Love can last a lifetime

Love can last a lifetime
if you allow it
Life can be happiness
just let it go
just don't ever forget it
it will still be there
instilled within your heart
bound together in your souls
you know what's real
and what is a game
one day you will be together again
and it will be as if you had just met
however you know them as if you had never left

The game of life.

ive been out of the game so long
ive forgotten how it goes
who wins and who loses
whos the friends and whos the foes.

how do i trust a man?
when ive trusted so many before
and just been disrespected
treated extremely poor.

how do i kiss a man?
tenderly and with passion
when it feels my heart is black like tar
how do i grab the moment without it passing?

how do i know how to flirt?
without looking like a total fool
i used to do everything drunk
now i just look like a sober tool.

when a guy comes my way
im the first to run
how do i know it's ok to stick around
without grabbing for that gun.

why does being sober make everything so hard?
makes it all hard for my brain to get
i need a man to shake me and whisk me away
without time to think or regret.

no questions, no answers
life would be so nice
no stop to think, no stop to breathe
just live life on a whim and not pay the price.

Alcohol the poison.

It scares me, the regret.
Losing control of mind, body and soul.
Life should not be like this.
Unable to be without intoxication.

Hardly waking the next day.
Feeling as if death is closing in.
Wonder of what happened.
Asking unanswered questions.

The losing of memory,
Unable to remember past events,
Damn the alcohol,
Devils juice.

It makes me hurt inside,
Yet I cannot put it down.
Every sip and I need another,
My mouth is so dry.

I drink because I'm thirsty,
Thirsty to make all the nightmares go away.
Stop the torment.
It helps me forget myself, my control.
Who am i?
I am miserable.

Invisible

I dont own a watch,
i have no concept of time,
i thought today was yesterday,
where am i?

on the planet, earth.

suprisingly true,
i feel numb, almost unattached,
a spiritual being, floating above,
watching all,

i am invisible to you.

Choosing: Addiction

Choosing: Addiction

It was so painful,

3 weeks of insomnia.

Sleep deprivation attacks the thought process.

The physical pain was damaging to the soul.

Oh how I craved,

just one more drink, it won't hurt.

I kept reminding myself of the person I did not want to be anymore!

The sad, desperate addict.

So desperate for another...

so unneccesary, yet I craved.

Now 2 months down the track,

waking up every morning is a blessing.

No more anxiety, hangovers or panic attacks.

Strength, willpower and courage,

I chose life.

Alcoholism

Photo album shows memories,
scattered dreams.
Times when I didn't care.
I didn't know who I was.
The poison blocked any emotion,
yet brought out the worst in me.
Sober, 4 days, I hate it.
I know I need to rid it.
Set myself free.
I felt invincible.
Bulletproof.
All I did was hate myself even more.
Nothing can take that pain away.
Until I can see, without intoxication.
I am so loved.
Yet feel so alone.
I do it, to myself.
Push them all away.
I tell them lies so they leave me alone.
It's better off this way.
I need to learn to love myself again,
I just don't know how.
All I know is how to abuse myself, that makes me feel good.
The poison makes me lie.
I hate it,
I need to learn control.
Tell myself I can do it.
Give myself the chance.
Sober. Alive. Happy. Hope.

Defenseless

I put up my defense shield
I find it hard to speak to you
I berrate you
I don't mean to
My mouth is my core enemy

I'm scared of liking you
so I act mean
I know it doesn't make sense
but it's the way I cope
unfortunately.

I make fun of you
but I really want you
I wish you were mine
everlasting
love is a fever.

I dream of you
I can still taste you on my lips
You were such a caring lover
I miss your smile
the way you laugh at my jokes.

I failed because I lied
I pushed you away
that was the furtherest thing
i ever wanted
I'm sorry to myself for that.

I hate myself for hiding
the facade is my favourite friend
it's the only way i face the day
Who am i?
who knows.


I wish I was everything in your eyes
I wish you dreamt of me when you slept
tasted me on your lips
held me in your arms every night
the one thing i wish for daily
welcome to my life.

In your arms.

It's so hard to breathe, knowing how unbelievably perfect this moment is.

In your arms,
Feeling like my heart has healed.
No more hopelessness,
No more numbness,
I was happy being yours
and you were mine.
Holding hands,
being each others constant.
Comforting when needed,
you were my everything.

For family...

The ones who love you no matter what.
They know your secrets, your fears.
They have seen your deepest, your darkest times.
Even though you do wrong,
they are the ones to always back you up.
Live for you.
Hold you when you are about to down that bottle.
You are broken.
Throw what you want at them.
They take it.
Family, through thick and thin.
They are there for you.
Cherish this.

