Every day I find it harder and harder to actually try to stop my intellect from taking over. I find it harder and harder to be able to just feel, be, without thinking. This will get easier, I know Mother Earth is just tuning and tuning and we will eventually feel at a state of unity consciousness.
Today I had immense anxiety. I had to see a job capacity assessor and they would work out how capable I was to work. I find this interesting. As a person who has suffered from anxiety and depression for 11 years, making me go to one of these kind of "meetings" is the most nerve racking events in my life. I feel instantly judged and almost humiliated, weak and embarrassed. Those are common feelings/emotions that come with anxiety. It's hard enough for me to leave the house some days, let alone be assessed on how work able you are.
So, I was telling the assessor that I was willing to work, I want to work, I want to get to a point where I can work again. I don't want to live like this. This is my most non-favourite way of living. I went through 2 years of being able to not worry about feeling like this and it has only recently come back.
A few months ago I was in chronic back pain. I did not realise then that it was in fact my anxiety that was causing this. Today when I was having severe panic attacks, almost to the point that I couldn't breathe, my muscles tensed up so hard that I was in incredible body pain. Not only that but I lost my appetite and my stomach felt hard. I have been in incredible physical and emotional pain today. Just because I had to go to an appointment.
That is how crippling anxiety can be. Not just mentally, but physically.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Mother Earth is changing, get ready for it!
There is something stirring on the planet that is big, it is growing in numbers everyday and is changing the way we live with Mother Earth forever. It is so important to be seeing this side of the Shift, because too often it is just too easy to subscribe, again, to the drag, the angst that lies in making big changes. And are we making changes?! Ah, well just the most important one in the entire existence of humanity on planet earth..
es, the time frame that we are in now, the golden window, is an opportunity to walk into the new reality with ease and confidence. This time is the start of the 7th day that the Maya speak of so eloquently. In the first part of this day, that lasts a little over a year, it is relatively easy to step into the lighter form or way of looking at the world and how we can 'fix' or change our collective future. This knowledge is now being used, big-time. What better time than Now to get involved in collective efforts that work from intention, that come from the heart and are aimed at unity or unconditional love.
Unity consciousness... It is that word that sort of means a lot, but we have not fully embraced it, yet. Some are still objecting to it from an intellectual point of view, because it just doesn't make sense... Well, that's the tricky part of shifting consciousness, the new unity perception of reality is not sense, it is being. It is not thinking from the brain, it is feeling, or better even, dreaming from the heart.
Is it fair to say that we could all agree that the mind does not fully understand this unity yet. No wonder that it doesn't. The mind / brain operates on this perceptional level called duality. Good and bad, love and hate, truth or false. Yes, that need to judge, label and distinguish things in order to get through life. How could you dualize unity?
Fortunately people intuitively know, because it is part of the remembrance process, that work or involvement on the level of unity, transcends all levels of our current polarity consciousness and might possibly be an answer to our collective situation on planet earth. Surely the polarity solutions we have tried over the last 50 years haven't done any good, we're still sliding downhill with no brakes on the car.
It is a bit of a mind wrap at first, but putting our self in a state of unity awareness or feeling, creates a state of being where there is no debate, there is no judgment. In that place we need to change nothing, do nothing different, be nothing different, we simply are. Though the mind does not really like that last idea neither, if you do this sincerely from within your heart, you will get an experience that is so real, so good, it allows you to experience that state of being. That is unity. It is that feeling of shivers across your back, your hairs tightening on your head, goosebumps and electrifying vibrations running through your body. Something energetically is happening and it is real, your head cannot deny it.
Now, the following is the part where the brain says, "aaaah..I think I get it.". When we collectively all start doing this; moving from our duality brainset into our unity heart, and thousands all over the world are rising to their feet with this, than we collectively shift away from war, from hate, from greed. Then with that knowing fully about the 100th Monkey Effect and how conscious intend affects reality for the collective, we might just be witnessing one miracle after the other; bang, bang, bang, peace here, peace there, real healing of peoples life's here, real healing of nations and peoples there.
This is the step we have to make. From the head, duality, into the heart, into unity. It seems irrational, illogical, but if you really listen to that feeling inside, you know this works, your heart has always known this. The Hopi, the Maya, they all say the same thing: The longest journey man will ever make, is from his head back to his heart.
The 7th day has started and this window you're in now is the time to do this work with much greater ease than when you wait another year, let us suggest that that is perhaps why you have just read this.
Life is amazing. Embrace.
Posted by Para PachaMama - Spirit of Earth
http://parapachamama.blogspot.com/
es, the time frame that we are in now, the golden window, is an opportunity to walk into the new reality with ease and confidence. This time is the start of the 7th day that the Maya speak of so eloquently. In the first part of this day, that lasts a little over a year, it is relatively easy to step into the lighter form or way of looking at the world and how we can 'fix' or change our collective future. This knowledge is now being used, big-time. What better time than Now to get involved in collective efforts that work from intention, that come from the heart and are aimed at unity or unconditional love.
Unity consciousness... It is that word that sort of means a lot, but we have not fully embraced it, yet. Some are still objecting to it from an intellectual point of view, because it just doesn't make sense... Well, that's the tricky part of shifting consciousness, the new unity perception of reality is not sense, it is being. It is not thinking from the brain, it is feeling, or better even, dreaming from the heart.
Is it fair to say that we could all agree that the mind does not fully understand this unity yet. No wonder that it doesn't. The mind / brain operates on this perceptional level called duality. Good and bad, love and hate, truth or false. Yes, that need to judge, label and distinguish things in order to get through life. How could you dualize unity?
Fortunately people intuitively know, because it is part of the remembrance process, that work or involvement on the level of unity, transcends all levels of our current polarity consciousness and might possibly be an answer to our collective situation on planet earth. Surely the polarity solutions we have tried over the last 50 years haven't done any good, we're still sliding downhill with no brakes on the car.
It is a bit of a mind wrap at first, but putting our self in a state of unity awareness or feeling, creates a state of being where there is no debate, there is no judgment. In that place we need to change nothing, do nothing different, be nothing different, we simply are. Though the mind does not really like that last idea neither, if you do this sincerely from within your heart, you will get an experience that is so real, so good, it allows you to experience that state of being. That is unity. It is that feeling of shivers across your back, your hairs tightening on your head, goosebumps and electrifying vibrations running through your body. Something energetically is happening and it is real, your head cannot deny it.
Now, the following is the part where the brain says, "aaaah..I think I get it.". When we collectively all start doing this; moving from our duality brainset into our unity heart, and thousands all over the world are rising to their feet with this, than we collectively shift away from war, from hate, from greed. Then with that knowing fully about the 100th Monkey Effect and how conscious intend affects reality for the collective, we might just be witnessing one miracle after the other; bang, bang, bang, peace here, peace there, real healing of peoples life's here, real healing of nations and peoples there.
This is the step we have to make. From the head, duality, into the heart, into unity. It seems irrational, illogical, but if you really listen to that feeling inside, you know this works, your heart has always known this. The Hopi, the Maya, they all say the same thing: The longest journey man will ever make, is from his head back to his heart.
The 7th day has started and this window you're in now is the time to do this work with much greater ease than when you wait another year, let us suggest that that is perhaps why you have just read this.
Life is amazing. Embrace.
Posted by Para PachaMama - Spirit of Earth
http://parapachamama.blogspot.com/
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Love.
