I can't do this anymore

I can't deal with people today
Their judging eyes, staring
I can't deal with their smiles
How can they be so happy?
When I feel so sad, so alone.

Where do they get off, knowing life is okay?
When I sit here questioning?
I stare into space
Ignore all conversation
I'm in my own little world, trying to forget.

It all seems so hard, so heavy on my chest.
I feel so rundown with inability to get well.
Why is it always like this for me?
I'm at breaking point and I'm ready to explode.
Help.

It's time to ask for help.
To realise what's wrong with me.
I wake up every morning, without knowing my emotions.
Unable to detect which one I'll feel today.
Numb to the constant pain in my head.
Tears stinging my eyes while I try to sleep.

It's hard to say those few words.
but I can't smile anymore.
I find it hard to laugh, be happy, be me.
People are noticing, I can't even be a facade.
The pretty colours are fading and I am so scared.

I don't need or want fixing,
but I want to be happy,
I want to wake up and know I'm going to be okay.
Know I can go to sleep in silence and not have to ignore the negative thoughts.
I want to love myself.

After two years of my dealing with my past.
I was happy to live and be strong.
Yet I am again feeling so weak.
Unable to deal with anything that comes my way.
I just break down and cry.
Battered, bruised, broken.

I watch those people who are so happy,
and try to remember a time when I was.
It makes me cry uncontrollably.
I remember many times I felt that way, consumed and filled with joy.
Now, I feel nothing.
I am capable of only being sad and negative.

This way of life is so easy to stay in,
so hard to recognise there is a problem.
It takes so much energy but to accept the issue,
to live without denial,
hardly.

I hope that one day, I feel good again,
I will not feel those people judging me,
I will be strong and be able to deal with things better.
Loving will be easier,
living will be easier.