to the surface.
The seizure brought some instant change, especially when it came to how we felt about what had happened. Our toddler wanted to give daddy a cuddle straight away, even though he sat completely out of it on the couch, not knowing what to do next or what to say. The seizure also brought intense denial as well, considering his first instinct after having the seizure, was to go to work, does this not say it all? I begged him to stay home, "A seizure is not normal", "You are going to kill yourself!" Maybe secretly this is what he wanted? To be so stressed to the max that he did not actually want to exist, was he depressed?
I was so angry at what had happened. I was angry that it had happened, I was angry that we let it happen and i quickly realised, my anger was a catalyst. I spent a fair amount of time accusing the paramedic, yes there was flaws to the way he spoke and his interactions, that made us hurt beyond belief and I did put a complaint in, because being told a 10 minute seizure was 'normal' was absolute bollocks and needed more attention, even if it did just seem like 'hyperventilation'. It was not normal for us, or anyone else we have spoken to. But I realise now, the parademic was not the reason the seizure happened and we can't spend any longer being angry at him. The stress was all us. The 50 hour work weeks, the stubborn attitudes plaguing our house, the constant adrenalin fueled existence, how could anyone survive this kind of torture? It was emotional, spiritual, physical and mental suicide and that indeed is what cause the traumatic episode.
I later found out that he just felt, that he needed to provide, and even though I told him countless times to cut down the hours and we needed him at home, not working himself to death, he would take on every single possible shift known to man, to save save save. Now there is no doubt that those shifts, has saved us, because he had saved enough money to stay home 2 months and that is when our journey would truly begin....
The seizure brought some instant change, especially when it came to how we felt about what had happened. Our toddler wanted to give daddy a cuddle straight away, even though he sat completely out of it on the couch, not knowing what to do next or what to say. The seizure also brought intense denial as well, considering his first instinct after having the seizure, was to go to work, does this not say it all? I begged him to stay home, "A seizure is not normal", "You are going to kill yourself!" Maybe secretly this is what he wanted? To be so stressed to the max that he did not actually want to exist, was he depressed?
I was so angry at what had happened. I was angry that it had happened, I was angry that we let it happen and i quickly realised, my anger was a catalyst. I spent a fair amount of time accusing the paramedic, yes there was flaws to the way he spoke and his interactions, that made us hurt beyond belief and I did put a complaint in, because being told a 10 minute seizure was 'normal' was absolute bollocks and needed more attention, even if it did just seem like 'hyperventilation'. It was not normal for us, or anyone else we have spoken to. But I realise now, the parademic was not the reason the seizure happened and we can't spend any longer being angry at him. The stress was all us. The 50 hour work weeks, the stubborn attitudes plaguing our house, the constant adrenalin fueled existence, how could anyone survive this kind of torture? It was emotional, spiritual, physical and mental suicide and that indeed is what cause the traumatic episode.
I later found out that he just felt, that he needed to provide, and even though I told him countless times to cut down the hours and we needed him at home, not working himself to death, he would take on every single possible shift known to man, to save save save. Now there is no doubt that those shifts, has saved us, because he had saved enough money to stay home 2 months and that is when our journey would truly begin....
Prologue
…and just like that, one moment we were
having a bit of an argument about money and he fell on the floor. It all seems
like a blur now, but I remember three things going through my head by process of elimination.... 1. Is he
messing around? Is he that angry that he is purposely smashing his head and
thrashing around? 2. Oh crap! I don’t think he’s messing around 3. Oh my god! He
might be having a seizure! What the hell do I do?
So I called 000.
I put my 14 month old in the cot, told her
Mummy loves her and I am sorry but I need to help daddy right now. I spoke to
the man on the other end of 000, not knowing what had just happened or what will
happen once the nightmare was over. I explained exactly what happened, what he
was going through, talked through the fact this was the first time, how the
thrashing slowed down eventually and by that time the paramedic had arrived. The seizure lasted 10 minutes. The most frightening 10 minutes of our life.
My 29 year old fiancé, had indeed had a
seizure. The paramedic was sure it was just a stress seizure and it was, ‘normal’,
something to this day I would disagree with. It was not normal and it is not
something anyone should go through in day to day life....But with this seizure
brought complete emotional and spiritual change and we are glad that this
mystery seizure scared us shitless to be a catalyst to a complete change in our
life.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Parenting & judgements.
