Cycles.

I am really upset. As of 30 minutes ago I turned 28. My last conversation of being 27 was with my Mother who to be honest was not really interested in having a conversation. I will be completely alone for the day of my 28th birthday, because I am sick and my partner lives in Melbourne. Honestly, I am upset and disappointed. It would be nice if I had some support, especially on what is meant to be a happy day but is now going to be alone except for my cats. I have asked to at least have them drop by, but have had no reply. My parents are like that. Sometimes they are really supportive and sometimes they only think of themselves. Probably a defense mechanism. I am stressing myself out again and my joints are killing me, my whole body is killing me. I am at home alone, and therefore have to cook for myself, clean for myself and do my washing, this all becomes very painful. How am I meant to relax and rest when I have all of this to do because I am alone? Cats can only help with emotional support and cuddles, but they aren't there for household chores. It hurts. I really needed support and I thought that for one day I could get it, especially from a family that are usually quite supportive and communicative. I feel so alone that I wonder what's the fucking point? I'd never do anything as I see everything as a lesson, and I probably shouldn't have exploded tonight with tears but I just lost it. I got annoyed at my partner because he wasn't listening to me and I was already pissed off my own Mother was fobbing me off on the phone. Now he's pissed off with me and as much as I did feel upset at the time, I was frustrated at him not listening. It's a long time of not listening. It has been an issue in the past and it just popped up again and became an increased frustration. He says can't I call on someone? Who? I've got friends who are already doing as much as they can for me, what else can I expect? Unfortunately I am not going to ask someone to come look after me, I honestly thought my parents would think a little harder, but I honestly wonder whether they think I'm not that bad, or something as they haven't actually witnessed the joint swelling... I really see Kanes "alien' side when he's like this too. He can't connect with me and I can feel that it has been happening for a while now... he cannot comprehend what it is like to be human and have emotions and be empathetic at all. Our conversation goes back and forth of him feeling he can't connect and can't help me and I'm constantly putting out energy to ground him....yet I am doing the same fucking thing when I'm asking for some support....so it just never ends. Sometimes I'd almost rather just to be alone than to deal with this. I know it's getting me ready for some serious intense living, but wow what a heartbreaking time, for us both. To feel so disconnected from your soulmate, who you know you will be with no matter what for this lifetime, because he is alien and you are earth rooted, is incredible. I'm not even angry at him, I'm not even disappointed, I'm just trying to get him to understand that he is going to go through this cycle over and over again until he really does start listening to his intuition, because that's why he's in this lifetime, having to learn the same thing over and over again. I also know in my heart he will come over to Adelaide for my birthday and make me feel better and make me feel loved. This is just such a hard time for us. I'm glad he's over there though. I know these lessons are to be learned. Now I must go tend to these emotionally painful joints.

My incredible life.

Backstory. I've been really sick and didn't know why.. I had a cold, which turned into tonsil pain.. Then I started getting very sore joints, which has turned lovingly into intense inflammation of my knee, ankle, wrist, finger and elbow joints. Doctor says : May be auto immune response, could be 1000000 different things. Blood test, steroids, panadol, heatpacks, deep heat. I ran myself a bath. I put 4 small candles on each corner of the bath. I lit a sage incense stick. Turned the lights off. I slipped into the hot bath. I asked for guidance. Basically what happened: Just had the most intense experience. I lit 4 candles around my bath and put sage incense on. I could feel a shadow, guide, maybe monk in there with me He said this is all about clearance and learning how to deal with my emotions. Because Im a water sign I keep everything emotional inside instead of calming myself down. So he told me next time I get angry Im to count to 5, meditate and work out whether it's worth getting angry. If it isn't then calm the fuck down. If it is, then go nuts you've made the CHOICE instead of just exploding. Then he said to use Tiger as a healer (My female cat) because thats what she's here for. She mewed for me at the door. and I let her in and she just sat on the basin with me. I had left the door open. and.. Milky came in (My other cat - male) and the guide told me Milkys comfort. so use Milky for comfort, but he's not very smart. Milky came in and was mewing and derping hard wondering what I was doing, whereas Tiger was on the basin overseeing. I could see the guide in my shadow in the shower,which I was facing. He told me that Id find another job and not to worry about calling in sick as it will work itself out within 2 mon ths, but to look in more holistic areas instead of places I wouldn't enjoy, I need to work somewhere where Im giving and taking, as my current workplace just takes. and he also said the inflammation will clear up Everyone (doctors etc) will think it's due to the steroids but it's because I've cleansed myself I was breathing in really deep at that stage "RACHEL" and breathing out darkness which is something Lyn used to get me to do The deeper I breathed, the more beautiful everything seemed. It was like every breath was covering me with white snow, like I was trekking through the snow to get to the other side, it just kept going, feeling more cleansed each time. He said to burn a sage incense stick anytime I need some calming and to meditate more I even took in the tibetan art of positive thinking book in with me, but turned the light off so I wasnt sure why but thats why. Anywhere I take that book, it's like he's with me... I feel really good now The horrible headache I had has gone now and my body isn't in pain, there's still swelling but much less pressure He told me to go completely vegan Look up some recipes get meat out of my life because it will causes issues with my joints thats what the chemist lady said too the other day He said eat smart and treat myself well ALSO I got out of the bath and came into my bedroom and felt like putting on squarepusher which is only on cd.... My cd player has been fucking up BIGTIME like the laser won't pick anything up.... I wasnt able to play cds at all. I had squarepusher in the cd bit I pressed play and it wouldnt work Im like come on I want you to work so I put all this energy into it it was scrambling around for ages trying to work and it fucking worked. I was like O_O Positive fucking energy So yeah.... Mind exploding. He also said to eat whatever I want til I get off the roids because I need shit food right now for comfort but once Im healthy to get the fuck into eating really well He also said.... Ive had spirits in my house just hanging around for days and the last 2 days ive been really ill they havent been around (which tbh has been nice ) but he said its because im sick but i will be learning how to send them to the light eventually but it will be ok and not so creepy like it has been because I will know what to do