“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” Pablo Neruda
Friday, November 26, 2010
RECONNECT
Have a teaspoon of cement and break some teeth ;0)
The saying harden the fuck up does not resolve issues. How about every unrealistically opinionated person full of assumptions learn the rule of "it is best to remain silent and to be thought a fool". You really want to forget humanity and become numbed by the world that is based on commercialism and capitalism, the main cause of ignorance, arrogance and selfishly deluded opinions. I only discovered this the other day when i watched on as police officers helped a young pregnant woman after she was beaten and robbed of her savings. I went and asked if she was ok, but nobody else did, they just walked on by. The public have this stupid thought that "Oh the police will sort it out, we do not need to intervene, people should harden the fuck up".
Err, problem, numbing society to "Harden the fuck up" leads to "not giving a shit". People have become disconnected from each other and the earth and nobody gives a fuck. Partners abusing trust because theyre numb to their own emotions and lose the art of loyalty and attentiveness and not giving a shit about if they cheat or not all for the sake of "Harden the fuck up" Oh it wont bother him/her, they will never find out, oh well if he/she does find out, he/she should harden the fuck up... That pregnant woman, if she loses her baby from the injuries sustained, she should get over it and harden the fuck up, theres counsellors for that shit and nobody needs to know whats "really going on" coz theyve got there own boring hardened the fuck up lives to deal with.
See a pattern forming here? Stop, listen, dont assume you've been through worse, sought reason through asking instead of "fuck i know what theyre thinking and I know the reason why theyre doing that"... Because 90% assumptions are wrong and cause unwanted negativity and conflict...
Humanities real meaning is dissipating. Cant anybody see that?
People need to reconnect, because theyre all losing their humane values and zest for life...
Jase
My add on to said rant:
I think it's interesting because there was so much "free love" in the 70s and then our parents generation really lost a lot of their emotion. So even before the internet began there was a loss of emotion. I know from my own experiences that my grandparents clearly suffered from depression yet never spoke about it. We know from how we feel these days, that internalising that pain for so long, hurts more than anything. So how did our grandparents feel? Having to go off to war, living through a time when there was so much abuse of power and greed. Not even knowing if their country will exist tomorrow. That's a scary thing to grow up with. My grandma was still in school when WW2 happened and was forced to carry a disabled child on her back into a bunker. She tells me how she was playing in the fields in Faversham when fighter jets came past and shot through them, luckily missing them. But what a scary time to live in. Then there's 'Nam... and I don't need to say much about 'Nam... a bullshit war that just showed American arrogance, which Australians became conscripted to fight in and then treated like shit after they came home and "tried to fit back into society". So the generations before us went through a totally different time. They were told to harden the fuck up. Our generations are different. We're a whole lot of new free love. We're about wanting for acceptance, wanting to be ourselves, wanting to be allowed to be who we want to be. There are still people of our generation who can't just chill and not push this onto other people, but it is becoming less and less. We haven't seen war in a sense, we just have a mighty incoming technological age that has turned us into zombies. One thing that has to teach anyone, is turn your bloody computer off, stop trying to connect with people online, and go say hi to your neighbour, or smile as much as you can to the people around you. Don't be so serious all of the time, stop taking everything everyone says so literal, there is often different meanings. Not everyone will want to be your friend, and that is OK. Not everyone is meant to be friends. Not everyone will get on. If we can accept this, we can live in a more harmonious environment with those that we do get on with. Our generation are missing a huge gap with love for the earth. We are all about throwing out anything we can, not recycling, littering, being lazy, sitting on our asses and over consuming. We have had Maccas and HJ's and KFC on our doorsteps. Our parents never had that. Most of the time our parents had to eat lamb brains and such for meat. They didn't have the extravagance that we have. Our generation need to be more understanding of the earth and how Gaia is connected to us. We are more connected to the earth than anyone may think. Being constructed on a basis where emotion is not your first connection with people, you are often quite robotic and this can come from issues with people in the past. One thing people forget is that everyone has childhood baggage, and we need to work through this. EVERYONE. You are not the only one as much as you may think so. Be more loving, be more accepting, be more connected. Be as one.
Peace out Rach
The saying harden the fuck up does not resolve issues. How about every unrealistically opinionated person full of assumptions learn the rule of "it is best to remain silent and to be thought a fool". You really want to forget humanity and become numbed by the world that is based on commercialism and capitalism, the main cause of ignorance, arrogance and selfishly deluded opinions. I only discovered this the other day when i watched on as police officers helped a young pregnant woman after she was beaten and robbed of her savings. I went and asked if she was ok, but nobody else did, they just walked on by. The public have this stupid thought that "Oh the police will sort it out, we do not need to intervene, people should harden the fuck up".
Err, problem, numbing society to "Harden the fuck up" leads to "not giving a shit". People have become disconnected from each other and the earth and nobody gives a fuck. Partners abusing trust because theyre numb to their own emotions and lose the art of loyalty and attentiveness and not giving a shit about if they cheat or not all for the sake of "Harden the fuck up" Oh it wont bother him/her, they will never find out, oh well if he/she does find out, he/she should harden the fuck up... That pregnant woman, if she loses her baby from the injuries sustained, she should get over it and harden the fuck up, theres counsellors for that shit and nobody needs to know whats "really going on" coz theyve got there own boring hardened the fuck up lives to deal with.
See a pattern forming here? Stop, listen, dont assume you've been through worse, sought reason through asking instead of "fuck i know what theyre thinking and I know the reason why theyre doing that"... Because 90% assumptions are wrong and cause unwanted negativity and conflict...
Humanities real meaning is dissipating. Cant anybody see that?
People need to reconnect, because theyre all losing their humane values and zest for life...
Jase
My add on to said rant:
I think it's interesting because there was so much "free love" in the 70s and then our parents generation really lost a lot of their emotion. So even before the internet began there was a loss of emotion. I know from my own experiences that my grandparents clearly suffered from depression yet never spoke about it. We know from how we feel these days, that internalising that pain for so long, hurts more than anything. So how did our grandparents feel? Having to go off to war, living through a time when there was so much abuse of power and greed. Not even knowing if their country will exist tomorrow. That's a scary thing to grow up with. My grandma was still in school when WW2 happened and was forced to carry a disabled child on her back into a bunker. She tells me how she was playing in the fields in Faversham when fighter jets came past and shot through them, luckily missing them. But what a scary time to live in. Then there's 'Nam... and I don't need to say much about 'Nam... a bullshit war that just showed American arrogance, which Australians became conscripted to fight in and then treated like shit after they came home and "tried to fit back into society". So the generations before us went through a totally different time. They were told to harden the fuck up. Our generations are different. We're a whole lot of new free love. We're about wanting for acceptance, wanting to be ourselves, wanting to be allowed to be who we want to be. There are still people of our generation who can't just chill and not push this onto other people, but it is becoming less and less. We haven't seen war in a sense, we just have a mighty incoming technological age that has turned us into zombies. One thing that has to teach anyone, is turn your bloody computer off, stop trying to connect with people online, and go say hi to your neighbour, or smile as much as you can to the people around you. Don't be so serious all of the time, stop taking everything everyone says so literal, there is often different meanings. Not everyone will want to be your friend, and that is OK. Not everyone is meant to be friends. Not everyone will get on. If we can accept this, we can live in a more harmonious environment with those that we do get on with. Our generation are missing a huge gap with love for the earth. We are all about throwing out anything we can, not recycling, littering, being lazy, sitting on our asses and over consuming. We have had Maccas and HJ's and KFC on our doorsteps. Our parents never had that. Most of the time our parents had to eat lamb brains and such for meat. They didn't have the extravagance that we have. Our generation need to be more understanding of the earth and how Gaia is connected to us. We are more connected to the earth than anyone may think. Being constructed on a basis where emotion is not your first connection with people, you are often quite robotic and this can come from issues with people in the past. One thing people forget is that everyone has childhood baggage, and we need to work through this. EVERYONE. You are not the only one as much as you may think so. Be more loving, be more accepting, be more connected. Be as one.
