2010 - 2012

Its amazing how my anxiety was at its best when I was a drunk. I miss how it took away my fears and manic urges. I took myself off my medication, it does nothing. I feel more anxious than ever. It’s funny though. i get angry at my boyfriend for not being able to hide his anxiety better, how rude of me. It’s just I have spent my lifetime hiding what happens in my mind and why should he be able to let it out? That’s not fair! I still get compulsive urges. To tidy something up, or move something because it doesn’t seem right. I find it hard at my boyfriends house because everything is so messy. I can handle my bedroom, because it’s my disorganised chaos. I can also handle my boyfriends bedroom, however the rest of the house, I feel like I have to constantly clean and scrub. I have always had this weird compulsive urge to write out a word or number or a multiple of numbers. It sounds weird, I’d hear a word and I had to write it out in my head or on a surface or i’d freak out and couldn’t handle it. I also do that with numbers, sometimes I’ll think of a number, or I’d hear a number and I’d have to write it out in my head, or on a surface. I told my boyfriend about this so now he thinks its funny when I do it, which is fine because he accepts that. I read a book tonight, about a boy who started having tourette urges and OCD. After a billion (no exaggeration) medicines, he was rehab’d back from his OCD and his tourettes got better and he could exist naturally once again. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I have a mental case of OCD. My fears can become very exaggerated and I will think of some of the most extreme things happening and then obsess on them, and this guy in the book had the same thing. I also obsess on dying and will wake up in the middle of the night from a panic attack in my sleep. I have panic attacks just as I’m going to sleep. At the moment a meditation cd is helping me relax before I sleep as I was told by my psych in Perth that the panic attacks in my sleep are flight/fight. I am glad I am off the meds. I feel no different being off them, which is weird. I should be freaking out and being mega depressed, but I’m not. I still can’t handle stress and this is the main factor for my depression and anxiety. Also when I get stressed the first thing I want to do is get drunk or smoke to get rid of the odd feelings. It’s funny, my boyfriend thinks I’m so together, and I have to remind him, it’s because it’s all in my head, and I let noone know, NOONE. Just another reminder that natural remedies are better than meds. I still meditate every single night and it has changed my whole world. I am no longer anxious and only get anxious when I drink which is not often. People can change, habits can change, its all about whether you want to be healthy of mind, body and soul, or just be destructive forever,

You are NEVER alone.

I remember standing drunk in a freezing cold shower, to try and make my body feel something, instead of being so numb like it had been lately, I was fuelled with thoughts of suicide. I hated myself and why should I bother to keep sustaining life when I was such a failure and would never amount to anything. This is something I have constantly felt throughout my life. I couldn't remember ever feeling good enough to actually do anything meaningful with my life. When these kind of thoughts are flooding your mind, it is hard to see any clarity and meaning in life. There was a constant emotional rollercoaster and I never knew how I would feel when I woke up in the morning. Whether I’d roll over and go back to sleep and not want to wake up until well into the afternoon, to hide from life and it’s consequences, or whether I’d jump out of bed full of happiness and positive outlook for the day ahead. Who knew. But I eventually spoke out about it, because this was no way to live, in constant fear of everything around me, inside and out. I got off any medication I ever thought would fix the issue because they just made me more unbalanced and I started talking, I started dealing with the issues that existed and I started to be honest with myself and everyone around me. It has been a long process, but a personal journey I am now more than proud of. I am (a) change that is in this world. Point is, you aren't alone, there are so many people fighting these internal battles, but you can get help before it gets to the point you don't want to exist. It is serious for me, as in a week I will be grieving yet again the loss of a close friend. Lifes too short for this kind of sadness. You are sad because you are fearful, the fears only exist because you allow them to take over. Everyone has the ability to defy these internal demons.

tranquility

Grandma Beth

Oh Grandma, You sweet little lady I am so blessed from being in your life. Radiating love, Giving your all, Anytime, anywhere, anyhow. I never felt alone around you, Always made me feel loved, And you always will. You gave your heart, You gave your strength, You gave it all unconditionally, to all, What a beautiful soul. An angel on earth is what you were, And now you have left us, But we’ll never forget, The hugs, the laughs, the kisses, The chats, the cups of tea and mostly the biscuits. What a joy you have always been, We really are going to miss you, It is hard to imagine you leaving physically, But I know, in my heart, spiritually, you will never leave.

