I went to a music and community festival on the weekend called Reconnect. Reconnect is created by the crew :Astral Lotus: every year. Astral Lotus do amazing work and put together one of the most important shows for Adelaide and interstaters. This year proved different for my partner and I as there were going to be people at the festival who we were not going to be able to "reconnect with". Certain people who had very much hurt our friends, lied to them and treated them badly. As soon as we arrived, we saw their camp and my heart started racing, I started to feel sick in my stomach, I got dizzy and was unsure if it was going to be a good weekend at all. However I soon recognised that they were merely defense mechanisms and it was these mechanism patterns that I needed to break to take back my ability to cope. I started talking to my partner about how it made me feel (communication is SO important in these instances as it helps the mind recognise what is going on and help keeps it calmer) we started talking about how we felt, what we wanted to do, whether we wanted to run away or stay and confront. In the end my intuition was telling me that we could live in the same environment, it would just take my ability to forgive but not forget, with a little twist of putting myself into the confrontation, so to learn that it does not have to be a negative experience IF it is on my terms. So any chance I go, I sat in the same tent, walked near them, just made myself confront the issue, even though I did not speak to them, it was enough for me to realise WE COULD live in the same environment and not have to be upset or angry.
I have no idea how they felt, but I had a great weekend even though they were there and it really made me realise how quickly I can get myself into a stressful point without thinking or talking it out.
Reconnect was a beautiful festival, with a cleansing ceremony at the start. I felt the white sage release my emotional pain and it actually took a physical effect on myself! Powerful stuff! Witnessing that was beautiful.
Reconnect festival also helped my partner and I reconnect with ourselves and each other. We had both been disconnected from ourselves - not necessarily looking after ourselves and being disconnected from each other, however the festival really helped us appreciate more in life and we started to realise this whilst being away.
This weekend has been one of the most important experiences in my life, teaching me lessons, helping me trust my intuition more, understanding people and the way they behave and most importantly reconnecting with the old friends and making new friends, also eating awesome vego food!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Written for mindshare.org.au
Rachel Carger
I am a 27 year old female, living in Adelaide. I have been studying a Bachelor of Social Work since 2009. I have experienced severe depression and had suicidal tendencies since I was 15, however I have spent the past year dealing with internal issues and have a brand new lease on life. I have created ‘Kill the Silence’ which is an art and music showcase for awareness of depression and suicide, with the proceeds/donations going to charity. I always endeavor to a help my community grow and for everyone to feel loved in life.
Blog.
It’s time for change.
For so much of my life I have felt like I had to fit in. I had to look a certain way to be accepted within society or amongst certain scenes I was around. I knew I was never satisfied by this and I saw how superficial I was living. I knew from my thoughts that I was not satisfied and this had to change. I could live my life living this consistent fear; however where would that get me? I wasn't happy within myself and I could feel myself spiraling further downward. I cared too much about what people thought about me and whether they would find me attractive or not. If I was ever going to be able to lose weight and actually love myself for who I was I had to take drastic measures so that I could love myself again for who I was. I did not want to be a slave to society to have to look a certain way to be valued. The decision was difficult but also easy to make. Hair will grow back, yet the fear has been vanquished. I feel like I can be myself and I know from doing this I will no longer let it control my every decision, all of my anxieties. I am throwing myself to the lions of society, it will not be conquered straight, and however patience is a virtue. I am more confident than ever. I was afraid of how people would react, however I am not doing this for anyone but myself, so it does not matter!
The sheer terror that I witness coming out of people these days, the absolute self-disgust projected as distrust for everyone around them, distrust of probably some of the only people that had time for them that could have helped them. Its mad, because its projected as a call to get away from the problems and the hate but it’s the exact opposite, your actions ARE the CORE of the hate and the destruction. There are serious life values that need to change, real inner fears that need to be faced. Everyone has the potential to better themselves and become one with their body/mind/soul complex, not even in a higher self-zen way but just a bit of self-awareness that could achieve a more constructive way of life. It takes a conscious effort though, it’s not a matter with your external world, and your external world is a reflection of your internal struggle. You have to do that terrible thing and drop the story, everything you have decided you are you have to drop, let it go, vanish into the ether. There is nothing about you that is defined that is established, to be established you have to refuse new information. That day you stopped changing is the day you died. Reject all fundamental truths about yourself, they are all ego motivated and justified to protect a fragile lie from falling apart. Break yourself apart, right back to the base, as soon as you do you can start building again, but not with stone this time, build with formless energy. Everything you are can change in a second, one day you may find the great joy in the temporary, the great freedom in nothingness.
…..and trust me, it won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it.
I am a 27 year old female, living in Adelaide. I have been studying a Bachelor of Social Work since 2009. I have experienced severe depression and had suicidal tendencies since I was 15, however I have spent the past year dealing with internal issues and have a brand new lease on life. I have created ‘Kill the Silence’ which is an art and music showcase for awareness of depression and suicide, with the proceeds/donations going to charity. I always endeavor to a help my community grow and for everyone to feel loved in life.
Blog.
It’s time for change.
For so much of my life I have felt like I had to fit in. I had to look a certain way to be accepted within society or amongst certain scenes I was around. I knew I was never satisfied by this and I saw how superficial I was living. I knew from my thoughts that I was not satisfied and this had to change. I could live my life living this consistent fear; however where would that get me? I wasn't happy within myself and I could feel myself spiraling further downward. I cared too much about what people thought about me and whether they would find me attractive or not. If I was ever going to be able to lose weight and actually love myself for who I was I had to take drastic measures so that I could love myself again for who I was. I did not want to be a slave to society to have to look a certain way to be valued. The decision was difficult but also easy to make. Hair will grow back, yet the fear has been vanquished. I feel like I can be myself and I know from doing this I will no longer let it control my every decision, all of my anxieties. I am throwing myself to the lions of society, it will not be conquered straight, and however patience is a virtue. I am more confident than ever. I was afraid of how people would react, however I am not doing this for anyone but myself, so it does not matter!
The sheer terror that I witness coming out of people these days, the absolute self-disgust projected as distrust for everyone around them, distrust of probably some of the only people that had time for them that could have helped them. Its mad, because its projected as a call to get away from the problems and the hate but it’s the exact opposite, your actions ARE the CORE of the hate and the destruction. There are serious life values that need to change, real inner fears that need to be faced. Everyone has the potential to better themselves and become one with their body/mind/soul complex, not even in a higher self-zen way but just a bit of self-awareness that could achieve a more constructive way of life. It takes a conscious effort though, it’s not a matter with your external world, and your external world is a reflection of your internal struggle. You have to do that terrible thing and drop the story, everything you have decided you are you have to drop, let it go, vanish into the ether. There is nothing about you that is defined that is established, to be established you have to refuse new information. That day you stopped changing is the day you died. Reject all fundamental truths about yourself, they are all ego motivated and justified to protect a fragile lie from falling apart. Break yourself apart, right back to the base, as soon as you do you can start building again, but not with stone this time, build with formless energy. Everything you are can change in a second, one day you may find the great joy in the temporary, the great freedom in nothingness.
…..and trust me, it won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Emotional pain = Weight gain
So I've been really having a good think lately, mostly about weight loss and the emotional weight on weight loss. I know what helps lose weight as it is something I've been doing for the past 5 months. I really realised latelu though that if I don't properly deal with my emotional issues that cause severe emotional stress, then I am going to put the weight back on. All of the weight I have lost so far I really refer to as losing protection or emotional pain and not weight as that's how I see it. The more weight I lose, the more emotional issues I'm dealing with and in such a way that I am really noticing the difference in how I see the world and other people.
I'll give an example.
Recently I had severe issues with a housemate. In the past I'd have let the emotions drive me into despair and a kind of stress that created adrenalin madness and I would breakdown and never forgive them. I did go through the usual stressful emotional draining of pain from being treated badly, however I was able to forgive and understand that the actions taken against me were not malicious and were in fact done in such a way that were not purposefully impacting on me. The actions did not reflect me as a friend, however the person who was causing the actions, therefore no maliciousness was involved and I was able to pull any kind of defence I felt necessary and forgive.
This emotional issue that I was able to understand and forgive has really gained me a lot of insight into my own confidence and understanding that I let that emotional pain take me over and I DO have the choice to push it away and have the focus that the person who is causing the issue has no meaning behind it, they are just in a bad place.
I'll give an example.
Recently I had severe issues with a housemate. In the past I'd have let the emotions drive me into despair and a kind of stress that created adrenalin madness and I would breakdown and never forgive them. I did go through the usual stressful emotional draining of pain from being treated badly, however I was able to forgive and understand that the actions taken against me were not malicious and were in fact done in such a way that were not purposefully impacting on me. The actions did not reflect me as a friend, however the person who was causing the actions, therefore no maliciousness was involved and I was able to pull any kind of defence I felt necessary and forgive.
This emotional issue that I was able to understand and forgive has really gained me a lot of insight into my own confidence and understanding that I let that emotional pain take me over and I DO have the choice to push it away and have the focus that the person who is causing the issue has no meaning behind it, they are just in a bad place.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Appt with lyn.
I've just realised I haven't updated since my first appointment with Lyn and my life was completely changed for the better.
Intense dietary and exercise focus has = 16 kg loss
Intense sense of self getting back = almost no anxiety and increase in confidence
Intense dealing with repressed emotions and issues that were creating constant fears
Learning to love myself
Learning to believe in myself
Learning to LISTEN to myself
What an amazing 5 months it has been!
Intense dietary and exercise focus has = 16 kg loss
Intense sense of self getting back = almost no anxiety and increase in confidence
Intense dealing with repressed emotions and issues that were creating constant fears
Learning to love myself
Learning to believe in myself
Learning to LISTEN to myself
What an amazing 5 months it has been!
After a long departure, I'm back
I have been away for a while. Trying to live the ups and downs of life, the ins and outs, trials and tribulations. Uni and work toook a strong hold on any life I had for quite a while, but now I'm back!
So something I've been learning about lately is about defence systems. We all according to Freud have an ego defence mechanism and this is often what can keep conflict going without an ability to just let go.
I always saw defending yourself as a vital thing in life because it's unfair to have people trolloping around accusing you of things that are completely unjust. However, I have now learnt that people will only hear what they want anyway, so if someone that feels a victim in a situation is talking trash, whoever they are telling will hear them and make their own judgement completely external anyway, no matter if they believe it or not, then if I went around convincing people I was the one who was full of truth, what's the point? It feels like it would be a whole lot of wasted breath as those that know who I am as a selfless person would know I do not act within a selfish realm and know I am rational in thought and fair in judgement.
In other words, let them say and think what they want, if you know that you acted with complete diligence and fairness than take that upon your sense of self and be happy.
In the end, you're all that matters as you're the only one you can completely trust.
So something I've been learning about lately is about defence systems. We all according to Freud have an ego defence mechanism and this is often what can keep conflict going without an ability to just let go.
I always saw defending yourself as a vital thing in life because it's unfair to have people trolloping around accusing you of things that are completely unjust. However, I have now learnt that people will only hear what they want anyway, so if someone that feels a victim in a situation is talking trash, whoever they are telling will hear them and make their own judgement completely external anyway, no matter if they believe it or not, then if I went around convincing people I was the one who was full of truth, what's the point? It feels like it would be a whole lot of wasted breath as those that know who I am as a selfless person would know I do not act within a selfish realm and know I am rational in thought and fair in judgement.
In other words, let them say and think what they want, if you know that you acted with complete diligence and fairness than take that upon your sense of self and be happy.
In the end, you're all that matters as you're the only one you can completely trust.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Old.
Its amazing how my anxiety was at its best when I was a drunk.
I miss how it took away my fears and manic urges.
I took myself off my medication, it does nothing. I feel more anxious than ever.
It’s funny though. i get angry at my boyfriend for not being able to hide his anxiety better, how rude of me. It’s just I have spent my lifetime hiding what happens in my mind and why should he be able to let it out? That’s not fair!
I still get compulsive urges. To tidy something up, or move something because it doesn’t seem right. I find it hard at my boyfriends house because everything is so messy. I can handle my bedroom, because it’s my disorganised chaos. I can also handle my boyfriends bedroom, however the rest of the house, I feel like I have to constantly clean and scrub. I have always had this weird compulsive urge to write out a word or number or a multiple of numbers. It sounds weird, I’d hear a word and I had to write it out in my head or on a surface or i’d freak out and couldn’t handle it. I also do that with numbers, sometimes I’ll think of a number, or I’d hear a number and I’d have to write it out in my head, or on a surface. I told my boyfriend about this so now he thinks its funny when I do it, which is fine because he accepts that.
I read a book tonight, about a boy who started having tourette urges and OCD. After a billion (no exaggeration) medicines, he was rehab’d back from his OCD and his tourettes got better and he could exist naturally once again. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I have a mental case of OCD. My fears can become very exagerrated and I will think of some of the most extreme things happening and then obsess on them, and this guy in the book had the same thing. I also obsess on dying and will wake up in the middle of the night from a panic attack in my sleep. I have panic attacks just as I’m going to sleep. At the moment a meditation cd is helping me relax before I sleep as I was told by my psych in Perth that the panic attacks in my sleep are flight/fight.
I am glad I am off the meds. I feel no different being off them, which is weird. I should be freaking out and being mega depressed, but I’m not. I still can’t handle stress and this is the main factor for my depression and anxiety. Also when I get stressed the first thing I want to do is get drunk or smoke to get rid of the odd feelings.
It’s funny, my boyfriend thinks I’m so together, and I have to remind him, it’s because it’s all in my head, and I let noone know, NOONE.
End note : I’m fucking mental and I love it.
I miss how it took away my fears and manic urges.
I took myself off my medication, it does nothing. I feel more anxious than ever.
It’s funny though. i get angry at my boyfriend for not being able to hide his anxiety better, how rude of me. It’s just I have spent my lifetime hiding what happens in my mind and why should he be able to let it out? That’s not fair!
I still get compulsive urges. To tidy something up, or move something because it doesn’t seem right. I find it hard at my boyfriends house because everything is so messy. I can handle my bedroom, because it’s my disorganised chaos. I can also handle my boyfriends bedroom, however the rest of the house, I feel like I have to constantly clean and scrub. I have always had this weird compulsive urge to write out a word or number or a multiple of numbers. It sounds weird, I’d hear a word and I had to write it out in my head or on a surface or i’d freak out and couldn’t handle it. I also do that with numbers, sometimes I’ll think of a number, or I’d hear a number and I’d have to write it out in my head, or on a surface. I told my boyfriend about this so now he thinks its funny when I do it, which is fine because he accepts that.
I read a book tonight, about a boy who started having tourette urges and OCD. After a billion (no exaggeration) medicines, he was rehab’d back from his OCD and his tourettes got better and he could exist naturally once again. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I have a mental case of OCD. My fears can become very exagerrated and I will think of some of the most extreme things happening and then obsess on them, and this guy in the book had the same thing. I also obsess on dying and will wake up in the middle of the night from a panic attack in my sleep. I have panic attacks just as I’m going to sleep. At the moment a meditation cd is helping me relax before I sleep as I was told by my psych in Perth that the panic attacks in my sleep are flight/fight.
I am glad I am off the meds. I feel no different being off them, which is weird. I should be freaking out and being mega depressed, but I’m not. I still can’t handle stress and this is the main factor for my depression and anxiety. Also when I get stressed the first thing I want to do is get drunk or smoke to get rid of the odd feelings.
It’s funny, my boyfriend thinks I’m so together, and I have to remind him, it’s because it’s all in my head, and I let noone know, NOONE.
End note : I’m fucking mental and I love it.
MEss.
I remember standing drunk in a freezing cold shower, to try and make my body feel something, instead of being so numb like it had been lately, I was fuelled with thoughts of suicide. I hated myself and why should I bother to keep sustaining life when I was such a failure and would never amount to anything. This is something I have constantly felt throughout my life. I don’t remember ever feeling good enough to actually do anything meaningful with my life. When these kind of thoughts are flooding your mind, it is hard to see any clarity and meaning in life. There was a constant emotional rollercoaster and I never knew how I would feel when I woke up in the morning. Whether I’d roll over and go back to sleep and not want to wake up until well into the afternoon, to hide from life and it’s consequences, or whether I’d jump out of bed full of happiness and positive outlook for the day ahead. Who knew.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Whats going on!
I found out my adrenal glands are working overtime and that's why I've been so ill lately and tired.
I have been starving myself unintentionally, by not eating proper foods at proper meal times. My body has been stressing out from my adrenal glands working overtime and it can't handle it.
I am now on a better eating plan and enjoying it so far, I feel like I'm finally making a difference.
I am going to have to exercise a little too but that's okay, I now feel I can do that without being too grumpy about it.
I don't want to feel sick anymore.
I am also going to be going back to uni. I am going to tell them I've got a mental health issue and will be asking for help if I need it. I want to finish this degree and not in 1000 years!
I am also going to get my license. I am always so fearful of this, but I am going to make the effort and ask my parents for help as I know they will help me out.
The future is going to be interesting, but fun and a healthy one.
I have been starving myself unintentionally, by not eating proper foods at proper meal times. My body has been stressing out from my adrenal glands working overtime and it can't handle it.