Peace out Rach
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Untitled Poem 26/11/10
When you feel so bad you don't want to live,
remember that theres plenty more to give,
just because,
doctors want you to take the medication,
doesn't mean thats the only kind of education,
sometimes...
you just need laughs,,
and you just need smiles
someone who will listen,
someone who is there just to care for a while...
with all those thoughts swimming round your head,
not sure if you want to be alive or dead?
how do you decide?
why is it hard to decide?
life doesn't have to be that hard,
try to push down that guard,
live your life like there's no tomorrow,
don't be kept down with heavy sorrow.
there's more to living, like being yourself,
there's more to people, than the outside facade,
there's more to life, than waking up sad,
so stop making life seem so bad!
Be happy for who you are,
be happy for who you will be,
be happy for what you stand for,
most of all be happy for who stands by you.
remember that theres plenty more to give,
just because,
doctors want you to take the medication,
doesn't mean thats the only kind of education,
sometimes...
you just need laughs,,
and you just need smiles
someone who will listen,
someone who is there just to care for a while...
with all those thoughts swimming round your head,
not sure if you want to be alive or dead?
how do you decide?
why is it hard to decide?
life doesn't have to be that hard,
try to push down that guard,
live your life like there's no tomorrow,
don't be kept down with heavy sorrow.
there's more to living, like being yourself,
there's more to people, than the outside facade,
there's more to life, than waking up sad,
so stop making life seem so bad!
Be happy for who you are,
be happy for who you will be,
be happy for what you stand for,
most of all be happy for who stands by you.
Energies.
One thing I'm recognising a lot of lately is the change of energies. I can't see them but I can feel them. I can intuitively feel when someone's energy is low or high. This is something that I am learning more and more each day.
One thing that I want people to start realising is their energies mirror on other people. So if they are feeling down and without even knowing they are doing it, push that energy onto another person, the person they are around will soon mirror their energy. It is hard to push it away, especially when it is continually negative.
Breathing can really help calm yourself down from a situation or feeling.
Meditate for 5-10-20 minutes just to relax the body enough to be able to think properly.
These are two things that have considerably helped my anxiety/panic attacks in the past.
These things also clear up unwanted and negative energies.
Something I saw recently from my friend Quantim about what love means to him and to me he says it perfectly:
Quote " How do you show someone you love them?
i use my words a lot... i try to listen to my loved ones very carefully... a general 'giving of energy' to people i love to show them i care
and most importantly (something i had nearly forgotten) i try to make them laugh"
His words are inspirational to me and I hope to you.
So next time you feel down, try to think about what you are mirroring out to your friends, to the person you see in the street, give them some "love" words, give them a smile, give them something that represents a positive energy.
Peace.
One thing that I want people to start realising is their energies mirror on other people. So if they are feeling down and without even knowing they are doing it, push that energy onto another person, the person they are around will soon mirror their energy. It is hard to push it away, especially when it is continually negative.
Breathing can really help calm yourself down from a situation or feeling.
Meditate for 5-10-20 minutes just to relax the body enough to be able to think properly.
These are two things that have considerably helped my anxiety/panic attacks in the past.
These things also clear up unwanted and negative energies.
Something I saw recently from my friend Quantim about what love means to him and to me he says it perfectly:
Quote " How do you show someone you love them?
i use my words a lot... i try to listen to my loved ones very carefully... a general 'giving of energy' to people i love to show them i care
and most importantly (something i had nearly forgotten) i try to make them laugh"
His words are inspirational to me and I hope to you.
So next time you feel down, try to think about what you are mirroring out to your friends, to the person you see in the street, give them some "love" words, give them a smile, give them something that represents a positive energy.
Peace.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Yep.
People get so wrapped up in judgement that they live their lives in complete hesitation to be who they really are. We should be aware of the infinity that comes along with this universe. And out of this infinity, who’s to say what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong,’ ‘weird’ or ‘normal’ ? Living by standards just detaches ourselves from the never ending experience of nature, which in turn just leaves us with a mind of limitations, a mind of believing that we have no control over what happens in our lives. And that kind of detachment comes with disappointment, and disappointment comes with hostility and no trust in life, and that kind of separation between us and life just kind of leaves us in a black hole of never beginning to expand our lives.
Monday, November 22, 2010
last night's full moon was the fourth tuning of the consciousness
The aim of the Full Moon Tuning to Mother Earths New Consciousness Grid is to work on multiple levels of reality and affect the collective consciousness. The effects of this "tuning in" is that more bandwidth and download speed becomes available to all humans, so that the upcoming collective Shift becomes easier to navigate and most important, to be in.
Following is the guidel...ine meditation for this coming Full Moon Tuning adjust to your heart feeling :
Upon awakening remind yourself about the intention you have set for this day. Take some time to bring yourself in loving connection with Mother Earth before you start your day.
Think of a place in Nature that you love. Feel this love and expand this love so that you can experience this growing love for all of Nature. Become aware of this love as you focus your center of attention to in your heart.
From your heart, send this pure love down to the earth. Believe and know that Mother Earth will receive it, she is always there. Visualize this love embracing the Mother. As you are in a state of love , know that you are and have always been loved by your Mother.
Now slowly bring your attention to this "new consciousness grid" that is surrounding the earth. Even if you don't know what this is just request of yourself, through love, to become aware of this New Grid and connect to it.
This Grid is an electromagnetic grid that is there for us, visualize it as golden streams of light in sacred geometrical patterns surrounding the earth. Just observe, be still, feel and send love into this grid, it is a part of the new You!
Send your love into this grid and know that by connecting to this Grid and sharing your love with it you open up the path, you broaden the bandwidth so that others can access this new field more easily.
You can stay or surf this new Grid for as long as you want, when you are ready just come back to this reality, ground yourself and start your day. Remind yourself during the rest of your day of your attunement to Mother Earth and her New Grid. This is important because as you remember this and go through the experience in your head again, you are sending these thoughts into the current consciousness field, creating a new accessible cloud of knowing or accessible experience for all others around you.
You affect reality all the time, become a conscious co creator of this shift in awareness.
Thank yourself as Mother Earth thanks you.
~
Namaste.
From: http://parapachamama.blogspot.com/p/tuning-events.html
Following is the guidel...ine meditation for this coming Full Moon Tuning adjust to your heart feeling :
Upon awakening remind yourself about the intention you have set for this day. Take some time to bring yourself in loving connection with Mother Earth before you start your day.
Think of a place in Nature that you love. Feel this love and expand this love so that you can experience this growing love for all of Nature. Become aware of this love as you focus your center of attention to in your heart.
From your heart, send this pure love down to the earth. Believe and know that Mother Earth will receive it, she is always there. Visualize this love embracing the Mother. As you are in a state of love , know that you are and have always been loved by your Mother.
Now slowly bring your attention to this "new consciousness grid" that is surrounding the earth. Even if you don't know what this is just request of yourself, through love, to become aware of this New Grid and connect to it.
This Grid is an electromagnetic grid that is there for us, visualize it as golden streams of light in sacred geometrical patterns surrounding the earth. Just observe, be still, feel and send love into this grid, it is a part of the new You!
Send your love into this grid and know that by connecting to this Grid and sharing your love with it you open up the path, you broaden the bandwidth so that others can access this new field more easily.
You can stay or surf this new Grid for as long as you want, when you are ready just come back to this reality, ground yourself and start your day. Remind yourself during the rest of your day of your attunement to Mother Earth and her New Grid. This is important because as you remember this and go through the experience in your head again, you are sending these thoughts into the current consciousness field, creating a new accessible cloud of knowing or accessible experience for all others around you.
You affect reality all the time, become a conscious co creator of this shift in awareness.
Thank yourself as Mother Earth thanks you.