Visions/

Every night as I am going to sleep I meditate to relax my body and mind...and deep breathe until I float away into some kind of beautiful space, with no boundaries and full of light. I often envision things that I may not understand yet. The other night I had a vision of a little girl about 7-8 years old and I knew she was my daughter. She had golden/strawberryish coloured hair and freckles and she said to me Mummy, where's Daddy?" and I said back "He's just away for a while baby, he'll be back soon" and she said "OK" and ran off happy. Then I saw a little boy about 3-4 years old and then the vision ended and I fell asleep. It was the most amazing beautiful comforting feeling I've ever had, except when my Grandpa visits me. I have also had visions of ghosts walking past my kitchen window. One had a checkered shirt on. I had no idea what the relevance of this was. I then had another vision of 2 men renovating/doing flooring in the house and one had a checkered shirt on. Still not 100% sure what this is about but I'm sure I will find out soon enough.

Detached.

I feel very removed from society and everything around me. I know this is what depression is. I've felt it before, experienced it before, had to deal with it before and I've risen above it before. I want to immerse myself in everything so I don't have to the need to think and can just be numb. I know this shouldn't be what I want to feel, but the emotions, hormones, lack of self right now is hard to deal with. I am not used to feeling like this. Before I met Kane I felt like this, during the start of our relationship I felt like this, for a fair amount of up until he left Adelaide I did not feel like this, so this feeling is understood and known by my body and mind, and becomes a comfortable feeling and memory that is like a blanket that keeps me warm in winter, however I know it's not healthy and I know it's not something that's natural as I've felt natural before and this is a foreign emotion now. I still revert back to the memories and I convince myself that everything is natural and normal, even though it's not. I want to break down, scream, hit things, cry. This is not stress. This is emotional distress. I am sad. I am lonely. I am angry. I am feeling irrational. I am not able to control the emotions or able to stop the sadness and flowing of tears. I am not able to objectively see, like I used to. I hate my life now you've gone. I hate that I am talking to myself and what's the fun in that? I hate that I have to feel this just because you've left, why can't I just be happy on my own? I have bits and pieces of happiness but mostly drab, sad, aloneness that claws at me from the inside, makes me feel physically ill and hate myself more than I've ever hated myself. Why? Why is this happening to me? I can't focus on what's important, I can't sleep soundly, I can't think clearly, all I feel is sadness and it overwhelms me like a huge black cloud. I have a consistant thunderstorm, hailing down, it's cold, wet and distressing. How do I overcome this feeling? How do I get myself to understand being alone is okay? I get my energy from others, I am extroverted and I find that just being around my cats is not enough to sustain my self core. I have a significent other, who I live and breathe for, he cannot understand this as he at his core is alone, himself, nothing else and in fact feels alien to this world. I on the other hand, I am completely connected to the earth and the environment, so I feel what the earth feels and have to deal with the energy. I find there is a blurred line. Every now and then I feel good, but then it creeps back in and I completely lose direction. I can be irrational, and even not wanting to exist at all. What a scary world to be in. When Kane was over in Adelaide he had a really amazing experience that blew his mind and we both felt so connected, then it goes again. The feeling of him being in my energy field made me happy, the feeling of him not being in my energy field fills me with sadness, void and lethargy. I feel like I have no ability to be without him. I know I can, of course I can, but I just can't stop the emotions and hormones and shitty thoughts that convince me I can't be without him. Why is this happening? Of course I'm being taught a lesson and I will most likely come out the other side feeling quite adequate and happy, but I feel like whilst i feel devestated and dark, I don't have support, I feel incredibly alone and deeply disturbed. \ Happiness comes with knowing, and without knowing I have nothing.