I wanted to wrote a blog on pregnancy anxieties and fears and worries that may come up and how to curb them.
As it seemed evidently clear yesterday with the midwife, that some people really do experience some adverse effects to the hormones during pregnancy. I am one of the lucky ones who gets to experience the hormones on a happy note. Of course I get down at times and anxious at the thought of actually having to be complete care for a little one but am mostly excited for it!
I think my best tips for anxiety or stress during pregnancy;
Theres no point letting yourself get to the point where you can't breathe and have panic attacks, it's not healthy for you or the baby. My mum said it perfectly to me one day 'Think of how it feels for you, a times that by 10'. She's right.
So now everytime I get upset, nervous, anxious I try to deal with it straight away so that Im not stressing the baby out too.
Breathing is a great way to calm yourself down, become aware of your breathing pattern, how fast you are breathing. Literally stop and sit and take deep breaths.
Drink some water, sometimes I become shaky when I have too much sugar.
Understand that your thoughts are COMPLETELY NORMAL, most other pregnant women do have the same thoughts at some point. One thing that has helped me, is I joined a forum on the internet for mums to be. It can be sad, happy, frustrating as you are dealing with other people opinions you may not agree with but every now and then its great to get support and give it, and of course realise that everyone feels the same way. When I was having problems with my sleeping pattern, increased appetite and fatigue everyone around the same weeks pregnant as me was feeling the same. It can be informative as well.
One thing that has helped me surpass my panic attacks and anxiety a fair bit (about 99%) I only get anxiety now in very small splurts, is meditation. Now I don't mean meditation in the sense of how we see it in movies, on tv, or how others think you should meditate. I do believe that everyone has their own way of meditation. Yes some people do prefer to sit on a giant pillow with their legs crossed, personally I can't do that. To me meditation is a bit of a ritual, so when Im ready to go to sleep at night, I have a ritual/routine that helps me relax.
The first thing I do is make sure the room is clean of clutter. Nothing worse than a floordrobe. I have a couple pictures I've pastel coloured on the floor and some odd junk, but as long as the room is appeasing to my energy Im happy, mostly I like to put clothes away and tidy it up to my happiness.
I like to make sure my quilt is on the bed properly and looks appeasing once again to my energy.
I have a Himilayan salt lamp that I turn on as it helps dispel negative energies, I wish I could leave it on 24/7!
I then get my incense holder and light some incense or some sage, either is good to settle any nerves, anxiety, fears or worries, it completely cleanses my meditative 'palette' and helps me get ready to relax.
I have a favourite music that helps me calm down and relax, Deva Premal, I have a couple of her albums on my ipad are 'The essence' and 'Embrace' and I put one of them on, it's is beautiful and enchanting music.
I prefer to meditate before I go to bed because more often than not my best time to astrally project or connect spiritually with myself/other beings or even just relaxing and calming myself, more often than now I fall asleep, so it's the best time for me.
If you have a really good sized bath, it's also good to meditate in the bath. Put some soothing tunes on, I always get 4 tealights and light them and put one on each corner of the bath, light some incense and relax. This is also an amazing way to relax, especially while pregnant!
However my partner is more into the magick side of things and he meditates completely differently. He also uses incense and a nice energetic room, but he does it anytime of the day, so it really is about finding what's GOOD FOR YOU!
My partner at first was trying to do things that had helped me but it really showed he had to find his own personal touch for meditation. Eating a good diet and drinking plenty of water is great for meditation too. It is good to keep yourself at a high vibration with lots of fruit and veges instead of majority of your diet being processed foods as that won't help your energy be calm and relaxed.
As a pregnant woman, keeping to these methods has really helped when I have pains like ligament pains or small cramps or just feeling overall shit which happens a fair bit!
Just some ideas on how to stay relaxed and present and still, instead of worrying about every little thing that has happened or might happen.
I understand I am extremely lucky having stayed low risk at the moment, but these are just some handy hints that may help at times when it all seems so bleak xx
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
20 weeks halfway!
Melbourne
Talking to my fiance on the way home from our dinner and movie and we have both become so chilled and content and settled. We came from a hometown that was just energetically draining, so many draining people around us, we still see these people draining others and being hateful of others and themselves. We are so glad we took this change, yes moving interstate is difficult, i wont have my parents as much (but i do like that too) and it has made his parents much more loving, emotional and caring. His mum sent me a giant email tonight and it was the sweetest thing ever. Shes not usually like that, this baby is going to change all of our lives and make us all a bit more content. My parents are the absolute best, i cant believe how amazing they are and how supportive they are.
We love them but we prefer being here and we feel more settled here and I still talk to my best friend every day and thats why the internet exists!!!
In the end, our choice was the best choice, we have our own space and we love it. Just us and no bullshit anymore. No draining people around us, no lies, no secrets, its just us and a few people we have met through work or music. Its honestly what we needed. And bringing up a child here? Cant wait!!!!
how we began...
I love looking back on how we began. Was reflecting with my fiancé
about the last 4 years as it feels like so much longer, we have
conquered so much in that time.
Before we met we were living individual messy lives. I had lived in perth for 3 years, studying my dip of event management and working at david jones and he had been a graphic designer for 6 years having some of the best drugs in Adelaide.
