One thing we all forget is that we ALL have childhood baggage.
Even I have baggage even if to the outside world we may have had a perfect bringing up as a child, there are always things that play on the mind, issues that come up later, as a teenager/adult.
Generation after generation have pushed these issues down, therefore this is what we were taught as well from our parents.
One thing that the newer generations need to learn is that communicating your issues is the best thing that you can do.
Stop holding onto those things that do not serve you anymore.
The past is the past, deal with the issues that may have broken you and become a new person.
Break out of the child/teenager mould, talk and create your future.
Why let the past hold you down? It only destroys and sabotages you. There is no point at all.
I had a whole bunch of old friends who I could be myself around.
These friends I've seen less and less of due to working in different circles, or travelling distance between our houses is too much to see them all the time.
But when we do catch up, it's like the old days, I feel like I fit in more than ever.
If one of them was being stupid I'd tell them and we'd chat about it etc. There was/is always communication involved.
Nowadays, I run in different friendship circles due to the events I run.
I am friends with those until they treat me like dirt, just like any friendship in life, however due to running events, it's hard to tell them exactly what they think without chinese whispers going around to everyone.
The new people I have become friends with don't seem to have any communication skills. They get deeply offended at any mention of their actions or how they treat people/me. They get upset very easily and cannot accept others around them. They can be nasty, vicious and very bitchy. They are a mixed up bunch of people. Insecure and seem to take a lot of things out on me/us.
They can't just chat about what's wrong, yet they speak to many of my friends who then come to me and tell me what they've been saying.
Bit silly, considering the people they're telling I've known for 8+ years.
I will put the new people and the way they treat me, in a different light and say that at least with the bad treatment, I recognise how much my old friends fit in my mould instead.
There's no point holding grudges, I will never be like that as long as I exist, however I do not like being spoken about badly when I'm the one trying to just be friends.
I spent 10 years as an alcoholic. I had deep seated issues.
I had been bullied in primary school, over silly things, but as a child they really hurt.
I was bullied in high school. I never stood up for myself. I just slunk into depression.
One of my close friends died in a car crash when I was 15 then a month later my Grandpa suddenly died.
Death became my enemy.
I became more and more depressed and became an estranged teenager.
I didn't want to go to school, I just wanted to waste my life away.
I moved out at 19, screwed that up.
I moved to Perth when I was 21. Spent 3 years in a delusion of drugs, alcohol, mood swings, on and off meds, suicidal tendencies, nowhere to live, sleeping on couches most of the time.
But I'd never ever take those moments back.
I studied Event Management, I finished a diploma drunk most of the time.
My psychologist told me she was proud of me for that.
This constituted getting off the booze. That was hard.
I lived with boozers and we partied every weekend, but after so long of the same thing. Waking up drinking, drinking all day, til I passed out. It got to the point where I could not leave the house for 3-4 weeks during my TAFE holidays. I spent my life on the internet and eating sleeping tablets to sleep.
I hated myself to the core.
I gave up drinking, I started a new job and I decided when the lease ran out on our house in Perth, oh and Diana found out she was pregnant, that it was time to move on.
I got back to Adelaide in November 2007. I was sober.
I was sober for 5 months. I did not leave Mum and Dads house much. I spent my days around the house with my cat and at the beach. It was one of the best times of my life. Absolute solitude.
I was not drinking for a very long time and then my friend invited me out.
I met Kane and the rest is history.
Every now and then I relapse. I get back into drinking and become depressed and realise I have to cut it out, but that's life.
The ego will always try to grab hold of me and take me over, but I will keep overthrowing it.
I am at a point in my life, where I am on a rollercoaster of emotions. Dealing with grief, life, happiness, sadness, anger, so many emotions. But I'm happy to be here. I'm appreciative for my family and friends. I'm appreciative of animals, the earth, people around me who give similar love.
Life IS good. Life IS choice. Life IS beautiful.
Love. Smile. Create. Dream.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Insides/Outsides
People should not be concerned about who they are as much as they do or it dissembles (disguises) who they are as a whole.
The importance of your soul and looking within is too important than just to spend your whole life worried about tiny stupid insecurities.
HOWEVER, it is hard when the ego has taken over. Depression is merely the ego. When you feel your mood change from happy to sad, this is merely the ego.
This pattern can be changed.
YOU CAN RESET YOUR BRAIN!
It is possible.
What's the point?
It's who you are on the inside and the outside is merely irrelevent.
Consider your outside image as just a facade of everyone to everyone, it's what's inside is what really counts.
We are all interconnected. We are all dreaming. We are living in a split dimension. We do not exist. We do exist in another space and time as well somewhere else in another dimension.
Whatever you believe....
REALITY DOES NOT EXIST SILLY! YOU CAN RECREATE IT ANY CHANCE YOU GET! SO GO ENHANCING YOURS SILLY!
EVERYTHING is choice.
The importance of your soul and looking within is too important than just to spend your whole life worried about tiny stupid insecurities.
HOWEVER, it is hard when the ego has taken over. Depression is merely the ego. When you feel your mood change from happy to sad, this is merely the ego.
This pattern can be changed.
YOU CAN RESET YOUR BRAIN!
It is possible.
What's the point?
It's who you are on the inside and the outside is merely irrelevent.
Consider your outside image as just a facade of everyone to everyone, it's what's inside is what really counts.
We are all interconnected. We are all dreaming. We are living in a split dimension. We do not exist. We do exist in another space and time as well somewhere else in another dimension.
Whatever you believe....
REALITY DOES NOT EXIST SILLY! YOU CAN RECREATE IT ANY CHANCE YOU GET! SO GO ENHANCING YOURS SILLY!
EVERYTHING is choice.
Friday, January 28, 2011
My Biggest Fear
The tears don't dry quickly,
they run for as long as the grief takes over.
When will i no longer feel the sadness,
or the fear.
Another death, another time when I feel hopeless,
unable to control what happens when we die.
This is what sickens me,
terrorises my mind, my sanity.
I need someone to tell me it's allright,
that everything will be okay.
To say, when we die we will still feel, still be,
however this cannot be and I fall.
Depression, anxiety, physical sickness,
all symptoms I feel when those thoughts arrive.
Everything I see contains death,
I visualise them in my over-imaginative mind.
I will never feel at ease when this comes to play,
it will always scare me to panic.
and only one day will I know what death will bring,
until then, I live every day as it is, with happiness and love.
they run for as long as the grief takes over.
When will i no longer feel the sadness,
or the fear.