~
Namaste.
From: http://parapachamama.blogspot.com/p/tuning-events.html
Kane = the full moon channeller
Okay, so Kane channelled again last night, during the amazing full moon. He really has an affiliation with the moon and it's phases. I think I'll start watching the phases and his behaviour, and see if it's a monthly cycle.
Anywho 2 full moons ago, Kane was telepathically sending words to me from my Grandpa who died 11 years ago, who spoke to him in his dream, there was even imagery of my Grandpa's face instilled in the dream. My Grandpa said 'you are in control and you are beautiful'.
My Grandpa's presence had been through the house a lot in 1-2 months. He'd pop in and out and I could feel him, I knew it was him and when Kane and I experienced him speaking through Kane to me that it was confirmed it was indeed him that was watching me do the dishes! After the experience, his presence wasn't in the house.
So last night, Kane went to bed before me. I was on the computer until at least 2am as I was experience hardcore hay fever, a crappy cough and it was too hot for me to sleep. I heard the door slam and thought it was a fairly huge slam as I had only left it open a small amount for the kittens to go in and out. I decided about 2:30am I'd go to bed. As soon as I was in bed, I felt a presence in the room. I heard the window rattle and slam and jumped. I was coughing a lot and I was very restless so thought I'd see if I could get to sleep and if I couldn't, I'd go to the spare room. The door slammed again and I felt myself freeze. I also heard the window slam again and I was too restless so decided to sleep in the spare room and not wake Kane up as he had to work early.
I woke up in the afternoon to a message from Kane saying he dreamt of Beth last night, he was a bit freaked out and wanted her back.
I called him and he explained that he had indeed dreamt of Beth and each time the door slammed, he saw her standing at the end of the bed in something blue, maybe a blue dress he said. He then said that she seemed angry with him. He then said she was saying things to him but he has no clue what she said. He was shaken by this and said that he really missed her and we both got quite upset.
When I caught up with him after his work, Kane said he felt that he needed to stop with his bullshit, stop procrastinating and being scared of things and to just grab the bull by the horns and go for it, and this is what he interpreted from it. Beth was never an angry person, but she was always the kind of person who would tell people that they were awesome and could do anything! Even if she didn't believe it about herself :(
I had a friend who had a similar dream a week about Beth and it was similar in the way that she was angry with him and then at the end she was happy and laughing.
This friend's mood has changed dramatically in the past week, from sad to happier.
So full moons are fun for Kane and I.
I enjoy the fact we are more connected spiritually and together through all that is happening in our lives.
and we miss you Beth more than anything. RIP.
Anywho 2 full moons ago, Kane was telepathically sending words to me from my Grandpa who died 11 years ago, who spoke to him in his dream, there was even imagery of my Grandpa's face instilled in the dream. My Grandpa said 'you are in control and you are beautiful'.
My Grandpa's presence had been through the house a lot in 1-2 months. He'd pop in and out and I could feel him, I knew it was him and when Kane and I experienced him speaking through Kane to me that it was confirmed it was indeed him that was watching me do the dishes! After the experience, his presence wasn't in the house.
So last night, Kane went to bed before me. I was on the computer until at least 2am as I was experience hardcore hay fever, a crappy cough and it was too hot for me to sleep. I heard the door slam and thought it was a fairly huge slam as I had only left it open a small amount for the kittens to go in and out. I decided about 2:30am I'd go to bed. As soon as I was in bed, I felt a presence in the room. I heard the window rattle and slam and jumped. I was coughing a lot and I was very restless so thought I'd see if I could get to sleep and if I couldn't, I'd go to the spare room. The door slammed again and I felt myself freeze. I also heard the window slam again and I was too restless so decided to sleep in the spare room and not wake Kane up as he had to work early.
I woke up in the afternoon to a message from Kane saying he dreamt of Beth last night, he was a bit freaked out and wanted her back.
I called him and he explained that he had indeed dreamt of Beth and each time the door slammed, he saw her standing at the end of the bed in something blue, maybe a blue dress he said. He then said that she seemed angry with him. He then said she was saying things to him but he has no clue what she said. He was shaken by this and said that he really missed her and we both got quite upset.
When I caught up with him after his work, Kane said he felt that he needed to stop with his bullshit, stop procrastinating and being scared of things and to just grab the bull by the horns and go for it, and this is what he interpreted from it. Beth was never an angry person, but she was always the kind of person who would tell people that they were awesome and could do anything! Even if she didn't believe it about herself :(
I had a friend who had a similar dream a week about Beth and it was similar in the way that she was angry with him and then at the end she was happy and laughing.
This friend's mood has changed dramatically in the past week, from sad to happier.
So full moons are fun for Kane and I.
I enjoy the fact we are more connected spiritually and together through all that is happening in our lives.
and we miss you Beth more than anything. RIP.
Revelation on mental health
Mental illness? is it really an illness? or are people who are experiencing this "disease", which I use loosely as a society term, are actually experiencing a different way of life, or a different way to branch out on the consciousness grid. Anyone who knows what it is like to realise their spirituality and begins the journey to find their true self and improve their life wellbeing, health and looking deep into their soul will know, that it is a long and hard journey. It can cause extreme pain at times, mental, physical and emotional pain.
More and more people these days, "2010" are experiencing depression. It is become more of a phenomenon on a widespread global scale. There is no pattern. There is however, many people who I know just in my day to day life who are realising more about themselves and branching out on finding their "true selves" and able to live their individuality with more freedom than they felt. This is not only just in my age group either, but across a whole scale if age groups. At some point in our life, some of us have been diagnosed with a disorder of the mental illness kind, be it manic depression, a clinical depression, borderline personality disorder or even schizophrenia. Honestly at some point of my height in depression and especially when my body and mind are extremely chemically imbalanced, I will experience symptoms to all of these disorders, making it hard to understand how I can be keyed down to one by a medical handbook, the DSM model.
On that note, who says that these don't overlap, they are just one disorder and the fact that it is more than possible for these disorders to co-morbidly exist and therefore it is just that the one illness has different effects due to neurological and genetic differences.
Kane told me today about a video that he watched that was about a girl with schizophrenia. This girl felt herself starting to watch an ant, becoming more and more intrigued and intensely "insane" as she HAD to watch this ant. The girl then felt like she was getting crazier and crazier and to interpret it into my version of events, most experts would call that 'schizophrenia, the disorder'. One who has been experiencing the different side of mental illness and spirituality as myself would interpret this as this girl was in fact experiencing a shift of the plane of consciousness she was on and even a change in dimension could be possible. The girl experienced herself 'become' the ant, she then could see herself as the ant looking upon her previous human body in her 'episode' and saw herself go 'crazy' and 'nuts' at people around her. Honestly, interpret this in a totally different way to a medical doctor, that the girl actually experienced the changing of the souls into the different bodies, be it human or ant, and the ant could not understand/cope with the change as it is just an ant and does not experience the same 'plane' as humans and freaked out in a sense.
Who says that mental illness is so wrong and bad? I guess if you look at the evolution of mental illness, women were seen as hysteric due to having 'periods' and such bad pains, which we know now as a menstrual period and is understood as nothing to do with mental illness. At some point people were thrown in a hole if known to have a mental illness, or taken away to a hospital and never to be seen again, most probably tested on. Lobotomies were performed, all kinds of horrible testing occurred to understand these different 'disorders'. I find myself more and more each time I feel depressed, get myself back up and then break down again, for whatever reason this is my journey and this is what is meant to happen for me to go 'hey I can be happy! and that's a way better feeling than when I'm depressed, screw feeling like this!'. Each time I feel anxious, i kick it quicker and quicker. Spirituality and meditation have helped this, and talking, chatting to those around me who have had similar problems, speaking out about it and knowing I'm not the only one. I wonder how some people really look at mental illness as a whole and how it's name in society is looked down at. I have a mental illness and I am not afraid to use it!
