I wish they understood first hand,
the pain I feel everyday.
Wanting to drink,
wanting to forget it all.
However, my life is a new one,
new to me, and everyone around me.
For ten years I was numb,
I did not care about myself,
mind, body or soul.
I wish I could send them back to when I was 15,
to watch me progress into what I became.
A hopeless addict.
I lived for the poison,
just one more drink.
Unless you have been through this want,
need for the chemical, you can't understand.
It is contradictive,
you hate what it has done to you,
makes you act,
makes you feel,
wanting more everyday,
yet the fear of losing it forever is much more scary.
I crushed the addiction,
and here I am.
The brand new me,
a new improved version,
and you want me to be needy?
You want me to be dependent on something else?
This pains me and helps me to decide what I need,
I need breath,
I need positiveness,
I need a happy life.
I no longer want to feel dependent on anything,
one addiction is enough for one lifetime.
If you were not thinking about yourself,
and truly looking into the life I had,
you would see who I have become,
and how special that is to me,
my family, my friends.
It is not all about me,
but relationships should encourage compromise.
Never did I tell you how to be,
how to feel, that you were too needy.
I just let you be who you were.
However, as stressful as that seemed to be,
I bounce back,
to a new future, how exciting!
I am truly happy to be alive, sober and with life,
That is me. A true Survivor,
and I thank the universe,
my family and friends,
for giving me the strength to combat,
and climb over that wall.
Right now,
By myself,
Being me,
being happy,
someone who hopes to be able to love themself one day,
it will come, it is halfway here.
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