I am now on a better eating plan and enjoying it so far, I feel like I'm finally making a difference.
I am going to have to exercise a little too but that's okay, I now feel I can do that without being too grumpy about it.
I don't want to feel sick anymore.
I am also going to be going back to uni. I am going to tell them I've got a mental health issue and will be asking for help if I need it. I want to finish this degree and not in 1000 years!
I am also going to get my license. I am always so fearful of this, but I am going to make the effort and ask my parents for help as I know they will help me out.
The future is going to be interesting, but fun and a healthy one.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Existing is hard.
I really like these words
Life does go on.
For me right now.
I'm finding it hard to exist.
and want to exist.
This is the hardest part.
Life does go on.
For me right now.
I'm finding it hard to exist.
and want to exist.
This is the hardest part.
Soon they will see.
Unhappiness is not a biochemical disease, its a psychological/emotional/spiritual problem. The sooner depressed people realize this fact, the sooner they can get assistance that will actually help them feel better instead of just shoving pills down their throat to correct a phantom "imbalance".
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
words
I am finding it hard to get my words out to write. Which is a little weird for me.
However I've had a really interesting experience and I have been told I am psychic. I feel energies, I get visions in my dreams, I want to reach out and know more, it will give me a hand in becoming who I am.
However I've had a really interesting experience and I have been told I am psychic. I feel energies, I get visions in my dreams, I want to reach out and know more, it will give me a hand in becoming who I am.
Some words....
We never know if anything is real. Religion, aliens or even ghosts, but that doesn't mean we can't live life positively, radiate it to those around you, smile for what it's worth and live whilst life is flowing through your veins! Be honest, be truthful, speak your mind, tell everyone you love them, for you never know what could happen tomorrow! ♥
Sunday, June 12, 2011
What do you do?
What do you do, when all you want is to depart from this world?
What do you do when this is the last thing you want?
What do you do, when the pain gets too much?
What do you do, when you've got the strategies yet still can't work it out?
What do you do when the world you know turns on you?
What do you do when you're having to constantly prove trustworthyness you've never had to prove as it's just natural?
What do you do when you feel so alone in this world?
What do you do when positive thoughts no longer work?
What do you do when what goes up must come down?
What do you do when the one person you rely on feels the same way you do?
What do you do when the conversation is, 'whats the point of even being alive, they make me want to die' and you feel the same...
I'm losing my fucking mind and i have no idea where to start looking for it.........
What do you do when this is the last thing you want?
What do you do, when the pain gets too much?
What do you do, when you've got the strategies yet still can't work it out?
What do you do when the world you know turns on you?
What do you do when you're having to constantly prove trustworthyness you've never had to prove as it's just natural?
What do you do when you feel so alone in this world?
What do you do when positive thoughts no longer work?
What do you do when what goes up must come down?
What do you do when the one person you rely on feels the same way you do?
What do you do when the conversation is, 'whats the point of even being alive, they make me want to die' and you feel the same...
I'm losing my fucking mind and i have no idea where to start looking for it.........
Communication where art thou?
What happened to communication? What happened to telling your mates if somethings wrong? What happened to picking up a telephone or talking to someone about something that's bothering you? This is what social networks have done. They have made people unable to communicate. Communicating over a social medium, either it be twitter, facebook or even email is not good enough. Tones can be taken out of context and ways people write things could be taken differently. I'd like someone to just pick up a telephone and talk. It is so rare. My partner and I are deactivating our facebooks for this exact reason. Noone picks up the phone anymore and texts or calls. Well now they have to. They WILL be forced to talk, no more bullshit, talk to us! It's really hard in our business to have so many people around us fail us with trust and there have been soooo many and they are ALL those who can't communicate. It's sad that this is the world we live in. Where communication is not even seen as important.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A short story of my depression and alcoholism and my downfall, then soberism
I was 15 and it wasn't that I thought I suffered from anxiety or depression at all, or felt like i did. I felt a bit sad, but my grandpa and friend had just died, so that was just naturally grieving. It wasn't until I started my tafe course in 2007, I realised how alcoholism was ruining my life.
I had been drinking from the age of 17 without many breaks in between, I craved being drunk, because being drunk made me funny right? It made people like me, because I felt my own personality was never good enough. Of course anyone who has never felt like this wont understand, but I know a lot of people will.I felt like the world was judging me every second, even when no-one was looking.
I felt like if i bothered to make an effort, it was never good enough anyway. A whole bunch of failed relationships, and I was pretty sure my family disliked what I was doing. Of course they were still there out of default, but I can see now how they must have felt. I was the one who always asked for money and blew it on booze or partying, when it was meant to be for the dentist.
I felt sorry for myself at times, but mostly just hated who I was. I was still a good friend but most of my friendships revolved around other drunk and depressed people. These people could never help me. This whole time of my life I'd have denied all of this at the time. Even after stealing from my brother whose house I lived in. I stole his alcohol, money, food, anything I could.I fell asleep in our front yard with a bottle of wine.
I could never just have one drink. One drink always ended up as getting hammered.
I had no understanding of how I was ruining peoples lives around me, I only cared about myself. I also justified everything. So of course it was okay to drink that whole bottle of scotch my brother had, why not? Hes not drinking it...
These justifications, I shake my head at now, I know all of these excuses are not real and from a drunken, depressed reality, my own reality I had created for my own selfish world.
I never appreciated my family enough even though they were and are amazing, in ways I thought they owed me... For what? Who knows. In November 2007, this whole world came crashing down. I was living with friends who i drank with most nights and partied with on a regular basis. I was still studying at tafe barely, and to be honest I dont know how i completed that year.
My lecturer had pointed out my anxious behaviours and I broke down.
My housemate pointed out my depression, I avoided it and denied it.
I was sleeping all day with sleeping tablets, and staying up all night.
I was partying harder than ever, which often consisted of a bottle of jack daniels every 2 nights or a night at at one point. It was the most destructive I had ever felt. I had changed so much.
I remember complaining to people, or constantly talking about myself to get recognition. If I wasn't drunk or making a mess of myself, I was shy, quiet and anxious.
One night, i just broke down. I sat on my bed, called my mum and just sobbed.
I was so far down the rabbit hole and I couldn't find the ladder to get back to the surface.
In the end everything came together.
My beautiful housemate became pregnant to her partner and needed to move out.
So with having finished my course, starting on medication and seeing a psychologist, I made the choice to move back to Adelaide and get sober!
I spent from November 2010 to February 2011 spending time at my parents and going to the beach every morning. I got very sick because I was forcing out all the toxins I had let poison my body and mind over so many years. I did not see many people and it was not until I went to RvM at Higher Ground, I think it was the 3rd one, that I met my now boyfriend Kane.
I am so glad I met him because we have grown as people and we are both the happiest we have ever been. I can still have a couple drinks when I'm out but try to limit it, otherwise I suffer from really bad anxiety and depression easily. I am still working out my past issues and with constant anxiety, it does make it hard, but I will push through.
I have so many passions to help people do the same in life. Depression is only a temporary state of mind and talking is the most important thing. We spend too much time in our own heads and not reaching out to those who will understand.
As much as we can convince ourselves they won't, they will.
I've reached out to people before and never known of them to be depressed, yet have heard their story and felt glad to hear it.
Sharing your story is important.
I lived a whole other lifetime before coming back to Adelaide.
Rachel.
I had been drinking from the age of 17 without many breaks in between, I craved being drunk, because being drunk made me funny right? It made people like me, because I felt my own personality was never good enough. Of course anyone who has never felt like this wont understand, but I know a lot of people will.I felt like the world was judging me every second, even when no-one was looking.
I felt like if i bothered to make an effort, it was never good enough anyway. A whole bunch of failed relationships, and I was pretty sure my family disliked what I was doing. Of course they were still there out of default, but I can see now how they must have felt. I was the one who always asked for money and blew it on booze or partying, when it was meant to be for the dentist.
I felt sorry for myself at times, but mostly just hated who I was. I was still a good friend but most of my friendships revolved around other drunk and depressed people. These people could never help me. This whole time of my life I'd have denied all of this at the time. Even after stealing from my brother whose house I lived in. I stole his alcohol, money, food, anything I could.I fell asleep in our front yard with a bottle of wine.
I could never just have one drink. One drink always ended up as getting hammered.
I had no understanding of how I was ruining peoples lives around me, I only cared about myself. I also justified everything. So of course it was okay to drink that whole bottle of scotch my brother had, why not? Hes not drinking it...
These justifications, I shake my head at now, I know all of these excuses are not real and from a drunken, depressed reality, my own reality I had created for my own selfish world.
I never appreciated my family enough even though they were and are amazing, in ways I thought they owed me... For what? Who knows. In November 2007, this whole world came crashing down. I was living with friends who i drank with most nights and partied with on a regular basis. I was still studying at tafe barely, and to be honest I dont know how i completed that year.
My lecturer had pointed out my anxious behaviours and I broke down.
My housemate pointed out my depression, I avoided it and denied it.
I was sleeping all day with sleeping tablets, and staying up all night.
I was partying harder than ever, which often consisted of a bottle of jack daniels every 2 nights or a night at at one point. It was the most destructive I had ever felt. I had changed so much.
I remember complaining to people, or constantly talking about myself to get recognition. If I wasn't drunk or making a mess of myself, I was shy, quiet and anxious.
One night, i just broke down. I sat on my bed, called my mum and just sobbed.
I was so far down the rabbit hole and I couldn't find the ladder to get back to the surface.
In the end everything came together.
My beautiful housemate became pregnant to her partner and needed to move out.
So with having finished my course, starting on medication and seeing a psychologist, I made the choice to move back to Adelaide and get sober!
I spent from November 2010 to February 2011 spending time at my parents and going to the beach every morning. I got very sick because I was forcing out all the toxins I had let poison my body and mind over so many years. I did not see many people and it was not until I went to RvM at Higher Ground, I think it was the 3rd one, that I met my now boyfriend Kane.
I am so glad I met him because we have grown as people and we are both the happiest we have ever been. I can still have a couple drinks when I'm out but try to limit it, otherwise I suffer from really bad anxiety and depression easily. I am still working out my past issues and with constant anxiety, it does make it hard, but I will push through.
I have so many passions to help people do the same in life. Depression is only a temporary state of mind and talking is the most important thing. We spend too much time in our own heads and not reaching out to those who will understand.
As much as we can convince ourselves they won't, they will.
I've reached out to people before and never known of them to be depressed, yet have heard their story and felt glad to hear it.
Sharing your story is important.
I lived a whole other lifetime before coming back to Adelaide.
Rachel.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Technology is it killing us?
What have we done?
We are living in a world where technology is more important than anything.
Will technology save our souls?
Will technology hug you at night when you're lonely?
No but you bet your bottom dollar, technology can really screw a few people over.
Technology is now used as the number one form of communication and this is depressing.
Remember when we were growing up Gen Y and generations before?
We used to call home phones, no mobiles.
We used to write letters, we used to communicate on a higher level than through email or msn messenger.
Now we are in such a high technological age that people don't need to communicate anymore.
They can say what they like on social networks, treat people how they like and then lie, betray, say what they like, without the usual consequences.
I am saddened by this world that we now face, the future that we will have to live in.
I want to go back to the basics.
I want to live in an efficient world, before the technological advances, before we became impatient and selfish.
I like the spontaneous, environmental, beautiful world that I lived in before.
The one where we talked, where things were still difficult, but easier than now.
Save our technological souls.
We are living in a world where technology is more important than anything.
Will technology save our souls?
Will technology hug you at night when you're lonely?
No but you bet your bottom dollar, technology can really screw a few people over.
Technology is now used as the number one form of communication and this is depressing.
Remember when we were growing up Gen Y and generations before?
We used to call home phones, no mobiles.
We used to write letters, we used to communicate on a higher level than through email or msn messenger.
Now we are in such a high technological age that people don't need to communicate anymore.
They can say what they like on social networks, treat people how they like and then lie, betray, say what they like, without the usual consequences.
I am saddened by this world that we now face, the future that we will have to live in.
I want to go back to the basics.
I want to live in an efficient world, before the technological advances, before we became impatient and selfish.
I like the spontaneous, environmental, beautiful world that I lived in before.
The one where we talked, where things were still difficult, but easier than now.
Save our technological souls.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Osho.
"The greatest courage in life is to lose yourself — and that’s the primary requirement of love. Unless you lose yourself you cannot be in love. You can play the game called love, but you will never know the reality of love. You will be doing something else in the name of love. Deep down it will only be an ego trip — and love can never be an ego trip. Ego has to be dissolved, only then does love flow in you. And that is real courage. In a deep sense it is committing suicide — not of the body but of the mind. It is becoming mindless. Hence love looks to people like something mad, insane. In a way it is true, it is mad. Going beyond the mind is a certain kind of madness. Of course it is divine madness and it brings a sanity of its own kind. It brings an insight, an understanding, but is is totally different from intellectual understanding. It is not of the mind, it is of the beyond."
- Osho
- Osho
The mind.
The following is excerpted from Revolution 2012 by Dieter Broers
I am convinced that we are currently in the midst of a process involving the restructuring of our neuronal networks, and that the catalyst of this process is the high solar-geomagnetic activity whose consequences are feared by so many people today. However, all facts and findings add up to the undeniable conclusion that this evolution will for the first time in human history enable us human beings to use the enormous potential of our brains.
David Samuels from Israel’s Weizmann Institute has estimated that the brain’s basic range of activities is driven by between 100,000 and 1 billion different chemical reactions every minute. The average human brain contains a minimum of 10 billion individual neurons or nerve cells — a figure that is even more astounding when you stop to think that each neuron can interact with many other neurons. In 1974 neurophysiologists discovered that some 10800 (10 to the 800th) interconnections come into play in this regard. The magnitude of this capacity is comparable with the following cosmic facts and figures: inasmuch as the atom is the smallest unit in the universe and the universe itself the largest, it is estimated that the universe contains a total of 1080 (10 to the 80th) atoms. In other words, the number of interactions in the human brain far exceeds the number of atoms in the universe.
Moscow University physicist Pyotra Anokin feels that the aforementioned estimate of possible interactions in the human brain is unduly low. According to his calculations, the potential number of structures that the human brain can create is so large that writing them out as a figure would translate into a line approximately 6.5 million miles long. So clearly we have not even begun to tap into the amazing potential of our brains — a situation that can be likened to using an area the size of a dust particle in a 500 room mansion.
The question then arises as to whether using our brains more efficiently will enable us to find an adequate response to the events of 2012. First of all, we need to realize that the brain and the mind are two different things. The mind can influence brain activity and vegetative processes by means of highly unusual suggestions, the most striking example being Buddhist masters whose ability to meditate enables them to put their brains in a tranquil state that palliates pain and that can even stop the beating of the heart.
Apart from this, what matters here is that our brains are always active whether we’re awake, asleep, calm or agitated, and are always seeking intensity, new experiences, and long term connections. When the human brain is exposed to new impressions, as well as mental and emotional stimuli, new synapses (interfaces between neurons) are created.
In other words, the human brain floats in a kind of rapturous harmony as long as it receives the right kind of stimuli. This is in keeping with the attendant electrochemical principle of all or nothing, which forms the basis for electrochemical communication between neurons — and in our context for interaction between the heretofore unused regions of the brain. If this weren’t the case, it would make no sense for us human beings to be endowed with a brain whose potential is never fully exploited. Indeed, it almost seems as though this miraculous organ were waiting for 2012 to finally prove what it’s capable of.
Apart from electrochemical information processing, our brain engages in other processes as well — processes that form the basis for our subconscious. According to the American physicist Evan Harris Walker, the human mind and human consciousness are not empirically measurable quantities. Walker believed that consciousness is not a chemical process or the like, but is instead attributable to a quantum mechanical tunnel process — a theory that is consistent with the views of a growing number of quantum physicists and brain scientists. Walker also persuasively showed that the brain’s synapses exhibit quantum mechanical phenomena, for which models have been posited by David Bohm and Basil Hilely. These authors report astonishing similarities between quantum potential and neurological connections in the brain.
These connections are far from being well ordered for in fact, chaos is the mainstay of the brain’s processes. This chaos, which comprises a veritable maelstrom of diffuse stimuli processing activities, is the precursor of a coherent equilibrium at higher levels. Creativity researchers have observed a similar phenomenon in which the creative mind initially processes totally chaotic and even contradictory concepts that ultimately translate into the beginnings of order and stability in the latter stages of the creative process. Hence, contrary to the law of entropy (order), evolution is moving toward negentropy (instability), a process that is at once feasible, useful and logical since it enables evolution to unfold in an “open system” so as to allow the brain to absorb new information and adapt in highly complex ways.
This prompted Ilya Prigogine to observe that each organized system dynamically shifts between a state of entropy and negentropy, i.e. between order and chaos. Moreover, Prigogine says, the greater the system’s potential instability, the more readily it adapts and changes. This principle fits the brain like a glove.