So, yes, some don't survive. Some become tormented and have to leave this planet. Their soul is too tormented, and feels like it needs to be somewhere else. That can happen. Not everyone is meant to survive mental illness, unfortunately. It is amazing to think that death can bring so many people together, friends, family and enemies can become closer and more understanding of each other due to a mutual friend's death. Sometimes the soul has done all that it can on earth and has learnt all it needed to learn.
Don't ever think that you are weak because you have a mental illness.
Unfortunately you are diagnosed incapable and become to believe it. This has happened recently to me. I believed it. I made myself sick. I was not medically sick, they could not find anything wrong. IN a way, it was stress and was in my head. My body was sick, mentally I felt okay, but my body was yelling out for some attention.
Back to feeling hopeless and believing you are incapable. THIS is not true. YOU can kick this to the curb. IF it comes back, it's just another addiction, like alcohol, cigarettes, sometimes people relapse, (coming from an ex alcoholic, yes this does happen, especially in the hardest of times) BUT you can see yourself through this, LEAN on those willing to help, IGNORE those not willing to help, and get yourself positive and healthy whichever way you can and that suits you.
YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE ABLE. YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO OVERCOME ANYTHING.
LIVE YOUR DREAMS, NOONE ELSES.
AND ABOVE ALL....
....BE YOURSELF!
More and more people these days, "2010" are experiencing depression. It is become more of a phenomenon on a widespread global scale. There is no pattern. There is however, many people who I know just in my day to day life who are realising more about themselves and branching out on finding their "true selves" and able to live their individuality with more freedom than they felt. This is not only just in my age group either, but across a whole scale if age groups. At some point in our life, some of us have been diagnosed with a disorder of the mental illness kind, be it manic depression, a clinical depression, borderline personality disorder or even schizophrenia. Honestly at some point of my height in depression and especially when my body and mind are extremely chemically imbalanced, I will experience symptoms to all of these disorders, making it hard to understand how I can be keyed down to one by a medical handbook, the DSM model.
On that note, who says that these don't overlap, they are just one disorder and the fact that it is more than possible for these disorders to co-morbidly exist and therefore it is just that the one illness has different effects due to neurological and genetic differences.
Kane told me today about a video that he watched that was about a girl with schizophrenia. This girl felt herself starting to watch an ant, becoming more and more intrigued and intensely "insane" as she HAD to watch this ant. The girl then felt like she was getting crazier and crazier and to interpret it into my version of events, most experts would call that 'schizophrenia, the disorder'. One who has been experiencing the different side of mental illness and spirituality as myself would interpret this as this girl was in fact experiencing a shift of the plane of consciousness she was on and even a change in dimension could be possible. The girl experienced herself 'become' the ant, she then could see herself as the ant looking upon her previous human body in her 'episode' and saw herself go 'crazy' and 'nuts' at people around her. Honestly, interpret this in a totally different way to a medical doctor, that the girl actually experienced the changing of the souls into the different bodies, be it human or ant, and the ant could not understand/cope with the change as it is just an ant and does not experience the same 'plane' as humans and freaked out in a sense.
Who says that mental illness is so wrong and bad? I guess if you look at the evolution of mental illness, women were seen as hysteric due to having 'periods' and such bad pains, which we know now as a menstrual period and is understood as nothing to do with mental illness. At some point people were thrown in a hole if known to have a mental illness, or taken away to a hospital and never to be seen again, most probably tested on. Lobotomies were performed, all kinds of horrible testing occurred to understand these different 'disorders'. I find myself more and more each time I feel depressed, get myself back up and then break down again, for whatever reason this is my journey and this is what is meant to happen for me to go 'hey I can be happy! and that's a way better feeling than when I'm depressed, screw feeling like this!'. Each time I feel anxious, i kick it quicker and quicker. Spirituality and meditation have helped this, and talking, chatting to those around me who have had similar problems, speaking out about it and knowing I'm not the only one. I wonder how some people really look at mental illness as a whole and how it's name in society is looked down at. I have a mental illness and I am not afraid to use it!
So, yes, some don't survive. Some become tormented and have to leave this planet. Their soul is too tormented, and feels like it needs to be somewhere else. That can happen. Not everyone is meant to survive mental illness, unfortunately. It is amazing to think that death can bring so many people together, friends, family and enemies can become closer and more understanding of each other due to a mutual friend's death. Sometimes the soul has done all that it can on earth and has learnt all it needed to learn.
Don't ever think that you are weak because you have a mental illness.
Unfortunately you are diagnosed incapable and become to believe it. This has happened recently to me. I believed it. I made myself sick. I was not medically sick, they could not find anything wrong. IN a way, it was stress and was in my head. My body was sick, mentally I felt okay, but my body was yelling out for some attention.
Back to feeling hopeless and believing you are incapable. THIS is not true. YOU can kick this to the curb. IF it comes back, it's just another addiction, like alcohol, cigarettes, sometimes people relapse, (coming from an ex alcoholic, yes this does happen, especially in the hardest of times) BUT you can see yourself through this, LEAN on those willing to help, IGNORE those not willing to help, and get yourself positive and healthy whichever way you can and that suits you.
YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE ABLE. YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO OVERCOME ANYTHING.
LIVE YOUR DREAMS, NOONE ELSES.
AND ABOVE ALL....
....BE YOURSELF!
Friday, November 19, 2010
New things and all that jazz
So. I have a serious chemical imbalance happening at the moment.
I go from being all freaked out to being okay to being tired to being energetic. It's extremely confusing.
I've been trying to get answers from doctors for two weeks, but I think in the end the answer is within myself.
I need to acknowledge what the last 3 months have been for me.
-Troubles with certain crazy uni lecturer
-Anxiety and depression was on a high
-Started on medical drugs to try and sort my chemical imbalance out
-My dear friend killed herself -----and from there... downhill.
It is still hard for me to know that I will never see Bethany again. It's a really hard realisation to make my mind believe it is true.
One thing I am realising though is it's time for me to get better, for me to get healthier, body mind and soul and understand that I am in control of myself.
My dear friend Orhan told me a few home truths today and these fall in the category of, get ya shit together, YOU CAN DO IT!
I can't keep wallowing, I have to get my ass into gear, get a nutrition plan, start a workout and stop letting myself comfort eat myself into being even more unhealthy.
Life is too short not to grab at and run with it!
Love to all.
I go from being all freaked out to being okay to being tired to being energetic. It's extremely confusing.
I've been trying to get answers from doctors for two weeks, but I think in the end the answer is within myself.
I need to acknowledge what the last 3 months have been for me.
-Troubles with certain crazy uni lecturer
-Anxiety and depression was on a high
-Started on medical drugs to try and sort my chemical imbalance out
-My dear friend killed herself -----and from there... downhill.
It is still hard for me to know that I will never see Bethany again. It's a really hard realisation to make my mind believe it is true.
One thing I am realising though is it's time for me to get better, for me to get healthier, body mind and soul and understand that I am in control of myself.
My dear friend Orhan told me a few home truths today and these fall in the category of, get ya shit together, YOU CAN DO IT!
I can't keep wallowing, I have to get my ass into gear, get a nutrition plan, start a workout and stop letting myself comfort eat myself into being even more unhealthy.
Life is too short not to grab at and run with it!
Love to all.
Friday, November 12, 2010
So....
