26 june 2013 at 1:49am lily beth allan..

I forgot to post!! I have been so busy! We had our baby girl on 26 june 2013 at 1:49am lily beth allan..she is incredible.

Dreams come true.

It was my dream,
To have you.
And now you grow everyday,
My dream came true.

And now…..I cant wait to meet you.

Xx

38 weeks - baby still in there!

Just had a nice hot bath and had a chat to lily. Letting her know whenever shes ready I am ready :)
I told her I can't wait to meet her and of course everyone else is excited too! Like her granny and grandpa (my parents) and her uncles and her daddy and her aunty loz and uncle jimmy! and when i mentioned my uncle and the page family i had this feeling of that she has met them before. it was super awesome. I love talking to her, shes my favourite everything :)
I honestly can't wait to meet her :)

Pregnancy is hard! :)

No matter how uncomfortable i am, the fact i get up 1000x to pee , my hips feel like chicken wishbones being pulled apart, i have a mad waddle going on, i have to huff and puff to do everything or how many times i just want it over.
I also feel so blessed that I have the ability to carry a child, i think how incredible this body of mine is, how incredible my bond has grown with my fiancé, how much it has changed us for the better, how amazing the reward will be and i forget all the shitty stuff, to me none of that matters.
I want to cherish every elbow jab, every hiccup, every squirm my baby does, because very soon I wont feel it anymore and what a special experience it is :) I’m bonding with my baby everyday, how beautiful :)

(For my) Parents.

You brought me into this world,
taught me everything I needed to know to survive.
It's amazing how close I feel to you,
That feeling, where you don't have to pretend,
that I feel so often with others.
Just being myself,
the highs and lows no longer matter,
you are proud of them both.
that for me is the best feeling in the world.

Your strength keeps me going,
and your words are my strength.
Your positive nature keeps me grounded,
and your energy is my thriving force.
Your nurture helps me grow,
and your hugs are my home.

You are the significant part of my life.
You shaped me, with allowing me to stray,
constant support, without asserting control.
Your guidance was second to none, and I am so thankful,
and now we have a closeness, that I'd only dreamed about.

Thankyou for your unconditional love xx

32 weeks - heading into 33 weeks!

This weekend my parents came over. Kane was working for 3 days straight over it so we just hung out. Thursday arvo they came over and I showed them what I had so far for the baby and they had brought over the change table and some other gifts I received at the baby shower. Dad put the  bouncer I got from my Aunty Wen together.  He also put the change table together and we went shopping. We ended up buying lots for the baby and me it was awesome I love my parents so much! We are so spoilt!

Just some photos from the weekend :)

31 weeks!

31 weeks tomorrow. These weeks are going quicker and quicker!
It blows my mind.
This week baby is the size of a pineapple.
I found something and edited it- to describe how we feel

---
Tied down. What an interesting metaphor. I told them we didn’t see it that way. Our child will not be rope to bind us, or a rock to weigh us down. This is lightness, release, liberty. Through this experience we've already felt a new found love, sharing life, inspiring and being inspired. Every day from the beginning has been a celebration, every moment a delight.

No one is the right age to be tied down. Humans are designed to be free. Are we too young to fly a kite, to float on clouds, to ride a magic carpet? Are we too young to laugh, to sing songs, to be in awe, to understand the truth as only a child can reveal it? No way. Life is too magical living inside our imaginations.

We’ve both experienced tied down, and this is the opposite. This is the amazement of life and we are proud to whatever has to come in the future.
---

tutors/lectuers who do my head in.

After 3 years at uni, I don't know if it's just social work tutors/lecturers, but I am SO sick of the odd tutor/lecturer who thinks we don't have a life outside of uni. The ones who expect you'll go to every single class no matter what (sometimes completely impossible) and really play the guilt trip when you can't make it, or don't even want to hear an excuse, they have already assumed you're just slack.

They are always the ones who don't like granting extensions, why have extensions if you don't want to grant any, EVER?

They always try to exert their power energetically to make you feel like you're never doing good enough, and yes THIS MAY work for some people (not actually sure who) it actually offers the complete opposite effect for me. It does not empower me, it does not make me want to go to class more, it does not make me feel positive, it makes me want to not go, to drop out and to never return because you make me feel so uncomfortable EVERY single class (and I am never the only one!)

Your words are contradictory and when the whole class feels the same way, you're not doing it right. You're there to teach, not be our mothers and boss us around or make us feel like we're not doing good enough, I'm pretty sure every single student is already self talking themselves with that nonsense!

The hardest part is I can see through the act and I can't say anything because if I did you'd just rationalise it to yourself and I'd be the one full of shit. I've seen your type too many times!

I have one of these this year, she was really rude to a girl whose Nan had died and she wanted an extension saying it's not a 'good enough excuse'. WOW just wow. How can someone teach about empathy? How can someone say not to exert power and work with narrative therapy? How can someone talk about engaging and LISTENING skills when they treat people like this?

She is the only tutor I haven't told I'm pregnant, because I feel so uncomfortable. Considering I've felt comfortable telling the other tutors plus students, I doubt it's just me feeling anxious.

You remind me of that psycho lecturer who rang my mobile one day just to tell me it was 'against university policy to walk out of a lecture' because I found her lecture to be completely useless and she was being nasty to students who asked questions. I realised I was being bullied and told another tutor, who told me no-one liked her - even the teaching staff and she'd be losing her 'internal' position next semester. HOW do these kinds of people get into educating ANYONE?

In a perfect world, these lecturers and tutors would understand the world does NOT revolve around just THEIR class and we have 1. Other things to do in our life, 2. Other subjects to study and write assignments for/attend and 3. We are not ALL making up excuses for extensions or days we can't attend, most of the time it's legit.

Hitting 31 weeks this week! Only 6 weeks til full term and 9 weeks til Estimated due date!

Pregnancy is weird.It does remind me a lot of what I was like when I was really depressed funnily enough - however the depression is different as I find personally pregnancy it’s just small spurts of anxiety and not really sadness, just little freakouts and backed up with OMG I GET TO MEET MY DAUGHTER!

Some days I have these overwhelming feelings like I JUST DONT WANT TO BE PREGNANT ANYMORE AGH I WANT TO FEEL NORMAL AND NOT LIKE A GIANT SWAMP MONSTER and some days I am just SO DAMN overjoyed that I get to meet my little girl in a few weeks and I love pregnancy, love my belly, love everything about it!