Another death, another time when I feel hopeless,
unable to control what happens when we die.
This is what sickens me,
terrorises my mind, my sanity.
I need someone to tell me it's allright,
that everything will be okay.
To say, when we die we will still feel, still be,
however this cannot be and I fall.
Depression, anxiety, physical sickness,
all symptoms I feel when those thoughts arrive.
Everything I see contains death,
I visualise them in my over-imaginative mind.
I will never feel at ease when this comes to play,
it will always scare me to panic.
and only one day will I know what death will bring,
until then, I live every day as it is, with happiness and love.
My gripes with society
As parents, we are in a position to be telling children what to and what not to do, however letting them be who they are. Parents are the childrens model, ACT LIKE IT!
Luckily for me I was brought up by a mother who had more in her life than regiment and wanted to have fun and instill this in her children. She knew that if she stopped my big, bright, creative, imaginative personality I would just hate her later in life. Thank goodness she in no way detrimented me from being who I am as alot of my writing has assumed a creative role.
As catastropical some occurances in my life have been, the lessons that I have learnt, whether they be mistakes or not, have been something I would not be without. It made my awakening transition easier and much more special. No I did not find God I did not suddenly see the light. I just knew inside that the person I was trying to hide with any suppressent I could find, was in fact me all along .I found if I stopped the addiction, I could still be confident, the alcohol only made me depressed and did not actually help me in anyway. I could still be myself, I could still be charasmatic, creative, imaginative. I could still be me, Rachel.
The more doubt that is instilled into children about what they fear and are not to fear, the more they will struggle with who they are and what and who they present in life and on earth.
As one who is still partial to mental illness, I can recognise now that it is a choice. I chose to be sad, upset and depressed. The ego presents itself into the unconscious mind and it is all you can incur into your life and everything you are. Without this ego, you will be happy, positive and able to motivate yourself to do something you told yourself for so long you could not do.
Now don't think I'm not speaking from experience, I have spent 10 years feeling this hopelessness. In the end I thought anti-depressents were the way, yet I now know that happiness is MY choice in life. Even on anti-depressents I became depressed because I was not motivated, I was crying all the time. I soon realised I could not rely on tablets to make me happier, it was all about me and what I did to be able to smile.
Honestly, all I needed was my own positive environment. I started "colouring my life". I used yellows, greens, red in my room. I started expressing my creativity with photography, painting canvases. I am not a great artist but just to splash paint on a canvas made me forget my worries. I sewed to my hearts content, I messed my room up with all sorts of stuff, but it didn't matter. I was happy. I still lay in bed, unable to go to sleep, I still have worries in my head at present, but nothing is as bad as waking up in the middle of the night in a hot sweat, with a panic attack and not knowing how to stop it. It is all a choice. One who is depressed would tell me I'm wrong, because when you are depressed you feel that it is the ONLY way of life.
Hey after 10 years did you think I wanted to put the effort in to change my ways? I realised I needed routine to be happy and busy. Otherwise I would get into a shocking sleeping pattern, eating pattern, lazy pattern. Depressed people fear happiness. The majority of people out there fear being themselves. So anyone who is upset, sad, depressed you are not alone. The person sitting next to you on the train more than likely has some issue stuffed deep down which is stopping them from being what they really want to be in life. People fear happiness. It sounds silly but it is more than true.People are too partial to yelling and hating and judging than just loving, caring, giving. It is easier to live on your own little island than to actually care about someone else and be hurt.
I look around me and I know I do live in quite a lower class area, but I do not understand why people can't do simple things in life. I understand children model off their parents. That comes to the point that if you don't want children for any other reason than to love for them, care for them, teach them and learn from them, DON'T HAVE CHILDREN. If you can't even afford to eat/clothe/wash yourself DON'T HAVE CHILDREN. Why would you want a child if you live in selfish world? Alcoholics, drug addicts, there is NO doubt they are selfish. SELFLESS people have children. They want to give their child everything, they would die to protect them. It makes me sick that people have children when they can't even WASH, or wash their clothes, or even BE HYGENIC!
The amount of people who I walk past who smell like urine, or haven't washed their clothes for years. COME ON PEOPLE, YOUR CHILDREN ARE LEARNING FROM YOU. I am not one who loves fashion, needs to be fashionable, I do not declare to be the most social, and I am definately not superficial but my goodness, HOW hard is it to wash. I have BEEN in a VERY poor position. I have had to wash my clothes at a laundromat. I have eaten noodles and chicken stock. I have MADE MY OWN BREAD. So what? I didn't have a child, I didn't get a dog, or a cat, and treat them with NEGLECT. I looked after myself and that was it. I made sure I had essentials and okay I spiralled into depression, but even with NO credentials, I found somewhere to live. I had no bed, I asked around and someone provided me with a mattress. I had a housewarming, people gave me gifts, Bless them! I didn't have the best clothes and I wore the same things over and over again, but I did it. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE NOT DO IT?
I heard a 30ish woman complaining that she still had no housing trust house after 14 years. Well you have a son, you seem to be finely clothed, you have somewhere to live, tell me again why you need housing trust? I mean come on, you DONT NEED it, you want handouts. These people shit me off. I was an alcohol for 10 years. I have an addictive personality, yet I always worked, I studied and I am noW attending uni. I don't get everything I want, I've had to fend for myself, yet I'm still there. I am not in some high class. I am middle class and I work for everything I have. Why do people think that they need handouts to be something? People think that they are not good enough, think positive, love yourself and good things will come to you. Sounds like bullshit? I AM PROOF.
If anyone tells me they can't do something, I won't even answer, I was once told by my mentor at TAFE that I could do anything, she was right.
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!!! YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO!!
and... smile at everything, you will soon realise the beauty in everything around you.
Luckily for me I was brought up by a mother who had more in her life than regiment and wanted to have fun and instill this in her children. She knew that if she stopped my big, bright, creative, imaginative personality I would just hate her later in life. Thank goodness she in no way detrimented me from being who I am as alot of my writing has assumed a creative role.
As catastropical some occurances in my life have been, the lessons that I have learnt, whether they be mistakes or not, have been something I would not be without. It made my awakening transition easier and much more special. No I did not find God I did not suddenly see the light. I just knew inside that the person I was trying to hide with any suppressent I could find, was in fact me all along .I found if I stopped the addiction, I could still be confident, the alcohol only made me depressed and did not actually help me in anyway. I could still be myself, I could still be charasmatic, creative, imaginative. I could still be me, Rachel.
