Existing, is it really that important? OF COURSE, but tell MY mind that!

To be perfectly honest, I'm afraid of myself.
I'm afraid of my thoughts.
I'm afraid that if I don't get them out, they will consume me.

I'm afraid that if I don't speak to the people I need to honestly, it will consume me.
I'm afraid that I will do something stupid, I'll regret.
I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up one day, and not have anything to live for.

I'm reaching out for help all the time.
It isn't taken seriously.
How serious does it need to be?
I'm not okay.

I cannot do this for myself anymore.
I need someone to carry me.
I am broken.

I have no reason.
Nothing has caused this.
Except the inability to deal with problems.
I don't know where this stems from.
I want to find out.
I have a thirst for this knowledge.

Yet the medical system has failed me.
They do not help.
They help, like, milk on a hot day.
I NEED help.

I feel like I'm going to wake up one day, feel nothing and lose it.
or lay in bed one night... and lose it.
I can feel the pressure in my head building up.
It is going to explode.
Splatter across the wall.
Then all my thoughts will be revealed.

I want to message my family and tell them I'm not okay.
I am NOT okay.
I am stressful, I am panicky, I can't deal with situations.
I have had 2 friends die in the past 4 months.
I CANNOT DEAL.

I don't want attention.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me.
I want help.
I want to be listened to.
I do NOT feel listened to.

Life does go on.
For me right now.
I'm finding it hard to exist.
and want to exist.

This is the hardest part.