But where, then, is the seat of the mind, this mysterious locus of self awareness that amalgamates intuition, common sense, emotions and the intellect? For the moment I will leave it to neurologists to figure this out — although I will have more to say about this issue later on. First, though, I’d like to discuss the mental and psychological process of self discovery. The mind-brain system evolved out of a series of successive matrices. The first higher order matrix within which we move is undoubtedly the source of all life. According to Prigogine, for the infant brain a transition to a new harmonic matrix entails constant exposure to new resources that allow for the development of potential, self assurance, and skills.
These matrices, which are extremely concrete at the outset, become ever more abstract over time by dint of their exposure to perceptible reality, ultimately evolving into the matrix of pure creative thinking. Each transition to a new matrix is associated with unknown and unforeseeable experience that forms the basis for an increase in intelligence. According to Timothy Leary, each of us inherits a precoded draft of future organisms that differs considerably from the current human race and from most forms of human existence. And in the same vein, Michael Hutchison prophesied that the brain has learned more about itself over the past decade than during its entire history, and that henceforth human intelligence will evolve in quantum leaps.
Although I have already made the essential points regarding the effects of natural and artificial force fields on the brain, it should be noted here that phenomena such as the body’s rhythms that are controlled by the pituitary gland can be affected by electromagnetic fields, which can have a significant impact on moods, activity patterns and the circadian rhythm. So a great deal remains to be discovered in this domain.
Some years ago I was part of a research team that measured the brain waves of test subjects at regular intervals via EEG. We found that specific electromagnetic fields sporadically acted on the test subjects’ brains, without their being aware of this phenomenon. One of our most striking findings was that the test subjects’ brain waves could be altered via exposure of the brain to electromagnetic waves; and as if this weren’t astonishing enough, we also found that we could even control the test subjects’ brain waves using these fields. For example, the EEG frequency of a test subject with a predominant baseline frequency of 10 hertz could be increased to 12 hertz each time we exposed the subject to an exogenous 10 hertz electromagnetic field that was then increased to 12 hertz. We concluded from this that endogenous rhythms are governed by their exogenous counterparts.
These experiments convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt that human cells and electromagnetic fields do in fact interact; and this may in fact be one of the primary reasons why I decided to write this book. These findings also opened my eyes to processes that were of fundamental importance for my own research in that I now had incontrovertible, empirical proof that electromagnetic fields have a direct impact on brain activity.
A short time later I stumbled upon another phenomenon that I couldn’t get out of my mind: specific force fields and force field intensity levels induce perceptions that could otherwise only be induced by the administration of psychoactive substances. A normal geomagnetic field allows us to maintain a normal state of alert consciousness, including our sense of time; whereas a severely abnormal geomagnetic field or the absence of a geomagnetic field provokes abnormal mental states and a derangement of our sense of time. In other words the effect of geomagnetic disturbances is very similar to that of taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Strange though this may sound, I can assure you that it’s anything but. Altered mental states are provoked by neurochemical processes and the production of psychoactive substances, i.e. endogenous hallucinogens. The mental anomalies experienced by the test subjects in the aforementioned experiments were induced by “surplus” production of such substances secondary to withdrawal of, or exposure to very weak geomagnetic fields. Thus, under certain conditions the brain has the capacity to produce so called illegal substances. In other words, a phenomenon that under “normal” circumstances could only be induced through the practice of meditation or the like can also be catalyzed by exogenous electromagnetic fields.
This raises the following questions: What exactly happens during such an event? Is this phenomenon beneficial, or can it be harmful or even addictive? The fact is that the brain has the capacity to produce a chemical for every emotion we experience — a phenomenon that forms the subject of Molecules of Emotion: The Science Behind Mind-Body Medicine by Dr. Candace Pert, Professor of Biochemistry at John Hopkins University whose observations in this regard can be summarized as follows: expansions of consciousness are provoked by a specific family of molecules. The basic difference between our daytime and nocturnal state of consciousness lies in the level of consciousness. While we are asleep, we are unaware of our existence and have no memory of our waking life, whereas the reverse situation prevails when we are awake. In other words, being asleep falls within the sphere of unconsciousness whereas being awake belongs to the domain of consciousness. Apart from this dichotomy, there is another level of consciousness known as enlightenment or satori, which I discuss at length below. Specific substances known as neurotransmitters are responsible for all three of these phases.
One of the key neurotransmitters is serotonin, which keeps us in an awake state and is therefore also responsible for our sense of time. When we are under the influence of serotonin — an effect that can be heightened even by just a small embrace — we feel relaxed and happy. Acute serotonin deficiency can provoke negative effects ranging from extreme melancholy to manic depression. However, a substantially elevated serotonin level induces emotions ranging from euphoria to ecstasy.
Thus serotonin controls our moods. There is scarcely any difference between the chemical structure of serotonin and the hallucinogen “psilocybin”, which occurs in a mushroom that the peoples of some cultures used to take during certain rituals. For example the Mayans referred to psilocybin as the “Mayan mushroom,” and the Dervishes called it the “Sufi mushroom.” The plant was described by some as being the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil — an appellation not unlike the reference in Genesis to the fruit of the tree of knowledge.
LSD — the synthesized form of psilocybin — is a psychoactive substance that was first produced by the chemist Albert Hofmann in 1938 while he was doing research on ergot, which is the (toxic) dried sclerotium of the eponymous rye plant. Hofmann stumbled on the hallucinogenic effects of LSD when he inadvertently absorbed the substance through his skin. He then repeated this experience by taking 250 micrograms of LSD, which he felt was the smallest possible effective dose for a hallucinogen compared to mescaline, which was the strongest hallucinogen then known. However, Hofmann discovered that 250 micrograms of LSD was the equivalent of five times the normal effective dose of mescaline.
In addition to the aforementioned sleeping state (which correlates with unconsciousness) and the waking state (which correlates with consciousness), there is also the state of enlightenment or hyper-consciousness.
Neurochemical substances known as tryptamines are responsible for all three of these states. The human brain has the capacity to convert any of these tryptamines into another tryptamine. Just as serotonin transitions us between a waking and sleeping state, there is also an additional neurotransmitter known as melatonin (mentioned earlier in connection with the pituitary gland) that is responsible for our state of “consciousness” while asleep. Serotonin is converted into melatonin in direct proportion to how drowsy we are, until we actually fall asleep. The findings of sleep, consciousness, and neurochemistry research have shown that an additional neurotransmitter known as dimethyltryptamine (DMT) is produced in the brain during both deep sleep and hyper-conscious (enlightened) states, thus making DMT one of the most powerful psychoactive drugs of all.
Unfortunately we literally sleep through the heady albeit completely legal drug high constituted by the hyper-conscious (enlightened) state, and are thus completely unaware of its occurrence. In other words, though we experience this state, we are unconscious of it and thus have no memory of it either. Both psilocybin and the neurotransmitter DMT are members of the same chemical family. If we could directly experience this heightened state of consciousness, we would be able to perceive its actual consciousness expanding properties. But unfortunately this is beyond the realm of possibility for ordinary mortals, and is achievable only by spiritual masters when they reach a state of enlightenment.
Only a mental state in which we feel that we are “in harmony” with all things will enable us to ascend to this level of pure being. In this state, the unduly self important ego retreats into the cosmic realm, where it becomes one with all things. While asleep, we are disassociated from our ego and have no memory of its daily manifestations in our consciousness. This is also why, during deep sleep phases, we are able to reach an enlightenment-like state, one that is unencumbered by the ego or the excess narcissistic baggage that weighs us down during our waking hours.
It has been scientifically proven that on certain days while we are in a waking state, solar-geomagnetic disturbances cause our brain to produce psychoactive, consciousness expanding substances, provoking hallucinations whose incidence is higher during periods where specific geomagnetic conditions prevail. The medical definition of a hallucination is a deceptive sense perception that occurs in the absence of an external stimulus. This can involve experiences such as seeing objects that do not in fact exist or hearing voices in the absence of a speaker.
The salient feature of hallucinations (which can affect any of the senses) is that the hallucination is totally real for the person experiencing it, who cannot distinguish the hallucination from reality — thus making this experience altogether different from that of a daydream.
The events the cosmos has in store for us in 2012 can be compared to the effect of being handed a glass of juice into which someone has slipped some LSD without our knowledge. Such unanticipated altered states of consciousness have certainly occurred at other junctures in human history. For example, sudden outbreaks of hysteria provoked by hallucinations occurred regularly during the Middle Ages. Those affected were unaware that the bread they were eating contained ergot, whose active ingredient Albert Hofmann used to make LSD many years later. Inasmuch as the hallucinogenic effects of bread containing ergot were unknown at the time, those affected could only conclude that their altered mental state was a serious illness.
The analogy with this historical evolution and what awaits us in or around 2012 — with the predicted arrival of a massive solar storm — is clear, I think. For in that year force field disturbances are very likely to provoke not only disconcerting mental states, but also extremely pleasant ones. Even if you have your doubts about the term “enlightenment,” you should nonetheless begin meditating as soon as possible so that you will be receptive to these states. These changes within us are in the pipeline — of that there can be no doubt — so you’ll get an extremely useful head start if you begin instituting these changes now.
These mental states, which can be regarded as cosmic interventions, will directly impact our lives in various ways. Time will appear to move more slowly. Increased solar-geomagnetic activity will be associated with an increased incidence of altered mental states. We will experience nervousness, aggressiveness, depression and euphoria in turn. It would seem that the process that enables us to find the path to knowledge is currently occurring via a kind of cosmically induced correction. We will experience phenomena that affect geomagnetic fields and the like as an expansion of our consciousness that is tied to our personal history and current mental state.
Between 1983 and 2002, the cognitive neuroscience researcher Michael Persinger published the results of 240 investigations nearly all of which concerned consciousness expanding perceptions induced by magnetic fields.
These investigations were conducted as follows: A series of test subjects seated on a chair in a dark, acoustically insulated room was asked to put on a motorcycle helmet retrofitted with electromagnetic field-emitting solenoids that emitted very weak electromagnetic fields into the test subject’s brain that were the equivalent of roughly 1/20 of the geomagnetic field.
Dr. Persinger, who also conducted research for NASA, said in an interview that these experiments allowed him to use the brain as its own amplifier and play back brain wave patterns previously recorded via EEG.80 These fields exerted an extremely unusual effect. According to the German newspaper Die Zeit, “many of the test subjects felt a strange ‘presence’ while wearing Dr. Persinger’s motorcycle helmet, as if there was someone else in the room with them.”81 Moreover, some test subjects were absolutely convinced that they had sensed angel-like beings or a God-like presence, whereas others fled the room in terror and were overwhelmed by negative feelings.
Apart from the aforementioned proven effects of magnetic fields, these results show that whether a person remains stuck in their old ways of thinking or is receptive to new ways of seeing things is determined by their predispositions or energy field. One person might flee an unexplained presence in their field of perception; another might regard such a presence as part of their consciousness; and yet another might initiate a dialogue with the mysterious presence and be inspired thereby.
Studies conducted by Professor Andrew Newberg shed invaluable light on intra-meditation brain activity via investigations of eight Tibetan Buddhist monks and eight Franciscan nuns during meditation. The test subjects were asked to adhere to their normal meditation practices as much as possible during the experiments. To this end and in the interest of preventing the test subjects from being distracted from their meditation process per se, when a test subject felt they had reached a meditative state, they signaled this by tugging on a rope, whereupon a radioactive substance was intravenously injected into their bloodstream. This was done because radioactive particles gravitate to the most heavily perfused brain cells. Thus at the end of each meditation session, the test subjects underwent a SPECT (Single Photon Emission Computed Tomography ) scan, which allows for the visualization of radioactive particles. The measurement results during meditation demonstrated elevated perfusion in specific regions of the brain.
The region of the brain that is directly tied to meditation is the orientation- associated center in the parietal lobes, which thanks to the steady flow of information from the sense organs creates a clearly defined boundary between the body and its environment, and also creates a sense of time. Experiments conducted at Ludwig Maximilians University in Munich have shown that this region is susceptible to the effects of geomagnetic fields.
In the meditation experiments, Newberg reasoned that “shutting down” this region of the brain may allow the test subjects to achieve a sense of oneness with the world while meditating, since the boundaries between space and time were no longer perceptible. Buddhists term this nirvana, i.e. a dissolution into nothingness. The nuns, on the other hand, referred to it as the experience of becoming one with God. Thus it seems this state is characterized by a consciously perceived melding with hyperspace, which is a higher dimension whose existence was demonstrated by none other than Max Planck.
In any case, when the test subjects were in a meditative state the boundaries between the self and the world were dissolved - a phenomenon that is oftentimes (somewhat fuzzily) described as “being one with everything that exists.” According to Professor Newberg, when a person goes far enough the self disappears completely and the person experiences a sense of oneness, of infinite boundlessness. In other words, he feels that mystical experience is a biological reality that is scientifically perceptible, and that human beings are by their very nature mystical beings with an inborn capacity for effortless self transcendence.
Unfortunately Newberg uses his results to reduce religion to its mystical aspects, namely meditation and prayer. But surely for most religions people, their religion is more than just the promise or belief that a higher power determines their destiny. This view on the part of Newberg has come in for considerable criticism — for example from the philosopher and cognitive neuroscientist Detlef Linke, who in his book Religion als Risiko. Geist, Glaube und Gehirn (“Religion as a Risk. Mind, Faith and Brain”) took neurotheologists to task in these words: “Although neurotheologists are able to reconcile science and religion after many years of enmity between these two entities and in the coming years will undoubtedly shed even greater light on the biological processes of belief, their findings do not explain the phenomenon of religion. Even if it is true that men are animals who would rather embrace religious beliefs than think rationally and logically, one thing is certain: neurotheologists will never be able to prove the existence of God, since if God does exist, He is everywhere and not just in the brain.” Nonetheless, neurologist Vilayanur Ramachandran, Director of the Center for Brain and Cognition and Professor of Psychology in the Neuroscience Department at the University of California, San Diego, has identified a region of the brain he refers to as the God module, which he feels is closely tied to spiritual thoughts.
Perhaps this digression has changed your thinking somewhat as regards the meaning of the term instability. It is certainly true that solar-geomagnetic activity can induce instability in biological systems, and particularly in the human brain which is highly susceptible to electromagnetic and magnetic fields. But this doesn’t mean that we should be afraid of instability. We need to bear in mind that an existing element in an unstable situation must be used before it can give rise to something new.
Moreover, so-called hopeless patients have been successfully treated using the effects of solar-geomagnetic fields on the mind, perception and consciousness. This megawave therapy, as it is called, consists in the administration of electromagnetic fields that are identical to those found in nature. This therapy has achieved exceptionally high cure rates by virtue of the fact that for the first time the patients understand the cause of their disorder. Hence this therapy is closely bound up with a catalyzed process of consciousness, and does not at all involve a crude mechanistic procedure.
As with the motorcycle helmet experiments, the electromagnetic field stimulus is administered directly to the patient’s head so as to allow the electromagnetic waves to penetrate deep into the brain. Conversely, it has been observed that exogenous electromagnetic fields provoke psychosomatic symptoms.
On the other hand, healthy subjects that are exposed to these same therapeutic frequencies always report having experienced an altered state of consciousness, and in so doing indicate that they suddenly, inexplicably and joyfully saw the “things of this world” in a larger context. You might of course wonder whether such experiences might be attributable to dizziness or mere illusions - in other words, subjective pseudo-experiences that are provoked by electromagnetic fields.
The answer to these questions can be found in the objectivity of experiences that are induced by external phenomena. When these questions are considered in light of the therapeutic success that was achieved with these extremely ill patients, it is fair to say that the end justifies the means in such cases, which are in any case difficult to assess. Nonetheless, we can certainly regard force field-enhanced expansions of consciousness as good training for all of the mental states that await us in 2012 — and for which no test classifications of any kind are available.
These reflections also serve as a reminder that we will be communicating with cosmic phenomena in the near future. What will this entail from a biological standpoint?
For some three decades now I have been studying the effects of electromagnetic fields on biological systems. My initial investigations, which date back to 1980, led me to posit a theory that I later confirmed — namely that our cells communicate with each other via endogenous electromagnetic fields that regulate these absolutely essential cell dialogues. My research at the time on simple cell systems clearly revealed that administering specific electromagnetic fields to cells in a Petri dish had a regulating and controlling effect on these cells.
My research also demonstrated that stable cell systems that are deliberately desynchronized can be returned to their baseline state by administering the relevant electromagnetic fields. I repeated these experiments a number of times and validated them via statistical analysis. It should be noted, however, that this type of effect did not fall within the scope of the “state of the art” back then; in other words it was not included in college syllabuses. The genuinely astonishing nature of these findings prompted me to apply for a German patent for this therapeutic process in 1982 and a European patent in the following year, which I was awarded in 1986.
For me, these patents validated the fact that my discovery represented a genuine scientific breakthrough, which is primarily attributable to my unusual life’s path as a visionary, scientist, and specialist in the field of frequency research. These activities provided me with direct access to the academic institutions that were leaders in this field. Moreover, during my stint as manager of a research project for Germany’s Ministry of Research and Technology, I had the opportunity to establish an interdisciplinary team.