The more doubt that is instilled into children about what they fear and are not to fear, the more they will struggle with who they are and what and who they present in life and on earth.
As one who is still partial to mental illness, I can recognise now that it is a choice. I chose to be sad, upset and depressed. The ego presents itself into the unconscious mind and it is all you can incur into your life and everything you are. Without this ego, you will be happy, positive and able to motivate yourself to do something you told yourself for so long you could not do.
Now don't think I'm not speaking from experience, I have spent 10 years feeling this hopelessness. In the end I thought anti-depressents were the way, yet I now know that happiness is MY choice in life. Even on anti-depressents I became depressed because I was not motivated, I was crying all the time. I soon realised I could not rely on tablets to make me happier, it was all about me and what I did to be able to smile.
Honestly, all I needed was my own positive environment. I started "colouring my life". I used yellows, greens, red in my room. I started expressing my creativity with photography, painting canvases. I am not a great artist but just to splash paint on a canvas made me forget my worries. I sewed to my hearts content, I messed my room up with all sorts of stuff, but it didn't matter. I was happy. I still lay in bed, unable to go to sleep, I still have worries in my head at present, but nothing is as bad as waking up in the middle of the night in a hot sweat, with a panic attack and not knowing how to stop it. It is all a choice. One who is depressed would tell me I'm wrong, because when you are depressed you feel that it is the ONLY way of life.
Hey after 10 years did you think I wanted to put the effort in to change my ways? I realised I needed routine to be happy and busy. Otherwise I would get into a shocking sleeping pattern, eating pattern, lazy pattern. Depressed people fear happiness. The majority of people out there fear being themselves. So anyone who is upset, sad, depressed you are not alone. The person sitting next to you on the train more than likely has some issue stuffed deep down which is stopping them from being what they really want to be in life. People fear happiness. It sounds silly but it is more than true.People are too partial to yelling and hating and judging than just loving, caring, giving. It is easier to live on your own little island than to actually care about someone else and be hurt.
I look around me and I know I do live in quite a lower class area, but I do not understand why people can't do simple things in life. I understand children model off their parents. That comes to the point that if you don't want children for any other reason than to love for them, care for them, teach them and learn from them, DON'T HAVE CHILDREN. If you can't even afford to eat/clothe/wash yourself DON'T HAVE CHILDREN. Why would you want a child if you live in selfish world? Alcoholics, drug addicts, there is NO doubt they are selfish. SELFLESS people have children. They want to give their child everything, they would die to protect them. It makes me sick that people have children when they can't even WASH, or wash their clothes, or even BE HYGENIC!
The amount of people who I walk past who smell like urine, or haven't washed their clothes for years. COME ON PEOPLE, YOUR CHILDREN ARE LEARNING FROM YOU. I am not one who loves fashion, needs to be fashionable, I do not declare to be the most social, and I am definately not superficial but my goodness, HOW hard is it to wash. I have BEEN in a VERY poor position. I have had to wash my clothes at a laundromat. I have eaten noodles and chicken stock. I have MADE MY OWN BREAD. So what? I didn't have a child, I didn't get a dog, or a cat, and treat them with NEGLECT. I looked after myself and that was it. I made sure I had essentials and okay I spiralled into depression, but even with NO credentials, I found somewhere to live. I had no bed, I asked around and someone provided me with a mattress. I had a housewarming, people gave me gifts, Bless them! I didn't have the best clothes and I wore the same things over and over again, but I did it. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE NOT DO IT?
I heard a 30ish woman complaining that she still had no housing trust house after 14 years. Well you have a son, you seem to be finely clothed, you have somewhere to live, tell me again why you need housing trust? I mean come on, you DONT NEED it, you want handouts. These people shit me off. I was an alcohol for 10 years. I have an addictive personality, yet I always worked, I studied and I am noW attending uni. I don't get everything I want, I've had to fend for myself, yet I'm still there. I am not in some high class. I am middle class and I work for everything I have. Why do people think that they need handouts to be something? People think that they are not good enough, think positive, love yourself and good things will come to you. Sounds like bullshit? I AM PROOF.
If anyone tells me they can't do something, I won't even answer, I was once told by my mentor at TAFE that I could do anything, she was right.
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!!! YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO!!
and... smile at everything, you will soon realise the beauty in everything around you.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Who's drowning? If you are read this:
Do you often feel like you're drowning?
Drowning in self loathe?
Self hate?
You honestly hate yourself so much you don't even know why anyone wastes their time with you?
But tomorrow you feel happy, joyful, glad to be alive.
The next day, is different again, a more sombre mood and inability to leave the house.
and then the cycle begins again....
If this is how you feel, you have some issues you need to talk about.
When we have an issue held inside, without communicating it, we feel like it's overriding any ability to be happy and get past the issue.
Once the issue is released, the pressure subsides and the happiness prevails.
Changes...
Either it be weight, diet habit, organisational habit, personality change or quitting a habit.
This is always a hard step to make, always.
But it's always important to remember, it is worth it.
There is nothing you can do that will dissapoint anyone but yourself.
It is your choice is you follow through with the change, or relapse.
If you do relapse you are not a bad person and you should not beat yourself up about it.
I have come to realise that my alcoholism caused most of my mental and physical problems and now it is just upto me to make the choices from here.
I can lose weight, I can quit smoking, I can live a happy and healthy life.
I can believe in myself.
I can be satisfied.
I can love myself.
Loving one self is the most important part of it all.
If you can't love yourself, how do you attract a person who will love you for what you want?
You won't.
Attraction comes with how you feel about yourself.
Love thyself and be satisfied you are doing your best.
#1 Wake up every morning and be happy you are alive.
#2 Make the choice of change.
#3 Know that it is not hard to make the change, it just takes willpower and energy.
#4 It can be a hard, slow, patient process but you need to remember the end goal is most important.
#5 Fight for your own wellbeing over anyone elses. You are most important to you.
#6 Make yourself number one before you make anyone else number one (minus animals, they are always number one, says them :) )
You can do anything.
You can succeed.
You have the potential.
So get out there.
Start living!
Drowning in self loathe?
Self hate?
You honestly hate yourself so much you don't even know why anyone wastes their time with you?
But tomorrow you feel happy, joyful, glad to be alive.
The next day, is different again, a more sombre mood and inability to leave the house.
and then the cycle begins again....
If this is how you feel, you have some issues you need to talk about.
When we have an issue held inside, without communicating it, we feel like it's overriding any ability to be happy and get past the issue.