The last goodbye

I thought we would last longer than we did,
In the end. I am. Humiliated. Hurt. Broken. Messy.
Sometimes I revel in hating you.
Sometimes I miss your everything and I smile.
You disgust me, but I also can't help but miss you.
What a mess.
I am no longer anything, but ripped apart at the seams and discarded.
I wonder,
Do you even miss me?
Where did I go wrong?
Did you ever feel anything for me?
Was I just another pawn on the chessboard?
Thanks for nothing.
I wish I never met you.
Another lesson learnt.
Another heartache to recover from.
Another goodbye.
Uncontrollable emotions.
It is going to be okay, I will convince myself.

TO the selfish ones, when I quit drinking...

I wish they understood first hand,
the pain I feel everyday.
Wanting to drink,
wanting to forget it all.

However, my life is a new one,
new to me, and everyone around me.
For ten years I was numb,
I did not care about myself,
mind, body or soul.

I wish I could send them back to when I was 15,
to watch me progress into what I became.
A hopeless addict.
I lived for the poison,
just one more drink.

Unless you have been through this want,
need for the chemical, you can't understand.
It is contradictive,
you hate what it has done to you,
makes you act,
makes you feel,
wanting more everyday,
yet the fear of losing it forever is much more scary.

I crushed the addiction,
and here I am.
The brand new me,
a new improved version,
and you want me to be needy?
You want me to be dependent on something else?

This pains me and helps me to decide what I need,
I need breath,
I need positiveness,
I need a happy life.

I no longer want to feel dependent on anything,
one addiction is enough for one lifetime.
If you were not thinking about yourself,
and truly looking into the life I had,
you would see who I have become,
and how special that is to me,
my family, my friends.

It is not all about me,
but relationships should encourage compromise.
Never did I tell you how to be,
how to feel, that you were too needy.
I just let you be who you were.

However, as stressful as that seemed to be,
I bounce back,
to a new future, how exciting!
I am truly happy to be alive, sober and with life,
That is me. A true Survivor,
and I thank the universe,
my family and friends,
for giving me the strength to combat,
and climb over that wall.

Right now,
By myself,
Being me,
being happy,
someone who hopes to be able to love themself one day,
it will come, it is halfway here.

A way I still feel from time to time...

I can't deal with people today
Their judging eyes, staring
I can't deal with their smiles
How can they be so happy?
When I feel so sad, so alone.

Where do they get off, knowing life is okay?
When I sit here questioning?
I stare into space
Ignore all conversation
I'm in my own little world, trying to forget.

It all seems so hard, so heavy on my chest.
I feel so rundown with inability to get well.
Why is it always like this for me?
I'm at breaking point and I'm ready to explode.
Help.

It's time to ask for help.
To realise what's wrong with me.
I wake up every morning, without knowing my emotions.
Unable to detect which one I'll feel today.
Numb to the constant pain in my head.
Tears stinging my eyes while I try to sleep.

It's hard to say those few words.
but I can't smile anymore.
I find it hard to laugh, be happy, be me.
People are noticing, I can't even be a facade.
The pretty colours are fading and I am so scared.

I don't need or want fixing,
but I want to be happy,
I want to wake up and know I'm going to be okay.
Know I can go to sleep in silence and not have to ignore the negative thoughts.
I want to love myself.

After two years of my dealing with my past.
I was happy to live and be strong.
Yet I am again feeling so weak.
Unable to deal with anything that comes my way.
I just break down and cry.
Battered, bruised, broken.

I watch those people who are so happy,
and try to remember a time when I was.
It makes me cry uncontrollably.
I remember many times I felt that way, consumed and filled with joy.
Now, I feel nothing.
I am capable of only being sad and negative.

This way of life is so easy to stay in,
so hard to recognise there is a problem.
It takes so much energy but to accept the issue,
to live without denial,
hardly.

I hope that one day, I feel good again,
I will not feel those people judging me,
I will be strong and be able to deal with things better.
Loving will be easier,
living will be easier.

The wall

I still sit here
and I wonder what's wrong with me?
Then I have a revelation,
and I realise.
But there is nothing wrong with me
it's what's wrong with you.
On the rebound
Out to suck the life out of someone good
Someone who is together
Someone who is happy.

That's what's wrong with you.

Indeed there is nothing wrong with me,
I was the perfect friend,
Perfect companion,
I made the mistake of letting you in.

Next time the wall stays up.

Insomnia

Boredom creates insomnia,
Unable to sleep.
Unable to dream.
I wake up the next morning and I cannot think.
My mind wanders to what?
Nothing,
something,
restless.
I cannot fall asleep.
I lay here tossing and turning.
Exaggerating all the thoughts in my mind.
I swallow.
Blink.
Close my eyes but cannot sleep.
Cannot dream.
I sigh.