So... death was brought up again last night. I felt very anxious about going to the memorial for Beth. Just because I knew it would bring up a lot of feeling I wasn't sure if I was ready for, having been so sick and having run out of energy. It had been a month and I unconsciously kept thinking about her, let alone going to a memorial for her, bringing up all the pain again. I made the biggest mistake by having a couple drinks, and feeling it today, in the pains of my stomach. On the flip side, I got to see my friends, who I love and talk to them about various things. Everyone is so different, but one thing that makes us all one is our ego and how it can drive us to complete despair. More than 10 people in that room last night had seriously mental illness that could drive them to do what Beth did. I realised last night how much I do want to help people, how calming I could be and say the right things without needing to be too forceful and I actually helped.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
2008 was a hard year. This ones for a guy I fell for but never got.
From a distance I have always loved you
So much, sometimes I cry
The feelings are compelled increasingly
Everytime you walk by.
You speak to me and I am frightened
One look at you and I melt
Why? I cannot answer
It is something I truly had never felt.
We have been friends a long time
I always knew you were the one for me
So many times spent together
I just wish that you could see.
I helped you through some bad times
You helped me through some of mine
We are great together
Especially with help from the wine.
One night I told you I loved you
Yet it was in a drunken haze
After that night I tried to confirm the details
But you only answered totally unfazed.
Only the other day I saw you
You came over to bring in the new year
I still wish for you to love me
Or is that my one true fear?
I am a complicated one
If you come close, I’m sure to push myself away
I hope you pull me back into you
One day, maybe one day.
So much, sometimes I cry
The feelings are compelled increasingly
Everytime you walk by.
You speak to me and I am frightened
One look at you and I melt
Why? I cannot answer
It is something I truly had never felt.
We have been friends a long time
I always knew you were the one for me
So many times spent together
I just wish that you could see.
I helped you through some bad times
You helped me through some of mine
We are great together
Especially with help from the wine.
One night I told you I loved you
Yet it was in a drunken haze
After that night I tried to confirm the details
But you only answered totally unfazed.
Only the other day I saw you
You came over to bring in the new year
I still wish for you to love me
Or is that my one true fear?
I am a complicated one
If you come close, I’m sure to push myself away
I hope you pull me back into you
One day, maybe one day.
For Kane
Love
With every hour,
of every minute
of every second
that I am with you,
my feelings grow
I fall for you.
I've never felt like this,
loving one for their imperfections,
someones company,
someones all,
you are my all,
for now,
right here, right now.
With every hour,
of every minute
of every second
that I am with you,
my feelings grow
I fall for you.
I've never felt like this,
loving one for their imperfections,
someones company,
someones all,
you are my all,
for now,
right here, right now.
Panic
Panic
Sometimes I wish I could be blank.
No erratic thoughts.
Restless.
They take me over.
No relaxation.
Just pure panic.
Not wanting to leave the confined space, that feels safe.
Away from danger and leering face.
My one phobia, people and their judgemental eyes.
I can't breathe.
Cannot swallow.
I close my eyes and imagine I am somewhere else.
The air is fresh.
I can breathe once again.
For the next few moments I am at peace.
Sometimes I wish I could be blank.
No erratic thoughts.
Restless.
They take me over.
No relaxation.
Just pure panic.
Not wanting to leave the confined space, that feels safe.
Away from danger and leering face.
My one phobia, people and their judgemental eyes.
I can't breathe.
Cannot swallow.
I close my eyes and imagine I am somewhere else.
The air is fresh.
I can breathe once again.
For the next few moments I am at peace.
A poem I wrote when I was drinking.... a lot
Passion
The bottle is my passion,
My one true love.
My only comfort, my only constant.
When I am down, I drink, my problems dissapear.
It sometimes ruins my pride,
that's not the point.
I asked for a double didn't I?
mm yes where were we?
Yes.
Passion, desire, no I'm just thirsty, I swear.
The bottle is my passion,
My one true love.
My only comfort, my only constant.
When I am down, I drink, my problems dissapear.
It sometimes ruins my pride,
that's not the point.
I asked for a double didn't I?
mm yes where were we?
Yes.
Passion, desire, no I'm just thirsty, I swear.
RIP JARROD
RIP
Memories scattered,
Being me back to that day.
I feel so sad.
I lost you.
My one true friend.
Common ground.
You were so kind and for what?
One night of fun?
I still grieve for you.
It was nine years ago.
I feel my throat get dry.
I can't swallow.
I miss you.
It makes me sad that you will never grow up,
do the things I have.
RIP.
Memories scattered,
Being me back to that day.
I feel so sad.
I lost you.
My one true friend.
Common ground.
You were so kind and for what?
One night of fun?
I still grieve for you.
It was nine years ago.
I feel my throat get dry.
I can't swallow.
I miss you.
It makes me sad that you will never grow up,
do the things I have.
RIP.
The last goodbye
The last goodbye
I thought we would last longer than we did,
In the end. I am. Humiliated. Hurt. Broken. Messy.
Sometimes I revel in hating you.
Sometimes I miss your everything and I smile.
You disgust me, but I also can't help but miss you.
What a mess.
I am no longer anything, but ripped apart at the seams and discarded.
I wonder,
Do you even miss me?
Where did I go wrong?
Did you ever feel anything for me?
Was I just another pawn on the chessboard?
Thanks for nothing.
I wish I never met you.
Another lesson learnt.
Another heartache to recover from.
Another goodbye.
Uncontrollable emotions.
It is going to be okay, I will convince myself.
I thought we would last longer than we did,
In the end. I am. Humiliated. Hurt. Broken. Messy.
Sometimes I revel in hating you.
Sometimes I miss your everything and I smile.
You disgust me, but I also can't help but miss you.
What a mess.
I am no longer anything, but ripped apart at the seams and discarded.
I wonder,
Do you even miss me?
Where did I go wrong?
Did you ever feel anything for me?
Was I just another pawn on the chessboard?
Thanks for nothing.
I wish I never met you.
Another lesson learnt.
Another heartache to recover from.
Another goodbye.
Uncontrollable emotions.
It is going to be okay, I will convince myself.
The world stopped
The world stopped
I was with you.
Laying in the sand.
Side by side,
Hand in hand.
My heart was yours.
I would have been yours forever.
I wish you could see,
and not run away.
I'd have done anything for you,
I still would.
Nothing mattered when we were together,
but us.
At that moment,
I stopped breathing.
It didn't feel real.
It felt like a fairytale.
The world had stopped.
Time stood still.
That was it,
right there and then.
You will always be in my heart.
As they say,
you never forget your first love.
I was with you.
Laying in the sand.
Side by side,
Hand in hand.
My heart was yours.
I would have been yours forever.
I wish you could see,
and not run away.
I'd have done anything for you,
I still would.
Nothing mattered when we were together,
but us.
At that moment,
I stopped breathing.
It didn't feel real.
It felt like a fairytale.
The world had stopped.
Time stood still.
That was it,
right there and then.
You will always be in my heart.
As they say,
you never forget your first love.
Two sides of me.
I have two sides,
One side that is hurt, humiliated, heartbroken, lost and scared,
but the other is motivated.
Motivated to show myself,
show who I am,
and what I can do.
I will be successful.
I will be everything I can be,
I have potential.
The hurt will go,
The humilitation will never destroy me,
I've been through worse.
The difference this time?
I have the most amazing support from friends.
Hold me when I'm so upset my body is numb from pain,
when my soul feels like it's drifting in a black hole.
One side that is hurt, humiliated, heartbroken, lost and scared,
but the other is motivated.
Motivated to show myself,
show who I am,
and what I can do.
I will be successful.
I will be everything I can be,
I have potential.
The hurt will go,
The humilitation will never destroy me,
I've been through worse.
The difference this time?
I have the most amazing support from friends.
Hold me when I'm so upset my body is numb from pain,
when my soul feels like it's drifting in a black hole.
Wishing...