Once the issue is released, the pressure subsides and the happiness prevails.
Changes...
Either it be weight, diet habit, organisational habit, personality change or quitting a habit.
This is always a hard step to make, always.
But it's always important to remember, it is worth it.
There is nothing you can do that will dissapoint anyone but yourself.
It is your choice is you follow through with the change, or relapse.
If you do relapse you are not a bad person and you should not beat yourself up about it.
I have come to realise that my alcoholism caused most of my mental and physical problems and now it is just upto me to make the choices from here.
I can lose weight, I can quit smoking, I can live a happy and healthy life.
I can believe in myself.
I can be satisfied.
I can love myself.
Loving one self is the most important part of it all.
If you can't love yourself, how do you attract a person who will love you for what you want?
You won't.
Attraction comes with how you feel about yourself.
Love thyself and be satisfied you are doing your best.
#1 Wake up every morning and be happy you are alive.
#2 Make the choice of change.
#3 Know that it is not hard to make the change, it just takes willpower and energy.
#4 It can be a hard, slow, patient process but you need to remember the end goal is most important.
#5 Fight for your own wellbeing over anyone elses. You are most important to you.
#6 Make yourself number one before you make anyone else number one (minus animals, they are always number one, says them :) )
You can do anything.
You can succeed.
You have the potential.
So get out there.
Start living!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Lesson #6 - When you are old, don't regret anything
Something my parents have taught me is that I cannot regret anything I've done.
I've failed many times in my life, but I can't regret.
I made choices, bad ones or good ones and the consequences came, but I will never regret these.
I wrote this poem for my Mum. She is one of my inspirations :)
Dear Mum.
Dear Mum,
Found some old photographs.
You looked so young and free!
So happy and full of life,
Reminded myself of me.
I wish you could look back,
and remember how happy you were,
your never-ending smile.
i hope it isn't all a blur.
I felt myself become emotional,
tears streaming down my face,
to think you have forgotten those years,
Don't ever think they were a waste.
Yes you have grown older,
but you are definately wise.
You have created this family,
depleting negativity and lies.
You grew up finding who you were,
with enormous love for those near,
I hope one day you accept who you are,
things are not as bad as they appear.
You are a better person,
for what you've been through.
We all love you for who you are,
No matter what you do.
2006
I've failed many times in my life, but I can't regret.
I made choices, bad ones or good ones and the consequences came, but I will never regret these.
I wrote this poem for my Mum. She is one of my inspirations :)
Dear Mum.
Dear Mum,
Found some old photographs.
You looked so young and free!
So happy and full of life,
Reminded myself of me.
I wish you could look back,
and remember how happy you were,
your never-ending smile.
i hope it isn't all a blur.
I felt myself become emotional,
tears streaming down my face,
to think you have forgotten those years,
Don't ever think they were a waste.
Yes you have grown older,
but you are definately wise.
You have created this family,
depleting negativity and lies.
You grew up finding who you were,
with enormous love for those near,
I hope one day you accept who you are,
things are not as bad as they appear.
You are a better person,
for what you've been through.
We all love you for who you are,
No matter what you do.
2006
Lesson ##5 - Being abused is always a reason to leave
Abuse of any form.
Mental, physical, emotional abuse, of any form are not worth staying with someone for.
Blackmail and manipulation are reasons to leave.
If you're being made to feel like you're not worth it, leave.
Get out of there while you can!
The abuse is not temporary and will last.
On average a woman who is being physically abused will leave a man 15 times (and go back) before she either gets killed or gets out.
Lets change this.
Poem that goes with the story.
I don't know where my heart lies.
So confused.
It's too hard to break the ties.
You tell me that it's all my fault,
You hurt me, with words and fists.
I leave but know you'll come after me,
you'll never let me go,
I'm your toy.
Your obsession.
Like a ragdoll.
I miss you, sometimes.
I remember the good times,
I can't remember the bad times,
I never forget your smell, your touch.
Why did you have to hold me so tight?
You had your sweet side,
The good times outweigh the bad times...
Or not?
I am so confused.
When will i see the light?
Time heals all wounds...
Right?
Well?
Does it?
Mental, physical, emotional abuse, of any form are not worth staying with someone for.
Blackmail and manipulation are reasons to leave.
If you're being made to feel like you're not worth it, leave.
Get out of there while you can!
The abuse is not temporary and will last.
On average a woman who is being physically abused will leave a man 15 times (and go back) before she either gets killed or gets out.
Lets change this.
Poem that goes with the story.
I don't know where my heart lies.
So confused.
It's too hard to break the ties.
You tell me that it's all my fault,
You hurt me, with words and fists.
I leave but know you'll come after me,
you'll never let me go,
I'm your toy.
Your obsession.
Like a ragdoll.
I miss you, sometimes.
I remember the good times,
I can't remember the bad times,
I never forget your smell, your touch.
Why did you have to hold me so tight?
You had your sweet side,
The good times outweigh the bad times...
Or not?
I am so confused.
When will i see the light?
Time heals all wounds...
Right?
Well?
Does it?
Lesson #4 - Anxiety is not worth it
Anxiety. My #1 enemy!
I have lived through some scary anxiety attacks.
From waking up in my sleep and screaming the house down, to a simple attack whilst at work, every 5 seconds of the day.
I learnt to control my attacks by breathing myself through them.
Telling myself that life is worth it.
Knowing that everything I am freaking out about is silly and just a product of my unhealthy ego.
You too can control your anxiety.
My anxiety came when I was stressed and stress was always something I found hard to counteract.
I have made goals this year, to combat my anxiety, get out and meet new people.
You should too.
It's good for you :)
Poem that goes with this story:
Anxious.
I'm shaking again.
Paranoid at why people are staring.
Why am I so intriguing?
I wish they'd stop judging me.
I want to scream at them to stop.
I get caught up in the masses of people around.
They are all following me.
Enough is enough.
I stop and look around.
I see noone.
Was it all in my head?
Was anyone actually there?
Why was I so paranoid?
I find it hard to breathe.
I run home.
I get to my front door and fumble for the keys.
I open the door, run inside and slam it shut.
I fall down on the floor.
Hug my knees.
My face is smothered in tears.
I find it easier to breathe.
I feel safe in these four walls.
I have lived through some scary anxiety attacks.
From waking up in my sleep and screaming the house down, to a simple attack whilst at work, every 5 seconds of the day.
I learnt to control my attacks by breathing myself through them.
Telling myself that life is worth it.