I came home to Adelaide for a couple reasons. 1 was I had finished my diploma the other was my best friend and housemate got pregnant and they had to move into her mums to save money. I moved back to my parents, started withdrawing off alcohol as by then I had a massive breakdown in Perth and had stopped drinking in the November, moving back to Adelaide in the December.
I honestly spent those months just staying inside, seeing the gp, seeing my psych, trying to dream up goals. Adelaide was the worst city to be in if I was going to try get an event management position so I decided Id study at uni. I had thought since I had been through so much with depression , alcoholism and anxiety that Id like to help others, so I chose the Social work degree.
I had not been out in Adelaide to a pub or club since I arrived, so when my best friend invited me out with his girlfriend at the time, I thought why not?
So this was feb, and I ended up having a couple drinks as my anxiety was going through the roof.I went to this cool new club called Rvm. I hung out for a bit there, being my loud self and that night I met a few people, one being Kane. Now I was not instantly attracted to him at all. He had long hair and this disgusting goatee thing sticking out of his chin. The only thing that interested me was he had a frenzal rhomb t shirt on and they were one of my all time favourite band and tbh most people who love fr are in fact awesome people!
I did have a liking for him though as I did chat to him throughout the night, from which he remembers me yelling that I hate anime, which is something I still say haha anyway I caught the bus home.
Now this is before facebook was something people were on, its time when msn was still awesome and used alot, its before twitter or tumblr even! My best friends gf said to me he wanted to chat to me could she give him my email, I was like yeah thats cool.
So after chatting to him for a while, like on and off all the time, we would chat during the day, at night, we were obsessed, thought each other was funny, Im pretty sure i sent him like every single photo that existed of me… Man i was insecure! And I actually found out eventually that he lived in the next suburb over with his parents. He asked me to go over, I was really unsure because I had been with alot of assholes who just wanted sex and was really nervous. I remember I had orange hair because I was bleaching it. Im totally gonna put a photo up of it, it was so bad.
Well i caught my bus to his place as it was only one bus, so convenient !! He had told me he was interested in event management so I took my books….hah. Lies! He wanted to get laid! Cheeky shit!
He met me halfway down the street as I had no idea where I was going and gave me a big hug when he saw me, at the time it creeped me out, now it doesn’t surprise me, he’s so friendly like that!
Kane lived in the attic of his parents house. So i went up to the attic, honestly thinking fuck this guys going to chop me up!! He had the worst long hair and that gross goatee thing but for some reason I liked him. It was so weird because tbh I was not at that time necessarily attracted to him. But i could tell he had a kind heart.
After chatting for a while he went in for a kiss suddenly and we bumped teeth! It was hilarious, but i reciprocated and then INVITED HIM FOR DINNER. Whattt? I didn’t know what i was doing hahahaha i seriously never did that, with guys in the past i usually hid them since i was back at my parents, how awkward!! But he came! Now i know Kane it doesn’t surprise me, wherever food is, Kane is. Lol
So he came over for dinner and awkwardly we watched movies on my laptop in my room. He took his pants off….and i was thinking wtf dude when are u going home?? Dad even knocked on my door and said “hes not staying here” and mum told him to shuttup. Id been living in perth for 3 years and i was 24 hahaha. Oh dad!
But after that night I had no idea how to even communicate with him about what was going on. i remember once on msn asking him whats going on with us? And him saying….i dont want to fuck you around. And i remember saying back….mate im so fucked in the head, we may as well see how it goes and we just never stopped….it was hard at first because he was really bad at communicating….i remember it being super confusing and frustrating. But we started technically going out eventually.
He stayed over that night, tried everything he could to have sex but i told him no. I was not going to be another notch on his belt (not actually knowing he was totally not like that)
But it never ended. We kept seeing each other, mostly me going over his house, his house was closer to the city so id often stay over there before work or uni. We started to meet in the city at his work and just spent more time together. I hated going to his house, the stairs to the attic where he and his brother slept were really unsafe and I didn’t like his dad much.
Kane moved out pretty soon after. He didn’t have work at the time but he decided it was time. Thank goodness because the day he moved out i fell on those fucking stairs!
We didn’t live together for another year or so when we decided we were ready. Kane had a lot of problems trying to find work, because the company he worked for went bust. We were running a club night, (the one we met at we ended up running) volunteer so that was good. I was still doing uni but after I fell down the stairs it started becoming difficult, that really fucked my Pelvis and back up. It actually moved my pelvis a little in the xrays :/ but there was nothing they could do. 3 years on and its much better after acupuncture i just cant sit for too long or it starts to twitch and hurt.
So we moved in together with my brother as well. We had a couple housemates in that place. We had our first cats, charlie and azami. That house i studied, Kane did some work, cleaning and graphic work, and we fought a lot. Mostly because he couldn’t show emotions and i couldn’t communicate. But we always sorted shit out. One of our friends killed herself around that time, in october 2010 that was horrible. that was the hardest time. It really made us realise how depressed we actually were and that we didn’t want to stay that way. We both started seeing a counsellor.
After that lease was up we moved house. Charlie got hit by a car and Azami ran away so sad. They were such amazing cats! We experienced life differently in this house. We had a 4 bedroom place to play with, good for storage! We were starting to run more shows in Adelaide. It was fun. We drank a lot though and that wasn’t good in the end.
We started experiencing spiritual happenings after beth died. Kane had visions of her in the house while he was asleep. I had experiences that were just weird . Now im used to them but then i was very freaked out!
