how we began...

I love looking back on how we began. Was reflecting with my fiancé about the last 4 years as it feels like so much longer, we have conquered so much in that time.
Before we met we were living individual messy lives. I had lived in perth for 3 years, studying my dip of event management and working at david jones and he had been a graphic designer for 6 years having some of the best drugs in Adelaide.
I came home to Adelaide for a couple reasons. 1 was I had finished my diploma the other was my best friend and housemate got pregnant and they had to move into her mums to save money. I moved back to my parents, started withdrawing off alcohol as by then I had a massive breakdown in Perth and had stopped drinking in the November, moving back to Adelaide in the December.
I honestly spent those months just staying inside, seeing the gp, seeing my psych, trying to dream up goals. Adelaide was the worst city to be in if I was going to try get an event management position so I decided Id study at uni. I had thought since I had been through so much with depression , alcoholism and anxiety that Id like to help others, so I chose the Social work degree.
I had not been out in Adelaide to a pub or club since I arrived, so when my best friend invited me out with his girlfriend at the time, I thought why not?
So this was feb, and I ended up having a couple drinks as my anxiety was going through the roof.I went to this cool new club called Rvm. I hung out for a bit there, being my loud self and that night I met a few people, one being Kane. Now I was not instantly attracted to him at all. He had long hair and this disgusting goatee thing sticking out of his chin. The only thing that interested me was he had a frenzal rhomb t shirt on and they were one of my all time favourite band and tbh most people who love fr are in fact awesome people!
I did have a liking for him though as I did chat to him throughout the night, from which he remembers me yelling that I hate anime, which is something I still say haha anyway I caught the bus home.
Now this is before facebook was something people were on, its time when msn was still awesome and used alot, its before twitter or tumblr even! My best friends gf said to me he wanted to chat to me could she give him my email, I was like yeah thats cool.
So after chatting to him for a while, like on and off all the time, we would chat during the day, at night, we were obsessed, thought each other was funny, Im pretty sure i sent him like every single photo that existed of me… Man i was insecure! And I actually found out eventually that he lived in the next suburb over with his parents. He asked me to go over, I was really unsure because I had been with alot of assholes who just wanted sex and was really nervous. I remember I had orange hair because I was bleaching it. Im totally gonna put a photo up of it, it was so bad.
Well i caught my bus to his place as it was only one bus, so convenient !! He had told me he was interested in event management so I took my books….hah. Lies! He wanted to get laid! Cheeky shit!
He met me halfway down the street as I had no idea where I was going and gave me a big hug when he saw me, at the time it creeped me out, now it doesn’t surprise me, he’s so friendly like that!
Kane lived in the attic of his parents house. So i went up to the attic, honestly thinking fuck this guys going to chop me up!! He had the worst long hair and that gross goatee thing but for some reason I liked him. It was so weird because tbh I was not at that time necessarily attracted to him. But i could tell he had a kind heart.
After chatting for a while he went in for a kiss suddenly and we bumped teeth! It was hilarious, but i reciprocated and then INVITED HIM FOR DINNER. Whattt? I didn’t know what i was doing hahahaha i seriously never did that, with guys in the past i usually hid them since i was back at my parents, how awkward!! But he came! Now i know Kane it doesn’t surprise me, wherever food is, Kane is. Lol
So he came over for dinner and awkwardly we watched movies on my laptop in my room. He took his pants off….and i was thinking wtf dude when are u going home?? Dad even knocked on my door and said “hes not staying here” and mum told him to shuttup. Id been living in perth for 3 years and i was 24 hahaha. Oh dad!
But after that night I had no idea how to even communicate with him about what was going on. i remember once on msn asking him whats going on with us? And him saying….i dont want to fuck you around. And i remember saying back….mate im so fucked in the head, we may as well see how it goes and we just never stopped….it was hard at first because he was really bad at communicating….i remember it being super confusing and frustrating. But we started technically going out eventually.
He stayed over that night, tried everything he could to have sex but i told him no. I was not going to be another notch on his belt (not actually knowing he was totally not like that)
But it never ended. We kept seeing each other, mostly me going over his house, his house was closer to the city so id often stay over there before work or uni. We started to meet in the city at his work and just spent more time together. I hated going to his house, the stairs to the attic where he and his brother slept were really unsafe and I didn’t like his dad much.
Kane moved out pretty soon after. He didn’t have work at the time but he decided it was time. Thank goodness because the day he moved out i fell on those fucking stairs!
We didn’t live together for another year or so when we decided we were ready. Kane had a lot of problems trying to find work, because the company he worked for went bust. We were running a club night, (the one we met at we ended up running) volunteer so that was good. I was still doing uni but after I fell down the stairs it started becoming difficult, that really fucked my Pelvis and back up. It actually moved my pelvis a little in the xrays :/ but there was nothing they could do. 3 years on and its much better after acupuncture i just cant sit for too long or it starts to twitch and hurt.
So we moved in together with my brother as well. We had a couple housemates in that place. We had our first cats, charlie and azami. That house i studied, Kane did some work, cleaning and graphic work, and we fought a lot. Mostly because he couldn’t show emotions and i couldn’t communicate. But we always sorted shit out. One of our friends killed herself around that time, in october 2010 that was horrible. that was the hardest time. It really made us realise how depressed we actually were and that we didn’t want to stay that way. We both started seeing a counsellor.
After that lease was up we moved house. Charlie got hit by a car and Azami ran away so sad. They were such amazing cats! We experienced life differently in this house. We had a 4 bedroom place to play with, good for storage! We were starting to run more shows in Adelaide. It was fun. We drank a lot though and that wasn’t good in the end.