Knowing that everything I am freaking out about is silly and just a product of my unhealthy ego.
You too can control your anxiety.
My anxiety came when I was stressed and stress was always something I found hard to counteract.
I have made goals this year, to combat my anxiety, get out and meet new people.
You should too.
It's good for you :)
Poem that goes with this story:
Anxious.
I'm shaking again.
Paranoid at why people are staring.
Why am I so intriguing?
I wish they'd stop judging me.
I want to scream at them to stop.
I get caught up in the masses of people around.
They are all following me.
Enough is enough.
I stop and look around.
I see noone.
Was it all in my head?
Was anyone actually there?
Why was I so paranoid?
I find it hard to breathe.
I run home.
I get to my front door and fumble for the keys.
I open the door, run inside and slam it shut.
I fall down on the floor.
Hug my knees.
My face is smothered in tears.
I find it easier to breathe.
I feel safe in these four walls.
Lesson #3 - If you know it's wrong, it's probably wrong
So have you ever saw someone that you weren't meant to see?
Fuck someone you weren't meant to fuck?
To be so filled with lust that you really think he or she is the one for you?
To be so blinded by a simple desperate feeling that you need them in your life?
You've convinced yourself they're the one for you?
Same old story....
I thought I was in love.
I was young, dumb and with the mask and facade I had created for myself, came trouble.
Yet they use you, they treat you like second class, they spend your money, drink your booze, treat you like you're not worth showing off....
You're better off alone, honey.
Poem that goes with this story:
All you..
Your meaning, fathomed.
Your smell derived.
Your touch, sensed.
You are a million miles away.
I felt you there,
within me,
the rush was endless,
the sensual taste of you.
I close my eyes,
you're there.
In my dreams,
my mind caresses.
The longing is eternal,
I await the moment,
you're in my arms,
One day, one day, baby.
Written many moons ago.
Fuck someone you weren't meant to fuck?
To be so filled with lust that you really think he or she is the one for you?
To be so blinded by a simple desperate feeling that you need them in your life?
You've convinced yourself they're the one for you?
Same old story....
I thought I was in love.
I was young, dumb and with the mask and facade I had created for myself, came trouble.
Yet they use you, they treat you like second class, they spend your money, drink your booze, treat you like you're not worth showing off....
You're better off alone, honey.
Poem that goes with this story:
All you..
Your meaning, fathomed.
Your smell derived.
Your touch, sensed.
You are a million miles away.
I felt you there,
within me,
the rush was endless,
the sensual taste of you.
I close my eyes,
you're there.
In my dreams,
my mind caresses.
The longing is eternal,
I await the moment,
you're in my arms,
One day, one day, baby.
Written many moons ago.
Lesson #2 Stop doubting yourself
I spent so much of my time and life doubting myself. As time ticks faster these days I find more of an urgency to be modest and proud of who I am instead of doubting myself.
I lived a life lonely. I was always lonely. I always wrote about how I wanted company from some trainwreck guy in my life, who probably served me nothing, but I made terrible choices.
Life is all about choices.
I felt like I was being judged on my every move, however this was not true. Noone thinks what you think they are thinking about you. Piss off that paranoia now!
Think positive, think about how great you are and love yourself. Stop the doubt.
You have skills, attributes, things you are good at. Whether you are a great artist, you're funny, you can dance, whatever it is, you're good at it!
Create! Love! Live! Dream!
Poem to follow story:
A new day.
Tonight I felt the dark.
It was lonely and cold.
I'm so tired of being here,
and doing what I'm told.
I want to be myself,
and show people what I can do.
Instead I'm laughed upon,
but I guess I'm laughing too...
I doubt myself every minute,
of every single day.
I should be more positive,
and show myself the way.
From this day forward,
I declare happiness.
No more negativity,
No more mess.
Time to DE-STRESS!
2007. r.carger copyright.
I lived a life lonely. I was always lonely. I always wrote about how I wanted company from some trainwreck guy in my life, who probably served me nothing, but I made terrible choices.
Life is all about choices.
I felt like I was being judged on my every move, however this was not true. Noone thinks what you think they are thinking about you. Piss off that paranoia now!
Think positive, think about how great you are and love yourself. Stop the doubt.
You have skills, attributes, things you are good at. Whether you are a great artist, you're funny, you can dance, whatever it is, you're good at it!
Create! Love! Live! Dream!
Poem to follow story:
A new day.
Tonight I felt the dark.
It was lonely and cold.
I'm so tired of being here,
and doing what I'm told.
I want to be myself,
and show people what I can do.
Instead I'm laughed upon,
but I guess I'm laughing too...
I doubt myself every minute,
of every single day.
I should be more positive,
and show myself the way.
From this day forward,
I declare happiness.
No more negativity,
No more mess.
Time to DE-STRESS!
2007. r.carger copyright.
Lesson #1 - Don't take your own life.
Something I heard today, "never create something permanent for a temporary situation".
as in, don't commit suicide over the end of a relationship or something less permanent.
One of my close friends recently killed herself. Bethany often spoke of feeling like she did not need/want to exist anymore. This I find easier to understand as I have felt like this before.
I will still however advocate the "staying alive" idea in any situation no matter what strain of horrible it is. Stay alive, live out what life has to throw at you, take on the challenges and see where your choices land you.
LESSON #1 DON'T TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE
(Thoughts after seeing a grumpy old person on the bus)
Imagine:
80 Years old
So much life experience
What do you do with your days?
Watch tv?
Grumble?
Waiting to die?
To think that at that age all a person would want to do is sit all day.
I guess that could go either way because why at 20 would a person want to do that same thing?
Sleeping all day and getting gratification out of it?
I find this unusual.
Yet once upon a time I did live this life.
I am not an overly motivated person but I feel sorry for people who have no aspirations for life or wants or goals for their future.
I'm not saying I haven't been there. Sad, depressed, anxious, feeling so low that I feel so hopeless, like nothing good will ever happen to me again. This was how I lived for a very long time.
Everytime something happened in my life, I crashed.
I would always know that it was a lesson that I was to learn, for me to make a choice and therefore felt stronger for the fall.
I realise this and therefore learn there is nothing wrong with failing, because I have definately failed a lot in life. Failed in career, study, life choices, financials, family decisions and how they were treated, sure I was a crap daughter, but with every failure came a lesson and hopefully,
the future,
and therefore,
better days!
It takes time for wounds to heal, I learnt that after many a heart break or unrequieted feelings or anything that happened that went against my favour.
Now the poem with the story...
You came around the other night.
