Waking up- 2011

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Waking up..

I just had the most emotionally releasing walk ever.
I woke up 3 days ago, feeling much lighter.
I had listened to Mark Stephens phobia and anxiety free cds.
Okay I admit, I did not do this by myself, I needed help, YEP I can admit that.
Sometimes we all just need a little bit of help and we can't do it all by ourselves, something I think a lot of people need to realise. However, I know from suffering from serious depression, we develop a narcissistic attitude and don't let anyone else in.

I had to let someone in. It was time to stop feeling lost and start understanding why I felt this way.
I've had 2 friends kill themselves in 2 months and this is something I want to try to help prevent in the future.
For me, my friends and even people I don't like, people I don't know, anyone. I don't want anyone to feel like they are worthless and have nothing to live for, we all do.
If it's being creative, or making music, playing video games, cooking, writing, whatever we are good at, we are good at for a reason. You were born to create what you need to create and this makes every single life beautiful.

I've held a lot of deep seated issues inside for a very long time, some it seems I don't even physically remember, however these affected me.
My brother had a brain tumour at the age of 3 and I wasn't even 1 yet. This affected me without knowing, but everytime I talked about it, I cried and felt like my heart was sinking. My brother has had no effect, except having to learn to write with his opposite hand and of course the rehab he went through, but i guess from being 9 months old and not being around your mother is going to effect a tiny child.

My parents fought for 15 years, in the end it got so negative that my brother and I moved to another state. Their life is different now, they are happy and live a different life, but back then it affected me more than I ever knew.
The relationships I had with girls throughout my life. People I thought I was friends with, ditching me for a joke.
The relationships I had with boys, sexual or non -sesual, they have all impacted me in different ways. Some negative, like the 10 year friend who committed fraud on me, I've had to forgive her. I've had to forgive the friend who stole from me, the friend who stole my boyfriend, the friend who treated me like I was less, making me feel less and less for a long long time. I forgive them. They did not mean to make me feel that way, they were hitting their own rock bottom and were taking me down with them.

I feel sorry for my parents and brothers who had to put up with such a disgusting attitude from me for so long. I was a terrible person, I can admit it. I stole, I lied, I spent their money, drank their alcohol, I was never honest and secretly they knew but they kept the facade up because I was not ready to change.

I am glad to have found the most beautiful man I'll ever meet. Who I can talk to about my deepest, darkest secrets, fears and sadness to. He listens and doesn't judge because he has been through the same. I have found my soulmate, in relationship form and this is very rare.

I had to realise that I was the only one bringing ME down. I could blame the rest of the world, but it was only my fault. I was the one who fucked up uni, I was the one who can't get a job because I am too stubborn to help myself. I'm the one who fucked around with my medication, making me feel more depressed. I was the one who couldn't say no and have willpower when I bought chocolate instead of fruit. I WAS the one who has put on 5 kilos.
NOONE ELSE.
It was noone elses fault I wasn't exercising.
It was noone elses fault I was smoking.
It was noone elses fault I couldn't handle money.
It was MY fault.
I was to blame for it all.

Once I accepted this blame, the rightful blame, I was able to move on.

I also had to accept things I am NOT to blame for.
My friend's deaths.
The sadness of people around me.
The uncommunicative abilities of others.