We started experiencing spiritual happenings after beth died. Kane had visions of her in the house while he was asleep. I had experiences that were just weird . Now im used to them but then i was very freaked out!
June 2011 i had got to the point where i had a massive self crisis and shaved my head. But i also started seeing an energy healer. I started seeing lyn and she changed my life. Not only did she help my energy but she helped me talk out a lot of issues i had, like my weight and childhood issues that still bugged me after 12 years, like my grandpas death. Kane also started seeing her and realised how spiritual he actually is, and how special he is energetically. Lyn changed our life. I started exercising and lost 15 kgs it was so powerful, for me and others around me. We also were asked to look after a cat, boogers, who was pregnant. We looked after the kittens when they were born, giving 2 away and keeping 2. They were very maine coon lookalikes with amazing personalities. Milkychin and tiggy were beautiful. (Were because they passed away :( )
Around christmas Kane and i were talking about what to keep doing with our life. I had studied and worked full time at the end of the semester and he still could not find work and was constantly becoming depressed by it. I was supporting us and he hated it, I didn’t mind, he had supported me at times too. I told him if he decides to move to Melbourne, which was his idea, then he has to put a eing on it. So he did. We became engaged and had an engagement party in April :)
In feb 2012 Kane’s ex gf died, in the same friendship as our friend beth who killed herself in october 2010. It was an even bigger reminder to start living our lives.
By the time march came we had decided he would try get work in Melbourne, even if i had to stay in Adelaide to finish my uni year. So we did that. Kane moved to Melbourne in the April and started work on Moonshadow. I found a new house, new housemate and found myself lost. Wow I’ve never been so fucked up without him around. Because I was working, I was drinking a lot. I was studying still but went out heaps because being alone was WEIRD!!
I felt like I couldn’t be alive without him. You know you’ve got a life partner when that happens. I went over there and stayed in hotels (the fun part) he came to Adelaide and hated being back. My grandma died in July and he came back for one day to be at her funeral, even took a day off work which they aren’t meant to do. But there was always something beautiful about Kane and my grandmas relationship, even though she had terrible dementia, she always remembered him. It was amazing.
I went through housemates, because one had a huge party and let people use my bedding (wtf) and the others were just horrible, dirty, lazy so I chose to finish my lease in November and moved to Melbourne in December. I missed just living with him. He had housemate issues too, his first house lasting 2 months because they were insane and yelling at him and playing music late at night when he worked 6 days a week. The second housemate of his wasn’t too bad but i found him really weird. I missed just us two living together :(
But the best thing out of it all was, the moment when we chose we wanted to be parents. I remember being really sad about my grandma when he was over for the funeral and we had sex and he said he felt then that he was meant to try to conceive. Very intense moment. We have no idea why. One thing Kane never wanted was to be married or have kids, funny that. Until he met me of course. We were together for one night before he flew back and the experience of being away from each other was incredible. But it wasn’t until august when we were laying on his bed one night and we were talking about it, we actually had a fight about it because he kept saying he wouldn’t be a good dad, and i was getting really pissed off because I KNOW he would be a perfect dad! He is silly, fun. Immature but mature, he is kind and thoughtful and has a beautiful soul with a little bit of weird musician and amazing artist tucked in there. He is such a creative person, he’d be the best dad. Anyway we had a bit of a tiff and that ended up with us having sex haha but the thing was he actually tried, he came in me. I didn’t even expect him to do that, he said he actually felt like he was meant to do it in july when he s in Adelaide and felt like he missed the chance. I was like holy fuck that just happened, so from then on we tried. So we weren’t even living in the same state, but we knew id be moving over in December. It just felt right. Afterwards too (creepy as it sounds) as we were falling asleep i felt my grandma around, like i never ever felt her around, but it was like it was all meant to be.
So i got a bit of a period in september, and was like damn! And then i ended up going over to Melbourne completely off the cuff because I drove over with my friends. So i stayed there for another week, totally unplanned. But we tried again and that seems to have worked. Obviously since I am now 19 weeks pregnant!
Wow what an amazing time it has been. Ive had to pack up a house, break a lease, move into my parents, stay there a month whilst feeling like death! Find a house in Melbourne, pack my stuff at mums, organise a removalist and move to Melbourne, all whilst pregnant and feeling like shit! But I did it. And life is simply amazing. i could not imagine, not being pregnant, not living with Kane but am really grateful foe that 8 months apart, we needed it to rekindle how we felt. Cus i was damn crazy without him around!!!! He is much more together with me around too, we ground each others energies. From the boy I met, to the man I couldn’t live without, I cant wait to have his baby, be his wife and him be mine forever.
We both had really crap times before we met each other, we substance abused, he smoked weed from 13,experienced psychosis, was diagnosed with all these issues like ocd, schizophrenia, anxiety and in the end, he just needed someone who believed in him, talked to him when he was down and listened, gave advice. All i needed was someone to truly love me, talk to me, share my heart and soul and talk to forever. Id never met anyone who was truly interested in me and gave a shit. He is so proud of me and Im so proud of him.
We both feel down every now and then but never like we used to. Life is different now. We are able to be aware of the changes we need to make to be happy and make them.
Im 28 this year, our bub is due 19 june and my birthday is 30 june :) i love this year already. Im trying to get a transfer together atm for uni so i can study in this semester. Kane’s been working on gigs, bdo today who knows what else will come his way. We are in our own place and happy :) food things come to those who are patient.
I cant believe that in less than 2 weeks it will be our 4 year anniversary. Funny thing is, its on valentines day and I’m flying to Adelaide to see my family and go to a wedding haha doesn’t matter we will do something beforehand. We don’t really celebrate those dates anyway. But 4 years? Feels like much much much longer!! And we will forever see frenzal rhomb. Hahaha our fav band ever!