Are we going too far with gentle parenting that we are actually being
so judgemental on others behaviour because it doesn't fit with our own
ideas?
Or are we just completely speechless that 8 week olds are being sleep trained and instead of giving a baby cuddles they are made to cry and cry and cry...
it breaks my heart even thinking about it.
I really do think about this a lot. Because my playgroup is for the more gentle parenting side & sometimes we get on the conversation of some of these things, that are often controversial.
To be frank, I don't understand how someone can let their baby cry, even in fear that their baby will 'always be attached if I cuddle them to sleep' or 'they'll never leave the family bed'.
All babies are so different and I do believe that from day 1 attachment is so important.
However I then do understand that not everyone has grown up with an attachment parenting parent and may not be touchy feely and really know what to do with a baby that won't stop crying.
Being a parent is tough, there's NO doubt about it....but how far do we go when we are stepping into dangerous 'judgemental' territory?
I saw a woman write up the other day on a facebook page I am on, that her 11 week old just wouldn't stop crying. Why? He had slept SO well for the past 11 weeks! She was really shocked & had taken to letting him cry it out, because to me it seemed she had no idea what else to do.
At first I was shocked, I demand fed & I picked my baby up when she cried, I did not let her cry at that age. I let her know that she probably needed to give him a cuddle. 11 weeks is a tough age and if he's suddenly come out of a really 'good run of sleep' then he might be going through a wonder week, learning lots of new things - like being able to adjust his eyes to see things clearer - or a whole bunch of other new things, he could be teething as some babies do teeth at that age, he could just be having a growth spurt.
I really do feel like I have to tell people of my experience because I often feel like the idea is that if you start a habit that's it, the baby will NEVER ever forget that habit and you'll be forced to do the same thing over and over.
I got lucky for some reason. My daughter at the age of about 4 months had a crazy growth spurt, I remember it well. I lost my mind, had a few meltdowns and was so sleep deprived it was insane. I begged for sleep.
My daughter still fed every 4 hours at that stage, so every night I still got up for her feed & it was TOUGH.
Now for some reason (once again i have NO answers) but she started sleeping through the night at 6.5 months. We were away for Christmas when she turned 6 months & I decided it was a good time to start solids as I was with my parents & they could help out. We were only feeding her avocado once a day.
Now at Christmas it was HARD. Lily would NOT nap without being cuddles, sung to for HOURS upon HOURS, we tried to take her in the pram for walks to get her to sleep, the whole week away for Christmas was HELLISH.
Then she calmed down again. She started sleeping better & would often unsettle but we could go into her room, put a dummy in her mouth and she'd settle back down, granted that this was about 5 times a night.
From starting solids it started a whole issue with her tummy. Her digestive system was getting constipated, so she was pooing old poo and it HURT. She strained SO hard. We took her to a chiro to get some help & a kineseologist and he gave us some natural vitamins to help her balance her bacteria and voula no kidding in 2 weeks she was 10000% and that has not changed.
But the whole tummy thing - caused a whole new issue with sleep. She'd wake up with gas, be rolling around in pain, wouldn't go down, we'd be walking her EVERY night to get her to sleep, but as soon as we'd put her down she'd wake up.
Then we had her on a floor bed as she'd ROLL and ROLL herself into the cot. The floor bed was PERFECT for the 2 months we had her on it & then it turned into chilly chilly winter & she was waking up A LOT and probably quite cold, so my dad suggested we put her back in the cot as it's higher & hot air rises, so we did.
At 10/11 months, as soon as we had her in the cot, she had 2 weeks of HELLISH sleep, as in night wakings for feeds, 4am wakeups, dodgy naps, then suddenly 6 nights she slept soundly. She didn't MOVE in her sleep, her wakeups went from 4am to 7:30am, her bedtime moved, her lunch moved, her dinner moved, ALL BY HERSELF.
I did NOTHING. I just went by her cue. She has had a routine since about 6 months when she had her hip brace off, of dinner - bath - bed. That all moved. Everything has moved, she sleeps 7:30-8pm to 7:15-7:30am everyday now. I did nothing.
She also decided that she didn't need her dummy for her naps & just needed it at night, we did not decide that. Kane literally just realised she was spitting it out & didn't give it to her and she'd nod off by herself.
Sometimes she still needs to be rocked, sometimes she can settle herself in her cot.