I think it doesn’t help my brain doesn’t function properly of course with baby brain etc and I am trying to write assignments. Everyday I go through the same 2 thoughts, WHY DID I SAY FULL TIME UNI IS A GOOD IDEA WHILST PREGNANT? then…..It’s only 5 more weeks, calm it down woman!
So many confusing thoughts.
I don’t even THINK about labor, or contractions, or the pain or anything. So many girls I see are freaked out about it all, but it honestly isn’t something that comes into my mind or plagues me. I’d LOVE to do a home birth next time, but I’m just not concerned, I think because I am VERY intuitive when it comes to how I feel and what I feel that I know I will be very low on stress as that’s just how I am, I’m fantastic at positive self talk!
I’m actually more worried about what the hell I’m going to eat for dinner because I AM SO RAVENOUS!
ahaha.
Pregnant life mate.
This week marks 31 weeks!
Hitting the third trimester milestone was ace, but I think hitting the 30’s is even better, I’m not noticing much difference except she is growing exponentially and I know between 28-30w my body was trying to adapt to more hormones and I was very emotionally rollercoastering, but otherwise I feel much better lately. Any symptoms I might have - headaches, exhaustion, trouble sleeping, frustration, even hip pain will last for a day and that’s it and I seem to bounce back pretty quickly. I’m noticing my hip is reaaaaally bad for a day (usually sat or sunday) and that must be the uterus pressure/baby growing as it gets better the next day. I just smother it with pain reliever cream and use a heatpack and make sure Im sitting comfortably and I wake up find the next day. Just have to remind myself to rest!

I can’t believe that in 6 weeks I am full term! So incredible! I will be making sure I have everything ready! I’ve got Mum & dad visiting not next weekend but the one after and they will be bringing up the change table and other bits and pieces I got from people at the baby shower. SO excited! That will make it all a little more real! We will also be getting a mattress for the cot so we can set it all up! I need to get some plastic containers for under the bed/cot too!
Some things I need to get for myself are some maternity pads and anything I want or need for Labor/after delivery. I’ve got a list but I don’t think there’s too much there, it’s just making sure my Ipad is charged and camera is ready to go plus clothes and uggboots :)
So really….I’ve got 2 assignments due this week, I’ve finished one and nearly finished the other….then it’s 2 assignments due early may and 3 assignments due at the end of may and that’s it. Thank goodness, I don’t know how long I can keep it up! It drains me so much! I don’t know how pregnant women work full time! I get 3 days off and I still find it so hard!
Cannot frikken wait :D

Things I’ve learnt from reading & researching from other mothers as a ftm;

Things I didn’t know before I got pregnant.
I need to understand my body will not produce milk from day 1 and it will provide colostrum, however the newborn does not need tons of milk to start with and it could be a trying time with being exhausted from labor+birth, but I need to understand it could be hard to get my baby to latch and not to be hard on myself.

I want to understand I am going to be exhausted because it’s all on me to feed and look after this tiny human at first.

I want to understand that it won’t be easy and that I will need to ask for help and support when I need.

I want to understand that my hormones will probably be going anywhere and everywhere after I give birth, as well as emotions, and could do for a while.

I want to understand that my baby will cry as they are learning as much as I’m learning, it may get hard but we will eventually work it out between ourselves.

I want to understand that I won’t be/feel 100% after birth and I will possibly be in pain (most likely) and bleed for weeks after giving birth.

I want to understand for myself personally, that birth can be as easy or as hard as I make it, I can stress less and keep the negative thoughts out no matter how bad the pain will get during the 4 stages of labor, and try to make it the natural experience it is for my body to be doing this. I need to make sure I go with all intuitions and feelings.

I want to understand that my birth may not go to plan and I need to be ready for anything! I want to understand it is my choice as to how I parent my child.
I think it’s important to understand these things - for myself & others who may feel this way;

I am not a failure if my boobs can’t/won’t breastfeed properly/don’t produce milk.

I am not a failure because I feel emotional/hormonal/down after birth as it sounds like a very overwhelming experience - including what could be hours of labor and birth.

I am not a failure because I feel nervous and am not sure what to do with a newborn, this will all come natural and I will get the hang of it.

I have aimed for my pregnancy experience to be positive and so far it has been positive. With small anxieties from the first trimester - mostly fear of miscarriage due to stress at the time, and other anxieties in the second trimester due to moving house/starting uni/little fights with Kane from my hormonal switch and irritability-  I feel in the third trimester I am ready to take this head on!

I am HOPING there will be the ability for a water birth (fingers crossed) as that feels more right than ever, however if not  (I don’t know as I haven’t even had that conversation with my obs/midwife & haven’t toured the hospital yet) I will be happy either way!

I am happy for the baby to come when she is ready even if I am uncomfortable and I am hoping for a safe and natural birth without painkillers or epidural, because I do wholeheartedly believe my body can do this completely naturally as my body is ready for this, it is meant for this and I know I can do this!
If it all changes in the process, I just ultimately hope my baby is healthy and I can’t wait to meet her :)
I’m 30 weeks pregnant this week.
My countdown so far…..milestones I am looking forward to;
April 8 - Back to uni - off holidays - only 6 weeks to go!
April 25 - Parents visiting Melbourne for the weekend & bringing us lots of baby stuff :)
May 24 - Finish Uni for the semester! - I get to rest & get ready for her arrival yay!
May 29 - Reached full term! 37 weeks pregnant!
.and then… nest! & …Wait for the arrival of Lily Beth :)

28 weeks - third trimester update :)

This week! Have hit the third trimester running……not really, mostly sleeping :) Really on the home stretch now!

I’ve slept in the last couple days, have NOT felt like doing much, especially in the morning. I get more energy in the afternoon it seems. Brutal. Constipated as hell so have to sort that one out, because….in one word…OUCH! Bubs is rolling around so much in my belly it’s great, we’ve seen how lopsided she gets at times, it cracks us up, she is sitting really high. I’ve noticed my right ribs side hurts a fair bit when i try to sleep on my side and I’ve actually been laying a bit on my back when that happens….not sure if it’s baby bits or just crushed organs. I’ve had some Braxton Hicks this week, they are interesting. Not extremely terrible, but usually happen at night after I eat.

Looking forward to going to the obstetrician on 11th April as I’ve talked Kane into having a day off to come so he can hear the heartbeat again. Also going to book us in for a prep for childbirth/child class for the near future. Looking forward to my friends coming over this weekend from Adelaide :)

Life is magical & amazing, even when I have no energy & the baby does weird jerky kicks I am still so blessed to have experienced this and I can’t wait to meet my little girl :)
So many milestones come up for me in the next couple weeks!
My friends visit this weekend, then I’m on a weeks uni holidays which will be spent chilling & writing assignments & attending the OBS appt, then my parents drop by for the weekend - driving all the baby gear from the baby shower up end of April, then we hit the final weeks of pregnancy & the end of uni at the end of May, then JUNE! - Bubs’s EDD & my birthday :)
Countdown to the baby is go! 9 weeks til full term & 12 weeks til EDD :)

The Empath life.

It's tiring being an empath and being able to hear what people are thinking and feel what they are feeling. Energy of others can be really important to how we react/think/feel ourselves.I can often feel how someone else is feeling even a complete stranger, or I get a string of events in pictures in my head, or a story/backstory of a soul or a person, without even knowing them. The worst is the people I do know, when my partner is in a foul mood energetically it really effects me. It can really mess up my energy, no matter how good and send me in a spin, because Im not expecting it. I am so sensitive to energies everywhere that sometimes it's really hard to deflect them, but in that way I am meant to feel them because it can teach me something.

