Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Soulmates.
I have a belief that we have many soulmates in life. I have had some that have come and gone. At the moment I know in my heart that my partner is definitely my soulmate.
Writers block.
I've been trying to come up with the effort to write for a few days now...I wonder why I always put it off. I have as much of important stories to tell than anyone.
While I was away in Melbourne I had more spiritual exeriences with Kane. This is happening more and more everytime we see each other because together we are so important spiritually and energetically.
We were in the motel room and I was trying to sleep, I felt like my head wanted to explode and was finding it very frustrating. I also felt Kanes spirit guide in the room, which always keeps me awake as he only seems to communicate with me. I was quite fatigued before I went to Melbourne but whilst in Melbourne I felt much more awake. This night I was a complete insomniac, driven by fear due to having to move Kane out of his old house which was fuelled by dark energy to the new place. I had a really horrible white vision of what was told to me was an inorganic being. Funnily enough through doing some research tonight, I have made the realisation, you only give the inorganic ARCHON beings ability to phase you and take control of your "ego" insular thoughts if you CREATE THE FEAR and believe in them.
So life for me has taken an interesting turn, I've felt extremely fatigued once I got back from Adelaide, feeling unwell, fuzzy in the head, bad memory, stress possibly and I know I have to quit my job, but the actual DOING of that is stressing me out HOWEVER the thought of going back to my job is possibly stressing me out more than that, so yeah, time for new things.
Am I low on vitamins? I don't even know anymore. It seems everytime I have inflammation or pain there's never an answer to it.
Doctors can't find anything.
It is excruciating.
Passive aggressive needs to go.
An interesting week it has been and in the end I made a very important choice to stand up and face and confront my emotional pain that was passive aggressive behaviour.
Monday, April 14, 2014
I can't believe how much you've changed......Lily Beth, nearly 10 months now! You have such a cheerful defining personality. You LOVE baths and playing and cuddles. Your smile lights up a room and your stare is enchanting. Your heart is big and fruitful. You are my sunshine, my little girl. Through and through. Mummy loves you xx
How your life changes.
Its incredible how your life changes once you have a baby.
It is like NOTHING you can imagine.
Even if you've been around babies.
Actually having your own baby, it is YOUR sole responsibility 24/7.
It's an amazing journey of sleep deprivation, stress, abundant cuddles and unconditional love.
It's a bit of a death defying rollercoaster, and in the end of the day I thank goodness for the 'good' hormones that filled me full of love and life when I smelt/saw/heard my baby. Or truth be told, I'd probably exited stage left pretty quickly!
My other half and I decided we would move interstate, not only for career change, but for a 'sea' change. The state we were living in, was for us, unlivable.
So basically it means no immediate support.
I say immediate, because I know my brothers and parents would jump on a plane if we needed them, but there's noone to babysit if we need, or just give us a break so we can clean, we are completely reliant on each other.
This may not sound so bad, but my other half works very intermittetly. So he works LONG hours and LONG weeks sometimes, sometimes little work is available, but that's only a couple days in between and he's often recuperating from such long shifts, so I get help with the little one, but it's on and off.
I appreciate everything he does for our family, we are currenty saving for our wedding and other things in life, so he is working towards our future, which is the most endearing thing a man could do for me, and give me cuddles at night, which I also get. I'm a cancer so I need security, he is giving me this. Our life has been very balanced lately, because I have been making decisions around what I NEED to survive healthily without stress, because the stress IS unnecessary and not needed if we can balance life. WE have been doing a good job so far. He will often get up with the little one if he can in the mornings and give me a little sleep in, even an extra hour sometimes it enough. He will clean if I ask him, or do the dishes or do the washing. He helps out in every way he can in between those big shifts, so he is indeed a fantastic support when we need.
I do miss my mum and dad though. I miss them because I know they'd be here if we needed anything. I know we would be less stressed without them, however would we be as resilient? I do think we need this so that we don't become dependant on them and they are there when we need.
& we get no support from the other half's parents, so that's not even relevant ever.
Some days I feel like I am busting my ass for nothing, but I know that it will all be welcomed and appreciated and I get to wake up with a clean house, or dishes done, or washing done and it hasn's all overflowed and making me stressed. I am getting good sleep now, better at calming myself down. My adrenalin was off the grid for a while, my hormones were really unbalanced just from 8 months of lack of sleep, but getting the little one to drink more water has helped considerably.