Sometimes she unsettles, but honestly, I can put her down at the moment and she will sleep deeply for 12 hours.
I actually get judged for the fact my daughter sleeps overnight, like not kidding you. By mothers whose toddlers still aren't sleeping through and need a feed. I just reply "Well I have no answers because I did nothing different to you" But I feel a little deflated, why can't my baby sleep through the night without being judged? I didn't force her to do anything, she just decided she was ready, for whatever reason, there IS no answer. I think they feel sometimes this gentle parenting label they have given themselves is the reason, that's not true either. It's the difference of the baby as an individual.
I think BLW is fantastic because you go by the babies cue SOLELY, you trust that they can spit out their food, they know how full they are and they eat what they want and how much they want & I do the same with Lily all the time, it's all on her. I've NEVER forced her into a routine - except we do the dinner - bath - bed one because she LOVES the bath! and it helps wash dinner off her haha
I have NO answers and it could change any second, except she did it ALL herself, because she KNOWS what she needs & out of all the judgements and gentle parenting and other labels people use. & I think more people should trust THEMSELVES and their instincts & their babies instincts when it comes to parenting.
Or are we just completely speechless that 8 week olds are being sleep trained and instead of giving a baby cuddles they are made to cry and cry and cry...
it breaks my heart even thinking about it.
I really do think about this a lot. Because my playgroup is for the more gentle parenting side & sometimes we get on the conversation of some of these things, that are often controversial.
To be frank, I don't understand how someone can let their baby cry, even in fear that their baby will 'always be attached if I cuddle them to sleep' or 'they'll never leave the family bed'.
All babies are so different and I do believe that from day 1 attachment is so important.
However I then do understand that not everyone has grown up with an attachment parenting parent and may not be touchy feely and really know what to do with a baby that won't stop crying.
Being a parent is tough, there's NO doubt about it....but how far do we go when we are stepping into dangerous 'judgemental' territory?
I saw a woman write up the other day on a facebook page I am on, that her 11 week old just wouldn't stop crying. Why? He had slept SO well for the past 11 weeks! She was really shocked & had taken to letting him cry it out, because to me it seemed she had no idea what else to do.
At first I was shocked, I demand fed & I picked my baby up when she cried, I did not let her cry at that age. I let her know that she probably needed to give him a cuddle. 11 weeks is a tough age and if he's suddenly come out of a really 'good run of sleep' then he might be going through a wonder week, learning lots of new things - like being able to adjust his eyes to see things clearer - or a whole bunch of other new things, he could be teething as some babies do teeth at that age, he could just be having a growth spurt.
I really do feel like I have to tell people of my experience because I often feel like the idea is that if you start a habit that's it, the baby will NEVER ever forget that habit and you'll be forced to do the same thing over and over.
I got lucky for some reason. My daughter at the age of about 4 months had a crazy growth spurt, I remember it well. I lost my mind, had a few meltdowns and was so sleep deprived it was insane. I begged for sleep.
My daughter still fed every 4 hours at that stage, so every night I still got up for her feed & it was TOUGH.
Now for some reason (once again i have NO answers) but she started sleeping through the night at 6.5 months. We were away for Christmas when she turned 6 months & I decided it was a good time to start solids as I was with my parents & they could help out. We were only feeding her avocado once a day.
Now at Christmas it was HARD. Lily would NOT nap without being cuddles, sung to for HOURS upon HOURS, we tried to take her in the pram for walks to get her to sleep, the whole week away for Christmas was HELLISH.
Then she calmed down again. She started sleeping better & would often unsettle but we could go into her room, put a dummy in her mouth and she'd settle back down, granted that this was about 5 times a night.
From starting solids it started a whole issue with her tummy. Her digestive system was getting constipated, so she was pooing old poo and it HURT. She strained SO hard. We took her to a chiro to get some help & a kineseologist and he gave us some natural vitamins to help her balance her bacteria and voula no kidding in 2 weeks she was 10000% and that has not changed.
But the whole tummy thing - caused a whole new issue with sleep. She'd wake up with gas, be rolling around in pain, wouldn't go down, we'd be walking her EVERY night to get her to sleep, but as soon as we'd put her down she'd wake up.