Our research results, which were presented at international symposiums and conferences, solidified my grasp of the subject matter that forms the basis for the present book. The most important results from my standpoint were those we obtained in our experiments with completely asymptomatic (i.e. healthy) test subjects. In these experiments we discovered that the electromagnetic fields to which we subjected the test subjects were consistent with human DNA and terrestrial resonance frequencies. The specific frequencies that came into play were a 150 MHz basic carrier frequency — which is the equivalent of a 6.5 foot long wave — with an 8 Hz frequency modulated on it.
It was discovered in 2002 that this is also the length of an uncoiled human DNA molecule. Our tests yielded the aforementioned effect only when this 150 MHz DNA resonance frequency was used and when other frequencies were modulated on this carrier frequency, which we found also occurs in nature. However, when human beings are exposed to unnatural electromagnetic fields the results are appalling. My exhaustive patent search unearthed at least a few patented inventions that are intended for an application quite different from the foregoing — namely involving specific electromagnetic frequencies that are used as weapons. This search also led me to the conclusion that certain force fields provoke panic and anxiety in human beings.
If you feel that I am advancing some kind of conspiracy theory here, an incident that was reported in the media may give you food for thought. What happened was that homeless people in London’s financial district reported feeling tightness in the chest and anxiety when exposed to certain electromagnetic fields. These effects were so severe that the homeless people were forced to flee their usual haunts.
I mention this sad tale so as to avoid creating the impression that electromagnetic fields are inherently beneficial. The nature of the effects of such fields is determined solely by their frequency and intensity.
All of the brain wave (EEG) measurements of the test subjects in the aforementioned experiments were realized with the subjects in a relaxed state, lying on their backs, with their eyes closed. Antennas concealed under a pillow that emitted precisely defined electromagnetic fields were positioned near the subject’s head. Brain wave sensors (EEGs) recorded all test subject brain waves during all of the experiments. As soon as the antennas began emitting electromagnetic fields, the electrodes attached to the subject’s head transmitted signals to the recording source in such a way that the test subject’s brain (i.e. neurons) emitted signals induced by electromagnetic fields that would not have been emitted in the absence of these fields.
Our test subjects exhibited field-induced alpha wave activity exceeding the norm by several hundred percent, which amazed both us and our subjects, since alpha waves normally indicate a semi-somnolent state. For example, alpha waves predominate when, in falling asleep, we transition to a sleep state, and conversely upon awakening from sleep. Natural healers induce an alpha state in their patients before beginning the treatment per se - but of course without the use of exogenous force fields. Genuine healers have the ability to induce such fields and heal their patients through force of will and conviction alone.
My invention allows an alpha state, which is regarded as the threshold between consciousness and unconsciousness, to be used for therapeutic purposes. Electromagnetic fields in the alpha range (as well as DNA resonance frequencies) are administered to the patient in such a way as to put him in an expanded state of self awareness. This in turn produces a therapeutic effect that chiefly stems from the fact that the patient is able to recognize the cause of his illness, which he had previously internalized as a trauma. This recognition process is undoubtedly strengthened by the fact that the patient remains in an alpha state so long as the effect of the electromagnetic fields remains constant.
At the juncture where the conscious and unconscious mind work in concert, a phenomenon known as “spontaneous healing” or “miracle healing” occurs. In this alpha state, where the patient is completely free of anxiety and obsessive thoughts, he has at his disposal all of his self healing powers — which however are only mobilized once he has recognized the actual cause of his illness.
In one experiment, a terminal patient suffering from an incurable disease was exposed to a simulated natural magnetic field, whereupon the patient saw extremely traumatic images in his mind’s eye. The patient initially refused to deal with these images, but after further treatment he confronted the images and realized how his life’s path had provoked his illness. This realization triggered the healing process in this patient.
Needless to say, these findings also apply to the situation the world is currently facing. By regarding the current global crises as a symptom of a disease and looking deep within ourselves, we will be able to identify the actual cause of this disease. That this cause is closely bound up with our navel gazing tendencies and endemic egotism will come as no surprise to anyone. So long as our efforts to save ourselves center around the symptoms of our condition, a long lasting cure will elude us. We can only save our planet if we first recognize the true cause of its illness. This kind of awareness can be obtained through the use of induced electromagnetic fields.
For example, if every human being on Earth were exposed to electromagnetic fields as was done in the therapy described above, a collective awareness on the part of all human beings would take hold, unlikely though this may sound. And what if these electromagnetic fields were already exerting their effect on the human race? If people were unaware of these field effects, their first reaction would be to doubt their sanity, which might prompt them to check into a psychiatric hospital on account of their “abnormal” mental state.
Such individuals would genuinely believe they had lost their mind and would be full of anxiety - which unfortunately bars all access to our higher consciousness. But if, on the other hand, we give ourselves over to a state of calm and tranquility — in other words, if we transition to our alpha state — we will readily perceive the overarching connections and feel liberated by them.
Many will not immediately recognize the cosmically induced changes in perception, and will at first glance dismiss them as the products of their own imagination. However, I know from my professional experience that a person’s willingness to open themselves to intuitive perceptions — a criterion referred to by psychologists as “mindset and setting” — is a precondition for success. Unless we are armed with the information we need, we may suffer rather than benefiting from the untoward effects of geomagnetic “anomalies.”
In the run-up to 2012, knowledge is and will be the gateway to positive experience. Many people realize that some of their best and most unusual ideas have come to them on days with particularly high solar-geomagnetic activity. This phenomenon has also been scientifically proven by NASA scientists. The cognitive neuroscience researcher Michael Persinger was the first to discover that test subjects exposed to specific magnetic fields suddenly gained extremely spiritual insights. These results are all the more amazing in that even hardened atheists reported experiencing deep religious feelings on being exposed to magnetic fields.
In view of the fact that electromagnetic fields can help a patient identify the cause of their illness, it is well within the realm of possibility that cosmic force fields could enable the entire human race to come to an analogous realization about our planet. We need to bear in mind here that the physical conditions are already in place that would enable each of us to enter and explore our inner worlds so that we can identify the mental baggage we tote around with us and determine what we need to do in order to rid ourselves of it. In short, the conditions for an expansion of consciousness are already in place.
I am convinced that we are currently in the midst of a process involving the restructuring of our neuronal networks, and that the catalyst of this process is the high solar-geomagnetic activity whose consequences are feared by so many people today. However, all facts and findings add up to the undeniable conclusion that this evolution will for the first time in human history enable us human beings to use the enormous potential of our brains.
David Samuels from Israel’s Weizmann Institute has estimated that the brain’s basic range of activities is driven by between 100,000 and 1 billion different chemical reactions every minute. The average human brain contains a minimum of 10 billion individual neurons or nerve cells — a figure that is even more astounding when you stop to think that each neuron can interact with many other neurons. In 1974 neurophysiologists discovered that some 10800 (10 to the 800th) interconnections come into play in this regard. The magnitude of this capacity is comparable with the following cosmic facts and figures: inasmuch as the atom is the smallest unit in the universe and the universe itself the largest, it is estimated that the universe contains a total of 1080 (10 to the 80th) atoms. In other words, the number of interactions in the human brain far exceeds the number of atoms in the universe.
Moscow University physicist Pyotra Anokin feels that the aforementioned estimate of possible interactions in the human brain is unduly low. According to his calculations, the potential number of structures that the human brain can create is so large that writing them out as a figure would translate into a line approximately 6.5 million miles long. So clearly we have not even begun to tap into the amazing potential of our brains — a situation that can be likened to using an area the size of a dust particle in a 500 room mansion.
The question then arises as to whether using our brains more efficiently will enable us to find an adequate response to the events of 2012. First of all, we need to realize that the brain and the mind are two different things. The mind can influence brain activity and vegetative processes by means of highly unusual suggestions, the most striking example being Buddhist masters whose ability to meditate enables them to put their brains in a tranquil state that palliates pain and that can even stop the beating of the heart.
Apart from this, what matters here is that our brains are always active whether we’re awake, asleep, calm or agitated, and are always seeking intensity, new experiences, and long term connections. When the human brain is exposed to new impressions, as well as mental and emotional stimuli, new synapses (interfaces between neurons) are created.
In other words, the human brain floats in a kind of rapturous harmony as long as it receives the right kind of stimuli. This is in keeping with the attendant electrochemical principle of all or nothing, which forms the basis for electrochemical communication between neurons — and in our context for interaction between the heretofore unused regions of the brain. If this weren’t the case, it would make no sense for us human beings to be endowed with a brain whose potential is never fully exploited. Indeed, it almost seems as though this miraculous organ were waiting for 2012 to finally prove what it’s capable of.
Apart from electrochemical information processing, our brain engages in other processes as well — processes that form the basis for our subconscious. According to the American physicist Evan Harris Walker, the human mind and human consciousness are not empirically measurable quantities. Walker believed that consciousness is not a chemical process or the like, but is instead attributable to a quantum mechanical tunnel process — a theory that is consistent with the views of a growing number of quantum physicists and brain scientists. Walker also persuasively showed that the brain’s synapses exhibit quantum mechanical phenomena, for which models have been posited by David Bohm and Basil Hilely. These authors report astonishing similarities between quantum potential and neurological connections in the brain.
These connections are far from being well ordered for in fact, chaos is the mainstay of the brain’s processes. This chaos, which comprises a veritable maelstrom of diffuse stimuli processing activities, is the precursor of a coherent equilibrium at higher levels. Creativity researchers have observed a similar phenomenon in which the creative mind initially processes totally chaotic and even contradictory concepts that ultimately translate into the beginnings of order and stability in the latter stages of the creative process. Hence, contrary to the law of entropy (order), evolution is moving toward negentropy (instability), a process that is at once feasible, useful and logical since it enables evolution to unfold in an “open system” so as to allow the brain to absorb new information and adapt in highly complex ways.
This prompted Ilya Prigogine to observe that each organized system dynamically shifts between a state of entropy and negentropy, i.e. between order and chaos. Moreover, Prigogine says, the greater the system’s potential instability, the more readily it adapts and changes. This principle fits the brain like a glove.
But where, then, is the seat of the mind, this mysterious locus of self awareness that amalgamates intuition, common sense, emotions and the intellect? For the moment I will leave it to neurologists to figure this out — although I will have more to say about this issue later on. First, though, I’d like to discuss the mental and psychological process of self discovery. The mind-brain system evolved out of a series of successive matrices. The first higher order matrix within which we move is undoubtedly the source of all life. According to Prigogine, for the infant brain a transition to a new harmonic matrix entails constant exposure to new resources that allow for the development of potential, self assurance, and skills.
These matrices, which are extremely concrete at the outset, become ever more abstract over time by dint of their exposure to perceptible reality, ultimately evolving into the matrix of pure creative thinking. Each transition to a new matrix is associated with unknown and unforeseeable experience that forms the basis for an increase in intelligence. According to Timothy Leary, each of us inherits a precoded draft of future organisms that differs considerably from the current human race and from most forms of human existence. And in the same vein, Michael Hutchison prophesied that the brain has learned more about itself over the past decade than during its entire history, and that henceforth human intelligence will evolve in quantum leaps.
Although I have already made the essential points regarding the effects of natural and artificial force fields on the brain, it should be noted here that phenomena such as the body’s rhythms that are controlled by the pituitary gland can be affected by electromagnetic fields, which can have a significant impact on moods, activity patterns and the circadian rhythm. So a great deal remains to be discovered in this domain.
Some years ago I was part of a research team that measured the brain waves of test subjects at regular intervals via EEG. We found that specific electromagnetic fields sporadically acted on the test subjects’ brains, without their being aware of this phenomenon. One of our most striking findings was that the test subjects’ brain waves could be altered via exposure of the brain to electromagnetic waves; and as if this weren’t astonishing enough, we also found that we could even control the test subjects’ brain waves using these fields. For example, the EEG frequency of a test subject with a predominant baseline frequency of 10 hertz could be increased to 12 hertz each time we exposed the subject to an exogenous 10 hertz electromagnetic field that was then increased to 12 hertz. We concluded from this that endogenous rhythms are governed by their exogenous counterparts.
These experiments convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt that human cells and electromagnetic fields do in fact interact; and this may in fact be one of the primary reasons why I decided to write this book. These findings also opened my eyes to processes that were of fundamental importance for my own research in that I now had incontrovertible, empirical proof that electromagnetic fields have a direct impact on brain activity.
A short time later I stumbled upon another phenomenon that I couldn’t get out of my mind: specific force fields and force field intensity levels induce perceptions that could otherwise only be induced by the administration of psychoactive substances. A normal geomagnetic field allows us to maintain a normal state of alert consciousness, including our sense of time; whereas a severely abnormal geomagnetic field or the absence of a geomagnetic field provokes abnormal mental states and a derangement of our sense of time. In other words the effect of geomagnetic disturbances is very similar to that of taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Strange though this may sound, I can assure you that it’s anything but. Altered mental states are provoked by neurochemical processes and the production of psychoactive substances, i.e. endogenous hallucinogens. The mental anomalies experienced by the test subjects in the aforementioned experiments were induced by “surplus” production of such substances secondary to withdrawal of, or exposure to very weak geomagnetic fields. Thus, under certain conditions the brain has the capacity to produce so called illegal substances. In other words, a phenomenon that under “normal” circumstances could only be induced through the practice of meditation or the like can also be catalyzed by exogenous electromagnetic fields.
This raises the following questions: What exactly happens during such an event? Is this phenomenon beneficial, or can it be harmful or even addictive? The fact is that the brain has the capacity to produce a chemical for every emotion we experience — a phenomenon that forms the subject of Molecules of Emotion: The Science Behind Mind-Body Medicine by Dr. Candace Pert, Professor of Biochemistry at John Hopkins University whose observations in this regard can be summarized as follows: expansions of consciousness are provoked by a specific family of molecules. The basic difference between our daytime and nocturnal state of consciousness lies in the level of consciousness. While we are asleep, we are unaware of our existence and have no memory of our waking life, whereas the reverse situation prevails when we are awake. In other words, being asleep falls within the sphere of unconsciousness whereas being awake belongs to the domain of consciousness. Apart from this dichotomy, there is another level of consciousness known as enlightenment or satori, which I discuss at length below. Specific substances known as neurotransmitters are responsible for all three of these phases.
One of the key neurotransmitters is serotonin, which keeps us in an awake state and is therefore also responsible for our sense of time. When we are under the influence of serotonin — an effect that can be heightened even by just a small embrace — we feel relaxed and happy. Acute serotonin deficiency can provoke negative effects ranging from extreme melancholy to manic depression. However, a substantially elevated serotonin level induces emotions ranging from euphoria to ecstasy.
Thus serotonin controls our moods. There is scarcely any difference between the chemical structure of serotonin and the hallucinogen “psilocybin”, which occurs in a mushroom that the peoples of some cultures used to take during certain rituals. For example the Mayans referred to psilocybin as the “Mayan mushroom,” and the Dervishes called it the “Sufi mushroom.” The plant was described by some as being the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil — an appellation not unlike the reference in Genesis to the fruit of the tree of knowledge.
LSD — the synthesized form of psilocybin — is a psychoactive substance that was first produced by the chemist Albert Hofmann in 1938 while he was doing research on ergot, which is the (toxic) dried sclerotium of the eponymous rye plant. Hofmann stumbled on the hallucinogenic effects of LSD when he inadvertently absorbed the substance through his skin. He then repeated this experience by taking 250 micrograms of LSD, which he felt was the smallest possible effective dose for a hallucinogen compared to mescaline, which was the strongest hallucinogen then known. However, Hofmann discovered that 250 micrograms of LSD was the equivalent of five times the normal effective dose of mescaline.
In addition to the aforementioned sleeping state (which correlates with unconsciousness) and the waking state (which correlates with consciousness), there is also the state of enlightenment or hyper-consciousness.
Neurochemical substances known as tryptamines are responsible for all three of these states. The human brain has the capacity to convert any of these tryptamines into another tryptamine. Just as serotonin transitions us between a waking and sleeping state, there is also an additional neurotransmitter known as melatonin (mentioned earlier in connection with the pituitary gland) that is responsible for our state of “consciousness” while asleep. Serotonin is converted into melatonin in direct proportion to how drowsy we are, until we actually fall asleep. The findings of sleep, consciousness, and neurochemistry research have shown that an additional neurotransmitter known as dimethyltryptamine (DMT) is produced in the brain during both deep sleep and hyper-conscious (enlightened) states, thus making DMT one of the most powerful psychoactive drugs of all.
Unfortunately we literally sleep through the heady albeit completely legal drug high constituted by the hyper-conscious (enlightened) state, and are thus completely unaware of its occurrence. In other words, though we experience this state, we are unconscious of it and thus have no memory of it either. Both psilocybin and the neurotransmitter DMT are members of the same chemical family. If we could directly experience this heightened state of consciousness, we would be able to perceive its actual consciousness expanding properties. But unfortunately this is beyond the realm of possibility for ordinary mortals, and is achievable only by spiritual masters when they reach a state of enlightenment.
Only a mental state in which we feel that we are “in harmony” with all things will enable us to ascend to this level of pure being. In this state, the unduly self important ego retreats into the cosmic realm, where it becomes one with all things. While asleep, we are disassociated from our ego and have no memory of its daily manifestations in our consciousness. This is also why, during deep sleep phases, we are able to reach an enlightenment-like state, one that is unencumbered by the ego or the excess narcissistic baggage that weighs us down during our waking hours.
