I spent a long time in my life wondering what happens when I die.
I had panic attacks.
When I thought about it I felt physically ill.
I met Kane and he had a completely different view.
The polar opposite.
I feared everything.
FEARED EVERYTHING.
I was scared.
My Mum started to go on a spiritual journey for a while...
She went overseas to a whole lot of different countries...at the time I did not understand...
Now I do.
I've started my own Path.
It all started with a little tab called acid.
On 30 June 2011 I had some friends over my house for some drinks. One of those friends was a really good mate I've known for a long time and he gave me a tab of acid for my birthday.
I was not a big fan of LSD as I had a really bad experience on acid (dexter) when I was 19 and had lost my mind.
Now 3 months later, a very special friend would kill herself and completely change the community forever, for the better.
June 30 marked yet another birthday and presents one played the most important part - the LSD. Named "GINESH" elephant ACTUAL LSD.
Drugs really aren't my thing and something I dabbled with anymore, but I knew eventually Kane and I would have a tab each and lose our minds for 12 hrs. We actually lost the tabs at one stage as well but somehow found them in a plastic bin on the door. Very weird!
One night we made the choice to have them, our housemate was going out and it seemed like the best time. Not knowing what I'd experience I was very nervous and took half. Kane's metabolism works faster than mine so that hit his off quicker. I was still waiting and nothing kicked in so I (stupidly) took the other half.
Kane started acting all crazy, grabbing the video camera all Hunter S Thompson alike.
My mind was slowly becoming more fragile as time went by and I knew the acid was kicking in...
We soon found ourselves in the spare room leaning against the mattress and my whole entire body split like I no longer existed. I freaked out and grabbed Kane and he grabbed me and we felt like we were sinking into each other, like we were one soul, not two. Kane actually started sobbing because he found the boards of canada song that was playing was so beautiful and at that moment we were so incredibly connected.
I spent a long time doing a painting, writing a whole bunch of creative words that I felt meant what we do in life and how we live with colours.
I spent some time writing down everything that was said......Kane called tim to find out if we actually existed, tim came around.
Except in my mind Tim was an illusion and tim did not actually exist...
Tim then became a ghost and not real but then became different personalities of tim...man was I tripping out!
The next day we awoke feeling quite exhausted and like we'd fun a marathon.
TO BE CONTINUED....
Thursday, February 23, 2012
It all seems too much sometimes.
Okay so I've been finding it really hard to get anything out lately. I've been working so much I feel like my only useful words are "Welcome to Adelaide Metro this is Rachel how can I help you?"...
I'm noticing so many things right now....
This week has been FUCKING HECTIC.
My Mum has been going through some "evolutionary" processes with KNOWING there's a huge problem with her and Dad but not accepting that change is the only option as he won't admit or change, especially while she pushes the issue, but she also lets him get to her and that causes issues and she thinks she can just stay at the house and "detach" which I don't think is possible, since the issues stem back 35 years, she will just slink back into the bullshit again and the same manipulative game playing.
It made me sad, because I realised how much I am like my father, well was.
Before I had the big "wakeup" I call it in June 2011 when I started to treat myself like I deserved to live, I was manipulative, I lied, I was a pretty shit person, but I hated myself because I did not believe I had any worth being alive. This was indeed shit, but I had learnt these traits from my Dad, these traits are NOT who I actually am at my core, which is nice to know, because I was NOT a nice person from 15-24. I came back to Adelaide and my whole life changed. It wasn't until Beth died that I woke the fuck up though, well 6 months later.
Anyway.
So this happened.
I've been trying to not be sucked in emotionally, but the thought of my mum just sitting and putting up with hurts. I want her to fly free like the beautiful person she is and not be held back by my Dad who is stagnant and institutionalised. Yes I'm not just wanting to chuck dirt on Dad, he is a great guy, just not a good emotional person, but I guess that's why I always went to Mum about that stuff. He is a cop afterall.
THE GOOD NEWS. My brother is coming to Adelaide for his 30th in March and Mum is going to rent an apartment in Glenelg for the weekend = Awesome!
The worse news (but could get better news)
My Mum rings me at work. Goes to messagebank. She says she needs to talk to me. I've still got 5 hrs of my shift, so I call her at 8pm.
She starts to tell me that she has to tell me some news as she had to tell Brendan because her chiropractor devulged some information to my brother that he probably should have kept to himself - the information being that she MAY have had a small stroke in a part of her brain on Monday. Her symptoms (before and after) point to yes, the MRI scan on 7 March will say YAY OR NAY.
What hurts is that she didn't tell us.
Why?
Why keep that shit inside?
I think it hurts me more emotionally knowing she keeps all that shit inside. 35 years of hurt inside.
It hurts.
The whole worlds energy hurts right now.
I'm so sensitive to the world, I spend 8 hrs a fucking day talking to whinging cunts. It hurts.
Somehow I NEED TO DETACH from this.
I'm sad.
I grew up in a house where my parents fought a lot.
It hurts.
I find it hard to even talk about now because it just seemed so natural to grow up in.