I saw the bandages.
I saw the cuts.
I felt your pain.
I have lived this life before.
I understood.
I sat feeling hopeless,
Tears running uncontrollably down your face.
Eyes puffy from crying non-stop for hours.
Your soul was broken and you wanted a quick fix,
This was not possible.
I wish you could see....
Life is more than past regrets and happenings,
You can have a desirable future,
You can look past that hurt and suffering,
The mistiness in front of you is only temporary.
I also know that no matter what anyone says,
You will choose one way or the other,
To help yourself, or crash yourself.
Your choice.
It will take some, my love.
Friends and family are so important at this time.
You can call on your support when you break down.
Never forget we are here for you.
If you fall, get up and learn.
I promise one day you will feel refreshed.
Don't run away from these feelings.
They will only come back to haunt you.
Open to those you trust.
My love and thoughts will always be with you.
P.S Don't kill yourself..
Written for a very dear friend in 2007.
She's still alive, living life and happy.
as in, don't commit suicide over the end of a relationship or something less permanent.
One of my close friends recently killed herself. Bethany often spoke of feeling like she did not need/want to exist anymore. This I find easier to understand as I have felt like this before.
I will still however advocate the "staying alive" idea in any situation no matter what strain of horrible it is. Stay alive, live out what life has to throw at you, take on the challenges and see where your choices land you.
LESSON #1 DON'T TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE
(Thoughts after seeing a grumpy old person on the bus)
Imagine:
80 Years old
So much life experience
What do you do with your days?
Watch tv?
Grumble?
Waiting to die?
To think that at that age all a person would want to do is sit all day.
I guess that could go either way because why at 20 would a person want to do that same thing?
Sleeping all day and getting gratification out of it?
I find this unusual.
Yet once upon a time I did live this life.
I am not an overly motivated person but I feel sorry for people who have no aspirations for life or wants or goals for their future.
I'm not saying I haven't been there. Sad, depressed, anxious, feeling so low that I feel so hopeless, like nothing good will ever happen to me again. This was how I lived for a very long time.
Everytime something happened in my life, I crashed.
I would always know that it was a lesson that I was to learn, for me to make a choice and therefore felt stronger for the fall.
I realise this and therefore learn there is nothing wrong with failing, because I have definately failed a lot in life. Failed in career, study, life choices, financials, family decisions and how they were treated, sure I was a crap daughter, but with every failure came a lesson and hopefully,
the future,
and therefore,
better days!
It takes time for wounds to heal, I learnt that after many a heart break or unrequieted feelings or anything that happened that went against my favour.
Now the poem with the story...
You came around the other night.
I saw the bandages.
I saw the cuts.
I felt your pain.
I have lived this life before.
I understood.
I sat feeling hopeless,
Tears running uncontrollably down your face.
Eyes puffy from crying non-stop for hours.
Your soul was broken and you wanted a quick fix,
This was not possible.
I wish you could see....
Life is more than past regrets and happenings,
You can have a desirable future,
You can look past that hurt and suffering,
The mistiness in front of you is only temporary.
I also know that no matter what anyone says,
You will choose one way or the other,
To help yourself, or crash yourself.
Your choice.
It will take some, my love.
Friends and family are so important at this time.
You can call on your support when you break down.
Never forget we are here for you.
If you fall, get up and learn.
I promise one day you will feel refreshed.
Don't run away from these feelings.
They will only come back to haunt you.
Open to those you trust.
My love and thoughts will always be with you.
P.S Don't kill yourself..
Written for a very dear friend in 2007.
She's still alive, living life and happy.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
parapachamama.blogspot.com/
From http://parapachamama.blogspot.com/
Jan 19th:
Remember Full Moon: Sixth Tuning Event to align with the New Conscious Grid
in amongst everything that is coming out through the Para PachaMama Group we'd really like you to Remember the Full Moon and the conncetion with Mother Earth that you can reinforce during this time frame. This is where we see the crux of Para PachaMama; you and your relationship with Earth.
The aim of the Full Moon Tuning to Mother Earths New Consciousness Grid is to work on multiple levels of reality and affect the collective consciousness. The effects of this "tuning in" is that more bandwidth and download speed becomes available to all humans, so that the upcoming collective Shift becomes easier to navigate and most important, to be in.
Following is the guideline meditation for this coming Full Moon Tuning adjust to your heart feeling :
Upon awakening remind yourself about the intention you have set for this day. Take some time to bring yourself in loving connection with Mother Earth before you start your day.
Think of a place in Nature that you love. Feel this love and expand this love so that you can experience this growing love for all of Nature. Become aware of this love as you focus your center of attention to in your heart.
From your heart, send this pure love down to the earth. Believe and know that Mother Earth will receive it, she is always there. Visualize this love embracing the Mother. As you are in a state of love , know that you are and have always been loved by your Mother.
Now slowly bring your attention to this "new consciousness grid" that is surrounding the earth. Even if you don't know what this is just request of yourself, through love, to become aware of this New Grid and connect to it.
This Grid is an electromagnetic grid that is there for us, visualize it as golden streams of light in sacred geometrical patterns surrounding the earth. Just observe, be still, feel and send love into this grid, it is a part of the new You!
Send your love into this grid and know that by connecting to this Grid and sharing your love with it you open up the path, you broaden the bandwidth so that others can access this new field more easily.
You can stay or surf this new Grid for as long as you want, when you are ready just come back to this reality, ground yourself and start your day. Remind yourself during the rest of your day of your attunement to Mother Earth and her New Grid. This is important because as you remember this and go through the experience in your head again, you are sending these thoughts into the current consciousness field, creating a new accessible cloud of knowing or accessible experience for all others around you.
You affect reality all the time, become a conscious co creator of this shift in awareness.
Thank yourself as Mother Earth thanks you.
~
Namaste.
Consider joining the para PachaMama FB group for more and different events: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=589152498&v=app_2344061033#!/group.php?gid=152974141380142
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=179108748789914
Jan 19th:
Remember Full Moon: Sixth Tuning Event to align with the New Conscious Grid
in amongst everything that is coming out through the Para PachaMama Group we'd really like you to Remember the Full Moon and the conncetion with Mother Earth that you can reinforce during this time frame. This is where we see the crux of Para PachaMama; you and your relationship with Earth.
The aim of the Full Moon Tuning to Mother Earths New Consciousness Grid is to work on multiple levels of reality and affect the collective consciousness. The effects of this "tuning in" is that more bandwidth and download speed becomes available to all humans, so that the upcoming collective Shift becomes easier to navigate and most important, to be in.