June 2011 i had got to the point where i had a massive self crisis and shaved my head. But i also started seeing an energy healer. I started seeing lyn and she changed my life. Not only did she help my energy but she helped me talk out a lot of issues i had, like my weight and childhood issues that still bugged me after 12 years, like my grandpas death. Kane also started seeing her and realised how spiritual he actually is, and how special he is energetically. Lyn changed our life. I started exercising and lost 15 kgs it was so powerful, for me and others around me. We also were asked to look after a cat, boogers, who was pregnant. We looked after the kittens when they were born, giving 2 away and keeping 2. They were very maine coon lookalikes with amazing personalities. Milkychin and tiggy were beautiful. (Were because they passed away :( )
Around christmas Kane and i were talking about what to keep doing with our life. I had studied and worked full time at the end of the semester and he still could not find work and was constantly becoming depressed by it. I was supporting us and he hated it, I didn’t mind, he had supported me at times too. I told him if he decides to move to Melbourne, which was his idea, then he has to put a eing on it. So he did. We became engaged and had an engagement party in April :)
In feb 2012 Kane’s ex gf died, in the same friendship as our friend beth who killed herself in october 2010. It was an even bigger reminder to start living our lives.
By the time march came we had decided he would try get work in Melbourne, even if i had to stay in Adelaide to finish my uni year. So we did that. Kane moved to Melbourne in the April and started work on Moonshadow. I found a new house, new housemate and found myself lost. Wow I’ve never been so fucked up without him around. Because I was working, I was drinking a lot. I was studying still but went out heaps because being alone was WEIRD!!
I felt like I couldn’t be alive without him. You know you’ve got a life partner when that happens. I went over there and stayed in hotels (the fun part) he came to Adelaide and hated being back. My grandma died in July and he came back for one day to be at her funeral, even took a day off work which they aren’t meant to do. But there was always something beautiful about Kane and my grandmas relationship, even though she had terrible dementia, she always remembered him. It was amazing.
I went through housemates, because one had a huge party and let people use my bedding (wtf) and the others were just horrible, dirty, lazy so I chose to finish my lease in November and moved to Melbourne in December. I missed just living with him. He had housemate issues too, his first house lasting 2 months because they were insane and yelling at him and playing music late at night when he worked 6 days a week. The second housemate of his wasn’t too bad but i found him really weird. I missed just us two living together :(
But the best thing out of it all was, the moment when we chose we wanted to be parents. I remember being really sad about my grandma when he was over for the funeral and we had sex and he said he felt then that he was meant to try to conceive. Very intense moment. We have no idea why. One thing Kane never wanted was to be married or have kids, funny that. Until he met me of course. We were together for one night before he flew back and the experience of being away from each other was incredible. But it wasn’t until august when we were laying on his bed one night and we were talking about it, we actually had a fight about it because he kept saying he wouldn’t be a good dad, and i was getting really pissed off because I KNOW he would be a perfect dad! He is silly, fun. Immature but mature, he is kind and thoughtful and has a beautiful soul with a little bit of weird musician and amazing artist tucked in there. He is such a creative person, he’d be the best dad. Anyway we had a bit of a tiff and that ended up with us having sex haha but the thing was he actually tried, he came in me. I didn’t even expect him to do that, he said he actually felt like he was meant to do it in july when he s in Adelaide and felt like he missed the chance. I was like holy fuck that just happened, so from then on we tried. So we weren’t even living in the same state, but we knew id be moving over in December. It just felt right. Afterwards too (creepy as it sounds) as we were falling asleep i felt my grandma around, like i never ever felt her around, but it was like it was all meant to be.
So i got a bit of a period in september, and was like damn! And then i ended up going over to Melbourne completely off the cuff because I drove over with my friends. So i stayed there for another week, totally unplanned. But we tried again and that seems to have worked. Obviously since I am now 19 weeks pregnant!
Wow what an amazing time it has been. Ive had to pack up a house, break a lease, move into my parents, stay there a month whilst feeling like death! Find a house in Melbourne, pack my stuff at mums, organise a removalist and move to Melbourne, all whilst pregnant and feeling like shit! But I did it. And life is simply amazing. i could not imagine, not being pregnant, not living with Kane but am really grateful foe that 8 months apart, we needed it to rekindle how we felt. Cus i was damn crazy without him around!!!! He is much more together with me around too, we ground each others energies. From the boy I met, to the man I couldn’t live without, I cant wait to have his baby, be his wife and him be mine forever.
We both had really crap times before we met each other, we substance abused, he smoked weed from 13,experienced psychosis, was diagnosed with all these issues like ocd, schizophrenia, anxiety and in the end, he just needed someone who believed in him, talked to him when he was down and listened, gave advice. All i needed was someone to truly love me, talk to me, share my heart and soul and talk to forever. Id never met anyone who was truly interested in me and gave a shit. He is so proud of me and Im so proud of him.
We both feel down every now and then but never like we used to. Life is different now. We are able to be aware of the changes we need to make to be happy and make them.
Im 28 this year, our bub is due 19 june and my birthday is 30 june :) i love this year already. Im trying to get a transfer together atm for uni so i can study in this semester. Kane’s been working on gigs, bdo today who knows what else will come his way. We are in our own place and happy :) food things come to those who are patient.