 It's also something you can switch off, but for me it's either switch it completely off or completely on and I do like to know I'm still connected to whatever force is driving it. I also have dreams that are psychic or futuristic. These happen all the time and can often tell me what will happen in my future or something I need to know. These dreams are the ones I ALWAYS remember. There's NO forgetting them and there's a definitive knowing of what is important and what isn't when it comes to dreams for me now. There are times I can hear what my partner is thinking. Sometimes it is us laying in bed and I can hear the thoughts looping over in his head. An example is when he was starting a new job he was freaking out about it, I could feel/hear his mind looping over the thoughts that he hopes he will be good enough and do a good job.

I often don't even tell him I can feel/hear it and I will just give him a hug. Sometimes the energy is like a hurricane and he is looping thoughts over so much it just drives me insane and I get upset and even I can't communicate how I'm feeling about it. It can be really hard, but I ALWAYS know what's going on, it's kind of creepy. It helps in fights though, if he is being stubborn and is saying I'm being attacking or having a go at him, I can be like 'Ok just stand there, concentrate and how is your energy right now?' and he will often be like......'really chaotic, shit I'm sorry' and he will realise that he is in fact the one who was being the attacking person without realising, however taking it as a defensive position so he felt better about himself at a time when he felt negative and unworthy for whatever reason. It's interesting because he often doesn't realise how huge his energy actually is and I have to remind him all the time how damn infectious his energy can be. It can really play into how we interact, if I feel he is off, sometimes I will ask him what's up?

Sometimes I just don't have the energy myself to get into it, and sometimes I know I have to let it go until he realises. I am always able to get direction which helps. He internalises so much that it can make it really hard to get him to externalise, however being able to read him helps so much with that, because most of the time I can be like 'Ok so this is exactly what you are thinking and feeling and you need to get more confidence and love yourself more and not feel so weak willed' or something like that. He has behavioural patterns which are really easy to read too, and even cognitive patterns like catastrophic thoughts or unconscious thoughts that are occurring and he doesn't even know. We don't fight often, but when we do it's because we are really off the same energy fields and we are grating against each other. Externalising communication helps, which of course is something I've had to teach him, since it wasn't something he learnt at home.
Sometimes I can feel/think through photos too. I can see a photo and know what has happened to that person/hear their story through a message/see images that represent where they've been/where their soul has been.
Sometimes I can just feel it from energy. I had a lady come and sit next to me at uni and I could feel her 'knowing it all' energy but there was also an insecurity there. So she was shoving this egotistic energy of knowing everything and really what is she there for, she knows everything! energy but that was just to cover up the energy which was more of 'holy shit how am I going to do this in a career?' It's much more interesting when you can do it with a complete stranger, because it honestly becomes so second nature that you forget it's happening, until you feel it from someone you don't know at all and then you're like, wow that's incredible.

Being connected to the spiritual world is a fascinating one, sometimes really hard to work out whether you are just crazy, but most of the time, especially when you have friends who are also spiritual who can identify the same things that you can, you realise that you are just naturally psychic. I have a few friends now who I have become in contact with some way or another and it's so great to be able to talk about that stuff and not feel subjected to feeling like you have to internalise it all. I am lucky though because my Mum is also very spiritual so that has been interesting.

When my grandma was passing away in July, my mum and I had a huge spiritual connection. We both felt the same things on different days, Grandma was really sick and they couldn't do surgery as she was too old and frail so she went into palliative care, where they inject you with painkillers so you slowly pass away peacefully and pain free. It took Grandma 6 days to pass away slowly, and she passed away on the exact same day Grandpa did 13 years earlier, their funeral was on the same day and time and at the same place too.

We both felt my Grandpa there at different times in the room, we felt her son who was a stillbirth in the room at different times. i was able to pass on information of what stage of passing away Grandma was at. At one point she was moving her feet laying in bed and I was able to pass on that she was walking. Another friend of Mums whose father had passed away in palliative care had actually experienced her dad speaking the whole way through the painkillers and the passing. So at every point he got to 'walking' he spoke to a different person and whilst laying in the hospital bed slowly dying they could hear his conversations! Absolutely incredible stuff!

We also had a moment one morning where my mum was getting ready to go down to the hospital and I had woken up as I heard her up. She was mumbling to herself about what cd to get. I asked her what was up and she said she started brushing her teeth and she said my grandpa was bugging her to get a certain cd (my grandpa died july 1999) and I was laughing at her because she kept saying 'Can i finish brushing my teeth first please?' I could feel him bugging her and he was telling her what crystals to take to the hospital to help grandma pass easily and energetically. It was an amazing moment where we both felt/heard him. Mum had shut him out since he died, but he found his way back in when he needed to!

Through ideologies ...

Through ideologies that the 'normal social order' lives by, it becomes more and more clear everyday, I live to push everything that may seem normal to others. Learning today about how some academics, including Foucault and Kuhn talk about the 'paradigm shifts' and certain 'eureka' moments where you suddenly have a new idea or breakthrough, but they choose not to touch the area of 'HOW' this happens.
Interesting that this is still something that stays put when it comes to theories, but in the end I do believe it's to do with INTUITION and in the end how measurable is intuition? A gut feeling, something that you FEEL? I even brought intuition up, as it's something that I use daily to structure a happiness in my life and it was agreed by everyone that it's really interesting as to why they hadn't researched further and just let it be that these moments will happen and that paradigm shifting is just something that occurs without the complete academic understanding or knowledge (and they thought they knew everything?) I really love that this is becoming an ideology that underpins Social Work taught at university, that it's not just theory and practice, AND the reminder that it WILL take time to build up your skills and 'find your place', also push for change, push for challenge, push against a social order, because if you don't, how do we have new theories, new practices? Instead of JUST spending our time IDOLISING the start of post modern views/theories.

Just ranting because I can

Reflecting a lot lately, which comes with a couple shifts.
I really realise a few things about why Kane and I are where we are today.

I experienced a lecturer speaking of how we really haven't changed from the 1800's to now 2013- mostly on the topic of radicalism and change and how we STILL in this day and age fear change and if you want to push change or challenge others with different ideals/values/beliefs it is STILL seen as a radical view just because it's different to a social 'norm' construct.

The amount of times that Kane & I have a long reflective/intuitive conversation/vent and then how often it futuristically (possibly not even a word) becomes truth is becoming more and more obvious in day to day life. It's so incredible how we see the world now (compared to when we first met) and how everything seems to fall into place without much except self belief and value....which then creates an action we aren't physically in control of. It definitely helps increase in happiness and appreciation for everything in life, however in the end we can only be thankful to ourselves for the confidence we assume, and radiate, because without that we'd probably still be in Adelaide bumming around with no goals, hopes or dreams cemented and actually enjoyable in life.

I absolutely LOVE my new university so far, it's MUCH more interactive and informative than any lecture/lecturer tutorial/tutor I had at UniSA - with exception of one class I did enjoy whilst there. There is MUCH less confusion and MUCH more understanding of students and what we are there for and what we NEED to learn to construct what SOCIAL WORK is for US and how different it can be for everyone, since we will all go into different career paths and all have different cultures, religions, social constructs, values, beliefs, hopes and dreams to each other. I did NOT find that in the 3 years I spent at UniSA. They were sensitive to different 'people' but very little flexibility to what was taught and how it was taught and I found it to be MUCH more structurall/regimented/institutionally based, without ANY ability to move or talk about anything other than the coursework.