For the dark in all of us.

August 4, 2012 at 11:35am · Every scar tells a story One for each life you wanted to cut short That dark, turbulent insular prison Never ending torturous dungeon Twisting, spiraling, stomach churning The same question every time... What's the point? Whats the point of existing, if all that exists is hurt and pain Why keep feeling this way if it never ends? When you wake up everyday, still falling down that rabbit hole, How do you stay afloat? When all you want is concrete blocks and a deep ocean to throw yourself in. To hide down a well so no one can ever find you. Hide your footsteps in the mud, in hope never to be seen again. How does life become important again when your heart is so heavy. 1000 knives stabbing it from all directions. Emotional shadows causing constant inner turbulence. Paranoid, never trusting, always aware of anxieties. The scars mark every want of washing away the pain. Is it possible? Can you ever be different than how you feel right now? Will you ever feel like s contributing member of society, or forever a prisoner in the four walls, forever fearful of the outside world and its judgements... Questions...no answers....but we survive another day, because something in us.....we know we are here for a reason....and so we keep trekking up the steepest mountain.....called lif

Reflection - future - happiness - family

I love being around my mum. She reminds me of the person I am. Honest, passionate, giving, to an extent where we are often walked over, but we still forgive and do not hold dislike because we see within people and the battles they face, that others can't see and we know they do not mean disrespect as frustrating as it can be. I love the different relationships I have with each family member. My dad is the knowledgeable one, who I can tease and who teases back. has the worst dryest sense of humour ever, but in the best way, and who gives the warmest hugs. My older brother, who I almost feel like a twin with sometimes, we are very similar in music taste and other tastes, we have lived together before and have had the best times together. My little brother who I also am very close to, he doesn't open up to many people, but I can always get it out of him, because he trusts me, as siblings should. We all have our negative and positive quirks, and I'm the girl so I always get teased more than ever when they are together, but at least now I just tell them what I think! My mum is basically me but as an older woman and learning different life lessons. She is an amazing passionate woman who I look up to more than ever, I am so proud of who she is and where she has come from in life. I've never met anyone more dedicated to others for her whole life over herself. She is someone who should win an award for being so giving and caring! Our caring hearts get us into trouble sometimes because we care too much, but this will never stop us opening our hearts, just being more intuitive with who we trust. I was born with the blood of this amazing woman and a crime scene investigator, Kane already knows what this means as he has already seen my 'investigative' ways and I fight until I get the truth, because I follow intuition. They brought me up to be a strong, independent, loving, compassionate, thankful, appreciative woman and I will do amazing things and I know that my move to Melbourne is just the beginning, but I am finally ready to allow myself to succeed. I have spent much of my life protecting myself, because I have been hurt so many times by those I trusted. My move will be the end of this protection and the start of allowing my intuition to grow and my sense of self take over. Protection is no longer needed as I am to love myself and make decisions best for me in life. I have never felt like I grew up and was capable of these decisions, but I now feel like I am directing my life instead of following someone else's idea of my life. I am so glad to have been born into such a beautiful family. A family I never have to pretend to be anyone but myself around. A family who I can have really interesting and intrusive but humorous conversations/debates with. A family I can laugh and laugh AND LAUGH AND LAUGH WITH, until my mum wets herself, every single time. A family, where no matter what we are there for each other. I am told often that this is rare and I should appreciate it, trust me I do. There's no-one I love more than these beautiful people and I am so blessed to have gone on this amazing journey with them and evolved the way we have. I am so proud of them as well for the individual journeys they have been on. My mum may have lost her mum but now she gets to create a similar family "pride" my grandparents created within us ♥