My friend had a baby recently, he is only 8 weeks old, sometimes I think I'd love to have another babe close in age, but sometimes the thought frightens me. How would I get ANYTHING done?
We are better off for our life and what it is, I will not regret a single thing.
And hey we get to fly out to see my parents for a week and a half and I'm sure I'll get lots of babysitting!
Everything happens on it's own rhythm and rhyme and the circle of life goes on.
It is like NOTHING you can imagine.
Even if you've been around babies.
Actually having your own baby, it is YOUR sole responsibility 24/7.
It's an amazing journey of sleep deprivation, stress, abundant cuddles and unconditional love.
It's a bit of a death defying rollercoaster, and in the end of the day I thank goodness for the 'good' hormones that filled me full of love and life when I smelt/saw/heard my baby. Or truth be told, I'd probably exited stage left pretty quickly!
My other half and I decided we would move interstate, not only for career change, but for a 'sea' change. The state we were living in, was for us, unlivable.
So basically it means no immediate support.
I say immediate, because I know my brothers and parents would jump on a plane if we needed them, but there's noone to babysit if we need, or just give us a break so we can clean, we are completely reliant on each other.
This may not sound so bad, but my other half works very intermittetly. So he works LONG hours and LONG weeks sometimes, sometimes little work is available, but that's only a couple days in between and he's often recuperating from such long shifts, so I get help with the little one, but it's on and off.
I appreciate everything he does for our family, we are currenty saving for our wedding and other things in life, so he is working towards our future, which is the most endearing thing a man could do for me, and give me cuddles at night, which I also get. I'm a cancer so I need security, he is giving me this. Our life has been very balanced lately, because I have been making decisions around what I NEED to survive healthily without stress, because the stress IS unnecessary and not needed if we can balance life. WE have been doing a good job so far. He will often get up with the little one if he can in the mornings and give me a little sleep in, even an extra hour sometimes it enough. He will clean if I ask him, or do the dishes or do the washing. He helps out in every way he can in between those big shifts, so he is indeed a fantastic support when we need.
I do miss my mum and dad though. I miss them because I know they'd be here if we needed anything. I know we would be less stressed without them, however would we be as resilient? I do think we need this so that we don't become dependant on them and they are there when we need.
& we get no support from the other half's parents, so that's not even relevant ever.
Some days I feel like I am busting my ass for nothing, but I know that it will all be welcomed and appreciated and I get to wake up with a clean house, or dishes done, or washing done and it hasn's all overflowed and making me stressed. I am getting good sleep now, better at calming myself down. My adrenalin was off the grid for a while, my hormones were really unbalanced just from 8 months of lack of sleep, but getting the little one to drink more water has helped considerably.
My friend had a baby recently, he is only 8 weeks old, sometimes I think I'd love to have another babe close in age, but sometimes the thought frightens me. How would I get ANYTHING done?
We are better off for our life and what it is, I will not regret a single thing.
And hey we get to fly out to see my parents for a week and a half and I'm sure I'll get lots of babysitting!
Everything happens on it's own rhythm and rhyme and the circle of life goes on.
I love taking pictures of Lily asleep.
I think because it makes me feel so good that shes asleep and content considering 8 months of it being such a fight. I am so glad she has found it easier over the last couple of weeks.
She is such an angel.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Emotions.
Something I will never do is hide emotions away. Sometimes I’m so exhausted I cry, I ball my eyes out and my baby looks at me and she touches me on my arm or she touches my face and I’m slightly healed because her love is enough for me to understand why i go through this exhaustion. Because one day that will be me, touching her, slightly healing her when a situation for her is not going the way she thought it would.
It’s okay to show emotions, that makes you real and I want her to know that life is real and emotions are a real thing in this world and not to be hidden away.
It’s okay to show emotions, that makes you real and I want her to know that life is real and emotions are a real thing in this world and not to be hidden away.
First time new mother worries.
As a first time and new mother I always feel pressure
that Im not doing things right. Partly my own self esteem and exhaustion
I guess, but it’s also such a crazy world out there especially with the
internet and all the different information being thrown back and forth.
I often wonder if Im creating bad habits but I find myself think back to historical ways of mothering and different cultures, how people in tribes they had support from other mothers or aunties to help care for the children while the fathers/men went off to scrounge for resources/food or trade goods. I am almost jealous of this. I miss having a friends base, I wish more of my friends had children and I often fantasise about that life where Im not stuck in a house with a child trying to keep sane. What would it be like to have support of family and/or friends? My support is my mother coming over once a month to give us a bit of a break. Because as much as I love my baby, it is a 24/7 job for a mother (also a father but they are often out at work) and can be difficult to keep at the same energy level as your thriving offspring.