I cant believe that in less than 2 weeks it will be our 4 year anniversary. Funny thing is, its on valentines day and I’m flying to Adelaide to see my family and go to a wedding haha doesn’t matter we will do something beforehand. We don’t really celebrate those dates anyway. But 4 years? Feels like much much much longer!! And we will forever see frenzal rhomb. Hahaha our fav band ever!
Before we met we were living individual messy lives. I had lived in perth for 3 years, studying my dip of event management and working at david jones and he had been a graphic designer for 6 years having some of the best drugs in Adelaide.
I came home to Adelaide for a couple reasons. 1 was I had finished my diploma the other was my best friend and housemate got pregnant and they had to move into her mums to save money. I moved back to my parents, started withdrawing off alcohol as by then I had a massive breakdown in Perth and had stopped drinking in the November, moving back to Adelaide in the December.
I honestly spent those months just staying inside, seeing the gp, seeing my psych, trying to dream up goals. Adelaide was the worst city to be in if I was going to try get an event management position so I decided Id study at uni. I had thought since I had been through so much with depression , alcoholism and anxiety that Id like to help others, so I chose the Social work degree.
I had not been out in Adelaide to a pub or club since I arrived, so when my best friend invited me out with his girlfriend at the time, I thought why not?
So this was feb, and I ended up having a couple drinks as my anxiety was going through the roof.I went to this cool new club called Rvm. I hung out for a bit there, being my loud self and that night I met a few people, one being Kane. Now I was not instantly attracted to him at all. He had long hair and this disgusting goatee thing sticking out of his chin. The only thing that interested me was he had a frenzal rhomb t shirt on and they were one of my all time favourite band and tbh most people who love fr are in fact awesome people!
I did have a liking for him though as I did chat to him throughout the night, from which he remembers me yelling that I hate anime, which is something I still say haha anyway I caught the bus home.
Now this is before facebook was something people were on, its time when msn was still awesome and used alot, its before twitter or tumblr even! My best friends gf said to me he wanted to chat to me could she give him my email, I was like yeah thats cool.
So after chatting to him for a while, like on and off all the time, we would chat during the day, at night, we were obsessed, thought each other was funny, Im pretty sure i sent him like every single photo that existed of me… Man i was insecure! And I actually found out eventually that he lived in the next suburb over with his parents. He asked me to go over, I was really unsure because I had been with alot of assholes who just wanted sex and was really nervous. I remember I had orange hair because I was bleaching it. Im totally gonna put a photo up of it, it was so bad.
Well i caught my bus to his place as it was only one bus, so convenient !! He had told me he was interested in event management so I took my books….hah. Lies! He wanted to get laid! Cheeky shit!
He met me halfway down the street as I had no idea where I was going and gave me a big hug when he saw me, at the time it creeped me out, now it doesn’t surprise me, he’s so friendly like that!
Kane lived in the attic of his parents house. So i went up to the attic, honestly thinking fuck this guys going to chop me up!! He had the worst long hair and that gross goatee thing but for some reason I liked him. It was so weird because tbh I was not at that time necessarily attracted to him. But i could tell he had a kind heart.
After chatting for a while he went in for a kiss suddenly and we bumped teeth! It was hilarious, but i reciprocated and then INVITED HIM FOR DINNER. Whattt? I didn’t know what i was doing hahahaha i seriously never did that, with guys in the past i usually hid them since i was back at my parents, how awkward!! But he came! Now i know Kane it doesn’t surprise me, wherever food is, Kane is. Lol
So he came over for dinner and awkwardly we watched movies on my laptop in my room. He took his pants off….and i was thinking wtf dude when are u going home?? Dad even knocked on my door and said “hes not staying here” and mum told him to shuttup. Id been living in perth for 3 years and i was 24 hahaha. Oh dad!
But after that night I had no idea how to even communicate with him about what was going on. i remember once on msn asking him whats going on with us? And him saying….i dont want to fuck you around. And i remember saying back….mate im so fucked in the head, we may as well see how it goes and we just never stopped….it was hard at first because he was really bad at communicating….i remember it being super confusing and frustrating. But we started technically going out eventually.
He stayed over that night, tried everything he could to have sex but i told him no. I was not going to be another notch on his belt (not actually knowing he was totally not like that)
But it never ended. We kept seeing each other, mostly me going over his house, his house was closer to the city so id often stay over there before work or uni. We started to meet in the city at his work and just spent more time together. I hated going to his house, the stairs to the attic where he and his brother slept were really unsafe and I didn’t like his dad much.
Kane moved out pretty soon after. He didn’t have work at the time but he decided it was time. Thank goodness because the day he moved out i fell on those fucking stairs!
We didn’t live together for another year or so when we decided we were ready. Kane had a lot of problems trying to find work, because the company he worked for went bust. We were running a club night, (the one we met at we ended up running) volunteer so that was good. I was still doing uni but after I fell down the stairs it started becoming difficult, that really fucked my Pelvis and back up. It actually moved my pelvis a little in the xrays :/ but there was nothing they could do. 3 years on and its much better after acupuncture i just cant sit for too long or it starts to twitch and hurt.
So we moved in together with my brother as well. We had a couple housemates in that place. We had our first cats, charlie and azami. That house i studied, Kane did some work, cleaning and graphic work, and we fought a lot. Mostly because he couldn’t show emotions and i couldn’t communicate. But we always sorted shit out. One of our friends killed herself around that time, in october 2010 that was horrible. that was the hardest time. It really made us realise how depressed we actually were and that we didn’t want to stay that way. We both started seeing a counsellor.