Following is the guideline meditation for this coming Full Moon Tuning adjust to your heart feeling :
Upon awakening remind yourself about the intention you have set for this day. Take some time to bring yourself in loving connection with Mother Earth before you start your day.
Think of a place in Nature that you love. Feel this love and expand this love so that you can experience this growing love for all of Nature. Become aware of this love as you focus your center of attention to in your heart.
From your heart, send this pure love down to the earth. Believe and know that Mother Earth will receive it, she is always there. Visualize this love embracing the Mother. As you are in a state of love , know that you are and have always been loved by your Mother.
Now slowly bring your attention to this "new consciousness grid" that is surrounding the earth. Even if you don't know what this is just request of yourself, through love, to become aware of this New Grid and connect to it.
This Grid is an electromagnetic grid that is there for us, visualize it as golden streams of light in sacred geometrical patterns surrounding the earth. Just observe, be still, feel and send love into this grid, it is a part of the new You!
Send your love into this grid and know that by connecting to this Grid and sharing your love with it you open up the path, you broaden the bandwidth so that others can access this new field more easily.
You can stay or surf this new Grid for as long as you want, when you are ready just come back to this reality, ground yourself and start your day. Remind yourself during the rest of your day of your attunement to Mother Earth and her New Grid. This is important because as you remember this and go through the experience in your head again, you are sending these thoughts into the current consciousness field, creating a new accessible cloud of knowing or accessible experience for all others around you.
You affect reality all the time, become a conscious co creator of this shift in awareness.
Thank yourself as Mother Earth thanks you.
~
Namaste.
Consider joining the para PachaMama FB group for more and different events: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=589152498&v=app_2344061033#!/group.php?gid=152974141380142
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=179108748789914
parapachamama.blogspot.com/
From http://parapachamama.blogspot.com/
Jan 19th:
Remember Full Moon: Sixth Tuning Event to align with the New Conscious Grid
in amongst everything that is coming out through the Para PachaMama Group we'd really like you to Remember the Full Moon and the conncetion with Mother Earth that you can reinforce during this time frame. This is where we see the crux of Para PachaMama; you and your relationship with Earth.
The aim of the Full Moon Tuning to Mother Earths New Consciousness Grid is to work on multiple levels of reality and affect the collective consciousness. The effects of this "tuning in" is that more bandwidth and download speed becomes available to all humans, so that the upcoming collective Shift becomes easier to navigate and most important, to be in.
Following is the guideline meditation for this coming Full Moon Tuning adjust to your heart feeling :
Upon awakening remind yourself about the intention you have set for this day. Take some time to bring yourself in loving connection with Mother Earth before you start your day.
Think of a place in Nature that you love. Feel this love and expand this love so that you can experience this growing love for all of Nature. Become aware of this love as you focus your center of attention to in your heart.
From your heart, send this pure love down to the earth. Believe and know that Mother Earth will receive it, she is always there. Visualize this love embracing the Mother. As you are in a state of love , know that you are and have always been loved by your Mother.
Now slowly bring your attention to this "new consciousness grid" that is surrounding the earth. Even if you don't know what this is just request of yourself, through love, to become aware of this New Grid and connect to it.
This Grid is an electromagnetic grid that is there for us, visualize it as golden streams of light in sacred geometrical patterns surrounding the earth. Just observe, be still, feel and send love into this grid, it is a part of the new You!
Send your love into this grid and know that by connecting to this Grid and sharing your love with it you open up the path, you broaden the bandwidth so that others can access this new field more easily.
You can stay or surf this new Grid for as long as you want, when you are ready just come back to this reality, ground yourself and start your day. Remind yourself during the rest of your day of your attunement to Mother Earth and her New Grid. This is important because as you remember this and go through the experience in your head again, you are sending these thoughts into the current consciousness field, creating a new accessible cloud of knowing or accessible experience for all others around you.
You affect reality all the time, become a conscious co creator of this shift in awareness.
Thank yourself as Mother Earth thanks you.
~
Namaste.
Consider joining the para PachaMama FB group for more and different events: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=589152498&v=app_2344061033#!/group.php?gid=152974141380142
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=179108748789914
Jan 19th:
Remember Full Moon: Sixth Tuning Event to align with the New Conscious Grid
in amongst everything that is coming out through the Para PachaMama Group we'd really like you to Remember the Full Moon and the conncetion with Mother Earth that you can reinforce during this time frame. This is where we see the crux of Para PachaMama; you and your relationship with Earth.
The aim of the Full Moon Tuning to Mother Earths New Consciousness Grid is to work on multiple levels of reality and affect the collective consciousness. The effects of this "tuning in" is that more bandwidth and download speed becomes available to all humans, so that the upcoming collective Shift becomes easier to navigate and most important, to be in.
Following is the guideline meditation for this coming Full Moon Tuning adjust to your heart feeling :
Upon awakening remind yourself about the intention you have set for this day. Take some time to bring yourself in loving connection with Mother Earth before you start your day.
Think of a place in Nature that you love. Feel this love and expand this love so that you can experience this growing love for all of Nature. Become aware of this love as you focus your center of attention to in your heart.
From your heart, send this pure love down to the earth. Believe and know that Mother Earth will receive it, she is always there. Visualize this love embracing the Mother. As you are in a state of love , know that you are and have always been loved by your Mother.
Now slowly bring your attention to this "new consciousness grid" that is surrounding the earth. Even if you don't know what this is just request of yourself, through love, to become aware of this New Grid and connect to it.
This Grid is an electromagnetic grid that is there for us, visualize it as golden streams of light in sacred geometrical patterns surrounding the earth. Just observe, be still, feel and send love into this grid, it is a part of the new You!
Send your love into this grid and know that by connecting to this Grid and sharing your love with it you open up the path, you broaden the bandwidth so that others can access this new field more easily.
You can stay or surf this new Grid for as long as you want, when you are ready just come back to this reality, ground yourself and start your day. Remind yourself during the rest of your day of your attunement to Mother Earth and her New Grid. This is important because as you remember this and go through the experience in your head again, you are sending these thoughts into the current consciousness field, creating a new accessible cloud of knowing or accessible experience for all others around you.
You affect reality all the time, become a conscious co creator of this shift in awareness.
Thank yourself as Mother Earth thanks you.
~
Namaste.
Consider joining the para PachaMama FB group for more and different events: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=589152498&v=app_2344061033#!/group.php?gid=152974141380142
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=179108748789914
Souls out of place.