the past...present...future

I am sitting on a bus, heading to melbourne. It is around 1am and im finding it hard to sleep. So many things are floating around in my head. Questions like.. How do i keep motivated to keep studying? How do i keep myself motivated to run events? How do i sleep with this stench of tuna? Seriously... If anyone buses interstate, dont take tuna, noones gonna love you for that one! I think i have to keep the questions aside and just live. I keep questioning and beculause i dont have the answers, i sink deeper into questioning more and more. To be truthful, i dont think there are any answers. I think if we live with a love for the planet. Being thankful for the environment, mother earth, and everything we exist for, we will continue a positive consciousness. Bill hicks once spoke about the whole human race being of one consciousness. Bill was wise. He was cynical but very wise. I am getting more and more frustrated these days because i am seeing so many people around me letting themselves be dragged down by depression. I think depression is just that the world is slowly sinking before it will bloom again. 2012 is meant to bring an ultimate conscious shift. Every full moon is shifting the consciousness a little further each time. what im getting at is that we need to be positive and just be thankful we are alive. Recently when i was down, someone said to me, you were the fastest sperm! I think we are all here for a reason, even if its just to better someone else life, selfless, selfish, we are all here to teach each other lessons, consciously or unconsciously. We are dreaming, and it is the most beautiful dream. We breathe, drink, laugh, smile. Life is about enjoying this time with those you love, not regretting and looking into the future. Dont think of what you dont have, think of what you do have and be happy. The future is bright and anything can happen. You can create, everything is a choice. Live as one consciousness and love all.

Peacexx

Melbourne...

So Kane and I are heading to Melbourne this weekend.
Thank god.
We need some time away.
From everyone around us.
We are slowly losing our patience for most involved and we need some time out.
Also to see some old/new faces!

Am very excited to see Frenzal Rhomb Fri night with Dylan and Kane!
They were the first band I ever saw when I was 15 with Jarrad, my friend who that year died in a car crash.
Can't effin wait!
I also get to see my cousin, a friend from Perth I haven't seen since 2007 and some other friends.

It will be good for Paul to get to learn the ropes of RvM too :)

I will be glad to get out of Adelaide so we can come back and be inspired.

Fuck shit.

I feel so heavy. Like my heart and head are going to explode. I feel like the only person I can trust is myself. I feel like Kane is the only person I even want to be around, ever. Everyone else fails me, they all lie to me, they cheat on each other and fuck each other over.
Sometimes I wonder if these people had grown up in a different time and place, whether they'd feel a lot more thankful for what people do for them and appreciative of the people around them. All I seem to see is constant selfishness and disrespect.
In the past 2 years of living in Adelaide, I've grown to love to hate a lot of people.
Now all we want to do is fuck off. Three of my friends are dead. One, who I still get very upset at the thought we aren't going to grow old together. I sit with wine in my hand, a cigarette and think, why the hell isn't Beth here, enjoying this.
I can be thankful for the time we had as friends, but I am also still grieving on what could still be.
I find this something hard to just let go.
I am not slowly digging myself a hole. I am feeling very much like a yoyo of emotions at the moment. One moment I'm ready to do something useful, the next I feel defeated.
I feel stressed and unable to cope with anything that comes my way at one point and then the next I am ready to take on the world.
I believe some call this bipolar, I call it just living, because every single day I go through this feeling. Incrediblt lows and incredible highs. Fun.
Jokes can be made about bipolar, especially with this charlie sheen shit going around, but it is a serious problem amongst some people.
When i finish this degree, I will be so damn proud of myself, because getting myself to the end of it is the hardest ride I have ever endured. Amongst everything that has happened in the past year, shit landlords, moving house and my own mental and anxiety issues, I am at least working towards a goal.

It's hard to realise you don't want to exist.
So many thoughts come through my head. Like.. what would my funeral be like? What would my eulogy be like? Who knows.

Recently..
I am finding there are more fuckers out there than loving people, or maybe I am not surrounding myself with the right kind of people.
I hear a lot of talk about Kane, said of course behind his back, all bullsh it and there used to be a lot of talk about me.
I often wonder why this is. Is this because they truly feel they can't approach either of us, due to their own lack of communication. Probably. All we are trying to do is run awesome events for people to enjoy themselves at and you know what? We do a damn good job. We "work" volunteerly day after day, week after week, month after month organising these events. We love every second of it, until someone fucks us over and we wonder what's the fucking point?

I've had 3 friends die in 9 months. To me, that's hefty. It's a hefty weight to have on yourself, all of that grief. Granted one I did not know that well, but enough to be saddened and questioning wtf? Grief is a hard thing to deal with, and you will often think that grief has come and passed, and then it pops its fucking head up again and wants to know, SUP?

Another thing that is pissing me off lately is Adelaide's art and music scene.
It seems many people who are "in" on helping it out are actually people who are scared to get themselves out there and "communicate" or actually do something. If you don't want to actually be involved, DON'T VOLUNTEER. It's easier to say you can't or don't want to help than to fuck people over. I keep hearing of this happening. Seriously, if you respect the person/s, talk to them, they'll understand.

I can't fucking wait until we own somewhere so we can show how it's done.
Be nice Adelaide, or you're going to turn into a fucking retirement village, YOU IDIOTS!