Moving on

How do we move on from this?
I get a whole lot of conversation.
Most of it is blurred.
Some is constant reminder of what was.
That hurts.
But it's good to hear the good times as well.

How do we wake up happy?
Knowing we'll never see these people again?
Bright shining lights in our life?
Where do we go from here?

We go through the rollercoaster of emotions.
Up down, around and spinning, will this stop?
Constant turbulance.
Shutting down seems the only way to cope.

And why should we be better?
Who counts the days we grieve?
How do we pick ourselves back up?
Where's the textbook on that one?

Sometimes it isn't possible, to think happy.
Right now I can't even smile.
I feel sick, sad and exhausted.
The memories remain.

My imagination goes into overdrive.
The imagery is scary.
How do I process all of this?
When does it get better?

People tell me it does.
It hasn't yet.
Does time heal wounds?
For some it doesn't.

In this moment in time.
All I can do is melt.
Push my head into a bucket of sand.
Crawl up and sleep.
I don't want to see the world.

I know everything is beautiful.
I know I am loved.
I know I love so many out there.
But I am still sad, and I still miss them.

No comfort or words can make this better.
The words seem to dissapear like sand in an hourglass.
What is time?
Why does it seem to go slower?

I am lost.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I am unsure of where to travel now.
How do I even wake up tomorrow and want to exist?
The black hole becomes increasingly familiar.

I do not want this, but I cannot help it.
I know this may dissapoint you.
I should love myself.
I should be proud of myself.
That isn't making anything better.
No self talk can help me right now.

The words don't want to come.
The tears and misery takes over.
Speechless.
How do I go on?

Things to do, people to see.
Food to cook, house to clean.
Work to perform, friends to support.
Everything is too hard right now.
I need a break.

How do I live after knowledge of such suffering?
How do I do a U-turn and get back on track?
I know I've done it before and it can happen.
But I want answers.
I want to know why, where, how, when?

That's the control freak in me.

Ego mania.
Depression drives it.
Painbody drives it.

It feels like I'm back in my safe coccoon.
Hermit land.
I do not want to see people.
I don't want them to see my hurt.
Their judging eyes and fakes smiles.
Why would anyone want to live here?

Of course that's ridiculous.
Life is beautiful.
There are many things I think are worth it.
Family, friends, my cats.
But how do I get back from this constant dread?

It won't happen overnight.

The facade remains.
Instilled externally.
Internally I'm emotionally torn.

I want the world to leave me alone.
In my own pity.
My own sadness.
My own depressed state.
Even though it isn't healthy.

I want to dissapear.