Its wierd that I have never felt so misplaced in my life. I think now I understand how my mum feels when she explains that she doesn't feel like she is apart of the family. I, right now, at this moment, feel sick to the stomach because even though I have so many common traits with my family, I also feel a disconnection to something so familiar. This scares me more than anything I've ever experienced.
I feel as I am going insane because I cannot find anyone who can understand and be compassionate about the way I'm feeling.
To be totally selfish and not to put it back on themselves, making them look like the bad person and therefore getting even more attention. So frustating and it hurts.
It hurts like a winding to the chest, after falling down and not being able to breathe a steady breath.
To feel like there is nobody I can turn to who understands how I feel and who can reflect either on something that has happened to them, or just give me advice of the right kind and not make me feel like I'm just making something out of nothing.
So many awkward situations, so many heartbreaks, so many times I just wanted to smash my hand through a wall, or grab a pillow and scream into it uncontrollably.
The frustration kills me so much I just want to grab their head and scream into their face what I'm feeling and everything that they are doing to my self esteem and healthy functioning of my mind.
I get annoyed by the implications of what they say, and therefore my attitude turns into a whole world of anger and negativity. I cannot help this because that is all I see and feel day to day.
Every minute, of every single hour, of every structured day, I think about it. I feel the hurt, the torment of the thoughts running through my mind. Bouncing off one wall to the other, trying to create a solution. Something to make everything okay, or even just some thought of positive thinking, where I know it's going to be okay due to this new breakthrough.
I find myself feeling physically sick. Wondering if I was a better person maybe this would better my situation. But then HOW do I better myself to think more positive. So once again I am placing everything back onto myself when in fact i should wash my hands of it and not have it be my problem anymore. I cannot do that because I am so susceptible to letting everything eat me away until I am such a nervous wreck that I have a nervous breakdown.
This time will be different?
I will run away, like usual?
I cannot see any other solution.
Distancing myself, once again from the people that I love because it is destroying everything I am or want to become.
How frightening.
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