You are NEVER alone.

I remember standing drunk in a freezing cold shower, to try and make my body feel something, instead of being so numb like it had been lately, I was fuelled with thoughts of suicide. I hated myself and why should I bother to keep sustaining life when I was such a failure and would never amount to anything. This is something I have constantly felt throughout my life. I couldn't remember ever feeling good enough to actually do anything meaningful with my life. When these kind of thoughts are flooding your mind, it is hard to see any clarity and meaning in life. There was a constant emotional rollercoaster and I never knew how I would feel when I woke up in the morning. Whether I’d roll over and go back to sleep and not want to wake up until well into the afternoon, to hide from life and it’s consequences, or whether I’d jump out of bed full of happiness and positive outlook for the day ahead. Who knew. But I eventually spoke out about it, because this was no way to live, in constant fear of everything around me, inside and out. I got off any medication I ever thought would fix the issue because they just made me more unbalanced and I started talking, I started dealing with the issues that existed and I started to be honest with myself and everyone around me. It has been a long process, but a personal journey I am now more than proud of. I am (a) change that is in this world. Point is, you aren't alone, there are so many people fighting these internal battles, but you can get help before it gets to the point you don't want to exist. It is serious for me, as in a week I will be grieving yet again the loss of a close friend. Lifes too short for this kind of sadness. You are sad because you are fearful, the fears only exist because you allow them to take over. Everyone has the ability to defy these internal demons.