Also with Kane's confidence, self belief and realisations of his past work all being completely credible to what work he can do in Melbourne, already in LESS than a year - he had landed two theatre roles, and when they ended in the last 5 weeks, he has since acquired 2 casual jobs in a similar industry and had another call for a possible full time role yesterday, which would feed so many sides of creative levels, so fingers crossed on that one!

Without the move we have made, we don't believe we would have grown to the extent we have, it would have been hard to be happy with what we had as we both thrive on challenges in life and change to motivate us. Kane would definitely not have had the same positivity surrounding him with employment, as he was trying to get into these exact roles for 3 years in Adelaide, and without the challenge of the move, us being apart for 9 months, being away from family and friends and having to create his own contacts and start 'new', neither of us would be where we are today.

We got some flack for wanting to move, because for some reason people seem to defend Adelaide, like moving interstate was such a bad thing? Like we were abandoning people/Adelaide etc - yet for 3 years finding work was impossible for Kane in the industry he was happy in, that he should have just worked any job he got because well other people do that right? The defending of the music culture in Adelaide was another common conversation, which is another thing that his life revolves around, is so different here, with MUCH more variety and a population that enjoys the more 'niche' genres and music that he creates/enjoys. There are many things we moved here for and even now going back to Adelaide, we both just don't have the same inspiration or energy we feel in Melbourne and OF COURSE it is different for everyone. YOU may be happy in Adelaide, but we weren't, why can't people just accept that and move on? Why would our 'friends' try to keep us in a city that no longer works for us on so many levels? It definitely baffled me. Moving here has been sublime! I ended up just having to walk away, but I never did understand the thinking behind it.

Kane & I aren't the kind of people who went from high school to university, we didn't buy a house, we didn't buy a car, we didn't get married before we decided to have a child, we have worked in possibly the most backwards way in life, HOWEVER we would both agree wholeheartedly that for us, we had to experience what we did, learn those lessons before we could 1. stumble across each other 2. grow in our relationship 3. grow individually and 4. keep a level of humble and happy attitude. I really don't think we'd be where we are now, if we had not bloomed later than most and learnt those things earlier on in life. but you know what? We've got there in the end and we are happy enough with that! Of course there's NOTHING wrong with doing the opposite to what we've experienced, but personally for both of us, it would not have worked.

After reflecting enough for today, I do believe, you need to constantly challenge yourself and if you want those around you so you are constantly moving into different directions. If you stay stagnant, you will become bitter, cynical and fearful of any change and this will impact on all happiness and enjoyment of life. Life is about making decisions, choices, challenges, different experiences, failures, flaws, pasts, presents, futures, fears and without living for every day as it is, and loving ourselves, we really are missing out on the more content path where life will flow much more and positively.

It really makes me how social 'norm' constructed we are not and how okay we are with that.

Guided meditation & chakras are soooo good!

So I havent done a guided meditation for a while. I really don't often feel I need it, as pregnancy often keeps me balanced, but how wrong I was!

I started tuning into some meditation frequencys to see what areas weren't working too well as I have been feeling extremely low and fatigued the last two days due to a shift. I feared that if I didn't do something to clear my dense energy I wouldn't even get to uni today as I am SO incredibly exhausted!

I started with my root chakra, which I instantly felt my bones easing and my body cracking and feeling more at ease, it was very clear that needed some clearing. I then went into the scaral chakra, which didn't need as much work, but the solar plexus! Wow what a change, I could feel my tummy get an icky feeling which was soon relieved, it's amazing how much I forget I still do need to do these meditations to keep myself cleared.
Next was the heart chakra, This area is always one of my strongest and didn't feel like it needed much work but I will still work on it for a while.

26 weeks!

26 weeks this week!
So many awesome moments for this week!
2 weeks off third trimester, first obstetrician appt, DOWN to double digits of countdown to 99 days tomorrow!
So we have 14 weeks left!
10 weeks til the end of uni, then I'll be able to concentrate on the end of the pregnancy thank goodness.
Uni is becoming tiring, I can deal with it because to be honest study doesn't drain me THAT much and I am loving Victoria university and loving the subjects I'm doing, but I do get to the point where my ankles hurt from swelling up so much!
and the heat is killing me at the moment as we only have 2 fans in our house and no airconditioning.

Life is amazing though, ups and downs or not, it's still incredible!

We've hit 25 weeks pregnant!

It's a girl :)

Having fun with pics for 21 weeks :):)

21 weeks ultrasound!

21 weeks!

Last night when I felt the bub move around inside I went in and told Kane, he was so incredibly excited, his eyes lit up and he wouldn’t stop putting his hands on my belly. He kept grinning because he was imaging the baby doing somersaults in there! At night when he cuddles me and puts his hands on there and softly caresses my belly, is the nicest closest moment we could ever have. It makes me get all giddy because I love him so much and it is changing him. Making him much more emotional and loving and its the most beautiful moment. I cant wait til the baby starts kicking more frequently and harder, he is going to love it! I wasn’t sure how much he would connect at this point but he is beautiful and so connected. He always makes sure Im comfortable, he is so considerate and caring. I let him play video games when he’s not working (i used to get annoyed) because once the baby comes he may not have as much time to do that. I love that this baby has brought us closer together if that was even possible since being apart for 8 months made us so much closer. It makes me even more excited to one day be his wife and spend this lifetime journey together :):)

Entering 21 weeks :)

Pregnancy anxiety worries and fears.

I wanted to wrote a blog on pregnancy anxieties and fears and worries that may come up and how to curb them.
As it seemed evidently clear yesterday with the midwife, that some people really do experience some adverse effects to the hormones during pregnancy. I am one of the lucky ones who gets to experience the hormones on a happy note. Of course I get down at times and anxious at the thought of actually having to be complete care for a little one but am mostly excited for it!

I think my best tips for anxiety or stress during pregnancy;

Theres no point letting yourself get to the point where you can't breathe and have panic attacks, it's not healthy for you or the baby. My mum said it perfectly to me one day 'Think of how it feels for you, a times that by 10'. She's right.
So now everytime I get upset, nervous, anxious I try to deal with it straight away so that Im not stressing the baby out too.

Breathing is a great way to calm yourself down, become aware of your breathing pattern, how fast you are breathing. Literally stop and sit and take deep breaths.

Drink some water, sometimes I become shaky when I have too much sugar.

Understand that your thoughts are COMPLETELY NORMAL, most other pregnant women do have the same thoughts at some point. One thing that has helped me, is I joined a forum on the internet for mums to be. It can be sad, happy, frustrating as you are dealing with other people opinions you may not agree with but every now and then its great to get support and give it, and of course realise that everyone feels the same way. When I was having problems with my sleeping pattern, increased appetite and fatigue everyone around the same weeks pregnant as me was feeling the same. It can be informative as well.

One thing that has helped me surpass my panic attacks and anxiety a fair bit (about 99%) I only get anxiety now in very small splurts, is meditation. Now I don't mean meditation in the sense of how we see it in movies, on tv, or how others think you should meditate. I do believe that everyone has their own way of meditation. Yes some people do prefer to sit on a giant pillow with their legs crossed, personally I can't do that. To me meditation is a bit of a ritual, so when Im ready to go to sleep at night, I have a ritual/routine that helps me relax.

