Okay so I've been finding it really hard to get anything out lately. I've been working so much I feel like my only useful words are "Welcome to Adelaide Metro this is Rachel how can I help you?"...
I'm noticing so many things right now....
This week has been FUCKING HECTIC.
My Mum has been going through some "evolutionary" processes with KNOWING there's a huge problem with her and Dad but not accepting that change is the only option as he won't admit or change, especially while she pushes the issue, but she also lets him get to her and that causes issues and she thinks she can just stay at the house and "detach" which I don't think is possible, since the issues stem back 35 years, she will just slink back into the bullshit again and the same manipulative game playing.
It made me sad, because I realised how much I am like my father, well was.
Before I had the big "wakeup" I call it in June 2011 when I started to treat myself like I deserved to live, I was manipulative, I lied, I was a pretty shit person, but I hated myself because I did not believe I had any worth being alive. This was indeed shit, but I had learnt these traits from my Dad, these traits are NOT who I actually am at my core, which is nice to know, because I was NOT a nice person from 15-24. I came back to Adelaide and my whole life changed. It wasn't until Beth died that I woke the fuck up though, well 6 months later.
Anyway.
So this happened.
I've been trying to not be sucked in emotionally, but the thought of my mum just sitting and putting up with hurts. I want her to fly free like the beautiful person she is and not be held back by my Dad who is stagnant and institutionalised. Yes I'm not just wanting to chuck dirt on Dad, he is a great guy, just not a good emotional person, but I guess that's why I always went to Mum about that stuff. He is a cop afterall.
THE GOOD NEWS. My brother is coming to Adelaide for his 30th in March and Mum is going to rent an apartment in Glenelg for the weekend = Awesome!
The worse news (but could get better news)
My Mum rings me at work. Goes to messagebank. She says she needs to talk to me. I've still got 5 hrs of my shift, so I call her at 8pm.
She starts to tell me that she has to tell me some news as she had to tell Brendan because her chiropractor devulged some information to my brother that he probably should have kept to himself - the information being that she MAY have had a small stroke in a part of her brain on Monday. Her symptoms (before and after) point to yes, the MRI scan on 7 March will say YAY OR NAY.
What hurts is that she didn't tell us.
Why?
Why keep that shit inside?
I think it hurts me more emotionally knowing she keeps all that shit inside. 35 years of hurt inside.
It hurts.
The whole worlds energy hurts right now.
I'm so sensitive to the world, I spend 8 hrs a fucking day talking to whinging cunts. It hurts.
Somehow I NEED TO DETACH from this.
I'm sad.
I grew up in a house where my parents fought a lot.
It hurts.
I find it hard to even talk about now because it just seemed so natural to grow up in.
I wish they broke up when I was a kid, then they may actually be happy.
:(
My Mum is so gorgeous and my dad brings out the worst in her, my mum nags and my dad withdraws, it's just a cycle of shit.
/sigh.
It can only get better from here though, awareness is the first step.
Onwards and Upwards.
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