Fuck shit.

I feel so heavy. Like my heart and head are going to explode. I feel like the only person I can trust is myself. I feel like Kane is the only person I even want to be around, ever. Everyone else fails me, they all lie to me, they cheat on each other and fuck each other over.
Sometimes I wonder if these people had grown up in a different time and place, whether they'd feel a lot more thankful for what people do for them and appreciative of the people around them. All I seem to see is constant selfishness and disrespect.
In the past 2 years of living in Adelaide, I've grown to love to hate a lot of people.
Now all we want to do is fuck off. Three of my friends are dead. One, who I still get very upset at the thought we aren't going to grow old together. I sit with wine in my hand, a cigarette and think, why the hell isn't Beth here, enjoying this.
I can be thankful for the time we had as friends, but I am also still grieving on what could still be.
I find this something hard to just let go.
I am not slowly digging myself a hole. I am feeling very much like a yoyo of emotions at the moment. One moment I'm ready to do something useful, the next I feel defeated.
I feel stressed and unable to cope with anything that comes my way at one point and then the next I am ready to take on the world.
I believe some call this bipolar, I call it just living, because every single day I go through this feeling. Incrediblt lows and incredible highs. Fun.
Jokes can be made about bipolar, especially with this charlie sheen shit going around, but it is a serious problem amongst some people.
When i finish this degree, I will be so damn proud of myself, because getting myself to the end of it is the hardest ride I have ever endured. Amongst everything that has happened in the past year, shit landlords, moving house and my own mental and anxiety issues, I am at least working towards a goal.

It's hard to realise you don't want to exist.
So many thoughts come through my head. Like.. what would my funeral be like? What would my eulogy be like? Who knows.

Recently..
I am finding there are more fuckers out there than loving people, or maybe I am not surrounding myself with the right kind of people.
I hear a lot of talk about Kane, said of course behind his back, all bullsh it and there used to be a lot of talk about me.
I often wonder why this is. Is this because they truly feel they can't approach either of us, due to their own lack of communication. Probably. All we are trying to do is run awesome events for people to enjoy themselves at and you know what? We do a damn good job. We "work" volunteerly day after day, week after week, month after month organising these events. We love every second of it, until someone fucks us over and we wonder what's the fucking point?

I've had 3 friends die in 9 months. To me, that's hefty. It's a hefty weight to have on yourself, all of that grief. Granted one I did not know that well, but enough to be saddened and questioning wtf? Grief is a hard thing to deal with, and you will often think that grief has come and passed, and then it pops its fucking head up again and wants to know, SUP?

Another thing that is pissing me off lately is Adelaide's art and music scene.
It seems many people who are "in" on helping it out are actually people who are scared to get themselves out there and "communicate" or actually do something. If you don't want to actually be involved, DON'T VOLUNTEER. It's easier to say you can't or don't want to help than to fuck people over. I keep hearing of this happening. Seriously, if you respect the person/s, talk to them, they'll understand.

I can't fucking wait until we own somewhere so we can show how it's done.
Be nice Adelaide, or you're going to turn into a fucking retirement village, YOU IDIOTS!