Then we had her on a floor bed as she'd ROLL and ROLL herself into the cot. The floor bed was PERFECT for the 2 months we had her on it & then it turned into chilly chilly winter & she was waking up A LOT and probably quite cold, so my dad suggested we put her back in the cot as it's higher & hot air rises, so we did.
At 10/11 months, as soon as we had her in the cot, she had 2 weeks of HELLISH sleep, as in night wakings for feeds, 4am wakeups, dodgy naps, then suddenly 6 nights she slept soundly. She didn't MOVE in her sleep, her wakeups went from 4am to 7:30am, her bedtime moved, her lunch moved, her dinner moved, ALL BY HERSELF.
I did NOTHING. I just went by her cue. She has had a routine since about 6 months when she had her hip brace off, of dinner - bath - bed. That all moved. Everything has moved, she sleeps 7:30-8pm to 7:15-7:30am everyday now. I did nothing.
She also decided that she didn't need her dummy for her naps & just needed it at night, we did not decide that. Kane literally just realised she was spitting it out & didn't give it to her and she'd nod off by herself.
Sometimes she still needs to be rocked, sometimes she can settle herself in her cot.
Sometimes she unsettles, but honestly, I can put her down at the moment and she will sleep deeply for 12 hours.
I actually get judged for the fact my daughter sleeps overnight, like not kidding you. By mothers whose toddlers still aren't sleeping through and need a feed. I just reply "Well I have no answers because I did nothing different to you" But I feel a little deflated, why can't my baby sleep through the night without being judged? I didn't force her to do anything, she just decided she was ready, for whatever reason, there IS no answer. I think they feel sometimes this gentle parenting label they have given themselves is the reason, that's not true either. It's the difference of the baby as an individual.
I think BLW is fantastic because you go by the babies cue SOLELY, you trust that they can spit out their food, they know how full they are and they eat what they want and how much they want & I do the same with Lily all the time, it's all on her. I've NEVER forced her into a routine - except we do the dinner - bath - bed one because she LOVES the bath! and it helps wash dinner off her haha
I have NO answers and it could change any second, except she did it ALL herself, because she KNOWS what she needs & out of all the judgements and gentle parenting and other labels people use. & I think more people should trust THEMSELVES and their instincts & their babies instincts when it comes to parenting.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Parents.
There is no doubt that parents play a big role in our lives.
Where they are existent in their lives or not, they have at one stage played an important role, even if just in thoughts.
For me,
I have the most beautiful parents.
My parents have had a very traumatic past, with many fights & questioning their own marriage.
Through shift work, having 3 kids, 2 jobs my mum worked to get us through private school.
They definitely did their best, and lately they ARE their best,
Nearing 60 and they are the happiest couple I've ever met because they challenged each other & worked through their issues, because hey who doesn't have issues after being together since they were 15 & 17!
They are now grandparents, and wow the different in their hearts, the happiness I see in their eyes and their smiles is just overwhelming for me.
I am one of the kids who had parents who fought almost constantly in my childhood, especially Mum.
I remember them fighting over bills at night when I was trying to sleep & there's NO doubt before we went ANYWHERE on the weekend there would be a fight. It was hard to deal with as a child & my first poem I ever wrote was regarding the fights I could hear at night.
My bedroom was off the kitchen, lucky me.
It's so funny how different we remember things.
I just asked Mum why I was in that bedroom, as I couldn't remember and she told me I had a choice, I either get the big bedroom or my wardrobe in the smaller bedroom, and I chose my wardrobe!! I didn't remember that at all!
Our childhood was a loving time and to be honest I remember more happy memories than sad ones, and I was never scared of my parents.
But I saw them get really angry, especially Mum and sometimes that was full on.
But we have all grown up.
and now I have a baby, who is 1 in 4 weeks.
I am 30 in 4 weeks,
and life is now so different.
My mum and dad are two of the closest people in my life.
They are both different to the parents they had, my dads parents being very emotionally closed, and my mums parents being loving but closed off at times too.
Whereas my parents are just open ALL the time.
It's very refreshing.
We talk about EVERYTHING & there never has been limits.
At the kitchen table talking about everything from homosexuality to sex to drugs to anything else that might frighten parents, not mine. My dad being in forensics/crime scene in the police force KNEW what life was about, and my mother was living in a reality that was a little paranoid but just being a mother & protective for a reason.