Wishing i was there,
holding you in my arms,
wishing i never made a promise,
to finish what i had started.
Wish i didn't have to be here,
in this damn unforsaken hole,
which makes me feel unlike me.
It makes me hate myself,
makes me so unhappy i want to run away.
Wishing i didnt need you so bad,
wishing you didnt need me so bad.
holding you in my arms,
wishing i never made a promise,
to finish what i had started.
Wish i didn't have to be here,
in this damn unforsaken hole,
which makes me feel unlike me.
It makes me hate myself,
makes me so unhappy i want to run away.
Wishing i didnt need you so bad,
wishing you didnt need me so bad.
Just Words
I wrote this in 2008.
Just words
Laying next to you, though you left today.
Laying next to you, with nothing left to say.
You've ruined my trust, for a short while.
Nothing was said, you just left.
You gave me no explanation.
I feel somewhere there was a disconnection.
Not sure where.
Now it's too late to say, I miss you.
You're in my dreams and walking around in my mind.
It makes me very tired.
You're all I ever think of at night, and day.
I miss you more than words could ever say.
I feel a shudder of sadness.
It's time to walk away.
From us and our memories.
From all that we used to be.
Do you remember?
Once you said we'd be together forever, but I guess you lied.
I guess that's life..?
Just words
Laying next to you, though you left today.
Laying next to you, with nothing left to say.
You've ruined my trust, for a short while.
Nothing was said, you just left.
You gave me no explanation.
I feel somewhere there was a disconnection.
Not sure where.
Now it's too late to say, I miss you.
You're in my dreams and walking around in my mind.
It makes me very tired.
You're all I ever think of at night, and day.
I miss you more than words could ever say.
I feel a shudder of sadness.
It's time to walk away.
From us and our memories.
From all that we used to be.
Do you remember?
Once you said we'd be together forever, but I guess you lied.
I guess that's life..?
Flame Trees
I remember all the people who have left Earth that made an impact on my life today.
I had a friend when I was 15, Jarrod Boorer. Jarrod helped me from being bullied at school and we had the same taste in music. I only got to know Jarrod in year 9 when he was driving with a mate and they crashed and Jarrod died. That was really hard to understand.
Only a couple months later, my beloved grandfather died. My grandfather was an amazing man. Wesley Walter George was his name. My grandpa used to play the most beautiful piano. He was a lecturer at one stage and I remember him being a jolly man. He had a big belly and loved playing santa at Christmas time. Grandpa used to help us with our homework and was very loving towards us. I remember Grandpa used to be the head of the family, at the dinner table and everything else. He was so chilled out though and would sit and just be quiet most of the time. Grandpa didn't like cats but my cat used to love sitting on his lap!
Grandpa was always warm hearted and never hurt us or anything. He was the most loving grandpa I could have ever had in my life. I loved going to visit my grandparents and when I found out he had a stroke one morning, I couldn't believe it. I woke up and I was shocked my parents had let us sleep in as it was 10am. I went into my parents room and I saw my dad sitting at the end of his bed. I asked what was wrong and I think he was really quiet and was having trouble speaking. He told me to wake up my brothers and so I did. He then told us Grandpa had a stroke that morning and wasn't waking up. I don't think I grieved for him for about 10 years.
I honestly did not know how to understand death at all for all of that time. Grandpa never woke up. As much as I sat with him, holding his hand and trying to get him to wake up in tears, he never did. His funeral was beautiful and I remember my father breaking down. My mother did not want to believe it had happened and touched the coffin, not wanting it to be real. There were so many things we did not get to say to him.. even just goodbye.
I did not have to face death for a very long time after my Grandpa died.
Last year in May, my Uncle John died of prostate cancer. Uncle John's death shook me a little. Not as much as the others, as I had cleaned my act up, stopped drinking (which had lasted 10 years) and was looking at life differently.
I still had problems with death, but not as much as when I was younger. The funeral was beautiful and not religious and really helped me say goodbye. I did not get to see Uncle John in his latter days as I had lived in Perth, but he was one of those family friends who'd have dropped anything for us.
I am just glad he got to meet his grandson, even if it wasn't for long. We were glad he had left this Earth as he was so incredibly sick and tired all the time from the cancer.
Only a month ago a close friend, Bethany, committed suicide. This has been the hardest death to cope with. It still is hard to deal with. Hard to understand. Hard to act. Hard to get on with life. So many questions unanswered.
Jarrod's death had rocked me as a teenager and I could never get any answers for why he had to die so young, but I did not know him as well as I knew Beth.
Grandpa was 74 and as much as he left my Grandma who is still living to this day, nearly 11 years later, he had lived an amazing life, had amazing kids and grandchildren.
Uncle John had died at 50. Having lived a longer life as well and getting to meet his grandson, he had accomplished so much, but Beth's death, at 24, really shook me.
It's still hard to speak about her in past tense.
I had a friend when I was 15, Jarrod Boorer. Jarrod helped me from being bullied at school and we had the same taste in music. I only got to know Jarrod in year 9 when he was driving with a mate and they crashed and Jarrod died. That was really hard to understand.
Only a couple months later, my beloved grandfather died. My grandfather was an amazing man. Wesley Walter George was his name. My grandpa used to play the most beautiful piano. He was a lecturer at one stage and I remember him being a jolly man. He had a big belly and loved playing santa at Christmas time. Grandpa used to help us with our homework and was very loving towards us. I remember Grandpa used to be the head of the family, at the dinner table and everything else. He was so chilled out though and would sit and just be quiet most of the time. Grandpa didn't like cats but my cat used to love sitting on his lap!
Grandpa was always warm hearted and never hurt us or anything. He was the most loving grandpa I could have ever had in my life. I loved going to visit my grandparents and when I found out he had a stroke one morning, I couldn't believe it. I woke up and I was shocked my parents had let us sleep in as it was 10am. I went into my parents room and I saw my dad sitting at the end of his bed. I asked what was wrong and I think he was really quiet and was having trouble speaking. He told me to wake up my brothers and so I did. He then told us Grandpa had a stroke that morning and wasn't waking up. I don't think I grieved for him for about 10 years.
I honestly did not know how to understand death at all for all of that time. Grandpa never woke up. As much as I sat with him, holding his hand and trying to get him to wake up in tears, he never did. His funeral was beautiful and I remember my father breaking down. My mother did not want to believe it had happened and touched the coffin, not wanting it to be real. There were so many things we did not get to say to him.. even just goodbye.
I did not have to face death for a very long time after my Grandpa died.
Last year in May, my Uncle John died of prostate cancer. Uncle John's death shook me a little. Not as much as the others, as I had cleaned my act up, stopped drinking (which had lasted 10 years) and was looking at life differently.
I still had problems with death, but not as much as when I was younger. The funeral was beautiful and not religious and really helped me say goodbye. I did not get to see Uncle John in his latter days as I had lived in Perth, but he was one of those family friends who'd have dropped anything for us.
I am just glad he got to meet his grandson, even if it wasn't for long. We were glad he had left this Earth as he was so incredibly sick and tired all the time from the cancer.
Only a month ago a close friend, Bethany, committed suicide. This has been the hardest death to cope with. It still is hard to deal with. Hard to understand. Hard to act. Hard to get on with life. So many questions unanswered.
Jarrod's death had rocked me as a teenager and I could never get any answers for why he had to die so young, but I did not know him as well as I knew Beth.
Grandpa was 74 and as much as he left my Grandma who is still living to this day, nearly 11 years later, he had lived an amazing life, had amazing kids and grandchildren.
Uncle John had died at 50. Having lived a longer life as well and getting to meet his grandson, he had accomplished so much, but Beth's death, at 24, really shook me.
It's still hard to speak about her in past tense.