It has been scientifically proven that on certain days while we are in a waking state, solar-geomagnetic disturbances cause our brain to produce psychoactive, consciousness expanding substances, provoking hallucinations whose incidence is higher during periods where specific geomagnetic conditions prevail. The medical definition of a hallucination is a deceptive sense perception that occurs in the absence of an external stimulus. This can involve experiences such as seeing objects that do not in fact exist or hearing voices in the absence of a speaker.
The salient feature of hallucinations (which can affect any of the senses) is that the hallucination is totally real for the person experiencing it, who cannot distinguish the hallucination from reality — thus making this experience altogether different from that of a daydream.
The events the cosmos has in store for us in 2012 can be compared to the effect of being handed a glass of juice into which someone has slipped some LSD without our knowledge. Such unanticipated altered states of consciousness have certainly occurred at other junctures in human history. For example, sudden outbreaks of hysteria provoked by hallucinations occurred regularly during the Middle Ages. Those affected were unaware that the bread they were eating contained ergot, whose active ingredient Albert Hofmann used to make LSD many years later. Inasmuch as the hallucinogenic effects of bread containing ergot were unknown at the time, those affected could only conclude that their altered mental state was a serious illness.
The analogy with this historical evolution and what awaits us in or around 2012 — with the predicted arrival of a massive solar storm — is clear, I think. For in that year force field disturbances are very likely to provoke not only disconcerting mental states, but also extremely pleasant ones. Even if you have your doubts about the term “enlightenment,” you should nonetheless begin meditating as soon as possible so that you will be receptive to these states. These changes within us are in the pipeline — of that there can be no doubt — so you’ll get an extremely useful head start if you begin instituting these changes now.
These mental states, which can be regarded as cosmic interventions, will directly impact our lives in various ways. Time will appear to move more slowly. Increased solar-geomagnetic activity will be associated with an increased incidence of altered mental states. We will experience nervousness, aggressiveness, depression and euphoria in turn. It would seem that the process that enables us to find the path to knowledge is currently occurring via a kind of cosmically induced correction. We will experience phenomena that affect geomagnetic fields and the like as an expansion of our consciousness that is tied to our personal history and current mental state.
Between 1983 and 2002, the cognitive neuroscience researcher Michael Persinger published the results of 240 investigations nearly all of which concerned consciousness expanding perceptions induced by magnetic fields.
These investigations were conducted as follows: A series of test subjects seated on a chair in a dark, acoustically insulated room was asked to put on a motorcycle helmet retrofitted with electromagnetic field-emitting solenoids that emitted very weak electromagnetic fields into the test subject’s brain that were the equivalent of roughly 1/20 of the geomagnetic field.
Dr. Persinger, who also conducted research for NASA, said in an interview that these experiments allowed him to use the brain as its own amplifier and play back brain wave patterns previously recorded via EEG.80 These fields exerted an extremely unusual effect. According to the German newspaper Die Zeit, “many of the test subjects felt a strange ‘presence’ while wearing Dr. Persinger’s motorcycle helmet, as if there was someone else in the room with them.”81 Moreover, some test subjects were absolutely convinced that they had sensed angel-like beings or a God-like presence, whereas others fled the room in terror and were overwhelmed by negative feelings.
Apart from the aforementioned proven effects of magnetic fields, these results show that whether a person remains stuck in their old ways of thinking or is receptive to new ways of seeing things is determined by their predispositions or energy field. One person might flee an unexplained presence in their field of perception; another might regard such a presence as part of their consciousness; and yet another might initiate a dialogue with the mysterious presence and be inspired thereby.
Studies conducted by Professor Andrew Newberg shed invaluable light on intra-meditation brain activity via investigations of eight Tibetan Buddhist monks and eight Franciscan nuns during meditation. The test subjects were asked to adhere to their normal meditation practices as much as possible during the experiments. To this end and in the interest of preventing the test subjects from being distracted from their meditation process per se, when a test subject felt they had reached a meditative state, they signaled this by tugging on a rope, whereupon a radioactive substance was intravenously injected into their bloodstream. This was done because radioactive particles gravitate to the most heavily perfused brain cells. Thus at the end of each meditation session, the test subjects underwent a SPECT (Single Photon Emission Computed Tomography ) scan, which allows for the visualization of radioactive particles. The measurement results during meditation demonstrated elevated perfusion in specific regions of the brain.
The region of the brain that is directly tied to meditation is the orientation- associated center in the parietal lobes, which thanks to the steady flow of information from the sense organs creates a clearly defined boundary between the body and its environment, and also creates a sense of time. Experiments conducted at Ludwig Maximilians University in Munich have shown that this region is susceptible to the effects of geomagnetic fields.
In the meditation experiments, Newberg reasoned that “shutting down” this region of the brain may allow the test subjects to achieve a sense of oneness with the world while meditating, since the boundaries between space and time were no longer perceptible. Buddhists term this nirvana, i.e. a dissolution into nothingness. The nuns, on the other hand, referred to it as the experience of becoming one with God. Thus it seems this state is characterized by a consciously perceived melding with hyperspace, which is a higher dimension whose existence was demonstrated by none other than Max Planck.
In any case, when the test subjects were in a meditative state the boundaries between the self and the world were dissolved - a phenomenon that is oftentimes (somewhat fuzzily) described as “being one with everything that exists.” According to Professor Newberg, when a person goes far enough the self disappears completely and the person experiences a sense of oneness, of infinite boundlessness. In other words, he feels that mystical experience is a biological reality that is scientifically perceptible, and that human beings are by their very nature mystical beings with an inborn capacity for effortless self transcendence.
Unfortunately Newberg uses his results to reduce religion to its mystical aspects, namely meditation and prayer. But surely for most religions people, their religion is more than just the promise or belief that a higher power determines their destiny. This view on the part of Newberg has come in for considerable criticism — for example from the philosopher and cognitive neuroscientist Detlef Linke, who in his book Religion als Risiko. Geist, Glaube und Gehirn (“Religion as a Risk. Mind, Faith and Brain”) took neurotheologists to task in these words: “Although neurotheologists are able to reconcile science and religion after many years of enmity between these two entities and in the coming years will undoubtedly shed even greater light on the biological processes of belief, their findings do not explain the phenomenon of religion. Even if it is true that men are animals who would rather embrace religious beliefs than think rationally and logically, one thing is certain: neurotheologists will never be able to prove the existence of God, since if God does exist, He is everywhere and not just in the brain.” Nonetheless, neurologist Vilayanur Ramachandran, Director of the Center for Brain and Cognition and Professor of Psychology in the Neuroscience Department at the University of California, San Diego, has identified a region of the brain he refers to as the God module, which he feels is closely tied to spiritual thoughts.
Perhaps this digression has changed your thinking somewhat as regards the meaning of the term instability. It is certainly true that solar-geomagnetic activity can induce instability in biological systems, and particularly in the human brain which is highly susceptible to electromagnetic and magnetic fields. But this doesn’t mean that we should be afraid of instability. We need to bear in mind that an existing element in an unstable situation must be used before it can give rise to something new.
Moreover, so-called hopeless patients have been successfully treated using the effects of solar-geomagnetic fields on the mind, perception and consciousness. This megawave therapy, as it is called, consists in the administration of electromagnetic fields that are identical to those found in nature. This therapy has achieved exceptionally high cure rates by virtue of the fact that for the first time the patients understand the cause of their disorder. Hence this therapy is closely bound up with a catalyzed process of consciousness, and does not at all involve a crude mechanistic procedure.
As with the motorcycle helmet experiments, the electromagnetic field stimulus is administered directly to the patient’s head so as to allow the electromagnetic waves to penetrate deep into the brain. Conversely, it has been observed that exogenous electromagnetic fields provoke psychosomatic symptoms.
On the other hand, healthy subjects that are exposed to these same therapeutic frequencies always report having experienced an altered state of consciousness, and in so doing indicate that they suddenly, inexplicably and joyfully saw the “things of this world” in a larger context. You might of course wonder whether such experiences might be attributable to dizziness or mere illusions - in other words, subjective pseudo-experiences that are provoked by electromagnetic fields.
The answer to these questions can be found in the objectivity of experiences that are induced by external phenomena. When these questions are considered in light of the therapeutic success that was achieved with these extremely ill patients, it is fair to say that the end justifies the means in such cases, which are in any case difficult to assess. Nonetheless, we can certainly regard force field-enhanced expansions of consciousness as good training for all of the mental states that await us in 2012 — and for which no test classifications of any kind are available.
These reflections also serve as a reminder that we will be communicating with cosmic phenomena in the near future. What will this entail from a biological standpoint?
For some three decades now I have been studying the effects of electromagnetic fields on biological systems. My initial investigations, which date back to 1980, led me to posit a theory that I later confirmed — namely that our cells communicate with each other via endogenous electromagnetic fields that regulate these absolutely essential cell dialogues. My research at the time on simple cell systems clearly revealed that administering specific electromagnetic fields to cells in a Petri dish had a regulating and controlling effect on these cells.
My research also demonstrated that stable cell systems that are deliberately desynchronized can be returned to their baseline state by administering the relevant electromagnetic fields. I repeated these experiments a number of times and validated them via statistical analysis. It should be noted, however, that this type of effect did not fall within the scope of the “state of the art” back then; in other words it was not included in college syllabuses. The genuinely astonishing nature of these findings prompted me to apply for a German patent for this therapeutic process in 1982 and a European patent in the following year, which I was awarded in 1986.
For me, these patents validated the fact that my discovery represented a genuine scientific breakthrough, which is primarily attributable to my unusual life’s path as a visionary, scientist, and specialist in the field of frequency research. These activities provided me with direct access to the academic institutions that were leaders in this field. Moreover, during my stint as manager of a research project for Germany’s Ministry of Research and Technology, I had the opportunity to establish an interdisciplinary team.
Our research results, which were presented at international symposiums and conferences, solidified my grasp of the subject matter that forms the basis for the present book. The most important results from my standpoint were those we obtained in our experiments with completely asymptomatic (i.e. healthy) test subjects. In these experiments we discovered that the electromagnetic fields to which we subjected the test subjects were consistent with human DNA and terrestrial resonance frequencies. The specific frequencies that came into play were a 150 MHz basic carrier frequency — which is the equivalent of a 6.5 foot long wave — with an 8 Hz frequency modulated on it.
It was discovered in 2002 that this is also the length of an uncoiled human DNA molecule. Our tests yielded the aforementioned effect only when this 150 MHz DNA resonance frequency was used and when other frequencies were modulated on this carrier frequency, which we found also occurs in nature. However, when human beings are exposed to unnatural electromagnetic fields the results are appalling. My exhaustive patent search unearthed at least a few patented inventions that are intended for an application quite different from the foregoing — namely involving specific electromagnetic frequencies that are used as weapons. This search also led me to the conclusion that certain force fields provoke panic and anxiety in human beings.
If you feel that I am advancing some kind of conspiracy theory here, an incident that was reported in the media may give you food for thought. What happened was that homeless people in London’s financial district reported feeling tightness in the chest and anxiety when exposed to certain electromagnetic fields. These effects were so severe that the homeless people were forced to flee their usual haunts.
I mention this sad tale so as to avoid creating the impression that electromagnetic fields are inherently beneficial. The nature of the effects of such fields is determined solely by their frequency and intensity.
All of the brain wave (EEG) measurements of the test subjects in the aforementioned experiments were realized with the subjects in a relaxed state, lying on their backs, with their eyes closed. Antennas concealed under a pillow that emitted precisely defined electromagnetic fields were positioned near the subject’s head. Brain wave sensors (EEGs) recorded all test subject brain waves during all of the experiments. As soon as the antennas began emitting electromagnetic fields, the electrodes attached to the subject’s head transmitted signals to the recording source in such a way that the test subject’s brain (i.e. neurons) emitted signals induced by electromagnetic fields that would not have been emitted in the absence of these fields.
Our test subjects exhibited field-induced alpha wave activity exceeding the norm by several hundred percent, which amazed both us and our subjects, since alpha waves normally indicate a semi-somnolent state. For example, alpha waves predominate when, in falling asleep, we transition to a sleep state, and conversely upon awakening from sleep. Natural healers induce an alpha state in their patients before beginning the treatment per se - but of course without the use of exogenous force fields. Genuine healers have the ability to induce such fields and heal their patients through force of will and conviction alone.
My invention allows an alpha state, which is regarded as the threshold between consciousness and unconsciousness, to be used for therapeutic purposes. Electromagnetic fields in the alpha range (as well as DNA resonance frequencies) are administered to the patient in such a way as to put him in an expanded state of self awareness. This in turn produces a therapeutic effect that chiefly stems from the fact that the patient is able to recognize the cause of his illness, which he had previously internalized as a trauma. This recognition process is undoubtedly strengthened by the fact that the patient remains in an alpha state so long as the effect of the electromagnetic fields remains constant.
At the juncture where the conscious and unconscious mind work in concert, a phenomenon known as “spontaneous healing” or “miracle healing” occurs. In this alpha state, where the patient is completely free of anxiety and obsessive thoughts, he has at his disposal all of his self healing powers — which however are only mobilized once he has recognized the actual cause of his illness.
In one experiment, a terminal patient suffering from an incurable disease was exposed to a simulated natural magnetic field, whereupon the patient saw extremely traumatic images in his mind’s eye. The patient initially refused to deal with these images, but after further treatment he confronted the images and realized how his life’s path had provoked his illness. This realization triggered the healing process in this patient.
Needless to say, these findings also apply to the situation the world is currently facing. By regarding the current global crises as a symptom of a disease and looking deep within ourselves, we will be able to identify the actual cause of this disease. That this cause is closely bound up with our navel gazing tendencies and endemic egotism will come as no surprise to anyone. So long as our efforts to save ourselves center around the symptoms of our condition, a long lasting cure will elude us. We can only save our planet if we first recognize the true cause of its illness. This kind of awareness can be obtained through the use of induced electromagnetic fields.
For example, if every human being on Earth were exposed to electromagnetic fields as was done in the therapy described above, a collective awareness on the part of all human beings would take hold, unlikely though this may sound. And what if these electromagnetic fields were already exerting their effect on the human race? If people were unaware of these field effects, their first reaction would be to doubt their sanity, which might prompt them to check into a psychiatric hospital on account of their “abnormal” mental state.
Such individuals would genuinely believe they had lost their mind and would be full of anxiety - which unfortunately bars all access to our higher consciousness. But if, on the other hand, we give ourselves over to a state of calm and tranquility — in other words, if we transition to our alpha state — we will readily perceive the overarching connections and feel liberated by them.
Many will not immediately recognize the cosmically induced changes in perception, and will at first glance dismiss them as the products of their own imagination. However, I know from my professional experience that a person’s willingness to open themselves to intuitive perceptions — a criterion referred to by psychologists as “mindset and setting” — is a precondition for success. Unless we are armed with the information we need, we may suffer rather than benefiting from the untoward effects of geomagnetic “anomalies.”
In the run-up to 2012, knowledge is and will be the gateway to positive experience. Many people realize that some of their best and most unusual ideas have come to them on days with particularly high solar-geomagnetic activity. This phenomenon has also been scientifically proven by NASA scientists. The cognitive neuroscience researcher Michael Persinger was the first to discover that test subjects exposed to specific magnetic fields suddenly gained extremely spiritual insights. These results are all the more amazing in that even hardened atheists reported experiencing deep religious feelings on being exposed to magnetic fields.
In view of the fact that electromagnetic fields can help a patient identify the cause of their illness, it is well within the realm of possibility that cosmic force fields could enable the entire human race to come to an analogous realization about our planet. We need to bear in mind here that the physical conditions are already in place that would enable each of us to enter and explore our inner worlds so that we can identify the mental baggage we tote around with us and determine what we need to do in order to rid ourselves of it. In short, the conditions for an expansion of consciousness are already in place.