My grandma was a bit shocked at the concept of the things we talked about, but after one of my homosexual friends stayed with us for a few months, we were at the point where before she met Barry she was quite religious and mostly against the idea of homosexuality, found him very charming and energetic and thought he was a 'lovely boy'.
Oh my things change.
My grandma was what these days would be labelled as a 'gentle parent'. She just loved, she loved everyone, she took those into her house who needed a hand, a meal, a hug. She was just the most beautiful soul I've ever had pleasure having in my life.
My Mum is the same person. She is 1000% loving, she will give and care and just be honest & if I need her I can call her and vent & she never judges me and just gives her bit of advice.
The best part of our life as their children & grandchildren has been laughter.
Laughter & sense of humour is a huge part of our life & without it, we would not be the family we are.
When we get together it's just the best fun ever.
Parents are over this weekend, it has been so much fun.
They adore Lily, they adore Kane & they live in our house, they help us clean, they love us, they have fun with us, we feed them & all is merry.
Without them, I would be a boring lifeless person.
They have made me the fiesty, confident, communicative woman I am today.
& I chose them before I even met them, I must have known.
Where they are existent in their lives or not, they have at one stage played an important role, even if just in thoughts.
For me,
I have the most beautiful parents.
My parents have had a very traumatic past, with many fights & questioning their own marriage.
Through shift work, having 3 kids, 2 jobs my mum worked to get us through private school.
They definitely did their best, and lately they ARE their best,
Nearing 60 and they are the happiest couple I've ever met because they challenged each other & worked through their issues, because hey who doesn't have issues after being together since they were 15 & 17!
They are now grandparents, and wow the different in their hearts, the happiness I see in their eyes and their smiles is just overwhelming for me.
I am one of the kids who had parents who fought almost constantly in my childhood, especially Mum.
I remember them fighting over bills at night when I was trying to sleep & there's NO doubt before we went ANYWHERE on the weekend there would be a fight. It was hard to deal with as a child & my first poem I ever wrote was regarding the fights I could hear at night.
My bedroom was off the kitchen, lucky me.
It's so funny how different we remember things.
I just asked Mum why I was in that bedroom, as I couldn't remember and she told me I had a choice, I either get the big bedroom or my wardrobe in the smaller bedroom, and I chose my wardrobe!! I didn't remember that at all!
Our childhood was a loving time and to be honest I remember more happy memories than sad ones, and I was never scared of my parents.
But I saw them get really angry, especially Mum and sometimes that was full on.
But we have all grown up.
and now I have a baby, who is 1 in 4 weeks.
I am 30 in 4 weeks,
and life is now so different.
My mum and dad are two of the closest people in my life.
They are both different to the parents they had, my dads parents being very emotionally closed, and my mums parents being loving but closed off at times too.
Whereas my parents are just open ALL the time.
It's very refreshing.
We talk about EVERYTHING & there never has been limits.
At the kitchen table talking about everything from homosexuality to sex to drugs to anything else that might frighten parents, not mine. My dad being in forensics/crime scene in the police force KNEW what life was about, and my mother was living in a reality that was a little paranoid but just being a mother & protective for a reason.
My grandma was a bit shocked at the concept of the things we talked about, but after one of my homosexual friends stayed with us for a few months, we were at the point where before she met Barry she was quite religious and mostly against the idea of homosexuality, found him very charming and energetic and thought he was a 'lovely boy'.
Oh my things change.
My grandma was what these days would be labelled as a 'gentle parent'. She just loved, she loved everyone, she took those into her house who needed a hand, a meal, a hug. She was just the most beautiful soul I've ever had pleasure having in my life.
My Mum is the same person. She is 1000% loving, she will give and care and just be honest & if I need her I can call her and vent & she never judges me and just gives her bit of advice.
The best part of our life as their children & grandchildren has been laughter.
Laughter & sense of humour is a huge part of our life & without it, we would not be the family we are.
When we get together it's just the best fun ever.
Parents are over this weekend, it has been so much fun.
They adore Lily, they adore Kane & they live in our house, they help us clean, they love us, they have fun with us, we feed them & all is merry.
Without them, I would be a boring lifeless person.
They have made me the fiesty, confident, communicative woman I am today.
& I chose them before I even met them, I must have known.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
My "little baby" is quickly approaching 1!
My little baby is now 4 weeks away from her 1st birthday.
Yesterday we bought her some size 1 clothing.
She is growing up sooo quick!
What a gem.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
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