The first thing I do is make sure the room is clean of clutter. Nothing worse than a floordrobe. I have a couple pictures I've pastel coloured on the floor and some odd junk, but as long as the room is appeasing to my energy Im happy, mostly I like to put clothes away and tidy it up to my happiness.

I like to make sure my quilt is on the bed properly and looks appeasing once again to my energy.

I have a Himilayan salt lamp that I turn on as it helps dispel negative energies, I wish I could leave it on 24/7!

I then get my incense holder and light some incense or some sage, either is good to settle any nerves, anxiety, fears or worries, it completely cleanses my meditative 'palette' and helps me get ready to relax.

I have a favourite music that helps me calm down and relax, Deva Premal, I have a couple of her albums on my ipad are 'The essence' and 'Embrace' and I put one of them on, it's is beautiful and enchanting music.

I prefer to meditate before I go to bed because more often than not my best time to astrally project or connect spiritually with myself/other beings or even just relaxing and calming myself, more often than now I fall asleep, so it's the best time for me.

If you have a really good sized bath, it's also good to meditate in the bath. Put some soothing tunes on, I always get 4 tealights and light them and put one on each corner of the bath, light some incense and relax. This is also an amazing way to relax, especially while pregnant!

However my partner is more into the magick side of things and he meditates completely differently. He also uses incense and a nice energetic room, but he does it anytime of the day, so it really is about finding what's GOOD FOR YOU!

My partner at first was trying to do things that had helped me but it really showed he had to find his own personal touch for meditation. Eating a good diet and drinking plenty of water is great for meditation too. It is good to keep yourself at a high vibration with lots of fruit and veges instead of majority of your diet being processed foods as that won't help your energy be calm and relaxed.

As a pregnant woman, keeping to these methods has really helped when I have pains like ligament pains or small cramps or just feeling overall shit which happens a fair bit!

Just some ideas on how to stay relaxed and present and still, instead of worrying about every little thing that has happened or might happen.

I understand I am extremely lucky having stayed low risk at the moment, but these are just some handy hints that may help at times when it all seems so bleak xx

20 weeks halfway!

So we had the midwife appt today. Measuring was all fine, edd is good, getting some blood tests and the glucose test when i book it and shes trying to get an ultrasound before i head to adelaide. Also got to listen to the babys heartbeat and it did some swift kicks too haha kane loved it, he wants to get a fetal doppler to sample for music, typical musician. Absolutely loving this journey. Kane sat tonight and kissed my belly and gave it some rubs, it's the sweetest thing. He is adorable! I've been feeling more thuds today/tonight too :) Finally at the 20 week halfway mark :D I have to get a whole lot of blood tests done and a glucose test which will be interesting. Also waiting for uni transfer details.

Melbourne

Talking to my fiance on the way home from our dinner and movie and we have both become so chilled and content and settled. We came from a hometown that was just energetically draining, so many draining people around us, we still see these people draining others and being hateful of others and themselves. We are so glad we took this change, yes moving interstate is difficult, i wont have my parents as much (but i do like that too) and it has made his parents much more loving, emotional and caring. His mum sent me a giant email tonight and it was the sweetest thing ever. Shes not usually like that, this baby is going to change all of our lives and make us all a bit more content. My parents are the absolute best, i cant believe how amazing they are and how supportive they are.

We love them but we prefer being here and we feel more settled here and I still talk to my best friend every day and thats why the internet exists!!!

In the end, our choice was the best choice, we have our own space and we love it. Just us and no bullshit anymore. No draining people around us, no lies, no secrets, its just us and a few people we have met through work or music. Its honestly what we needed. And bringing up a child here? Cant wait!!!!

how we began...