Awareness
In the deepest within, the most infinite beyond. In ever present awareness, your soul expands to embrace the entire Kosmos, so that Spirit alone remains, as the simple world of what is. The rain no longer falls on you, but within you; the sun shines from inside your heart and radiates into the world, blessing it with grace; supernovas swirl in your consciousness, the thunder is the sound of your own exhilarated heart; the oceans and rivers are nothing but your blood pulsing to the rhythm of your soul. Infinitely ascended worlds of light dance in the interior of your brain; infinitely descended worlds of night cascade around your feet; the clouds crawl across the sky of your own unfettered mind, while the wind blows through the empty space where your self once used to be. The sound of the rain falling on the roof is the only self you can find, here in the obvious world of crystalline one taste, where inner and outer are silly fictions and self and other are obscene lies, and ever-present simplicity is the sound of one hand clapping madly for all eternity. In the greatest depth, the simplest what is, in the journey ends, as it always does, exactly where it began.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Love can last a lifetime
Love can last a lifetime
if you allow it
Life can be happiness
just let it go
just don't ever forget it
it will still be there
instilled within your heart
bound together in your souls
you know what's real
and what is a game
one day you will be together again
and it will be as if you had just met
however you know them as if you had never left
if you allow it
Life can be happiness
just let it go
just don't ever forget it
it will still be there
instilled within your heart
bound together in your souls
you know what's real
and what is a game
one day you will be together again
and it will be as if you had just met
however you know them as if you had never left
The game of life.
ive been out of the game so long
ive forgotten how it goes
who wins and who loses
whos the friends and whos the foes.
how do i trust a man?
when ive trusted so many before
and just been disrespected
treated extremely poor.
how do i kiss a man?
tenderly and with passion
when it feels my heart is black like tar
how do i grab the moment without it passing?
how do i know how to flirt?
without looking like a total fool
i used to do everything drunk
now i just look like a sober tool.
when a guy comes my way
im the first to run
how do i know it's ok to stick around
without grabbing for that gun.
why does being sober make everything so hard?
makes it all hard for my brain to get
i need a man to shake me and whisk me away
without time to think or regret.
no questions, no answers
life would be so nice
no stop to think, no stop to breathe
just live life on a whim and not pay the price.
ive forgotten how it goes
who wins and who loses
whos the friends and whos the foes.
how do i trust a man?
when ive trusted so many before
and just been disrespected
treated extremely poor.
how do i kiss a man?
tenderly and with passion
when it feels my heart is black like tar
how do i grab the moment without it passing?
how do i know how to flirt?
without looking like a total fool
i used to do everything drunk
now i just look like a sober tool.
when a guy comes my way
im the first to run
how do i know it's ok to stick around
without grabbing for that gun.
why does being sober make everything so hard?
makes it all hard for my brain to get
i need a man to shake me and whisk me away
without time to think or regret.
no questions, no answers
life would be so nice
no stop to think, no stop to breathe
just live life on a whim and not pay the price.
Alcohol the poison.
It scares me, the regret.
Losing control of mind, body and soul.
Life should not be like this.
Unable to be without intoxication.
Hardly waking the next day.
Feeling as if death is closing in.
Wonder of what happened.
Asking unanswered questions.
The losing of memory,
Unable to remember past events,
Damn the alcohol,
Devils juice.
It makes me hurt inside,
Yet I cannot put it down.
Every sip and I need another,
My mouth is so dry.
I drink because I'm thirsty,
Thirsty to make all the nightmares go away.
Stop the torment.
It helps me forget myself, my control.
Who am i?
I am miserable.
Losing control of mind, body and soul.
Life should not be like this.
Unable to be without intoxication.
Hardly waking the next day.
Feeling as if death is closing in.
Wonder of what happened.
Asking unanswered questions.
The losing of memory,
Unable to remember past events,
Damn the alcohol,
Devils juice.
It makes me hurt inside,
Yet I cannot put it down.
Every sip and I need another,
My mouth is so dry.
I drink because I'm thirsty,
Thirsty to make all the nightmares go away.
Stop the torment.
It helps me forget myself, my control.
Who am i?
I am miserable.
Invisible
I dont own a watch,
i have no concept of time,
i thought today was yesterday,
where am i?
on the planet, earth.
suprisingly true,
i feel numb, almost unattached,
a spiritual being, floating above,
watching all,
i am invisible to you.
i have no concept of time,
i thought today was yesterday,
where am i?
on the planet, earth.
suprisingly true,
i feel numb, almost unattached,
a spiritual being, floating above,
watching all,
i am invisible to you.
Choosing: Addiction
Choosing: Addiction
It was so painful,
3 weeks of insomnia.
Sleep deprivation attacks the thought process.
The physical pain was damaging to the soul.
Oh how I craved,
just one more drink, it won't hurt.
I kept reminding myself of the person I did not want to be anymore!
The sad, desperate addict.
So desperate for another...
so unneccesary, yet I craved.
Now 2 months down the track,
waking up every morning is a blessing.
No more anxiety, hangovers or panic attacks.
Strength, willpower and courage,
I chose life.
It was so painful,
3 weeks of insomnia.
Sleep deprivation attacks the thought process.
The physical pain was damaging to the soul.
Oh how I craved,
just one more drink, it won't hurt.
I kept reminding myself of the person I did not want to be anymore!
The sad, desperate addict.
So desperate for another...
so unneccesary, yet I craved.
Now 2 months down the track,
waking up every morning is a blessing.
No more anxiety, hangovers or panic attacks.
Strength, willpower and courage,
I chose life.
Alcoholism
Photo album shows memories,
scattered dreams.
Times when I didn't care.
I didn't know who I was.
The poison blocked any emotion,
yet brought out the worst in me.
Sober, 4 days, I hate it.
I know I need to rid it.
Set myself free.
I felt invincible.
Bulletproof.
All I did was hate myself even more.
Nothing can take that pain away.
Until I can see, without intoxication.
I am so loved.
Yet feel so alone.
I do it, to myself.
Push them all away.
I tell them lies so they leave me alone.
It's better off this way.
I need to learn to love myself again,
I just don't know how.
All I know is how to abuse myself, that makes me feel good.
The poison makes me lie.
I hate it,
I need to learn control.
Tell myself I can do it.
Give myself the chance.
Sober. Alive. Happy. Hope.
scattered dreams.
Times when I didn't care.
I didn't know who I was.
The poison blocked any emotion,
yet brought out the worst in me.
Sober, 4 days, I hate it.
I know I need to rid it.
Set myself free.
I felt invincible.
Bulletproof.
All I did was hate myself even more.
Nothing can take that pain away.
Until I can see, without intoxication.
I am so loved.
Yet feel so alone.
I do it, to myself.
Push them all away.
I tell them lies so they leave me alone.
It's better off this way.
I need to learn to love myself again,
I just don't know how.
All I know is how to abuse myself, that makes me feel good.
The poison makes me lie.
I hate it,
I need to learn control.
Tell myself I can do it.
Give myself the chance.
Sober. Alive. Happy. Hope.
Defenseless
I put up my defense shield
I find it hard to speak to you
I berrate you
I don't mean to
My mouth is my core enemy
I'm scared of liking you
so I act mean
I know it doesn't make sense
but it's the way I cope
unfortunately.
I make fun of you
but I really want you
I wish you were mine
everlasting
love is a fever.
I dream of you
I can still taste you on my lips
You were such a caring lover
I miss your smile
the way you laugh at my jokes.
I failed because I lied
I pushed you away
that was the furtherest thing
i ever wanted
I'm sorry to myself for that.
I hate myself for hiding
the facade is my favourite friend
it's the only way i face the day
Who am i?
who knows.
I wish I was everything in your eyes
I wish you dreamt of me when you slept
tasted me on your lips
held me in your arms every night
the one thing i wish for daily
welcome to my life.
I find it hard to speak to you
I berrate you
I don't mean to
My mouth is my core enemy
I'm scared of liking you
so I act mean
I know it doesn't make sense
but it's the way I cope
unfortunately.
I make fun of you
but I really want you
I wish you were mine
everlasting
love is a fever.
I dream of you
I can still taste you on my lips
You were such a caring lover
I miss your smile
the way you laugh at my jokes.
I failed because I lied
I pushed you away
that was the furtherest thing
i ever wanted
I'm sorry to myself for that.
I hate myself for hiding
the facade is my favourite friend
it's the only way i face the day
Who am i?
who knows.
I wish I was everything in your eyes
I wish you dreamt of me when you slept
tasted me on your lips
held me in your arms every night
the one thing i wish for daily
welcome to my life.
In your arms.
It's so hard to breathe, knowing how unbelievably perfect this moment is.
In your arms,
Feeling like my heart has healed.
No more hopelessness,
No more numbness,
I was happy being yours
and you were mine.
Holding hands,
being each others constant.
Comforting when needed,
you were my everything.
In your arms,
Feeling like my heart has healed.
No more hopelessness,
No more numbness,
I was happy being yours
and you were mine.
Holding hands,
being each others constant.
Comforting when needed,
you were my everything.
For family...
The ones who love you no matter what.
They know your secrets, your fears.
They have seen your deepest, your darkest times.
Even though you do wrong,
they are the ones to always back you up.
Live for you.
Hold you when you are about to down that bottle.
You are broken.
Throw what you want at them.
They take it.
Family, through thick and thin.
They are there for you.
Cherish this.
They know your secrets, your fears.
They have seen your deepest, your darkest times.
Even though you do wrong,
they are the ones to always back you up.
Live for you.
Hold you when you are about to down that bottle.
You are broken.
Throw what you want at them.
They take it.
Family, through thick and thin.
They are there for you.
Cherish this.
The last goodbye
I thought we would last longer than we did,
In the end. I am. Humiliated. Hurt. Broken. Messy.
Sometimes I revel in hating you.
Sometimes I miss your everything and I smile.
You disgust me, but I also can't help but miss you.
What a mess.
I am no longer anything, but ripped apart at the seams and discarded.
I wonder,
Do you even miss me?
Where did I go wrong?
Did you ever feel anything for me?
Was I just another pawn on the chessboard?
Thanks for nothing.
I wish I never met you.
Another lesson learnt.
Another heartache to recover from.
Another goodbye.
Uncontrollable emotions.
It is going to be okay, I will convince myself.
In the end. I am. Humiliated. Hurt. Broken. Messy.
Sometimes I revel in hating you.
Sometimes I miss your everything and I smile.
You disgust me, but I also can't help but miss you.
What a mess.
I am no longer anything, but ripped apart at the seams and discarded.
I wonder,
Do you even miss me?
Where did I go wrong?
Did you ever feel anything for me?
Was I just another pawn on the chessboard?
Thanks for nothing.
I wish I never met you.
Another lesson learnt.
Another heartache to recover from.
Another goodbye.
Uncontrollable emotions.
It is going to be okay, I will convince myself.
TO the selfish ones, when I quit drinking...
I wish they understood first hand,
the pain I feel everyday.
Wanting to drink,
wanting to forget it all.
However, my life is a new one,
new to me, and everyone around me.
For ten years I was numb,
I did not care about myself,
mind, body or soul.
I wish I could send them back to when I was 15,
to watch me progress into what I became.
A hopeless addict.
I lived for the poison,
just one more drink.
Unless you have been through this want,
need for the chemical, you can't understand.
It is contradictive,
you hate what it has done to you,
makes you act,
makes you feel,
wanting more everyday,
yet the fear of losing it forever is much more scary.
I crushed the addiction,
and here I am.
The brand new me,
a new improved version,
and you want me to be needy?
You want me to be dependent on something else?
This pains me and helps me to decide what I need,
I need breath,
I need positiveness,
I need a happy life.
I no longer want to feel dependent on anything,
one addiction is enough for one lifetime.
If you were not thinking about yourself,
and truly looking into the life I had,
you would see who I have become,
and how special that is to me,
my family, my friends.
It is not all about me,
but relationships should encourage compromise.
Never did I tell you how to be,
how to feel, that you were too needy.
I just let you be who you were.
However, as stressful as that seemed to be,
I bounce back,
to a new future, how exciting!
I am truly happy to be alive, sober and with life,
That is me. A true Survivor,
and I thank the universe,
my family and friends,
for giving me the strength to combat,
and climb over that wall.
Right now,
By myself,
Being me,
being happy,
someone who hopes to be able to love themself one day,
it will come, it is halfway here.
the pain I feel everyday.
Wanting to drink,
wanting to forget it all.
However, my life is a new one,
new to me, and everyone around me.
For ten years I was numb,
I did not care about myself,
mind, body or soul.
I wish I could send them back to when I was 15,
to watch me progress into what I became.
A hopeless addict.
I lived for the poison,
just one more drink.
Unless you have been through this want,
need for the chemical, you can't understand.
It is contradictive,
you hate what it has done to you,
makes you act,
makes you feel,
wanting more everyday,
yet the fear of losing it forever is much more scary.
I crushed the addiction,
and here I am.
The brand new me,
a new improved version,
and you want me to be needy?
You want me to be dependent on something else?
This pains me and helps me to decide what I need,
I need breath,
I need positiveness,
I need a happy life.
I no longer want to feel dependent on anything,
one addiction is enough for one lifetime.
If you were not thinking about yourself,
and truly looking into the life I had,
you would see who I have become,
and how special that is to me,
my family, my friends.
It is not all about me,
but relationships should encourage compromise.
Never did I tell you how to be,
how to feel, that you were too needy.
I just let you be who you were.
However, as stressful as that seemed to be,
I bounce back,
to a new future, how exciting!
I am truly happy to be alive, sober and with life,
That is me. A true Survivor,
and I thank the universe,
my family and friends,
for giving me the strength to combat,
and climb over that wall.
Right now,
By myself,
Being me,
being happy,
someone who hopes to be able to love themself one day,
it will come, it is halfway here.
A way I still feel from time to time...
I can't deal with people today
Their judging eyes, staring
I can't deal with their smiles
How can they be so happy?
When I feel so sad, so alone.
Where do they get off, knowing life is okay?
When I sit here questioning?
I stare into space
Ignore all conversation
I'm in my own little world, trying to forget.
It all seems so hard, so heavy on my chest.
I feel so rundown with inability to get well.
Why is it always like this for me?
I'm at breaking point and I'm ready to explode.
Help.
It's time to ask for help.
To realise what's wrong with me.
I wake up every morning, without knowing my emotions.
Unable to detect which one I'll feel today.
Numb to the constant pain in my head.
Tears stinging my eyes while I try to sleep.
It's hard to say those few words.
but I can't smile anymore.
I find it hard to laugh, be happy, be me.
People are noticing, I can't even be a facade.
The pretty colours are fading and I am so scared.
I don't need or want fixing,
but I want to be happy,
I want to wake up and know I'm going to be okay.
Know I can go to sleep in silence and not have to ignore the negative thoughts.
I want to love myself.
After two years of my dealing with my past.
I was happy to live and be strong.
Yet I am again feeling so weak.
Unable to deal with anything that comes my way.
I just break down and cry.
Battered, bruised, broken.
I watch those people who are so happy,
and try to remember a time when I was.
It makes me cry uncontrollably.
I remember many times I felt that way, consumed and filled with joy.
Now, I feel nothing.
I am capable of only being sad and negative.
This way of life is so easy to stay in,
so hard to recognise there is a problem.
It takes so much energy but to accept the issue,
to live without denial,
hardly.
I hope that one day, I feel good again,
I will not feel those people judging me,
I will be strong and be able to deal with things better.
Loving will be easier,
living will be easier.
Their judging eyes, staring
I can't deal with their smiles
How can they be so happy?
When I feel so sad, so alone.
Where do they get off, knowing life is okay?
When I sit here questioning?
I stare into space
Ignore all conversation
I'm in my own little world, trying to forget.
It all seems so hard, so heavy on my chest.
I feel so rundown with inability to get well.
Why is it always like this for me?
I'm at breaking point and I'm ready to explode.
Help.
It's time to ask for help.
To realise what's wrong with me.
I wake up every morning, without knowing my emotions.
Unable to detect which one I'll feel today.
Numb to the constant pain in my head.
Tears stinging my eyes while I try to sleep.
It's hard to say those few words.
but I can't smile anymore.
I find it hard to laugh, be happy, be me.
People are noticing, I can't even be a facade.
The pretty colours are fading and I am so scared.
I don't need or want fixing,
but I want to be happy,
I want to wake up and know I'm going to be okay.
Know I can go to sleep in silence and not have to ignore the negative thoughts.
I want to love myself.
After two years of my dealing with my past.
I was happy to live and be strong.
Yet I am again feeling so weak.
Unable to deal with anything that comes my way.
I just break down and cry.
Battered, bruised, broken.
I watch those people who are so happy,
and try to remember a time when I was.
It makes me cry uncontrollably.
I remember many times I felt that way, consumed and filled with joy.
Now, I feel nothing.
I am capable of only being sad and negative.
This way of life is so easy to stay in,
so hard to recognise there is a problem.
It takes so much energy but to accept the issue,
to live without denial,
hardly.
I hope that one day, I feel good again,
I will not feel those people judging me,
I will be strong and be able to deal with things better.
Loving will be easier,
living will be easier.
The wall
I still sit here
and I wonder what's wrong with me?
Then I have a revelation,
and I realise.
But there is nothing wrong with me
it's what's wrong with you.
On the rebound
Out to suck the life out of someone good
Someone who is together
Someone who is happy.
That's what's wrong with you.
Indeed there is nothing wrong with me,
I was the perfect friend,
Perfect companion,
I made the mistake of letting you in.
Next time the wall stays up.
and I wonder what's wrong with me?
Then I have a revelation,
and I realise.
But there is nothing wrong with me
it's what's wrong with you.
On the rebound
Out to suck the life out of someone good
Someone who is together
Someone who is happy.
That's what's wrong with you.
Indeed there is nothing wrong with me,
I was the perfect friend,
Perfect companion,
I made the mistake of letting you in.
Next time the wall stays up.
Insomnia
Boredom creates insomnia,
Unable to sleep.
Unable to dream.
I wake up the next morning and I cannot think.
My mind wanders to what?
Nothing,
something,
restless.
I cannot fall asleep.
I lay here tossing and turning.
Exaggerating all the thoughts in my mind.
I swallow.
Blink.
Close my eyes but cannot sleep.