After that lease was up we moved house. Charlie got hit by a car and Azami ran away so sad. They were such amazing cats! We experienced life differently in this house. We had a 4 bedroom place to play with, good for storage! We were starting to run more shows in Adelaide. It was fun. We drank a lot though and that wasn’t good in the end.
We started experiencing spiritual happenings after beth died. Kane had visions of her in the house while he was asleep. I had experiences that were just weird . Now im used to them but then i was very freaked out!
June 2011 i had got to the point where i had a massive self crisis and shaved my head. But i also started seeing an energy healer. I started seeing lyn and she changed my life. Not only did she help my energy but she helped me talk out a lot of issues i had, like my weight and childhood issues that still bugged me after 12 years, like my grandpas death. Kane also started seeing her and realised how spiritual he actually is, and how special he is energetically. Lyn changed our life. I started exercising and lost 15 kgs it was so powerful, for me and others around me. We also were asked to look after a cat, boogers, who was pregnant. We looked after the kittens when they were born, giving 2 away and keeping 2. They were very maine coon lookalikes with amazing personalities. Milkychin and tiggy were beautiful. (Were because they passed away :( )
Around christmas Kane and i were talking about what to keep doing with our life. I had studied and worked full time at the end of the semester and he still could not find work and was constantly becoming depressed by it. I was supporting us and he hated it, I didn’t mind, he had supported me at times too. I told him if he decides to move to Melbourne, which was his idea, then he has to put a eing on it. So he did. We became engaged and had an engagement party in April :)
In feb 2012 Kane’s ex gf died, in the same friendship as our friend beth who killed herself in october 2010. It was an even bigger reminder to start living our lives.
By the time march came we had decided he would try get work in Melbourne, even if i had to stay in Adelaide to finish my uni year. So we did that. Kane moved to Melbourne in the April and started work on Moonshadow. I found a new house, new housemate and found myself lost. Wow I’ve never been so fucked up without him around. Because I was working, I was drinking a lot. I was studying still but went out heaps because being alone was WEIRD!!
I felt like I couldn’t be alive without him. You know you’ve got a life partner when that happens. I went over there and stayed in hotels (the fun part) he came to Adelaide and hated being back. My grandma died in July and he came back for one day to be at her funeral, even took a day off work which they aren’t meant to do. But there was always something beautiful about Kane and my grandmas relationship, even though she had terrible dementia, she always remembered him. It was amazing.
I went through housemates, because one had a huge party and let people use my bedding (wtf) and the others were just horrible, dirty, lazy so I chose to finish my lease in November and moved to Melbourne in December. I missed just living with him. He had housemate issues too, his first house lasting 2 months because they were insane and yelling at him and playing music late at night when he worked 6 days a week. The second housemate of his wasn’t too bad but i found him really weird. I missed just us two living together :(
But the best thing out of it all was, the moment when we chose we wanted to be parents. I remember being really sad about my grandma when he was over for the funeral and we had sex and he said he felt then that he was meant to try to conceive. Very intense moment. We have no idea why. One thing Kane never wanted was to be married or have kids, funny that. Until he met me of course. We were together for one night before he flew back and the experience of being away from each other was incredible. But it wasn’t until august when we were laying on his bed one night and we were talking about it, we actually had a fight about it because he kept saying he wouldn’t be a good dad, and i was getting really pissed off because I KNOW he would be a perfect dad! He is silly, fun. Immature but mature, he is kind and thoughtful and has a beautiful soul with a little bit of weird musician and amazing artist tucked in there. He is such a creative person, he’d be the best dad. Anyway we had a bit of a tiff and that ended up with us having sex haha but the thing was he actually tried, he came in me. I didn’t even expect him to do that, he said he actually felt like he was meant to do it in july when he s in Adelaide and felt like he missed the chance. I was like holy fuck that just happened, so from then on we tried. So we weren’t even living in the same state, but we knew id be moving over in December. It just felt right. Afterwards too (creepy as it sounds) as we were falling asleep i felt my grandma around, like i never ever felt her around, but it was like it was all meant to be.
So i got a bit of a period in september, and was like damn! And then i ended up going over to Melbourne completely off the cuff because I drove over with my friends. So i stayed there for another week, totally unplanned. But we tried again and that seems to have worked. Obviously since I am now 19 weeks pregnant!
Wow what an amazing time it has been. Ive had to pack up a house, break a lease, move into my parents, stay there a month whilst feeling like death! Find a house in Melbourne, pack my stuff at mums, organise a removalist and move to Melbourne, all whilst pregnant and feeling like shit! But I did it. And life is simply amazing. i could not imagine, not being pregnant, not living with Kane but am really grateful foe that 8 months apart, we needed it to rekindle how we felt. Cus i was damn crazy without him around!!!! He is much more together with me around too, we ground each others energies. From the boy I met, to the man I couldn’t live without, I cant wait to have his baby, be his wife and him be mine forever.
We both had really crap times before we met each other, we substance abused, he smoked weed from 13,experienced psychosis, was diagnosed with all these issues like ocd, schizophrenia, anxiety and in the end, he just needed someone who believed in him, talked to him when he was down and listened, gave advice. All i needed was someone to truly love me, talk to me, share my heart and soul and talk to forever. Id never met anyone who was truly interested in me and gave a shit. He is so proud of me and Im so proud of him.
