I hurt my ankle yesterday and it has a nice egg on it, quite painful
and stiff. By some kind of miracle my daughter has woken up without
sickness which we are surprised about considering her coughing and
congestion last night. But it means she can actually go to childcare
with daddy this morning and I can finally have some rest time. I really
thought I'd be hobbling around after her today. As I can't go to uni
like I usually do on a Wednesday as I am down to a slow hobble and don't
want to make it worse and neglect myself altogether, I have realised I
don't even know how to rest anymore. It's like adrenalin is all I run on
these days. I'm so used to just running around doing everything &
so is my partner, it's really odd for both of us that I'm next to
useless as walking is such a task.
He's finding it hard to adapt
as we're used to a certain routine and that's basically me running
after our daughter and he works. It's amazing the things you get used to
as a family & as a mother and even just sitting for 5 minutes feels
like you're wasting precious time! Its hard though, I need ONE day to
rest & it almost seems too hard for the other half, like he's more
afraid of being late to work because he has to drop bub off at childcare
so I can just rest as we have no-one that can help us at a time like
this. It's amazing how dedicated he can be to his job, but when it comes
to his family, it's just expected I just do everything right? Because
that's what has always happened? I think it's really sad that making
money and not being able to just tell your boss that your partner has
hurt herself and therefore he had to do the childcare drop off is not a
valid excuse? It's really bizarre that as a society we would rather a
person put their EMPLOYMENT over their family because that's what is
drummed into us. I've experienced it and been frightened to call in sick
before. Why is this kind of fear driven in workplaces? Wouldn't you
rather an employee be honest, and not be driven to lie because of fear
of being berated for being unable to go to work? Nope! Just be here on
time always or else! It's also the industry he works in, no time off is
really allowed at all. If he is sick he goes, if he is expected to do 70
hr weeks he goes, no matter what. I've been on the brink of meltdown
and he has gone to work, because theres NO excuses for having time off.
Are
we any forward than past generations? We try to be, but it still feels
like we're on our own because we should just be able to do it, do
everything. There's no doubt my other half is incredible, he is actually
VERY supportive, he tries so hard to be the best dad and partner that
he can and he slips sometimes just like we all do (a little less than me
because I am the primary carer of a little one who needs me 24/7) but
he slips gradually, I just use all my adrenalin and then meltdown
quickly and gruesomely.
Unfortunately it feels like it's always
when I need him the most because he finds it hard to understand empathy
due to not learning empathy as a child, thanks to his parents who have
no ability of compassion or caring, I've had to slowly teach him these
things. I know that I can't just get around like I was doing when I've
hurt myself, but when he is sick I dote on him with all of my maternal
ways. He is oblivious (he's admitted it) and just keeps going on going
the way we were. I am physically hurt and he still couldn't come home
and be completely selfless and say Okay go rest Ill look after bubs
because he was so exhausted from work. (He just did a 70 hr week) He
fell asleep while watching her (I was in the room too) He does the best
job he can do with what he's got. He has spent hours and hours trying to
settle her when she just wants her mum. It's difficult.
How are
we any different? We try to be so progressive, we try so hard to be
different and better, but someone has to make the money, someone has to
be the primary carer. If I wasn't breastfeeding I KNOW my other half
would be feeding her as much as he could. It just kind of becomes MY
role and she becomes my SOLE responsibility because he has to have his
head and mind on work and 1000 other things as well as the house and
cleaning and making sure I'm happy. In the end I actually wonder whether
it's HARDER for him because he not only has to work crazy hours but he
has to come home and help me do things I couldn't do during the day
because of grumpy/teething/velcro/sick baby sometimes I just can't get
things done.
The only way we could POSSIBLY live the life WE WANT
is to ditch the jobs, and live on a commune. But I crave learning and
crave interactions and he craves his hobbies and work so we have to live
in a house with electricity, for these things to happen.
Somehow we need to find our middleground.
We
are getting there. I think everytime we have a grievance we are getting
there. Today my little girl got off to childcare just fine even though
she slept in late, other half had eaten her yoghurt without realising it
was hers, she wanted to feed right before the bus came, he missed the
bus but he STILL got her to childcare on time and is well on his way to
work. SO it does work out if you keep on going and don't let the
negative get you down (something I have to remind myself everyday)
because those thoughts are NOT serving you any good.
Note to
self: Slow down or you're going to burn out in the worst way and then
you're no help to anyone! Yes there are dishes in the sink, yes there is
3 loads of clean clothes to go away in the cupboard, yes the floor
needs vacuuming, but all of that can wait. I'm on hiatus (for the day)
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