Cannot dream.
I sigh.
Unable to sleep.
Unable to dream.
I wake up the next morning and I cannot think.
My mind wanders to what?
Nothing,
something,
restless.
I cannot fall asleep.
I lay here tossing and turning.
Exaggerating all the thoughts in my mind.
I swallow.
Blink.
Close my eyes but cannot sleep.
Cannot dream.
I sigh.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
the past...present...future
I am sitting on a bus, heading to melbourne. It is around 1am and im finding it hard to sleep. So many things are floating around in my head. Questions like.. How do i keep motivated to keep studying? How do i keep myself motivated to run events? How do i sleep with this stench of tuna? Seriously... If anyone buses interstate, dont take tuna, noones gonna love you for that one! I think i have to keep the questions aside and just live. I keep questioning and beculause i dont have the answers, i sink deeper into questioning more and more. To be truthful, i dont think there are any answers. I think if we live with a love for the planet. Being thankful for the environment, mother earth, and everything we exist for, we will continue a positive consciousness. Bill hicks once spoke about the whole human race being of one consciousness. Bill was wise. He was cynical but very wise. I am getting more and more frustrated these days because i am seeing so many people around me letting themselves be dragged down by depression. I think depression is just that the world is slowly sinking before it will bloom again. 2012 is meant to bring an ultimate conscious shift. Every full moon is shifting the consciousness a little further each time. what im getting at is that we need to be positive and just be thankful we are alive. Recently when i was down, someone said to me, you were the fastest sperm! I think we are all here for a reason, even if its just to better someone else life, selfless, selfish, we are all here to teach each other lessons, consciously or unconsciously. We are dreaming, and it is the most beautiful dream. We breathe, drink, laugh, smile. Life is about enjoying this time with those you love, not regretting and looking into the future. Dont think of what you dont have, think of what you do have and be happy. The future is bright and anything can happen. You can create, everything is a choice. Live as one consciousness and love all.
Peacexx
Peacexx
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Melbourne...
So Kane and I are heading to Melbourne this weekend.
Thank god.
We need some time away.
From everyone around us.
We are slowly losing our patience for most involved and we need some time out.
Also to see some old/new faces!
Am very excited to see Frenzal Rhomb Fri night with Dylan and Kane!
They were the first band I ever saw when I was 15 with Jarrad, my friend who that year died in a car crash.
Can't effin wait!
I also get to see my cousin, a friend from Perth I haven't seen since 2007 and some other friends.
It will be good for Paul to get to learn the ropes of RvM too :)
I will be glad to get out of Adelaide so we can come back and be inspired.
Thank god.
We need some time away.
From everyone around us.
We are slowly losing our patience for most involved and we need some time out.
Also to see some old/new faces!
Am very excited to see Frenzal Rhomb Fri night with Dylan and Kane!
They were the first band I ever saw when I was 15 with Jarrad, my friend who that year died in a car crash.
Can't effin wait!
I also get to see my cousin, a friend from Perth I haven't seen since 2007 and some other friends.
It will be good for Paul to get to learn the ropes of RvM too :)
I will be glad to get out of Adelaide so we can come back and be inspired.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Fuck shit.
I feel so heavy. Like my heart and head are going to explode. I feel like the only person I can trust is myself. I feel like Kane is the only person I even want to be around, ever. Everyone else fails me, they all lie to me, they cheat on each other and fuck each other over.
Sometimes I wonder if these people had grown up in a different time and place, whether they'd feel a lot more thankful for what people do for them and appreciative of the people around them. All I seem to see is constant selfishness and disrespect.
In the past 2 years of living in Adelaide, I've grown to love to hate a lot of people.
Now all we want to do is fuck off. Three of my friends are dead. One, who I still get very upset at the thought we aren't going to grow old together. I sit with wine in my hand, a cigarette and think, why the hell isn't Beth here, enjoying this.
I can be thankful for the time we had as friends, but I am also still grieving on what could still be.
I find this something hard to just let go.
I am not slowly digging myself a hole. I am feeling very much like a yoyo of emotions at the moment. One moment I'm ready to do something useful, the next I feel defeated.
I feel stressed and unable to cope with anything that comes my way at one point and then the next I am ready to take on the world.
I believe some call this bipolar, I call it just living, because every single day I go through this feeling. Incrediblt lows and incredible highs. Fun.
Jokes can be made about bipolar, especially with this charlie sheen shit going around, but it is a serious problem amongst some people.
When i finish this degree, I will be so damn proud of myself, because getting myself to the end of it is the hardest ride I have ever endured. Amongst everything that has happened in the past year, shit landlords, moving house and my own mental and anxiety issues, I am at least working towards a goal.
It's hard to realise you don't want to exist.
So many thoughts come through my head. Like.. what would my funeral be like? What would my eulogy be like? Who knows.
Recently..
I am finding there are more fuckers out there than loving people, or maybe I am not surrounding myself with the right kind of people.
I hear a lot of talk about Kane, said of course behind his back, all bullsh it and there used to be a lot of talk about me.
I often wonder why this is. Is this because they truly feel they can't approach either of us, due to their own lack of communication. Probably. All we are trying to do is run awesome events for people to enjoy themselves at and you know what? We do a damn good job. We "work" volunteerly day after day, week after week, month after month organising these events. We love every second of it, until someone fucks us over and we wonder what's the fucking point?
I've had 3 friends die in 9 months. To me, that's hefty. It's a hefty weight to have on yourself, all of that grief. Granted one I did not know that well, but enough to be saddened and questioning wtf? Grief is a hard thing to deal with, and you will often think that grief has come and passed, and then it pops its fucking head up again and wants to know, SUP?
Another thing that is pissing me off lately is Adelaide's art and music scene.
It seems many people who are "in" on helping it out are actually people who are scared to get themselves out there and "communicate" or actually do something. If you don't want to actually be involved, DON'T VOLUNTEER. It's easier to say you can't or don't want to help than to fuck people over. I keep hearing of this happening. Seriously, if you respect the person/s, talk to them, they'll understand.
I can't fucking wait until we own somewhere so we can show how it's done.
Be nice Adelaide, or you're going to turn into a fucking retirement village, YOU IDIOTS!
Sometimes I wonder if these people had grown up in a different time and place, whether they'd feel a lot more thankful for what people do for them and appreciative of the people around them. All I seem to see is constant selfishness and disrespect.
In the past 2 years of living in Adelaide, I've grown to love to hate a lot of people.
Now all we want to do is fuck off. Three of my friends are dead. One, who I still get very upset at the thought we aren't going to grow old together. I sit with wine in my hand, a cigarette and think, why the hell isn't Beth here, enjoying this.
I can be thankful for the time we had as friends, but I am also still grieving on what could still be.
I find this something hard to just let go.
I am not slowly digging myself a hole. I am feeling very much like a yoyo of emotions at the moment. One moment I'm ready to do something useful, the next I feel defeated.
I feel stressed and unable to cope with anything that comes my way at one point and then the next I am ready to take on the world.
I believe some call this bipolar, I call it just living, because every single day I go through this feeling. Incrediblt lows and incredible highs. Fun.
Jokes can be made about bipolar, especially with this charlie sheen shit going around, but it is a serious problem amongst some people.
When i finish this degree, I will be so damn proud of myself, because getting myself to the end of it is the hardest ride I have ever endured. Amongst everything that has happened in the past year, shit landlords, moving house and my own mental and anxiety issues, I am at least working towards a goal.
It's hard to realise you don't want to exist.
So many thoughts come through my head. Like.. what would my funeral be like? What would my eulogy be like? Who knows.
Recently..
I am finding there are more fuckers out there than loving people, or maybe I am not surrounding myself with the right kind of people.
I hear a lot of talk about Kane, said of course behind his back, all bullsh it and there used to be a lot of talk about me.
I often wonder why this is. Is this because they truly feel they can't approach either of us, due to their own lack of communication. Probably. All we are trying to do is run awesome events for people to enjoy themselves at and you know what? We do a damn good job. We "work" volunteerly day after day, week after week, month after month organising these events. We love every second of it, until someone fucks us over and we wonder what's the fucking point?
I've had 3 friends die in 9 months. To me, that's hefty. It's a hefty weight to have on yourself, all of that grief. Granted one I did not know that well, but enough to be saddened and questioning wtf? Grief is a hard thing to deal with, and you will often think that grief has come and passed, and then it pops its fucking head up again and wants to know, SUP?
Another thing that is pissing me off lately is Adelaide's art and music scene.
It seems many people who are "in" on helping it out are actually people who are scared to get themselves out there and "communicate" or actually do something. If you don't want to actually be involved, DON'T VOLUNTEER. It's easier to say you can't or don't want to help than to fuck people over. I keep hearing of this happening. Seriously, if you respect the person/s, talk to them, they'll understand.
I can't fucking wait until we own somewhere so we can show how it's done.
Be nice Adelaide, or you're going to turn into a fucking retirement village, YOU IDIOTS!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
2012 and what can you do?
We are in the midst of the Great Shift in Consciousness… can you feel it? Many of you are experiencing a feeling of time speeding up, a questioning of who you are and what life is about, and the inability to function in your old ways of living.
Since 1987 and the Harmonic Convergence, great waves of divine energy ‘The Waves of Love’ have been transmitted to Earth preparing us for the Great Shift as we approach 2012.
The year 2012 marks the end of many great cycles of time in particular the end of the 26,000 year Cycle and the 225 million Galactic year Cycle. The Mayan, Incan, Aztec, Hopi & Vedic traditions all acknowledge that 2012 marks the end of major cycles, and the beginning of a major advance in consciousness. The ‘Great Shift’ is the term for our journey toward 2012, and our birth into an awakened state of consciousness.
By 2012 we have the potential to transcend our old ways of being and come to live together in joy, peace and harmony. This Great Shift in Consciousness is happening to each and everyone of us, to our planet Earth, our Galaxy and our entire Collective Consciousness.
The following discussion details the Cycles that come to an end in 2012, what is happening astronomically and finally what will happen to Earth and humanity as we approach 2012.
The 26,000 year Cycle
Our Sun & hence our entire Solar System are part of a greater rotational cosmic cycle. Our Sun rotates through space around a Central Sun Alcyone. Alcyone is the brightest star in the sky and is part of the Pleiades constellation. Our Sun is one of 8 stars rotating around Alcyone.
One complete rotation takes 26,000 Earth years to complete, spending around 2200 years in each of the twelve constellations of the zodiac.
In 2012, the Earth and our Solar system completes a 26,000 year cycle whilst we are in the Age of Aquarius (moving from the Age of Pisces). When we are in the Age of Aquarius it represents the return of the feminine, the Goddess/Priestess, and a return to BEing pure Love in the Golden Age.
The 225 million Galactic Year Cycle
The Pleiades has its own rotational spiral/spin within the Galaxy, as the Milky Way Galaxy itself spins on its axis, the Galactic Centre (which is the centre bulge in the middle of the Milky Way).
A full axis spin of The Milky Way takes 225 Million Earth years to complete. In 2012 our Central Sun Alcyone will have effectively completed a full 225 million year rotation of the Galactic Centre, birthing us into a higher consciousness and state of being.
The Photon Band
Running through the Galactic Centre of the Milky Way is a photon band of light. The band transverses all the way through the Milky Way and through our Central Sun Alycone and beyond.
The Photon Band is made up of photons which are the smallest possible particles that act as carriers of electromagnetic energy. A Photon has zero mass, no electrical charge and travels in a vacuum at the speed of light
As we move into 2012, our Sun and entire Solar System will be fully within the Photon Band, our Central Sun Alcyone (and one of its stars Maya) will be within the Band and of course the Galactic Centre of the Milky Way is within the Photon Band. Thus all suns are fully within the photon band by 2012.
The photon band is one of the integral elements awakening humanity and raising our vibrational frequencies. The band has been one of the core facilitators in directing Love Wave energies to Earth.
The Lead up to 2012
By 2012, when our Sun, our Central Sun Alcyone and the Galactic Centre are all aligned within the Photon belt, we have the opportunity of fulfilling The Great Shift. A shift into a more conscious way of being.
In assisting us with The Great Shift many stellar beings are assisting our transition such as the Pleiadians & Sirians all under the direction of the Galactic Federation.
The Great Shift is happening now! It started during 1987 (referred to as the Harmonic Convergence) which marked the 25 year time span to 2012. At this time, the Galactic Centre began transmitting a certain frequency of energy waves, called ‘Waves of Love’, to assist with our transition to 2012.
Thus it is time for humanity to align with these waves, and do the work NOW to ensure a peaceful and loving transition into 2012. The Great Shift is not an event that occurs in December 2012, it is our transition leading up to 2012 into a greater consciousness.
So what can I do NOW?
Keep your mind open.
Keep positive.
Stay open to new things.
Read.
Listen.
Smile.
Dream.
Create.
Love.
http://hubs.gaia.com/
Since 1987 and the Harmonic Convergence, great waves of divine energy ‘The Waves of Love’ have been transmitted to Earth preparing us for the Great Shift as we approach 2012.
The year 2012 marks the end of many great cycles of time in particular the end of the 26,000 year Cycle and the 225 million Galactic year Cycle. The Mayan, Incan, Aztec, Hopi & Vedic traditions all acknowledge that 2012 marks the end of major cycles, and the beginning of a major advance in consciousness. The ‘Great Shift’ is the term for our journey toward 2012, and our birth into an awakened state of consciousness.
By 2012 we have the potential to transcend our old ways of being and come to live together in joy, peace and harmony. This Great Shift in Consciousness is happening to each and everyone of us, to our planet Earth, our Galaxy and our entire Collective Consciousness.
The following discussion details the Cycles that come to an end in 2012, what is happening astronomically and finally what will happen to Earth and humanity as we approach 2012.
The 26,000 year Cycle
Our Sun & hence our entire Solar System are part of a greater rotational cosmic cycle. Our Sun rotates through space around a Central Sun Alcyone. Alcyone is the brightest star in the sky and is part of the Pleiades constellation. Our Sun is one of 8 stars rotating around Alcyone.
One complete rotation takes 26,000 Earth years to complete, spending around 2200 years in each of the twelve constellations of the zodiac.
In 2012, the Earth and our Solar system completes a 26,000 year cycle whilst we are in the Age of Aquarius (moving from the Age of Pisces). When we are in the Age of Aquarius it represents the return of the feminine, the Goddess/Priestess, and a return to BEing pure Love in the Golden Age.
The 225 million Galactic Year Cycle
The Pleiades has its own rotational spiral/spin within the Galaxy, as the Milky Way Galaxy itself spins on its axis, the Galactic Centre (which is the centre bulge in the middle of the Milky Way).
A full axis spin of The Milky Way takes 225 Million Earth years to complete. In 2012 our Central Sun Alcyone will have effectively completed a full 225 million year rotation of the Galactic Centre, birthing us into a higher consciousness and state of being.
The Photon Band
Running through the Galactic Centre of the Milky Way is a photon band of light. The band transverses all the way through the Milky Way and through our Central Sun Alycone and beyond.
The Photon Band is made up of photons which are the smallest possible particles that act as carriers of electromagnetic energy. A Photon has zero mass, no electrical charge and travels in a vacuum at the speed of light
As we move into 2012, our Sun and entire Solar System will be fully within the Photon Band, our Central Sun Alcyone (and one of its stars Maya) will be within the Band and of course the Galactic Centre of the Milky Way is within the Photon Band. Thus all suns are fully within the photon band by 2012.
The photon band is one of the integral elements awakening humanity and raising our vibrational frequencies. The band has been one of the core facilitators in directing Love Wave energies to Earth.
The Lead up to 2012
By 2012, when our Sun, our Central Sun Alcyone and the Galactic Centre are all aligned within the Photon belt, we have the opportunity of fulfilling The Great Shift. A shift into a more conscious way of being.
In assisting us with The Great Shift many stellar beings are assisting our transition such as the Pleiadians & Sirians all under the direction of the Galactic Federation.
The Great Shift is happening now! It started during 1987 (referred to as the Harmonic Convergence) which marked the 25 year time span to 2012. At this time, the Galactic Centre began transmitting a certain frequency of energy waves, called ‘Waves of Love’, to assist with our transition to 2012.
Thus it is time for humanity to align with these waves, and do the work NOW to ensure a peaceful and loving transition into 2012. The Great Shift is not an event that occurs in December 2012, it is our transition leading up to 2012 into a greater consciousness.
So what can I do NOW?
Keep your mind open.
Keep positive.
Stay open to new things.
Read.
Listen.
Smile.
Dream.
Create.
Love.
http://hubs.gaia.com/
Sunday, March 20, 2011
It has been a while, my dear blog.
Well I haven't blogged in a while.
I haven't had a computer.
My laptop died from some deadly virus's I most possibly downloaded with some movies.
I'm doing external uni and that started 4 weeks ago.
Only today have I got my butt in order to get some work done.
The past month we have been moving house and it has been hectic.
We have moved into a new residence, the same distance from our house but a little west. Near Henley Beach.
I love the new place, it's old, has high ceilings, a beautiful garden and the landlords are very easygoing.
We have a 3 month lease and to prove our worth as tenants and will hopefully be able to stay for longer.