We both feel down every now and then but never like we used to. Life is different now. We are able to be aware of the changes we need to make to be happy and make them.
Im 28 this year, our bub is due 19 june and my birthday is 30 june :) i love this year already. Im trying to get a transfer together atm for uni so i can study in this semester. Kane’s been working on gigs, bdo today who knows what else will come his way. We are in our own place and happy :) food things come to those who are patient.
I cant believe that in less than 2 weeks it will be our 4 year anniversary. Funny thing is, its on valentines day and I’m flying to Adelaide to see my family and go to a wedding haha doesn’t matter we will do something beforehand. We don’t really celebrate those dates anyway. But 4 years? Feels like much much much longer!! And we will forever see frenzal rhomb. Hahaha our fav band ever!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Waking up- 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Waking up..
I woke up 3 days ago, feeling much lighter.
I had listened to Mark Stephens phobia and anxiety free cds.
Okay I admit, I did not do this by myself, I needed help, YEP I can admit that.
Sometimes we all just need a little bit of help and we can't do it all by ourselves, something I think a lot of people need to realise. However, I know from suffering from serious depression, we develop a narcissistic attitude and don't let anyone else in.
I had to let someone in. It was time to stop feeling lost and start understanding why I felt this way.
I've had 2 friends kill themselves in 2 months and this is something I want to try to help prevent in the future.
For me, my friends and even people I don't like, people I don't know, anyone. I don't want anyone to feel like they are worthless and have nothing to live for, we all do.
If it's being creative, or making music, playing video games, cooking, writing, whatever we are good at, we are good at for a reason. You were born to create what you need to create and this makes every single life beautiful.
I've held a lot of deep seated issues inside for a very long time, some it seems I don't even physically remember, however these affected me.
My brother had a brain tumour at the age of 3 and I wasn't even 1 yet. This affected me without knowing, but everytime I talked about it, I cried and felt like my heart was sinking. My brother has had no effect, except having to learn to write with his opposite hand and of course the rehab he went through, but i guess from being 9 months old and not being around your mother is going to effect a tiny child.
My parents fought for 15 years, in the end it got so negative that my brother and I moved to another state. Their life is different now, they are happy and live a different life, but back then it affected me more than I ever knew.
The relationships I had with girls throughout my life. People I thought I was friends with, ditching me for a joke.
The relationships I had with boys, sexual or non -sesual, they have all impacted me in different ways. Some negative, like the 10 year friend who committed fraud on me, I've had to forgive her. I've had to forgive the friend who stole from me, the friend who stole my boyfriend, the friend who treated me like I was less, making me feel less and less for a long long time. I forgive them. They did not mean to make me feel that way, they were hitting their own rock bottom and were taking me down with them.
I feel sorry for my parents and brothers who had to put up with such a disgusting attitude from me for so long. I was a terrible person, I can admit it. I stole, I lied, I spent their money, drank their alcohol, I was never honest and secretly they knew but they kept the facade up because I was not ready to change.
I am glad to have found the most beautiful man I'll ever meet. Who I can talk to about my deepest, darkest secrets, fears and sadness to. He listens and doesn't judge because he has been through the same. I have found my soulmate, in relationship form and this is very rare.
I had to realise that I was the only one bringing ME down. I could blame the rest of the world, but it was only my fault. I was the one who fucked up uni, I was the one who can't get a job because I am too stubborn to help myself. I'm the one who fucked around with my medication, making me feel more depressed. I was the one who couldn't say no and have willpower when I bought chocolate instead of fruit. I WAS the one who has put on 5 kilos.
NOONE ELSE.
It was noone elses fault I wasn't exercising.
It was noone elses fault I was smoking.
It was noone elses fault I couldn't handle money.
It was MY fault.
I was to blame for it all.
Once I accepted this blame, the rightful blame, I was able to move on.
I also had to accept things I am NOT to blame for.
My friend's deaths.
The sadness of people around me.
The uncommunicative abilities of others.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
This week our baby is the size of a sweet potato!
So I have to say the funniest thing ever is the comparison of baby size to vegetables.
Last week our baby was the size of an avodado and this week it's the size of a sweet potato!
The image inside my mind is fantastic!!!
We are getting increasingly excited though. I feel more flutters everyday and am excited to start feeling it full time! We haven't been able to buy much for the baby because Kane is still trying to find work but that will come.
My belly is getting bigger and that's fun too. Some of my pants don't fit me anymore, so Im into elasticated pants.
Our stuff finally arrived from Adelaide so we now have a comfy couch, all our bits and pieces, tv, computer etc which is nice too, everything was getting really boring. Having all our kitchen appliances and utensils etc makes me happy too!
We are onto drinking fresh juices from our juicer every day now, which are awesome! I am so glad my parents bought us a juicer for christmas! It's perfect!
What else?
We have just been through another intense energy shift, one of a kind this one. It really made changes happen, because if they didn't and awareness wasn't provoked, everything would just destruct even worse than ever!
There are still little stresses but everyday I try to keep them to one side and not spend time manifesting them, otherwise I only forsee them getting worse.
Life is otherwise great, happy, funtimes.
Kane just wants to find some work as being home all the time is getting a little boring for him, even if it is causing him to be more productive and creative with his music, which is something I will forever push him to do. This is what makes him happy and accomplished and that is so incredibly important in life.