I wish they broke up when I was a kid, then they may actually be happy.
:(
My Mum is so gorgeous and my dad brings out the worst in her, my mum nags and my dad withdraws, it's just a cycle of shit.
/sigh.
It can only get better from here though, awareness is the first step.
Onwards and Upwards.
I'm noticing so many things right now....
This week has been FUCKING HECTIC.
My Mum has been going through some "evolutionary" processes with KNOWING there's a huge problem with her and Dad but not accepting that change is the only option as he won't admit or change, especially while she pushes the issue, but she also lets him get to her and that causes issues and she thinks she can just stay at the house and "detach" which I don't think is possible, since the issues stem back 35 years, she will just slink back into the bullshit again and the same manipulative game playing.
It made me sad, because I realised how much I am like my father, well was.
Before I had the big "wakeup" I call it in June 2011 when I started to treat myself like I deserved to live, I was manipulative, I lied, I was a pretty shit person, but I hated myself because I did not believe I had any worth being alive. This was indeed shit, but I had learnt these traits from my Dad, these traits are NOT who I actually am at my core, which is nice to know, because I was NOT a nice person from 15-24. I came back to Adelaide and my whole life changed. It wasn't until Beth died that I woke the fuck up though, well 6 months later.
Anyway.
So this happened.
I've been trying to not be sucked in emotionally, but the thought of my mum just sitting and putting up with hurts. I want her to fly free like the beautiful person she is and not be held back by my Dad who is stagnant and institutionalised. Yes I'm not just wanting to chuck dirt on Dad, he is a great guy, just not a good emotional person, but I guess that's why I always went to Mum about that stuff. He is a cop afterall.
THE GOOD NEWS. My brother is coming to Adelaide for his 30th in March and Mum is going to rent an apartment in Glenelg for the weekend = Awesome!
The worse news (but could get better news)
My Mum rings me at work. Goes to messagebank. She says she needs to talk to me. I've still got 5 hrs of my shift, so I call her at 8pm.
She starts to tell me that she has to tell me some news as she had to tell Brendan because her chiropractor devulged some information to my brother that he probably should have kept to himself - the information being that she MAY have had a small stroke in a part of her brain on Monday. Her symptoms (before and after) point to yes, the MRI scan on 7 March will say YAY OR NAY.
What hurts is that she didn't tell us.
Why?
Why keep that shit inside?
I think it hurts me more emotionally knowing she keeps all that shit inside. 35 years of hurt inside.
It hurts.
The whole worlds energy hurts right now.
I'm so sensitive to the world, I spend 8 hrs a fucking day talking to whinging cunts. It hurts.
Somehow I NEED TO DETACH from this.
I'm sad.
I grew up in a house where my parents fought a lot.
It hurts.
I find it hard to even talk about now because it just seemed so natural to grow up in.
I wish they broke up when I was a kid, then they may actually be happy.
:(
My Mum is so gorgeous and my dad brings out the worst in her, my mum nags and my dad withdraws, it's just a cycle of shit.
/sigh.
It can only get better from here though, awareness is the first step.
Onwards and Upwards.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Energy...
We leave an energy trail as we are walking around so when we visit people the energy will follow, if we die the energy stays there, it is constantly around. I can read auras and I could map out the aura trail of energy people leave. This is why it's important to cleanse our homes and be careful of certain people we are around as they can be "energy thieves" or "energy vampires" as it is often called. These terms are not bullshit, they are real, people can suck the energy out of us very quickly, they don't realise they're doing it as when their energy is a dark colour/shades of dark/black/grey they are often misguided
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Universe.
Everything that exists is permeated by a Universal energy that connects and nourishes all of life. This energy has been called by many different names, such as chi and prana. This is the energy that integrally supports the life process in all its aspects, the material operations of the physical self, the functions and emotions of the mind, and our spiritual selves. The energy in this field is not lifeless or inert, rather it is active and intelligent. It can be considered a manifestation of the Universal consciousness that is the source of each of us and the entire universe. This is the energy that connects us to each other, the realm of pure consciousness, the spiritual source of life made manifest in the physical realm. One way to view this energy is to see it as a bridge between the realm of pure spirit and the manifested material world.
If this energy field is healthy and free of fragments, the living person will exhibit good health in all its physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects. Harmony will be a part of this person's life. However, oftentimes dysfunctional energy patterns are present in the energy field. Believe me, this occurs more often than not!
If this energy field is healthy and free of fragments, the living person will exhibit good health in all its physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects. Harmony will be a part of this person's life. However, oftentimes dysfunctional energy patterns are present in the energy field. Believe me, this occurs more often than not!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Kane
Kane is experiencing the sensitivity that is energy.
He is now experiencing the same thing I have been experiencing, where you can see/feel auras, see the energy around a person and feel their deepest darkest secrets.
Sometimes it can be useful, sometimes it's just damn scary.
He is now experiencing the same thing I have been experiencing, where you can see/feel auras, see the energy around a person and feel their deepest darkest secrets.