Lost souls
I always thought you were the strong one. I came to you for advice and you helped me understand the world a little more each time we spoke. However a month ago you took your own life. You did not want to exist and did not want to be here on Earth anymore. I cannot believe that I was taking advice from someone who I thought was so strong and sure of life and themselves, yet you were so lost and did not want to be found. It hurts that I won't see you again. It hurts that I won't get to hear your voice, hear your laugh, or make fun of anything and everything again. It really hurts that it has been a month and I did not see your pain, I only saw mine. I know you're in a better place, I know that you were unhappy here on Earth. I know that I wouldn't want you to feel tormented, but that doesn't mean I don't want you back. Your smile resonates in my memories forever and I cannot forget you. You were only in my life for a short time, but that was long enough to touch me like a sister. You were classy, funny, silly, crazy, adventurous and comical. I love you as much as Bert Newton. RIP Bethy.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Weird dream I had
I had such a bad dream. I was having a house inspection and took a taxi, but the taxi dropped me off at my friends place instead and I wasn't sure why, I felt really drunk and fuzzy and couldn't work my phone. I knew I wasn't heaps far from home and could call Kane to try get hold of him. He was at my parents house. I checked my pockets and I had no money at all, just my mobile phone. As I was running along the road this asian guy pulled up and said 'hey is this your purse', not remembering if I even had a purse as I was still feeling that real fuzzy feeling, I said YEAH THAT'S MINE! He drove off and I grabbed the money out of it, the bus ticket and kept running. The train seemed forever away. I knew it wasn't far and as I got to the train station the asian popped up again and started hassling me. He was telling me that I now owe him the money. I said 'but you gave that to me?' feeling really confused. I then said 'FINE HAVE ALL THE MONEY AND THE TICKET I DON'T CARE' and he got out a gun. It was only a small one, but I was still really scared. He had about 4 friends with him. I wrestled the gun out of his hands and shot them all and ran away. I was able to get on the train and get home. I got home and Kane was in the shower with another girl and not even phased that I had been missing for so long. I went into our room and he had a whole lot of presents, because it was his birthday, from my parents and I thought to myself, how can he be so not caring about this? My parents have just given him so many presents. i am a bit blank after that but Kane and I were walking somewhere and I said 'watch out for a white car'. Sure enough the white car came along, we ran off into someones house and tried to hide but the asian found us. We were taken to the backyard and after much hasseling and deliberating, Kane was shot in the head and I was shot a few times and left to bleed, tortured. Georgia was there and she was talking casually as if nothing was even happening. I woke up at the point of laying there going in and our of consciousness.
To me this dream symbolises that this has happened to me before in a past life. I watched Kane die, and I believe it is telling me to keep on the right path that I am going, for health and happiness. Still spun me out though.
Similar as I've experienced before and I know now that I am on the right path and that I need to keep up the healing process to keep learning lessons and staying positive, healthy and happy.
To me this dream symbolises that this has happened to me before in a past life. I watched Kane die, and I believe it is telling me to keep on the right path that I am going, for health and happiness. Still spun me out though.
Similar as I've experienced before and I know now that I am on the right path and that I need to keep up the healing process to keep learning lessons and staying positive, healthy and happy.
Kane Allans thoughts
channeling the void via mandalic imagery, reconnect the lost via calm collected energy, tame the chaos of passion from frustrated spasms into charged focus, take on the world without fear of an enemy. ~ Kane Allan
A poem I wrote after a recent close friend's suicide
Everyone believes in something different, here's my take on life/death and my becoming to face my major fear...
by Rachella Kargerstein on Sunday, 24 October 2010 at 01:45
First paragraph is in ref to past lives I learnt about today so not this lifetime's family.. but I felt it...
I learnt about my life today,
In so many different ways.
The way I was forced to witness slaughter,
I was held and watched them slain.
I always feared about death and such,
What happens after our last breath?
Where does it leave us?
When we finally reach death?
I had some questions answered today,
Which really helped me know.
After I die, I live another life,
I get another go.
I get another go to learn.
To learn lessons about my soul
Who I am and what I can do,
This is my soul's living goal.
by Rachella Kargerstein on Sunday, 24 October 2010 at 01:45
First paragraph is in ref to past lives I learnt about today so not this lifetime's family.. but I felt it...
I learnt about my life today,
In so many different ways.
The way I was forced to witness slaughter,
I was held and watched them slain.
I always feared about death and such,
What happens after our last breath?
Where does it leave us?
When we finally reach death?
I had some questions answered today,
Which really helped me know.
After I die, I live another life,
I get another go.
I get another go to learn.
To learn lessons about my soul
Who I am and what I can do,
This is my soul's living goal.
From a friend (Julia)
Life is truely what you make of it and i'm all about the balance. Be good to yourself and you then have the energy and power to be good to others. Without this we can feel weighted down by our barriors. Take these weights off your sholders and make the most of the one life we are given. The universe will thankyou for it.
Demons
Confronting your demons is sometimes the hardest thing you can do. Once you can identify them and detach them from who YOU truely are and what THEY truely are you gain your control back! ~ Julia Grazier
A quote from a friend
Happiness is what we make of it. The more we make, the more we have. What is your plan for creating and sustaining your own happiness in life? ~ Hal
What is depression to me?
Depression to me is ultimately not a feeling however just the fact I have not been listening to my body, mind or soul. The ego has taken over and corrupted the once healed me... I feel much joy knowing I am once again healing.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Nothing is written in stone and the future can be changed
Nothing is written in stone. The future is fluid and holds many probably outcomes and results, all of which are dependent upon the choices we make today as individuals and as a collective human family. If we don't like what we hear about the future, then we have the power to change it.
Are you ready for change?
At an unconscious spiritual level, Earth's population is aware that this dimensional change is already under way, and this is one of the reasons why fears about the future are rising to the surface of mass consciousness, Many people are feeling anxious, restless and unsettled, yet consciously are unable to say what is that is making them feel this way. In the third dimension we have a very strong concept of death and destruction and fear that there will soon be an end to "ALL THAT IS". And whilst this does have an element of truth because the world "as we know it" will cease to exist, this does not mean death and destruction. It simply means change. Are you ready for the change?
Come on.... YOU CAN DO IT!
Know that you are safe and protected whilst you undergo this discovery. How long this letting go process will take will depend on how thick your walls are. With each stone of the wall that is removed, the lighter you will become and more joyous you will feel. The lightness will encourage you to continue. Be realistic and see yourself for who you really are! See yourself as a super human, multi- dimensional, evolved, cultured, milti talented, spiritual being!!!
Follow the leader? Or break off?
I am still learning. Just like you. We never stop learning! Many a time you will toss in the towel. You will want to revert back to the "old" you, to once again join the ranks of the unconscious majority who prefer to play the game of "follow the leader" (those I like to call drones). You will want to rejoin the herd so to speak. The instinctual ego feels safety is in numbers. Why risk ridicule by splitting off from the herd and going it alone? The ego asks.
ying and yang
One cannot experience and feelhot unless there is cold, health unless there is sickness, joy unless there is sorrow, love unless there is hatred, forgiveness unless there is anger, compasion unless there is bitterness, masculinity unless there is femininity and so on.
Take 5 minutes out to heal yourself..
Just because life is getting hard, don't let it get you down. If you are stressed, sit down for 5 minutes, breathe some good in and some bad out. Some ego out and some healing in. Trust me, relax yourself and you will feel better. Heal your body, heal your mind, heal where it hurts the most. Don't keep pushing on thinking it will get better. ♥
I get tired of...
What I get sick of is we keep getting these hurdles and it feels like the hurdles are getting harder and harder to deal with... but in the end the challenges and lessons that we have to learn are bigger to help us with our journey no matter how hard they are and seem at the time.
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