Where did the world of support go? We spend our days judging one another for our different parenting methods with no realisation that we come from different backgrounds (sometimes countries, religions, cultures and so on) and often don’t think to ask why we do such things, just assume that it’s flatout wrong because it’s not the way we would parent out child/children. You can educate without being abusive.
My mothers generation had their issues sure, but they supported each other too, we knew our neighbours, now we live in a world where we hate everyone, it’s easier to hate people than to be nice to them because everyone has to do things OUR way. We have become a VERY selfish society. We constantly blame others for our own actions and play pity parties, if we just realised the world only works in reactions. The way we treat others and the energy we put out into the world really does often equal what we attract back. If we are still holding anger from the past, how do we move on to a bright and positive future?
ANYWAY I DIGRESS.
I often feel like I’m not doing ‘things right’ because sometimes during the night Im so tired Ill pull my 7 month old if she wakes up really upset and I can’t calm her down and pop her in bed with me, but it calms her down and she sleeps so what’s the big deal? She doesn’t use it as a habit, it’s a once upon a time thing and in the end am I bad for that? Am I making my baby who only born 7 months ago wanting to connect and be held all the time addicted to connection and love? She is safe in our bed as my partner will then sleep in the spare bed and there is a border of pillows. It makes her feel secure and safe, why is that such a bad thing? I try to get her to soothe herself in the cot, which she often does but sometimes she needs a little extra TLC. Why is that looked down upon? Cots are surely a disconnection tool at times? Especially when the baby is left to cry and they learn from that very very young age that they are on their own.
I have seen what these kind of experiences do to babies, as adults. I do not know ONE person whose parent/s let them CIO that has come out connected and emotionally attached.
I come to the conclusion that Intuition, it’s everything and block out ALL the bullshit. Do what is best for YOUR child and YOUR environment at the time.
Every child is an individual, I do believe they are born with a certain personality. I was born independent and very active - as a baby and child I was exactly this and still am as an adult. My brother was independent and quite chilled he is still this way and my other brother was clingy and emotionally dependent, he is still like this as he is older. Kane was a very passive baby and is a very passive adult. See the baby for who they are and work with them :)
I often wonder if Im creating bad habits but I find myself think back to historical ways of mothering and different cultures, how people in tribes they had support from other mothers or aunties to help care for the children while the fathers/men went off to scrounge for resources/food or trade goods. I am almost jealous of this. I miss having a friends base, I wish more of my friends had children and I often fantasise about that life where Im not stuck in a house with a child trying to keep sane. What would it be like to have support of family and/or friends? My support is my mother coming over once a month to give us a bit of a break. Because as much as I love my baby, it is a 24/7 job for a mother (also a father but they are often out at work) and can be difficult to keep at the same energy level as your thriving offspring.
Where did the world of support go? We spend our days judging one another for our different parenting methods with no realisation that we come from different backgrounds (sometimes countries, religions, cultures and so on) and often don’t think to ask why we do such things, just assume that it’s flatout wrong because it’s not the way we would parent out child/children. You can educate without being abusive.
My mothers generation had their issues sure, but they supported each other too, we knew our neighbours, now we live in a world where we hate everyone, it’s easier to hate people than to be nice to them because everyone has to do things OUR way. We have become a VERY selfish society. We constantly blame others for our own actions and play pity parties, if we just realised the world only works in reactions. The way we treat others and the energy we put out into the world really does often equal what we attract back. If we are still holding anger from the past, how do we move on to a bright and positive future?
ANYWAY I DIGRESS.
I often feel like I’m not doing ‘things right’ because sometimes during the night Im so tired Ill pull my 7 month old if she wakes up really upset and I can’t calm her down and pop her in bed with me, but it calms her down and she sleeps so what’s the big deal? She doesn’t use it as a habit, it’s a once upon a time thing and in the end am I bad for that? Am I making my baby who only born 7 months ago wanting to connect and be held all the time addicted to connection and love? She is safe in our bed as my partner will then sleep in the spare bed and there is a border of pillows. It makes her feel secure and safe, why is that such a bad thing? I try to get her to soothe herself in the cot, which she often does but sometimes she needs a little extra TLC. Why is that looked down upon? Cots are surely a disconnection tool at times? Especially when the baby is left to cry and they learn from that very very young age that they are on their own.