I love looking back on how we began. Was reflecting with my fiancé about the last 4 years as it feels like so much longer, we have conquered so much in that time.
Before we met we were living individual messy lives. I had lived in perth for 3 years, studying my dip of event management and working at david jones and he had been a graphic designer for 6 years having some of the best drugs in Adelaide.
I came home to Adelaide for a couple reasons. 1 was I had finished my diploma the other was my best friend and housemate got pregnant and they had to move into her mums to save money. I moved back to my parents, started withdrawing off alcohol as by then I had a massive breakdown in Perth and had stopped drinking in the November, moving back to Adelaide in the December.
I honestly spent those months just staying inside, seeing the gp, seeing my psych, trying to dream up goals. Adelaide was the worst city to be in if I was going to try get an event management position so I decided Id study at uni. I had thought since I had been through so much with depression , alcoholism and anxiety that Id like to help others, so I chose the Social work degree.
I had not been out in Adelaide to a pub or club since I arrived, so when my best friend invited me out with his girlfriend at the time, I thought why not?
So this was feb, and I ended up having a couple drinks as my anxiety was going through the roof.I went to this cool new club called Rvm. I hung out for a bit there, being my loud self and that night I met a few people, one being Kane. Now I was not instantly attracted to him at all. He had long hair and this disgusting goatee thing sticking out of his chin. The only thing that interested me was he had a frenzal rhomb t shirt on and they were one of my all time favourite band and tbh most people who love fr are in fact awesome people!
I did have a liking for him though as I did chat to him throughout the night, from which he remembers me yelling that I hate anime, which is something I still say haha anyway I caught the bus home.
Now this is before facebook was something people were on, its time when msn was still awesome and used alot, its before twitter or tumblr even! My best friends gf said to me he wanted to chat to me could she give him my email, I was like yeah thats cool.
So after chatting to him for a while, like on and off all the time, we would chat during the day, at night, we were obsessed, thought each other was funny, Im pretty sure i sent him like every single photo that existed of me… Man i was insecure! And I actually found out eventually that he lived in the next suburb over with his parents. He asked me to go over, I was really unsure because I had been with alot of assholes who just wanted sex and was really nervous. I remember I had orange hair because I was bleaching it. Im totally gonna put a photo up of it, it was so bad.
Well i caught my bus to his place as it was only one bus, so convenient !! He had told me he was interested in event management so I took my books….hah. Lies! He wanted to get laid! Cheeky shit!
He met me halfway down the street as I had no idea where I was going and gave me a big hug when he saw me, at the time it creeped me out, now it doesn’t surprise me, he’s so friendly like that!
Kane lived in the attic of his parents house. So i went up to the attic, honestly thinking fuck this guys going to chop me up!! He had the worst long hair and that gross goatee thing but for some reason I liked him. It was so weird because tbh I was not at that time necessarily attracted to him. But i could tell he had a kind heart.
After chatting for a while he went in for a kiss suddenly and we bumped teeth! It was hilarious, but i reciprocated and then INVITED HIM FOR DINNER. Whattt? I didn’t know what i was doing hahahaha i seriously never did that, with guys in the past i usually hid them since i was back at my parents, how awkward!! But he came! Now i know Kane it doesn’t surprise me, wherever food is, Kane is. Lol
So he came over for dinner and awkwardly we watched movies on my laptop in my room. He took his pants off….and i was thinking wtf dude when are u going home?? Dad even knocked on my door and said “hes not staying here” and mum told him to shuttup. Id been living in perth for 3 years and i was 24 hahaha. Oh dad!
But after that night I had no idea how to even communicate with him about what was going on. i remember once on msn asking him whats going on with us? And him saying….i dont want to fuck you around. And i remember saying back….mate im so fucked in the head, we may as well see how it goes and we just never stopped….it was hard at first because he was really bad at communicating….i remember it being super confusing and frustrating. But we started technically going out eventually.
He stayed over that night, tried everything he could to have sex but i told him no. I was not going to be another notch on his belt (not actually knowing he was totally not like that)
But it never ended. We kept seeing each other, mostly me going over his house, his house was closer to the city so id often stay over there before work or uni. We started to meet in the city at his work and just spent more time together. I hated going to his house, the stairs to the attic where he and his brother slept were really unsafe and I didn’t like his dad much.
Kane moved out pretty soon after. He didn’t have work at the time but he decided it was time. Thank goodness because the day he moved out i fell on those fucking stairs!
We didn’t live together for another year or so when we decided we were ready. Kane had a lot of problems trying to find work, because the company he worked for went bust. We were running a club night, (the one we met at we ended up running) volunteer so that was good. I was still doing uni but after I fell down the stairs it started becoming difficult, that really fucked my Pelvis and back up. It actually moved my pelvis a little in the xrays :/ but there was nothing they could do. 3 years on and its much better after acupuncture i just cant sit for too long or it starts to twitch and hurt.
So we moved in together with my brother as well. We had a couple housemates in that place. We had our first cats, charlie and azami. That house i studied, Kane did some work, cleaning and graphic work, and we fought a lot. Mostly because he couldn’t show emotions and i couldn’t communicate. But we always sorted shit out. One of our friends killed herself around that time, in october 2010 that was horrible. that was the hardest time. It really made us realise how depressed we actually were and that we didn’t want to stay that way. We both started seeing a counsellor.
After that lease was up we moved house. Charlie got hit by a car and Azami ran away so sad. They were such amazing cats! We experienced life differently in this house. We had a 4 bedroom place to play with, good for storage! We were starting to run more shows in Adelaide. It was fun. We drank a lot though and that wasn’t good in the end.
We started experiencing spiritual happenings after beth died. Kane had visions of her in the house while he was asleep. I had experiences that were just weird . Now im used to them but then i was very freaked out!
June 2011 i had got to the point where i had a massive self crisis and shaved my head. But i also started seeing an energy healer. I started seeing lyn and she changed my life. Not only did she help my energy but she helped me talk out a lot of issues i had, like my weight and childhood issues that still bugged me after 12 years, like my grandpas death. Kane also started seeing her and realised how spiritual he actually is, and how special he is energetically. Lyn changed our life. I started exercising and lost 15 kgs it was so powerful, for me and others around me. We also were asked to look after a cat, boogers, who was pregnant. We looked after the kittens when they were born, giving 2 away and keeping 2. They were very maine coon lookalikes with amazing personalities. Milkychin and tiggy were beautiful. (Were because they passed away :( )
Around christmas Kane and i were talking about what to keep doing with our life. I had studied and worked full time at the end of the semester and he still could not find work and was constantly becoming depressed by it. I was supporting us and he hated it, I didn’t mind, he had supported me at times too. I told him if he decides to move to Melbourne, which was his idea, then he has to put a eing on it. So he did. We became engaged and had an engagement party in April :)
In feb 2012 Kane’s ex gf died, in the same friendship as our friend beth who killed herself in october 2010. It was an even bigger reminder to start living our lives.
By the time march came we had decided he would try get work in Melbourne, even if i had to stay in Adelaide to finish my uni year. So we did that. Kane moved to Melbourne in the April and started work on Moonshadow. I found a new house, new housemate and found myself lost. Wow I’ve never been so fucked up without him around. Because I was working, I was drinking a lot. I was studying still but went out heaps because being alone was WEIRD!!
I felt like I couldn’t be alive without him. You know you’ve got a life partner when that happens. I went over there and stayed in hotels (the fun part) he came to Adelaide and hated being back. My grandma died in July and he came back for one day to be at her funeral, even took a day off work which they aren’t meant to do. But there was always something beautiful about Kane and my grandmas relationship, even though she had terrible dementia, she always remembered him. It was amazing.
I went through housemates, because one had a huge party and let people use my bedding (wtf) and the others were just horrible, dirty, lazy so I chose to finish my lease in November and moved to Melbourne in December. I missed just living with him. He had housemate issues too, his first house lasting 2 months because they were insane and yelling at him and playing music late at night when he worked 6 days a week. The second housemate of his wasn’t too bad but i found him really weird. I missed just us two living together :(
But the best thing out of it all was, the moment when we chose we wanted to be parents. I remember being really sad about my grandma when he was over for the funeral and we had sex and he said he felt then that he was meant to try to conceive. Very intense moment. We have no idea why. One thing Kane never wanted was to be married or have kids, funny that. Until he met me of course. We were together for one night before he flew back and the experience of being away from each other was incredible. But it wasn’t until august when we were laying on his bed one night and we were talking about it, we actually had a fight about it because he kept saying he wouldn’t be a good dad, and i was getting really pissed off because I KNOW he would be a perfect dad! He is silly, fun. Immature but mature, he is kind and thoughtful and has a beautiful soul with a little bit of weird musician and amazing artist tucked in there. He is such a creative person, he’d be the best dad. Anyway we had a bit of a tiff and that ended up with us having sex haha but the thing was he actually tried, he came in me. I didn’t even expect him to do that, he said he actually felt like he was meant to do it in july when he s in Adelaide and felt like he missed the chance. I was like holy fuck that just happened, so from then on we tried. So we weren’t even living in the same state, but we knew id be moving over in December. It just felt right. Afterwards too (creepy as it sounds) as we were falling asleep i felt my grandma around, like i never ever felt her around, but it was like it was all meant to be.
So i got a bit of a period in september, and was like damn! And then i ended up going over to Melbourne completely off the cuff because I drove over with my friends. So i stayed there for another week, totally unplanned. But we tried again and that seems to have worked. Obviously since I am now 19 weeks pregnant!
Wow what an amazing time it has been. Ive had to pack up a house, break a lease, move into my parents, stay there a month whilst feeling like death! Find a house in Melbourne, pack my stuff at mums, organise a removalist and move to Melbourne, all whilst pregnant and feeling like shit! But I did it. And life is simply amazing. i could not imagine, not being pregnant, not living with Kane but am really grateful foe that 8 months apart, we needed it to rekindle how we felt. Cus i was damn crazy without him around!!!! He is much more together with me around too, we ground each others energies. From the boy I met, to the man I couldn’t live without, I cant wait to have his baby, be his wife and him be mine forever.
We both had really crap times before we met each other, we substance abused, he smoked weed from 13,experienced psychosis, was diagnosed with all these issues like ocd, schizophrenia, anxiety and in the end, he just needed someone who believed in him, talked to him when he was down and listened, gave advice. All i needed was someone to truly love me, talk to me, share my heart and soul and talk to forever. Id never met anyone who was truly interested in me and gave a shit. He is so proud of me and Im so proud of him.
We both feel down every now and then but never like we used to. Life is different now. We are able to be aware of the changes we need to make to be happy and make them.
Im 28 this year, our bub is due 19 june and my birthday is 30 june :) i love this year already. Im trying to get a transfer together atm for uni so i can study in this semester. Kane’s been working on gigs, bdo today who knows what else will come his way. We are in our own place and happy :) food things come to those who are patient.
I cant believe that in less than 2 weeks it will be our 4 year anniversary. Funny thing is, its on valentines day and I’m flying to Adelaide to see my family and go to a wedding haha doesn’t matter we will do something beforehand. We don’t really celebrate those dates anyway. But 4 years? Feels like much much much longer!! And we will forever see frenzal rhomb. Hahaha our fav band ever!