Last night he stayed up most of the night and produced a video with music and it was really good. So I am happy he has gone for jobs, plus is now being creative in the meantime :) THIS is a good balance I've been waiting to see from him.
I am looking forward for this shift to downtime itself as my bones have been quite sore, but I, myself have been working on my 'fears and anxieties' so that they don't become all i think about.
Otherwise I am in good spirits :)
A website to keep an eye on is shiftfrequency.com
Love and Light
Rachel
here is a pic of me at 17 weeks :)
Last week our baby was the size of an avodado and this week it's the size of a sweet potato!
The image inside my mind is fantastic!!!
We are getting increasingly excited though. I feel more flutters everyday and am excited to start feeling it full time! We haven't been able to buy much for the baby because Kane is still trying to find work but that will come.
My belly is getting bigger and that's fun too. Some of my pants don't fit me anymore, so Im into elasticated pants.
Our stuff finally arrived from Adelaide so we now have a comfy couch, all our bits and pieces, tv, computer etc which is nice too, everything was getting really boring. Having all our kitchen appliances and utensils etc makes me happy too!
We are onto drinking fresh juices from our juicer every day now, which are awesome! I am so glad my parents bought us a juicer for christmas! It's perfect!
What else?
We have just been through another intense energy shift, one of a kind this one. It really made changes happen, because if they didn't and awareness wasn't provoked, everything would just destruct even worse than ever!
There are still little stresses but everyday I try to keep them to one side and not spend time manifesting them, otherwise I only forsee them getting worse.
Life is otherwise great, happy, funtimes.
Kane just wants to find some work as being home all the time is getting a little boring for him, even if it is causing him to be more productive and creative with his music, which is something I will forever push him to do. This is what makes him happy and accomplished and that is so incredibly important in life.
Last night he stayed up most of the night and produced a video with music and it was really good. So I am happy he has gone for jobs, plus is now being creative in the meantime :) THIS is a good balance I've been waiting to see from him.
I am looking forward for this shift to downtime itself as my bones have been quite sore, but I, myself have been working on my 'fears and anxieties' so that they don't become all i think about.
Otherwise I am in good spirits :)
A website to keep an eye on is shiftfrequency.com
Love and Light
Rachel
here is a pic of me at 17 weeks :)
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
End of 2012/Start of a new beginning 2013
I haven't written in here for a while because I've been really busy with a bit schmozzle of moving to Melbourne from Adelaide!
So I officially made the move in December 2012 as planned, however whilst pregnant. I don't think I realised how stressed moving would make me, granted my housemates at the time did not hold their end of the bargain of them moving in, that they'd apply for the house and take over the lease. Unfortunately they did not get the application in between July-November and I had to break the lease, which I am still paying for, by myself. So this stress is going away slowly with faith they will find a tenant soon!
I have moved into a unit with my fiance and we are settling in nicely. Paying rent at 2 properties is getting a bit much so am putting as much positivity out into the world to hopefully have that closure soon.
I am glad my 'Adelaide' chapter is over with. Whilst living there, I had many trials and tribulations which I could have done without, however have learnt many lessons from. Living once again with Kane is nice. I've missed the happiness we both have when we just live us two. We are now at the 16 week pregnancy stint and it's getting a little more exciting each week. I'm at the point now where I no longer suffer from morning sickness which is nice, that was sucky!
Having to move/clean one house and then packing all my stuff to move to Melbourne plus dealing with all the other lease crap and finding a place in Melbourne whilst Kane worked fulltime was enough stress for a decade! But on the homestretch now, we are moving into January 2013 with much more significance for our own lives and confidence that we didn't have before. Kane has just finished his work for the season for the show South Pacific and is now looking for more work, hoping he will find some soon as his funds are slowly drying up and centrelink offers nothing but bleakness, even if it is a stepping stone, we need a little more funds to pay for our existing leases! November/December 2012 was an interesting month, I found myself reflecting back in behavioural patterns and what made me happy and what didn't so I could forsee not doing the same things that made me unhappy again, or as much.
Being surrounded by people who were negative and could not find the energy to do much but boss others around is something I want out of my life. I am far too relaxed, and the kind of person who just 'gets on with the job' without feeling the need to interfere in others lives, mostly due to the fact people need to change on their own merit, you can give advice but not force one to change. I lived with people who said they did one thing, yet did the complete opposite. I got so sick of being told I wasn't doing anything right, in every facet, by people who honestly sat on their ass for most of their time at home, while I was out studying and trying to get work. The energy of their beings made me hate living with them, they did not have positiveness surrounding them and my friends saw this as well and did not want to visit me due to these people making them feel uncomfortable. Constantly trying to force a way of life onto someone is just like forcing religion, it's completely unnecessary and just makes people feel uncomfortable, ESPECIALLY when they are hypocritical!!! Also they were dirty, so dirty. I am so happy to be in a clean environment where we do the dishes and don't just want to eat, make mess and sit on the couch all day.
December brought a crazy influx of energies for me INCLUDING morning sickness, so I had it double. Anytime I wasn't needed somewhere I spent it in bed sleeping as I felt quite ill most of the time. I had a few assignments to finish off for uni as well. The WANT to be in Melbourne was hard. I wanted to be there so bad and just have our own place, but it came in time and now we have a great little unit in West Footscray. The energy here is great too, much more appealing than anywhere I've lived in Adelaide. Perth had a similar energy for me when I lived there. I knew from 12 December the energy was going to be odd and it was.