I have seen what these kind of experiences do to babies, as adults. I do not know ONE person whose parent/s let them CIO that has come out connected and emotionally attached.
I come to the conclusion that Intuition, it’s everything and block out ALL the bullshit. Do what is best for YOUR child and YOUR environment at the time.
Every child is an individual, I do believe they are born with a certain personality. I was born independent and very active - as a baby and child I was exactly this and still am as an adult. My brother was independent and quite chilled he is still this way and my other brother was clingy and emotionally dependent, he is still like this as he is older. Kane was a very passive baby and is a very passive adult. See the baby for who they are and work with them :)
Progressive parenting or the same as the past generations? How do we change anything up when society is still driven by money?
I hurt my ankle yesterday and it has a nice egg on it, quite painful
and stiff. By some kind of miracle my daughter has woken up without
sickness which we are surprised about considering her coughing and
congestion last night. But it means she can actually go to childcare
with daddy this morning and I can finally have some rest time. I really
thought I'd be hobbling around after her today. As I can't go to uni
like I usually do on a Wednesday as I am down to a slow hobble and don't
want to make it worse and neglect myself altogether, I have realised I
don't even know how to rest anymore. It's like adrenalin is all I run on
these days. I'm so used to just running around doing everything &
so is my partner, it's really odd for both of us that I'm next to
useless as walking is such a task.
He's finding it hard to adapt as we're used to a certain routine and that's basically me running after our daughter and he works. It's amazing the things you get used to as a family & as a mother and even just sitting for 5 minutes feels like you're wasting precious time! Its hard though, I need ONE day to rest & it almost seems too hard for the other half, like he's more afraid of being late to work because he has to drop bub off at childcare so I can just rest as we have no-one that can help us at a time like this. It's amazing how dedicated he can be to his job, but when it comes to his family, it's just expected I just do everything right? Because that's what has always happened? I think it's really sad that making money and not being able to just tell your boss that your partner has hurt herself and therefore he had to do the childcare drop off is not a valid excuse? It's really bizarre that as a society we would rather a person put their EMPLOYMENT over their family because that's what is drummed into us. I've experienced it and been frightened to call in sick before. Why is this kind of fear driven in workplaces? Wouldn't you rather an employee be honest, and not be driven to lie because of fear of being berated for being unable to go to work? Nope! Just be here on time always or else! It's also the industry he works in, no time off is really allowed at all. If he is sick he goes, if he is expected to do 70 hr weeks he goes, no matter what. I've been on the brink of meltdown and he has gone to work, because theres NO excuses for having time off.
Are we any forward than past generations? We try to be, but it still feels like we're on our own because we should just be able to do it, do everything. There's no doubt my other half is incredible, he is actually VERY supportive, he tries so hard to be the best dad and partner that he can and he slips sometimes just like we all do (a little less than me because I am the primary carer of a little one who needs me 24/7) but he slips gradually, I just use all my adrenalin and then meltdown quickly and gruesomely.
Unfortunately it feels like it's always when I need him the most because he finds it hard to understand empathy due to not learning empathy as a child, thanks to his parents who have no ability of compassion or caring, I've had to slowly teach him these things. I know that I can't just get around like I was doing when I've hurt myself, but when he is sick I dote on him with all of my maternal ways. He is oblivious (he's admitted it) and just keeps going on going the way we were. I am physically hurt and he still couldn't come home and be completely selfless and say Okay go rest Ill look after bubs because he was so exhausted from work. (He just did a 70 hr week) He fell asleep while watching her (I was in the room too) He does the best job he can do with what he's got. He has spent hours and hours trying to settle her when she just wants her mum. It's difficult.
How are we any different? We try to be so progressive, we try so hard to be different and better, but someone has to make the money, someone has to be the primary carer. If I wasn't breastfeeding I KNOW my other half would be feeding her as much as he could. It just kind of becomes MY role and she becomes my SOLE responsibility because he has to have his head and mind on work and 1000 other things as well as the house and cleaning and making sure I'm happy. In the end I actually wonder whether it's HARDER for him because he not only has to work crazy hours but he has to come home and help me do things I couldn't do during the day because of grumpy/teething/velcro/sick baby sometimes I just can't get things done.
The only way we could POSSIBLY live the life WE WANT is to ditch the jobs, and live on a commune. But I crave learning and crave interactions and he craves his hobbies and work so we have to live in a house with electricity, for these things to happen.
Somehow we need to find our middleground.