Depression and what you can do to help yourself

This is a really intense issue for me as I had dealt with mental illness and suicidal thoughts for 12 years and I don't take it lightly anymore after experiencing the long term effects of anti depressants over this time. The best thing I ever did was get off the 'depressants' in my life like alcohol that caused my brain chemistry to hit an all time low. I wish people would understand anti depressants properly. Anti depressants are STILL an unknown drug. Unknown of how it will effect different people, how it will create more issues than you ever had before, how it leaves a long lasting effect after use. These kind of pharmaceuticals are not FIXING anything, if anything they are CAUSING more issues by covering up the problem. Once upon a time I thought these were going to help more than anything, but I was blind to the facts that it is too much of an UNKNOWN ideal to just be giving them out to anyone who states to a GP they are 'depressed'. The first anti depressant I was given was Zoloft.. I felt worse than I ever have, those were dark days, I cried for a week straight, not even knowing why. I had to 'try a few' to see what effects they'd take, in the meantime I was afraid of what I'd do to myself. Does this sound okay to you? To trial these medications, in case one works, however you MAY kill yourself in the meantime? Going off and on these medications can only equal the worst possible scenario.

There are so many OTHER alternatives, and I know some would scoff at it, but cutting down/going off ALCOHOL, cutting down/going off other prescription drugs, eating healthier, drinking less caffeine/sugar/energy drinks, dealing with past/present/future issues/thoughts that may cause worry and stress. Remember, you are depressed because you have an inability to deal with problems and internalise them, it is not your fault, it is usually a product of our childhood with a lack of communication, but you CAN do something about it. The most IMPORTANT thing to remember is, YOU are not MEANT to be happy ALL the time! We all have our ups and downs, it's how we deal with the downs that makes the difference. Yes depression isn't just 'being down' but there are things you can do so you don't get down there again. Trust me, I've been there and I changed my life, trusting in myself, loving myself and stopping the denial and justifications that make living in that world okay. Anti depressants are NOT the answer, even if they create an OK time at the start....you will STILL NOT deal with the issues, you will STILL have long lasting effects and they will not make everything better and your depression go away, short term effect is not what is effective.

I still to this day have no idea how these doctors even diagnose anything. To psychologists, I have manic depression, ADD, Anxiety disorder and have experienced temporary agoraphobia. Right now? I'd say the only thing I'd moderately agree with is I might still be a little hypo that I can't control at times with the ADD. I do have anxiety sometimes, but I breathe myself back and help myself, instead of dooming myself further.

If Kane went with his diagnosis's he has had from psychologists, he'd have Schizophrenia, OCD, Bipolar disorder, Stress related psychosis and Autism. It seems as soon as you mention you may have some of the symptoms of these disorders, straight away that's it, that's who you are. YOU BECOME THE DISORDER.

NO doubt some people do experience chemical imbalances and do have certain disorders and do need medications to survive, however even from spending time with those kinds of people, I do believe that from better care taken of self - including what they eat, how they treat themselves, routine and sleeping patterns, they can live without medication, I've seen it happen. What are these pharmaceuticals doing? They are creating YOU as the problem with NO solution. Take this pill it will make you better. IT DOESN'T. When I was dissociating, the only thing that made me better was being true to myself, dealing with the issues that plagued, once deconstructed seemed so trivial, but had effected me for 12-15 years. That's a long time to hate yourself. I finally had relief, because I began to love myself and take care of myself. I saw myself as important and necessary to be here.

I wouldn't even bother writing this if I hadn't been through it so many times in my life. But I am proof you CAN get through to the other side and depression DOESN'T have to take your life over forever. I also know what it's like to live in severe denial where you can't see any other way but living in that deep dark hole. It doesn't have to be forever. It just doesn't!

No-one can help you with your mental illness/mental health more than yourself. Your communication with others and your communication with yourself. Love yourself, treat yourself better than you'd treat anyone, because in the end everyone is here for a reason.

Discuss.

Waking up- 2011

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Waking up..

I just had the most emotionally releasing walk ever.
I woke up 3 days ago, feeling much lighter.
I had listened to Mark Stephens phobia and anxiety free cds.
Okay I admit, I did not do this by myself, I needed help, YEP I can admit that.
Sometimes we all just need a little bit of help and we can't do it all by ourselves, something I think a lot of people need to realise. However, I know from suffering from serious depression, we develop a narcissistic attitude and don't let anyone else in.

I had to let someone in. It was time to stop feeling lost and start understanding why I felt this way.
I've had 2 friends kill themselves in 2 months and this is something I want to try to help prevent in the future.
For me, my friends and even people I don't like, people I don't know, anyone. I don't want anyone to feel like they are worthless and have nothing to live for, we all do.
If it's being creative, or making music, playing video games, cooking, writing, whatever we are good at, we are good at for a reason. You were born to create what you need to create and this makes every single life beautiful.

I've held a lot of deep seated issues inside for a very long time, some it seems I don't even physically remember, however these affected me.
My brother had a brain tumour at the age of 3 and I wasn't even 1 yet. This affected me without knowing, but everytime I talked about it, I cried and felt like my heart was sinking. My brother has had no effect, except having to learn to write with his opposite hand and of course the rehab he went through, but i guess from being 9 months old and not being around your mother is going to effect a tiny child.

My parents fought for 15 years, in the end it got so negative that my brother and I moved to another state. Their life is different now, they are happy and live a different life, but back then it affected me more than I ever knew.
The relationships I had with girls throughout my life. People I thought I was friends with, ditching me for a joke.
The relationships I had with boys, sexual or non -sesual, they have all impacted me in different ways. Some negative, like the 10 year friend who committed fraud on me, I've had to forgive her. I've had to forgive the friend who stole from me, the friend who stole my boyfriend, the friend who treated me like I was less, making me feel less and less for a long long time. I forgive them. They did not mean to make me feel that way, they were hitting their own rock bottom and were taking me down with them.

I feel sorry for my parents and brothers who had to put up with such a disgusting attitude from me for so long. I was a terrible person, I can admit it. I stole, I lied, I spent their money, drank their alcohol, I was never honest and secretly they knew but they kept the facade up because I was not ready to change.

I am glad to have found the most beautiful man I'll ever meet. Who I can talk to about my deepest, darkest secrets, fears and sadness to. He listens and doesn't judge because he has been through the same. I have found my soulmate, in relationship form and this is very rare.

