Childhood baggage

One thing we all forget is that we ALL have childhood baggage.
Even I have baggage even if to the outside world we may have had a perfect bringing up as a child, there are always things that play on the mind, issues that come up later, as a teenager/adult.
Generation after generation have pushed these issues down, therefore this is what we were taught as well from our parents.
One thing that the newer generations need to learn is that communicating your issues is the best thing that you can do.
Stop holding onto those things that do not serve you anymore.
The past is the past, deal with the issues that may have broken you and become a new person.
Break out of the child/teenager mould, talk and create your future.
Why let the past hold you down? It only destroys and sabotages you. There is no point at all.

I had a whole bunch of old friends who I could be myself around.
These friends I've seen less and less of due to working in different circles, or travelling distance between our houses is too much to see them all the time.
But when we do catch up, it's like the old days, I feel like I fit in more than ever.
If one of them was being stupid I'd tell them and we'd chat about it etc. There was/is always communication involved.

Nowadays, I run in different friendship circles due to the events I run.
I am friends with those until they treat me like dirt, just like any friendship in life, however due to running events, it's hard to tell them exactly what they think without chinese whispers going around to everyone.
The new people I have become friends with don't seem to have any communication skills. They get deeply offended at any mention of their actions or how they treat people/me. They get upset very easily and cannot accept others around them. They can be nasty, vicious and very bitchy. They are a mixed up bunch of people. Insecure and seem to take a lot of things out on me/us.
They can't just chat about what's wrong, yet they speak to many of my friends who then come to me and tell me what they've been saying.
Bit silly, considering the people they're telling I've known for 8+ years.

I will put the new people and the way they treat me, in a different light and say that at least with the bad treatment, I recognise how much my old friends fit in my mould instead.
There's no point holding grudges, I will never be like that as long as I exist, however I do not like being spoken about badly when I'm the one trying to just be friends.

I spent 10 years as an alcoholic. I had deep seated issues.
I had been bullied in primary school, over silly things, but as a child they really hurt.
I was bullied in high school. I never stood up for myself. I just slunk into depression.
One of my close friends died in a car crash when I was 15 then a month later my Grandpa suddenly died.

Death became my enemy.

I became more and more depressed and became an estranged teenager.
I didn't want to go to school, I just wanted to waste my life away.
I moved out at 19, screwed that up.
I moved to Perth when I was 21. Spent 3 years in a delusion of drugs, alcohol, mood swings, on and off meds, suicidal tendencies, nowhere to live, sleeping on couches most of the time.

But I'd never ever take those moments back.
I studied Event Management, I finished a diploma drunk most of the time.
My psychologist told me she was proud of me for that.
This constituted getting off the booze. That was hard.
I lived with boozers and we partied every weekend, but after so long of the same thing. Waking up drinking, drinking all day, til I passed out. It got to the point where I could not leave the house for 3-4 weeks during my TAFE holidays. I spent my life on the internet and eating sleeping tablets to sleep.

I hated myself to the core.

I gave up drinking, I started a new job and I decided when the lease ran out on our house in Perth, oh and Diana found out she was pregnant, that it was time to move on.
I got back to Adelaide in November 2007. I was sober.
I was sober for 5 months. I did not leave Mum and Dads house much. I spent my days around the house with my cat and at the beach. It was one of the best times of my life. Absolute solitude.
I was not drinking for a very long time and then my friend invited me out.
I met Kane and the rest is history.
Every now and then I relapse. I get back into drinking and become depressed and realise I have to cut it out, but that's life.
The ego will always try to grab hold of me and take me over, but I will keep overthrowing it.

I am at a point in my life, where I am on a rollercoaster of emotions. Dealing with grief, life, happiness, sadness, anger, so many emotions. But I'm happy to be here. I'm appreciative for my family and friends. I'm appreciative of animals, the earth, people around me who give similar love.

Life IS good. Life IS choice. Life IS beautiful.

Love. Smile. Create. Dream.