Past, present, future

Having spent a majority of my life on some kind of mind altering drugs to try and make life better may it be illegal or legal, am finally at a point of complete sober life and I realise that the ONLY proper way to get myself back to where I need to be is with peer support, natural therapies, a proper diet, cutting out alcohol and any other substances that just cause emotional dependency. There are reasons for me being depressed, anxious. They are issues that have been packed on top of one another from birth, or even conception. The other part though is the dependency of alcohol and cigarettes, which soon became a coping tool, but for me these are not a coping tool at all. I spent a lot of my life from the age of 15, grieving for people who had died in my life. I could not understand why they had died and left me here, where they had gone when they had died and why it hurt so much. I had little support because my mother was not only going through pre menopause and menopause she was grieving her dad at the same time I was grieving my grandfather and my friend. I was at the point where I had no-one to turn to because every single person I had trusted in my life had shat on me. Where was I meant to turn? I still had family, but could or would they listen? I had friends who had gone through similar, but did I want to bother them with my problems? I ended up just shoving it deep down and when it came to 25 and I was trying to work out what was wrong with me and why I was so absolutely depressed and dissociating after a friends death, I realised why. I was using alcohol and cigarettes and occasionally drugs to suffice my grief, however this not only caused more issues, it created a subverse universe for me to live in so I did not have to deal with the present issue. This is completely unhealthy and it is not the universe of the present, which is where we create our own world and make choices for us, today. One of the biggest issues that I deem humans as a whole have is that we pay so much attention on the PAST, that we forget where we are, we forget what we are doing today, how we are living and the people around us, so we start to live a selfish world and live on a thin base of who we are. Anyone who may try to get into our barrier of PAST is going to have a hard time, there is no easy way to get in there, except SELF DISCOVERY. This is where we transform ourselves wholesomely, ACCEPTING our flaws, faults, our past, our mistakes and we admit and become aware of them so that we are not beating ourselves up about them, but purely knowing they exist and moving on. IF this is made possible, the present will present itself and you will feel HERE IN THE NOW. The future is another disastrous place to live, if you are trying to be present, thinking constantly about the future, worrying about the future, without considering the NOW will not work. You need to live in where we are now, accepting that the future may change, it may not stay exactly how you think it will and you could be pleasantly surprised if you learn how to create, choose and path your own future without worry. I do have an issue with medication because after using medication - anti depressants and valium for most of my teenage/20s I realised that it was the worst idea in the world. After a friend committed suicide I found it hard to wake up the grief was so hard to deal with, I was suspecting that I may have bipolar and decided to self diagnose myself. I was at the point where I did not want to be like my friend and wanted to get help. I made the effort to see a counsellor, who was great but she wanted to change up my diet, exercise regime and sleeping pattern before I had even dealt with any issues, this scared me and I did not go back. I fear this happens to a lot of people. I knew I still needed help, as I was going over and over in my head the same issues, failing uni subjects, missing my friend, drinking to cover the grief and problems and my Mum suggested I see her natural therapist. From one session - ended up in six sessions and I left with not only life changes, lifestyle changes, better choices, but I left with BUILDING BLOCKS to help myself when I started to backpedal, because something that counsellors forget to tell us is that we WILL relapse, depression, anxiety, alcohol dependency, drug dependency, whatever your dependency is to cover the issues, you WILL relapse, but it's about being aware of what was happening and how to take that big step over it and keep moving forward. So I started to see my natural therapist once a fortnight. I started to deal with some issues, some as small as being the ear for my parents bickering and being in the middle as I am a naturally empathetic person who just wants everyone to be happy, so I ended up being the KID who heard both sides. It was as simple as having to tell either parent that I was not willing to listen to them and they needed to bitch to each other and NOT TO ME. I started to realise why I had emotional attachments to certain moments in my life. Like when my Grandpa died, and I did not get to say goodbye, it shocked me because I had a special connection with my grandpa, but I had to conquer my fear of 'death' and the fear that surrounded that, because with fear came the emotional dependency on alcohol. I started to understand that for me to be able to get better I had to start a process that would then take months and months to get to a point, where I KNEW I could path my life without worry and concern and live in the present. It was a rocky path though. My boyfriend at the time and I were living in a sharehouse, I was trying to study but failing my subjects, after starting to deal with past issues, I was able to open up to my boyfriend about the experiences I had at the therapist and he chose to go too because at this time we were both experiencing spiritual openings and had no idea how to deal with it. We started on a journey together, where I started eating better on a diet that my therapist had given me and lost 15 kgs, not with setbacks though, I spent every week still hating exercise and getting back into the old food i used to eat, it was hard to keep that going. However this led to me being aware and setting myself back on track because i had stopped hating myself and started understanding it was OK to stuff up as long as I realise it and get back into it. Not only was I DETOXING from food, I was detoxing from everything I was dependent on, food, alcohol, cigarettes and BAD CHOICES. I started to learn that I can create what I want in this universe and even 2 years since my friend killed herself, 18 months since I first started seeing my therapist, my boyfriend, who found it hard to even get up in the morning, moved to Melbourne, works in a theatre there now, I stayed in Adelaide and learnt many many lessons still and am moving to Melbourne soon. We became engaged after he was moving, which was also a huge deal because that's not something taken lightly in his eyes. Our life has completely changed in such a positive sense. Even if we have a rocky day, week, month, we KNOW now that this is not how we want to feel, do, act and become aware and make changes, whether it be changes in the home, our diet, what we are drinking, how we are sleeping and make the choice to become present. Making changes in our life, so that we weren't living other people's lives or their idea of our life, was our first move. YOU need to deal with that grief to move on, it could be loss of job, loss of a relationship, loss of life, loss of a pet, loss of a friend/s that could cause the issue, but if they are causing you THIS MUCH PAIN, is it worth living in the past for them? Yes it is hard to move on, but with baby staps, AND NATURAL THERAPY (energy healing, reiki, a GOOD counsellor, crystal healing, grief counsellor) anyone who is happy to help you deal with what is plaguing you instead of dosing you up is where it's at in my opinion.