I had to realise that I was the only one bringing ME down. I could blame the rest of the world, but it was only my fault. I was the one who fucked up uni, I was the one who can't get a job because I am too stubborn to help myself. I'm the one who fucked around with my medication, making me feel more depressed. I was the one who couldn't say no and have willpower when I bought chocolate instead of fruit. I WAS the one who has put on 5 kilos.
NOONE ELSE.
It was noone elses fault I wasn't exercising.
It was noone elses fault I was smoking.
It was noone elses fault I couldn't handle money.
It was MY fault.
I was to blame for it all.

Once I accepted this blame, the rightful blame, I was able to move on.

I also had to accept things I am NOT to blame for.
My friend's deaths.
The sadness of people around me.
The uncommunicative abilities of others.

This week our baby is the size of a sweet potato!

So I have to say the funniest thing ever is the comparison of baby size to vegetables.
Last week our baby was the size of an avodado and this week it's the size of a sweet potato!
The image inside my mind is fantastic!!!

We are getting increasingly excited though. I feel more flutters everyday and am excited to start feeling it full time! We haven't been able to buy much for the baby because Kane is still trying to find work but that will come.
My belly is getting bigger and that's fun too. Some of my pants don't fit me anymore, so Im into elasticated pants.
Our stuff finally arrived from Adelaide so we now have a comfy couch, all our bits and pieces, tv, computer etc which is nice too, everything was getting really boring. Having all our kitchen appliances and utensils etc makes me happy too!

We are onto drinking fresh juices from our juicer every day now, which are awesome! I am so glad my parents bought us a juicer for christmas! It's perfect!
What else?

We have just been through another intense energy shift, one of a kind this one. It really made changes happen, because if they didn't and awareness wasn't provoked, everything would just destruct even worse than ever!

There are still little stresses but everyday I try to keep them to one side and not spend time manifesting them, otherwise I only forsee them getting worse.

Life is otherwise great, happy, funtimes.

Kane just wants to find some work as being home all the time is getting a little boring for him, even if it is causing him to be more productive and creative with his music, which is something I will forever push him to do. This is what makes him happy and accomplished and that is so incredibly important in life.

Last night he stayed up most of the night and produced a video with music and it was really good. So I am happy he has gone for jobs, plus is now being creative in the meantime :) THIS is a good balance I've been waiting to see from him.

I am looking forward for this shift to downtime itself as my bones have been quite sore, but I, myself have been working on my 'fears and anxieties' so that they don't become all i think about.
Otherwise I am in good spirits :)

A website to keep an eye on is shiftfrequency.com

Love and Light

Rachel

here is a pic of me at 17 weeks :)

End of 2012/Start of a new beginning 2013

I haven't written in here for a while because I've been really busy with a bit schmozzle of moving to Melbourne from Adelaide! So I officially made the move in December 2012 as planned, however whilst pregnant. I don't think I realised how stressed moving would make me, granted my housemates at the time did not hold their end of the bargain of them moving in, that they'd apply for the house and take over the lease. Unfortunately they did not get the application in between July-November and I had to break the lease, which I am still paying for, by myself. So this stress is going away slowly with faith they will find a tenant soon! I have moved into a unit with my fiance and we are settling in nicely. Paying rent at 2 properties is getting a bit much so am putting as much positivity out into the world to hopefully have that closure soon.

 I am glad my 'Adelaide' chapter is over with. Whilst living there, I had many trials and tribulations which I could have done without, however have learnt many lessons from. Living once again with Kane is nice. I've missed the happiness we both have when we just live us two. We are now at the 16 week pregnancy stint and it's getting a little more exciting each week. I'm at the point now where I no longer suffer from morning sickness which is nice, that was sucky!

Having to move/clean one house and then packing all my stuff to move to Melbourne plus dealing with all the other lease crap and finding a place in Melbourne whilst Kane worked fulltime was enough stress for a decade! But on the homestretch now, we are moving into January 2013 with much more significance for our own lives and confidence that we didn't have before. Kane has just finished his work for the season for the show South Pacific and is now looking for more work, hoping he will find some soon as his funds are slowly drying up and centrelink offers nothing but bleakness, even if it is a stepping stone, we need a little more funds to pay for our existing leases! November/December 2012 was an interesting month, I found myself reflecting back in behavioural patterns and what made me happy and what didn't so I could forsee not doing the same things that made me unhappy again, or as much.

Being surrounded by people who were negative and could not find the energy to do much but boss others around is something I want out of my life. I am far too relaxed, and the kind of person who just 'gets on with the job' without feeling the need to interfere in others lives, mostly due to the fact people need to change on their own merit, you can give advice but not force one to change. I lived with people who said they did one thing, yet did the complete opposite. I got so sick of being told I wasn't doing anything right, in every facet, by people who honestly sat on their ass for most of their time at home, while I was out studying and trying to get work. The energy of their beings made me hate living with them, they did not have positiveness surrounding them and my friends saw this as well and did not want to visit me due to these people making them feel uncomfortable. Constantly trying to force a way of life onto someone is just like forcing religion, it's completely unnecessary and just makes people feel uncomfortable, ESPECIALLY when they are hypocritical!!! Also they were dirty, so dirty. I am so happy to be in a clean environment where we do the dishes and don't just want to eat, make mess and sit on the couch all day.

 December brought a crazy influx of energies for me INCLUDING morning sickness, so I had it double. Anytime I wasn't needed somewhere I spent it in bed sleeping as I felt quite ill most of the time. I had a few assignments to finish off for uni as well. The WANT to be in Melbourne was hard. I wanted to be there so bad and just have our own place, but it came in time and now we have a great little unit in West Footscray. The energy here is great too, much more appealing than anywhere I've lived in Adelaide. Perth had a similar energy for me when I lived there. I knew from 12 December the energy was going to be odd and it was.

 The energy was draining so bad, it was also giving aches and pains like never before! My mum mentioned it many times how drained she was from the changes. 21st December there was a massive shift and I know a few people who felt much better, the harshness lifted and they felt light again. Christmas day brought a change that was once again draining. I could hardly get out of bed, and not because of the pregnancy, but just purely the draining energy! I knew the energy would get better once we got to NYE and it did. The full moon on Dec 28 also helped the energy balance out. We are now into 2013 and what an exciting year this one will be!

Not only are we going to be parents for the first time, but we start our life in a new state, we start a new life with a new community, we start new connections. It's going to be exciting. I can already feel the positivity creep in anytime I think something that may not be so positive. Anytime I think 'maybe pregnancy wasn't the best idea since Kane doesn't have stable work' and then I get this bounce back of 'No way, this HAD to happen when it did, it will give him confidence and keep him on the track and path he needs to be, also teaching and learning from a child will be perfect for his growth and yours' It's great that my inner voice is now going OI STOP THE NEGATIVE SHIT! it's what I need! So far this year has been great (yeah ok it has only been 2 days) but I foresee if we keep manifesting relaxed, non fearful, non anxious thoughts we will be carefree even when things aren't the best. Life doesn't have to be as fearful as we make it. You create your path. You create your existence. You make life what you want. No one can do it for you!!! Me at 16 weeks pregnant :)