Sometimes it can be useful, sometimes it's just damn scary.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
8 feb 2012
Things I seem to be experiencing since 2012 changes/solar flare changes/moon changes/planetary shifts
Physical changes:
Weight loss
Tingling
Ringing in ear
energy changes when in light/dark energy
It is much quicker and easier to deal with emotional problems. The instances may be upsetting but less time is spent stewing over issues.
The want to confront and communicate is very powerful and I can't imagine being passive aggressive anymore.
The want to surround myself with people whose energies are blue/white/yellow/pinkish/red is more inviting than being around anyone with a darker energy as they have caused myself to feel physically ill and this is not favourable.
The want for more in life and to make a difference is greater, I am here for others now I am able to help them.
My dreams are very important psychically and with dealing with issues that may be important for me to deal with for my ability to lose the weight which I have gained through collecting the worlds plus my emotional pain.
Past life and childhood regression is very important to move on.
Asking before you go to sleep to be guided in your dreams for opening experiences, the minds eye and to be ascended further into the 5th dimension is important.
To open myself up to conversations with spirits and intuition and listening to myself instead of anyone else is really important.
Everything happens for a reason and this is true to me.
Death is in no way the end, our soul continues into another body.
Learning more about extra-terrestrials - the good the bad and the ugly (haha)
Control and power are 2 things that are no longer neccesary for ascension, as we are our own individuals and do not need or want to control others as this is purely egotistic, negative and can only show a dark energy
Eating well - eating 6 meals a day - drinking lots of water and exercising regularly -
In saying that, not beating myself up if I slip as I am recognising that I will be emotional at some point and I am luckly because it is only short term and not long term as it used to be.
Understand there is no tier in spiritual development, as we are all naturally gifted, it's just about opening ourself to possibilities and opportunities.
Loving myself before I can love anyone else, being happy with my own company before I can be happy within myself
Admitting my faults and working on them
Lately my faults have been;
Being too negative
Talking about others because they may mirror how I feel about myself (lack of confidence, self esteem issues, negativity, depression, anxiety, sadness)
In saying this I have been experiencing people who are clearly not okay with themselves are putting that back on me that the confrontation and communication that I would like to have for me to deal with my emotional issues and pain, is seen as my "loving of conflict" and "promoting negativity". This is very interesting because these people have shown time and time again to show signs of depression and paranoia and definitive self esteem issues and therefore compensating for that. It is interesting that they are in fact talking about me the way that I see them, so who's right? It's a hard one, but I'll keep attempting to better myself and really look into myself and work through my flaws and faults so that I can always work towards the person I want to be at the core.
Physical changes:
Weight loss
Tingling
Ringing in ear
energy changes when in light/dark energy
It is much quicker and easier to deal with emotional problems. The instances may be upsetting but less time is spent stewing over issues.
The want to confront and communicate is very powerful and I can't imagine being passive aggressive anymore.
The want to surround myself with people whose energies are blue/white/yellow/pinkish/red is more inviting than being around anyone with a darker energy as they have caused myself to feel physically ill and this is not favourable.
The want for more in life and to make a difference is greater, I am here for others now I am able to help them.
My dreams are very important psychically and with dealing with issues that may be important for me to deal with for my ability to lose the weight which I have gained through collecting the worlds plus my emotional pain.
Past life and childhood regression is very important to move on.
Asking before you go to sleep to be guided in your dreams for opening experiences, the minds eye and to be ascended further into the 5th dimension is important.
To open myself up to conversations with spirits and intuition and listening to myself instead of anyone else is really important.
Everything happens for a reason and this is true to me.
Death is in no way the end, our soul continues into another body.
Learning more about extra-terrestrials - the good the bad and the ugly (haha)
Control and power are 2 things that are no longer neccesary for ascension, as we are our own individuals and do not need or want to control others as this is purely egotistic, negative and can only show a dark energy
Eating well - eating 6 meals a day - drinking lots of water and exercising regularly -
In saying that, not beating myself up if I slip as I am recognising that I will be emotional at some point and I am luckly because it is only short term and not long term as it used to be.
Understand there is no tier in spiritual development, as we are all naturally gifted, it's just about opening ourself to possibilities and opportunities.
Loving myself before I can love anyone else, being happy with my own company before I can be happy within myself
Admitting my faults and working on them
Lately my faults have been;
Being too negative
Talking about others because they may mirror how I feel about myself (lack of confidence, self esteem issues, negativity, depression, anxiety, sadness)
In saying this I have been experiencing people who are clearly not okay with themselves are putting that back on me that the confrontation and communication that I would like to have for me to deal with my emotional issues and pain, is seen as my "loving of conflict" and "promoting negativity". This is very interesting because these people have shown time and time again to show signs of depression and paranoia and definitive self esteem issues and therefore compensating for that. It is interesting that they are in fact talking about me the way that I see them, so who's right? It's a hard one, but I'll keep attempting to better myself and really look into myself and work through my flaws and faults so that I can always work towards the person I want to be at the core.
Monday, February 6, 2012
passive aggressive nono
An interesting week it has been and in the end I made a very important choice to stand up and face and confront my emotional pain that was passive aggressive behaviour.
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