The energy was draining so bad, it was also giving aches and pains like never before! My mum mentioned it many times how drained she was from the changes. 21st December there was a massive shift and I know a few people who felt much better, the harshness lifted and they felt light again. Christmas day brought a change that was once again draining. I could hardly get out of bed, and not because of the pregnancy, but just purely the draining energy! I knew the energy would get better once we got to NYE and it did. The full moon on Dec 28 also helped the energy balance out. We are now into 2013 and what an exciting year this one will be!
Not only are we going to be parents for the first time, but we start our life in a new state, we start a new life with a new community, we start new connections. It's going to be exciting. I can already feel the positivity creep in anytime I think something that may not be so positive. Anytime I think 'maybe pregnancy wasn't the best idea since Kane doesn't have stable work' and then I get this bounce back of 'No way, this HAD to happen when it did, it will give him confidence and keep him on the track and path he needs to be, also teaching and learning from a child will be perfect for his growth and yours' It's great that my inner voice is now going OI STOP THE NEGATIVE SHIT! it's what I need! So far this year has been great (yeah ok it has only been 2 days) but I foresee if we keep manifesting relaxed, non fearful, non anxious thoughts we will be carefree even when things aren't the best. Life doesn't have to be as fearful as we make it. You create your path. You create your existence. You make life what you want. No one can do it for you!!! Me at 16 weeks pregnant :)
I am glad my 'Adelaide' chapter is over with. Whilst living there, I had many trials and tribulations which I could have done without, however have learnt many lessons from. Living once again with Kane is nice. I've missed the happiness we both have when we just live us two. We are now at the 16 week pregnancy stint and it's getting a little more exciting each week. I'm at the point now where I no longer suffer from morning sickness which is nice, that was sucky!
Having to move/clean one house and then packing all my stuff to move to Melbourne plus dealing with all the other lease crap and finding a place in Melbourne whilst Kane worked fulltime was enough stress for a decade! But on the homestretch now, we are moving into January 2013 with much more significance for our own lives and confidence that we didn't have before. Kane has just finished his work for the season for the show South Pacific and is now looking for more work, hoping he will find some soon as his funds are slowly drying up and centrelink offers nothing but bleakness, even if it is a stepping stone, we need a little more funds to pay for our existing leases! November/December 2012 was an interesting month, I found myself reflecting back in behavioural patterns and what made me happy and what didn't so I could forsee not doing the same things that made me unhappy again, or as much.
Being surrounded by people who were negative and could not find the energy to do much but boss others around is something I want out of my life. I am far too relaxed, and the kind of person who just 'gets on with the job' without feeling the need to interfere in others lives, mostly due to the fact people need to change on their own merit, you can give advice but not force one to change. I lived with people who said they did one thing, yet did the complete opposite. I got so sick of being told I wasn't doing anything right, in every facet, by people who honestly sat on their ass for most of their time at home, while I was out studying and trying to get work. The energy of their beings made me hate living with them, they did not have positiveness surrounding them and my friends saw this as well and did not want to visit me due to these people making them feel uncomfortable. Constantly trying to force a way of life onto someone is just like forcing religion, it's completely unnecessary and just makes people feel uncomfortable, ESPECIALLY when they are hypocritical!!! Also they were dirty, so dirty. I am so happy to be in a clean environment where we do the dishes and don't just want to eat, make mess and sit on the couch all day.
December brought a crazy influx of energies for me INCLUDING morning sickness, so I had it double. Anytime I wasn't needed somewhere I spent it in bed sleeping as I felt quite ill most of the time. I had a few assignments to finish off for uni as well. The WANT to be in Melbourne was hard. I wanted to be there so bad and just have our own place, but it came in time and now we have a great little unit in West Footscray. The energy here is great too, much more appealing than anywhere I've lived in Adelaide. Perth had a similar energy for me when I lived there. I knew from 12 December the energy was going to be odd and it was.
The energy was draining so bad, it was also giving aches and pains like never before! My mum mentioned it many times how drained she was from the changes. 21st December there was a massive shift and I know a few people who felt much better, the harshness lifted and they felt light again. Christmas day brought a change that was once again draining. I could hardly get out of bed, and not because of the pregnancy, but just purely the draining energy! I knew the energy would get better once we got to NYE and it did. The full moon on Dec 28 also helped the energy balance out. We are now into 2013 and what an exciting year this one will be!
Not only are we going to be parents for the first time, but we start our life in a new state, we start a new life with a new community, we start new connections. It's going to be exciting. I can already feel the positivity creep in anytime I think something that may not be so positive. Anytime I think 'maybe pregnancy wasn't the best idea since Kane doesn't have stable work' and then I get this bounce back of 'No way, this HAD to happen when it did, it will give him confidence and keep him on the track and path he needs to be, also teaching and learning from a child will be perfect for his growth and yours' It's great that my inner voice is now going OI STOP THE NEGATIVE SHIT! it's what I need! So far this year has been great (yeah ok it has only been 2 days) but I foresee if we keep manifesting relaxed, non fearful, non anxious thoughts we will be carefree even when things aren't the best. Life doesn't have to be as fearful as we make it. You create your path. You create your existence. You make life what you want. No one can do it for you!!! Me at 16 weeks pregnant :)
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