I've noticed a few souls out of place.
There's perfect reason why 2010 was so bad for everyone.
It was the year for people to go FUCK 2010 BRING ON 2011.
2011 IS GOING TO BE, most people's year.
Already, because 2010 was so terrible, people will tune to 2011 as being a better year.
Thinking positive is your best aim, however sometimes this is not possible.
The earth is tuning and we are going to experience hard but easier times, if that makes sense.
2010 was a load of crap.
This was the year when tuning was starting... so the earth was finely tuning itself, however 2011 is going to rock your socks off, and then 2012, will be a totally different year again.
I have heard a lot of people talking about time feels like it's speeding up.
That's because it is.
Time is speeding up, and we're exposed to a faster way of life, faster technology, faster television with digital, faster internet, faster everything. We are an impatient species/generation and want things when we want them and don't want to have to wait for them.
I often feel as if my mind doesn't travel as fast as my body and it is very odd indeed. It feels like an over exposed, black and white picture where you've created a double vision.... the person's shadow is one metre away from their other shadow... which one is the real vision?
Your mind is precious. It is easily thrown into negativity, but also the ego can be easily overthrown just by making choices and changes.
I prove this over and over again. My 2011 goal is to quit smoking, which I started after Beth died as I couldn't handle even existing with the thoughts and grief. The offset of quitting smoking is going to make me capable to become fit, lose weight. I have a new found issue with some foods, I will cut down foods and will be losing weight, drinking more water, and making a difference.
2011 is YOUR year.
Make it YOUR year.
Look to the future, deplete the past, and realise that the present is what you build your future on.
Open your eyes to the possibilities and opportunities, instead of focussing on what you should/could/would be.
You are anything you choose to be and you can do anything you choose to do.
Dump the unhealthy ego, bring in the positive ideals, be happy for everything you have. Be appreciative for friends, family, animals, the earth and everything that is around you.
Everyone has their reason they are here, for whatever it is, they are here to define their life in some way, learn from the lessons that they are creating for themselves and dealing with issues/problems/conflict. This is how you will move on from where you are.
Face your fear. Fears are what keeps us back from so much in life. Fear is not worthy though. It does not mean anything to you, all it does it feed your unhealthy ego and convince you that you should keep your fears close. Fuck the fear off. It is not worth having. You DON'T NEED it. Fear is not worth anything, however happiness is worth everything.
The earth is tuning, people are realising their life choices are their choices and not everyone around them.
Basically; buy a kitten, you will smile every minute of the day :)
There's perfect reason why 2010 was so bad for everyone.
It was the year for people to go FUCK 2010 BRING ON 2011.
2011 IS GOING TO BE, most people's year.
Already, because 2010 was so terrible, people will tune to 2011 as being a better year.
Thinking positive is your best aim, however sometimes this is not possible.
The earth is tuning and we are going to experience hard but easier times, if that makes sense.
2010 was a load of crap.
This was the year when tuning was starting... so the earth was finely tuning itself, however 2011 is going to rock your socks off, and then 2012, will be a totally different year again.
I have heard a lot of people talking about time feels like it's speeding up.
That's because it is.
Time is speeding up, and we're exposed to a faster way of life, faster technology, faster television with digital, faster internet, faster everything. We are an impatient species/generation and want things when we want them and don't want to have to wait for them.
I often feel as if my mind doesn't travel as fast as my body and it is very odd indeed. It feels like an over exposed, black and white picture where you've created a double vision.... the person's shadow is one metre away from their other shadow... which one is the real vision?
Your mind is precious. It is easily thrown into negativity, but also the ego can be easily overthrown just by making choices and changes.
I prove this over and over again. My 2011 goal is to quit smoking, which I started after Beth died as I couldn't handle even existing with the thoughts and grief. The offset of quitting smoking is going to make me capable to become fit, lose weight. I have a new found issue with some foods, I will cut down foods and will be losing weight, drinking more water, and making a difference.
2011 is YOUR year.
Make it YOUR year.
Look to the future, deplete the past, and realise that the present is what you build your future on.
Open your eyes to the possibilities and opportunities, instead of focussing on what you should/could/would be.
You are anything you choose to be and you can do anything you choose to do.
Dump the unhealthy ego, bring in the positive ideals, be happy for everything you have. Be appreciative for friends, family, animals, the earth and everything that is around you.
Everyone has their reason they are here, for whatever it is, they are here to define their life in some way, learn from the lessons that they are creating for themselves and dealing with issues/problems/conflict. This is how you will move on from where you are.
Face your fear. Fears are what keeps us back from so much in life. Fear is not worthy though. It does not mean anything to you, all it does it feed your unhealthy ego and convince you that you should keep your fears close. Fuck the fear off. It is not worth having. You DON'T NEED it. Fear is not worth anything, however happiness is worth everything.
The earth is tuning, people are realising their life choices are their choices and not everyone around them.
Basically; buy a kitten, you will smile every minute of the day :)
Monday, January 10, 2011
Depression
This poem is about depression.
About how you feel.
You are NOT the only one.
You Can be happy.
If this is how you feel, do something about it.
Happiness CAN prevail.
Is Death the way out?
I try to smile.
Even though it hurts.
Hurts so much inside.
Smiling is pain.
Thoughts are chaotic.
Emotions run wild.
Paranoia is here to stay.
The facade is fading.
Some are catching on.
That I'm pretending.
I try to smile.
But it's starting to die.
Just like me, inside.
It's too hard to fake.
I don't want to exist.
I don't want to live if life means pain.
There only seems one way out.
Death.
This is your mind creating this.
Death is not the only way out.
Life can be great, fun, happy.
Life can be perfect and enjoyable.
Positive energies create positive happy thoughts.
Please choose life.
About how you feel.
You are NOT the only one.
You Can be happy.
If this is how you feel, do something about it.
Happiness CAN prevail.
Is Death the way out?
I try to smile.
Even though it hurts.
Hurts so much inside.
Smiling is pain.
Thoughts are chaotic.
Emotions run wild.
Paranoia is here to stay.
The facade is fading.
Some are catching on.
That I'm pretending.
I try to smile.
But it's starting to die.
Just like me, inside.
It's too hard to fake.
I don't want to exist.
I don't want to live if life means pain.
There only seems one way out.
Death.
This is your mind creating this.
Death is not the only way out.
Life can be great, fun, happy.
Life can be perfect and enjoyable.
Positive energies create positive happy thoughts.
Please choose life.
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