We are getting there. I think everytime we have a grievance we are getting there. Today my little girl got off to childcare just fine even though she slept in late, other half had eaten her yoghurt without realising it was hers, she wanted to feed right before the bus came, he missed the bus but he STILL got her to childcare on time and is well on his way to work. SO it does work out if you keep on going and don't let the negative get you down (something I have to remind myself everyday) because those thoughts are NOT serving you any good.
Note to self: Slow down or you're going to burn out in the worst way and then you're no help to anyone! Yes there are dishes in the sink, yes there is 3 loads of clean clothes to go away in the cupboard, yes the floor needs vacuuming, but all of that can wait. I'm on hiatus (for the day)
He's finding it hard to adapt as we're used to a certain routine and that's basically me running after our daughter and he works. It's amazing the things you get used to as a family & as a mother and even just sitting for 5 minutes feels like you're wasting precious time! Its hard though, I need ONE day to rest & it almost seems too hard for the other half, like he's more afraid of being late to work because he has to drop bub off at childcare so I can just rest as we have no-one that can help us at a time like this. It's amazing how dedicated he can be to his job, but when it comes to his family, it's just expected I just do everything right? Because that's what has always happened? I think it's really sad that making money and not being able to just tell your boss that your partner has hurt herself and therefore he had to do the childcare drop off is not a valid excuse? It's really bizarre that as a society we would rather a person put their EMPLOYMENT over their family because that's what is drummed into us. I've experienced it and been frightened to call in sick before. Why is this kind of fear driven in workplaces? Wouldn't you rather an employee be honest, and not be driven to lie because of fear of being berated for being unable to go to work? Nope! Just be here on time always or else! It's also the industry he works in, no time off is really allowed at all. If he is sick he goes, if he is expected to do 70 hr weeks he goes, no matter what. I've been on the brink of meltdown and he has gone to work, because theres NO excuses for having time off.
Are we any forward than past generations? We try to be, but it still feels like we're on our own because we should just be able to do it, do everything. There's no doubt my other half is incredible, he is actually VERY supportive, he tries so hard to be the best dad and partner that he can and he slips sometimes just like we all do (a little less than me because I am the primary carer of a little one who needs me 24/7) but he slips gradually, I just use all my adrenalin and then meltdown quickly and gruesomely.
Unfortunately it feels like it's always when I need him the most because he finds it hard to understand empathy due to not learning empathy as a child, thanks to his parents who have no ability of compassion or caring, I've had to slowly teach him these things. I know that I can't just get around like I was doing when I've hurt myself, but when he is sick I dote on him with all of my maternal ways. He is oblivious (he's admitted it) and just keeps going on going the way we were. I am physically hurt and he still couldn't come home and be completely selfless and say Okay go rest Ill look after bubs because he was so exhausted from work. (He just did a 70 hr week) He fell asleep while watching her (I was in the room too) He does the best job he can do with what he's got. He has spent hours and hours trying to settle her when she just wants her mum. It's difficult.
How are we any different? We try to be so progressive, we try so hard to be different and better, but someone has to make the money, someone has to be the primary carer. If I wasn't breastfeeding I KNOW my other half would be feeding her as much as he could. It just kind of becomes MY role and she becomes my SOLE responsibility because he has to have his head and mind on work and 1000 other things as well as the house and cleaning and making sure I'm happy. In the end I actually wonder whether it's HARDER for him because he not only has to work crazy hours but he has to come home and help me do things I couldn't do during the day because of grumpy/teething/velcro/sick baby sometimes I just can't get things done.
The only way we could POSSIBLY live the life WE WANT is to ditch the jobs, and live on a commune. But I crave learning and crave interactions and he craves his hobbies and work so we have to live in a house with electricity, for these things to happen.
Somehow we need to find our middleground.
We are getting there. I think everytime we have a grievance we are getting there. Today my little girl got off to childcare just fine even though she slept in late, other half had eaten her yoghurt without realising it was hers, she wanted to feed right before the bus came, he missed the bus but he STILL got her to childcare on time and is well on his way to work. SO it does work out if you keep on going and don't let the negative get you down (something I have to remind myself everyday) because those thoughts are NOT serving you any good.
Note to self: Slow down or you're going to burn out in the worst way and then you're no help to anyone! Yes there are dishes in the sink, yes there is 3 loads of clean clothes to go away in the cupboard, yes the floor needs vacuuming, but all of that can wait. I'm on hiatus (for the day)
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