Detached.

I feel very removed from society and everything around me. I know this is what depression is. I've felt it before, experienced it before, had to deal with it before and I've risen above it before. I want to immerse myself in everything so I don't have to the need to think and can just be numb. I know this shouldn't be what I want to feel, but the emotions, hormones, lack of self right now is hard to deal with. I am not used to feeling like this. Before I met Kane I felt like this, during the start of our relationship I felt like this, for a fair amount of up until he left Adelaide I did not feel like this, so this feeling is understood and known by my body and mind, and becomes a comfortable feeling and memory that is like a blanket that keeps me warm in winter, however I know it's not healthy and I know it's not something that's natural as I've felt natural before and this is a foreign emotion now. I still revert back to the memories and I convince myself that everything is natural and normal, even though it's not. I want to break down, scream, hit things, cry. This is not stress. This is emotional distress. I am sad. I am lonely. I am angry. I am feeling irrational. I am not able to control the emotions or able to stop the sadness and flowing of tears. I am not able to objectively see, like I used to. I hate my life now you've gone. I hate that I am talking to myself and what's the fun in that? I hate that I have to feel this just because you've left, why can't I just be happy on my own? I have bits and pieces of happiness but mostly drab, sad, aloneness that claws at me from the inside, makes me feel physically ill and hate myself more than I've ever hated myself. Why? Why is this happening to me? I can't focus on what's important, I can't sleep soundly, I can't think clearly, all I feel is sadness and it overwhelms me like a huge black cloud. I have a consistant thunderstorm, hailing down, it's cold, wet and distressing. How do I overcome this feeling? How do I get myself to understand being alone is okay? I get my energy from others, I am extroverted and I find that just being around my cats is not enough to sustain my self core. I have a significent other, who I live and breathe for, he cannot understand this as he at his core is alone, himself, nothing else and in fact feels alien to this world. I on the other hand, I am completely connected to the earth and the environment, so I feel what the earth feels and have to deal with the energy. I find there is a blurred line. Every now and then I feel good, but then it creeps back in and I completely lose direction. I can be irrational, and even not wanting to exist at all. What a scary world to be in. When Kane was over in Adelaide he had a really amazing experience that blew his mind and we both felt so connected, then it goes again. The feeling of him being in my energy field made me happy, the feeling of him not being in my energy field fills me with sadness, void and lethargy. I feel like I have no ability to be without him. I know I can, of course I can, but I just can't stop the emotions and hormones and shitty thoughts that convince me I can't be without him. Why is this happening? Of course I'm being taught a lesson and I will most likely come out the other side feeling quite adequate and happy, but I feel like whilst i feel devestated and dark, I don't have support, I feel incredibly alone and deeply disturbed. \ Happiness comes with knowing, and without knowing I have nothing.