September 2012 is for radical change

and I am at a point of my life yet again where I find myself with little 'friends' around who think about someone else other than themselves. I realised that I find it so hard to let go of things like this and people like this because I, as a cancer star sign love family and friends so much I'd do anything for them, but when they don't act the same way back I am bitterly disappointed. This past month has been massive for reflection for me and I really realised that I have often been a stepping stone for others to get to a point in their life. That's okay, but there is a time where I have to evolve and understand that I am no longer a stepping stone for negative people to get to, but positive people to get to. I can't even dislike the people who have recently let me down, because I see them unable to ascend and I see them becoming more and more confused with their life around them and their ego takes over, creating issues for them every step of the way. I understand now that they don't even know what they are doing, they are creating labels for themselves, thanks society! so they have a reason to sit around and do nothing, but these are not the kind of people I want around me anymore, I want to get out there and get everything out vocally and through community thought and development, not from facebook and other mediums. I have always had an issue with facebook, mostly because so many people use it as a forum to discuss their whole private life (with 445 friends) and wonder why they have all of these opinions flooding at them. Last night I witnessed this. It's a catch 22, the person who was doing the opinion should cut the egotistic and condescending shit, but then the person who was taking it so hard should look at things more lightly, HOWEVER, people have this forum where they CAN say what they want with no repercussions....this is not a good thing, and this past month, September has been valuable for me to move on and understand I want more than this in my life. So last night I deactivated my facebook after a realisation that I don't want to be this person who revolves my life around others's lives and there's more out there than just that. I've had a lot of people who have treated me really badly in the past, and I've let them. I'm over that cycle and it has to stop. It's time for it to stop. It's not okay anymore. It's not even around the fact I let it happen, it's about not reacting, not being angry at the people and thinking they understand what they're doing, because to be honest, they are sleepwalking. They are sleepwalking through life, sitting around on facebook sharing political views, sharing things that make them feel better about themselves, because THAT is what we have come to. No longer is communication valid, UNLESS it's on a facebook medium, THEN IT"S REAL> I want out of that mindset and away from people who think like that. I want to get away from the technology/media world that forces us to stop thinking for ourselves. Another thing I want to change is the people around me, because I am finding it hard that I want to express my spiritual experiences, but who with? The majority of people I know are closed off or afraid of any development spiritually, and would rather stay in a fearful world. Why? It's easy I guess, well fuck that! I have communication with spirits often, I connect with my higher power often, I connect with my future through visions and astral projection and I have spirits communicate with me for others and I can feel their presence, hear what they want to say, I can vision what they look like, I can hear thoughts and feel energies and KNOW what others are feeling often. This is how you read thoughts, thoughts are just energy, easily felt and interpreted, through colour, feeling, emotion, it is more descriptive than your exterior shell. I am not batshit crazy, I am real. I have allowed this into my life, because I was once fearful of dying, now I'm no longer afraid, and when death occurs, I no longer hold onto it for 12 years like I have done previously. I feel that I have to be around those who are AWAKE and who are not sleepwalking. If they are, I can't connect, energetically or friendship wise AT ALL. It is very important to keep those who are positive around you, because THEY help frame who you are as a person. If you keep negativity around, it will ALWAYS trump positivity. My aim in life is to make others realise their divine reason to be here and help them deal with issues that have plagued them as I had experienced in this lifetime and others. I need to learn confrontation on a deeper level, that is through energy, but it can only be for those who CHOOSE change and not those who CHOOSE to stay in a deep dark hole. I am feminine in this lifetime for this reason, for the reason that I am to birth to two spiritual divine children, I am to be the strength behind one of the most important forces on this earth (my partner). We have many paths in our life that we can choose to take, we either choose to live in the deep dark shadows or we can choose the light and take chances, make choices, love our life and live with intuition, it is all up to us in the end. Others can try to keep you back, keep you thinking that this is all you can have, but think for yourself, be yourself, love yourself, help yourself. Now what do you choose? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnrvBHDZjzE&feature=relmfu