Life has been proving itself to be hard lately.
But I know I'm just tuning once again.
Full moon, the change of consciousness towards 2012.
Visit http://parapachamama.blogspot.com/
Full Moon Resonance Message for March 2011
We are in the greatest shift of reality in our remembered histories. This is not something that is going to happen; we are in this birthing process now, feeling the contractions of birthing both in our internal and external realities (they are really one and the same). This Full Moon is a super moon with strong energies and will be very close to the earth. If you can possibly be around a power spot during this moon it would be a benefit. However, you can take advantage of the amazing energies wherever you are. Take time to do absolutely “nothing.” Sit in the stillness of all that is, allow the new unity wave of consciousness (Mayan terminology) to caress your being into a reality that is in higher alignment with your true nature, with your inherent joy finding the space to give bloom to its full potential. There will be more powerful energy, and many life changes, as the moon swings close to Earth and plays with the Sun who is shifting its own energy frequency (seen in science as increased solar activity and massive solar flares) to adjust to the new universal codes of light. If you would like to participate in a simple visualization/mediation technique and deeply tap into the new grid of consciousness please visit:
http://www.parapachamama.org/earthgrids.htm
During this coming Full Moon and Equinox we ask you to hold ceremony with Water, to hold ceremony with Earth. Water is our source of Life. We all know how profoundly water responds to intention.Water streams everywhere. Rivers and other waterways are the veins of our beautiful Planet, our Mother Earth.
On this day use your intention to honor the life-giving energies, the cleansing properties, the unconditional nurturing, and food providing abilities of our most sacred element of water. Visit the link below to learn more about a beautiful method for blessing the waters of the world.
http://www.facebook.com/event.php
Know that the planet is different; our reality has quite literally shifted and will continue to do so in the days to come. Symbolized by the nuclear reactor issue in Japan, and by the waves of seismic activity (and other activity such as volcanic and atmospheric) we are being challenged to manage and reclaim our own personal power, overcome our fears and courageously step into a new paradigm. There will always be loss connected with change; there must be death in order to birth to occur. This is how creativity in this realm functions. We are moving out of an incredibly dense reality (one of infinite parallel realities coexisting with the one we are currently in) into a reality of a much more elevated state of consciousness, a greater awareness of our intrinsic divinity and infinite nature. Always look to the opportunity rather than what is no longer available. Trust the larger picture and greater design of evolution and know that spirit/god/creator does not make mistakes. We are moving now into a time of greater love, joy, equanimity, compassion, wisdom and abundance. Hold this in your thoughts and actions as you allow the reality of your deepest and truest desires to manifest fully into being
I haven't had a computer.
My laptop died from some deadly virus's I most possibly downloaded with some movies.
I'm doing external uni and that started 4 weeks ago.
Only today have I got my butt in order to get some work done.
The past month we have been moving house and it has been hectic.
We have moved into a new residence, the same distance from our house but a little west. Near Henley Beach.
I love the new place, it's old, has high ceilings, a beautiful garden and the landlords are very easygoing.
We have a 3 month lease and to prove our worth as tenants and will hopefully be able to stay for longer.
Life has been proving itself to be hard lately.
But I know I'm just tuning once again.
Full moon, the change of consciousness towards 2012.
Visit http://parapachamama.blogspot.com/
Full Moon Resonance Message for March 2011
We are in the greatest shift of reality in our remembered histories. This is not something that is going to happen; we are in this birthing process now, feeling the contractions of birthing both in our internal and external realities (they are really one and the same). This Full Moon is a super moon with strong energies and will be very close to the earth. If you can possibly be around a power spot during this moon it would be a benefit. However, you can take advantage of the amazing energies wherever you are. Take time to do absolutely “nothing.” Sit in the stillness of all that is, allow the new unity wave of consciousness (Mayan terminology) to caress your being into a reality that is in higher alignment with your true nature, with your inherent joy finding the space to give bloom to its full potential. There will be more powerful energy, and many life changes, as the moon swings close to Earth and plays with the Sun who is shifting its own energy frequency (seen in science as increased solar activity and massive solar flares) to adjust to the new universal codes of light. If you would like to participate in a simple visualization/mediation technique and deeply tap into the new grid of consciousness please visit:
http://www.parapachamama.org/earthgrids.htm
During this coming Full Moon and Equinox we ask you to hold ceremony with Water, to hold ceremony with Earth. Water is our source of Life. We all know how profoundly water responds to intention.Water streams everywhere. Rivers and other waterways are the veins of our beautiful Planet, our Mother Earth.
On this day use your intention to honor the life-giving energies, the cleansing properties, the unconditional nurturing, and food providing abilities of our most sacred element of water. Visit the link below to learn more about a beautiful method for blessing the waters of the world.
http://www.facebook.com/event.php
Know that the planet is different; our reality has quite literally shifted and will continue to do so in the days to come. Symbolized by the nuclear reactor issue in Japan, and by the waves of seismic activity (and other activity such as volcanic and atmospheric) we are being challenged to manage and reclaim our own personal power, overcome our fears and courageously step into a new paradigm. There will always be loss connected with change; there must be death in order to birth to occur. This is how creativity in this realm functions. We are moving out of an incredibly dense reality (one of infinite parallel realities coexisting with the one we are currently in) into a reality of a much more elevated state of consciousness, a greater awareness of our intrinsic divinity and infinite nature. Always look to the opportunity rather than what is no longer available. Trust the larger picture and greater design of evolution and know that spirit/god/creator does not make mistakes. We are moving now into a time of greater love, joy, equanimity, compassion, wisdom and abundance. Hold this in your thoughts and actions as you allow the reality of your deepest and truest desires to manifest fully into being
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Society woes
I'm sick of this stupid society. This society that keeps everything silent. People die because you want everyone to shut their goddamn mouths about things that TORMENT THEM. Stupid society and it's bullshit agendas. Yeah you'll pump your SHITTY religion out to everyone, but keep mental illness quiet, shhh they are crazy, so NOONE wants to speak out about it.
I HAVE BEEN embarrassed about talking of how I feel and NO MORE. I am NOT attention seeking, and depression is often seen as this. I AM IN trouble with my thoughts. SCREW YOU SOCIETY FOR MAKING ME FEEL BAD FOR THIS. I HAVE NO REASON. THIS MEDICAL SYSTEM HAS FAILED ME. SINCE I WAS 15 I'VE FELT LIKE THIS. I feel like I'm at the end of the road and what can help me now? Of course I'd never do anything that would harm myself, but I am at a loss. A massive loss. ANYONE else that feels like this needs to talk about it. TALK. Don't keep it inside. THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT. People WILL help you, WILL talk to you and ARE MOST PROBABLY FEELING THE SAME!
I am sick of society and it's fucking control methods.
YOU CAN'T CONTROL US ANYMORE!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIljYErMte0&feature=player_profilepage
I HAVE BEEN embarrassed about talking of how I feel and NO MORE. I am NOT attention seeking, and depression is often seen as this. I AM IN trouble with my thoughts. SCREW YOU SOCIETY FOR MAKING ME FEEL BAD FOR THIS. I HAVE NO REASON. THIS MEDICAL SYSTEM HAS FAILED ME. SINCE I WAS 15 I'VE FELT LIKE THIS. I feel like I'm at the end of the road and what can help me now? Of course I'd never do anything that would harm myself, but I am at a loss. A massive loss. ANYONE else that feels like this needs to talk about it. TALK. Don't keep it inside. THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT. People WILL help you, WILL talk to you and ARE MOST PROBABLY FEELING THE SAME!
I am sick of society and it's fucking control methods.
YOU CAN'T CONTROL US ANYMORE!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIljYErMte0&feature=player_profilepage
For Kane.
Yesterday I kept nothing inside.
I sat on the gutter,
wondering whether to tell you,
my deepest darkest thoughts.
I did.
I told you.
You didn't even react.
Because you've had them too.
This is how I know,
you're perfect for me.
We think so similar,
it's perfect.
I wanted to make the pain go away,
I felt fuzzy and dizzy,
I felt blank and very sad,
you did too, you're my perfect.
Thankyou for hearing me,
Being there for me,
Knowing me, and how I felt,
Just being you, thankyou.
I sat on the gutter,
wondering whether to tell you,
my deepest darkest thoughts.
I did.
I told you.
You didn't even react.
Because you've had them too.
This is how I know,
you're perfect for me.
We think so similar,
it's perfect.
I wanted to make the pain go away,
I felt fuzzy and dizzy,
I felt blank and very sad,
you did too, you're my perfect.
Thankyou for hearing me,
Being there for me,
Knowing me, and how I felt,
Just being you, thankyou.
Up and down and around
Wow.
I'm so up and down.
Yesterday I was contemplating bad things.
Today I'm full of joy.
Up early, eating my yoghurt and muesli, having a darjeeling tea.
Sigh.
This is true mood swings.
I hope the happy lasts for longer than the sads.
Funeral is tomorrow.
RIP GEORG.
I'm so up and down.
Yesterday I was contemplating bad things.
Today I'm full of joy.
Up early, eating my yoghurt and muesli, having a darjeeling tea.
Sigh.
This is true mood swings.
I hope the happy lasts for longer than the sads.
Funeral is tomorrow.
RIP GEORG.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Existing, is it really that important? OF COURSE, but tell MY mind that!
To be perfectly honest, I'm afraid of myself.
I'm afraid of my thoughts.
I'm afraid that if I don't get them out, they will consume me.
I'm afraid that if I don't speak to the people I need to honestly, it will consume me.
I'm afraid that I will do something stupid, I'll regret.
I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up one day, and not have anything to live for.
I'm reaching out for help all the time.
It isn't taken seriously.
How serious does it need to be?
I'm not okay.
I cannot do this for myself anymore.
I need someone to carry me.
I am broken.
I have no reason.
Nothing has caused this.
Except the inability to deal with problems.
I don't know where this stems from.
I want to find out.
I have a thirst for this knowledge.
Yet the medical system has failed me.
They do not help.
They help, like, milk on a hot day.
I NEED help.
I feel like I'm going to wake up one day, feel nothing and lose it.
or lay in bed one night... and lose it.
I can feel the pressure in my head building up.
It is going to explode.
Splatter across the wall.
Then all my thoughts will be revealed.
I want to message my family and tell them I'm not okay.
I am NOT okay.
I am stressful, I am panicky, I can't deal with situations.
I have had 2 friends die in the past 4 months.
I CANNOT DEAL.
I don't want attention.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me.
I want help.
I want to be listened to.
I do NOT feel listened to.
Life does go on.
For me right now.
I'm finding it hard to exist.
and want to exist.
This is the hardest part.
I'm afraid of my thoughts.
I'm afraid that if I don't get them out, they will consume me.
I'm afraid that if I don't speak to the people I need to honestly, it will consume me.
I'm afraid that I will do something stupid, I'll regret.
I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up one day, and not have anything to live for.
I'm reaching out for help all the time.
It isn't taken seriously.
How serious does it need to be?
I'm not okay.
I cannot do this for myself anymore.
I need someone to carry me.
I am broken.
I have no reason.
Nothing has caused this.
Except the inability to deal with problems.
I don't know where this stems from.
I want to find out.
I have a thirst for this knowledge.
Yet the medical system has failed me.
They do not help.
They help, like, milk on a hot day.
I NEED help.
I feel like I'm going to wake up one day, feel nothing and lose it.
or lay in bed one night... and lose it.
I can feel the pressure in my head building up.
It is going to explode.
Splatter across the wall.
Then all my thoughts will be revealed.
I want to message my family and tell them I'm not okay.
I am NOT okay.
I am stressful, I am panicky, I can't deal with situations.
I have had 2 friends die in the past 4 months.
I CANNOT DEAL.
I don't want attention.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me.
I want help.
I want to be listened to.
I do NOT feel listened to.
Life does go on.
For me right now.
I'm finding it hard to exist.
and want to exist.
This is the hardest part.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Moving on
How do we move on from this?
I get a whole lot of conversation.
Most of it is blurred.
Some is constant reminder of what was.
That hurts.
But it's good to hear the good times as well.
How do we wake up happy?
Knowing we'll never see these people again?
Bright shining lights in our life?
Where do we go from here?
We go through the rollercoaster of emotions.
Up down, around and spinning, will this stop?
Constant turbulance.
Shutting down seems the only way to cope.
And why should we be better?
Who counts the days we grieve?
How do we pick ourselves back up?
Where's the textbook on that one?
Sometimes it isn't possible, to think happy.
Right now I can't even smile.
I feel sick, sad and exhausted.
The memories remain.
My imagination goes into overdrive.
The imagery is scary.
How do I process all of this?
When does it get better?
People tell me it does.
It hasn't yet.
Does time heal wounds?
For some it doesn't.
In this moment in time.
All I can do is melt.
Push my head into a bucket of sand.
Crawl up and sleep.
I don't want to see the world.
I know everything is beautiful.
I know I am loved.
I know I love so many out there.
But I am still sad, and I still miss them.
No comfort or words can make this better.
The words seem to dissapear like sand in an hourglass.
What is time?
Why does it seem to go slower?
I am lost.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I am unsure of where to travel now.
How do I even wake up tomorrow and want to exist?
The black hole becomes increasingly familiar.
I do not want this, but I cannot help it.
I know this may dissapoint you.
I should love myself.
I should be proud of myself.
That isn't making anything better.
No self talk can help me right now.
The words don't want to come.
The tears and misery takes over.
Speechless.
How do I go on?
Things to do, people to see.
Food to cook, house to clean.
Work to perform, friends to support.
Everything is too hard right now.
I need a break.
How do I live after knowledge of such suffering?
How do I do a U-turn and get back on track?
I know I've done it before and it can happen.
But I want answers.
I want to know why, where, how, when?
That's the control freak in me.
Ego mania.
Depression drives it.
Painbody drives it.
It feels like I'm back in my safe coccoon.
Hermit land.
I do not want to see people.
I don't want them to see my hurt.
Their judging eyes and fakes smiles.
Why would anyone want to live here?
Of course that's ridiculous.
Life is beautiful.
There are many things I think are worth it.
Family, friends, my cats.
But how do I get back from this constant dread?
It won't happen overnight.
The facade remains.
Instilled externally.
Internally I'm emotionally torn.
I want the world to leave me alone.
In my own pity.
My own sadness.
My own depressed state.
Even though it isn't healthy.
I want to dissapear.
I get a whole lot of conversation.
Most of it is blurred.
Some is constant reminder of what was.
That hurts.
But it's good to hear the good times as well.
How do we wake up happy?
Knowing we'll never see these people again?
Bright shining lights in our life?
Where do we go from here?
We go through the rollercoaster of emotions.
Up down, around and spinning, will this stop?
Constant turbulance.
Shutting down seems the only way to cope.
And why should we be better?
Who counts the days we grieve?
How do we pick ourselves back up?
Where's the textbook on that one?
Sometimes it isn't possible, to think happy.
Right now I can't even smile.
I feel sick, sad and exhausted.
The memories remain.
My imagination goes into overdrive.
The imagery is scary.
How do I process all of this?
When does it get better?
People tell me it does.
It hasn't yet.
Does time heal wounds?
For some it doesn't.
In this moment in time.
All I can do is melt.
Push my head into a bucket of sand.
Crawl up and sleep.
I don't want to see the world.
I know everything is beautiful.
I know I am loved.
I know I love so many out there.
But I am still sad, and I still miss them.
No comfort or words can make this better.
The words seem to dissapear like sand in an hourglass.
What is time?
Why does it seem to go slower?
I am lost.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I am unsure of where to travel now.
How do I even wake up tomorrow and want to exist?
The black hole becomes increasingly familiar.
I do not want this, but I cannot help it.
I know this may dissapoint you.
I should love myself.
I should be proud of myself.
That isn't making anything better.
No self talk can help me right now.
The words don't want to come.
The tears and misery takes over.
Speechless.
How do I go on?
Things to do, people to see.
Food to cook, house to clean.
Work to perform, friends to support.
Everything is too hard right now.
I need a break.
How do I live after knowledge of such suffering?
How do I do a U-turn and get back on track?
I know I've done it before and it can happen.
But I want answers.
I want to know why, where, how, when?
That's the control freak in me.
Ego mania.
Depression drives it.
Painbody drives it.
It feels like I'm back in my safe coccoon.
Hermit land.
I do not want to see people.
I don't want them to see my hurt.
Their judging eyes and fakes smiles.
Why would anyone want to live here?
Of course that's ridiculous.
Life is beautiful.
There are many things I think are worth it.
Family, friends, my cats.
But how do I get back from this constant dread?
It won't happen overnight.
The facade remains.
Instilled externally.
Internally I'm emotionally torn.
I want the world to leave me alone.
In my own pity.
My own sadness.
My own depressed state.
Even though it isn't healthy.
I want to dissapear.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Feeling down?
We are living in a day and age where anti-depressents are something that are given out on a whim.
Me: "Hi Doc, I'm feeling pretty down."
Doc: "Okay fill out this depression sheet"
Me: "Done, what's the verdict?"
Doc: "Yep! Depressed! Here take these tablets half a tablet for a week then go upto full."
I am then sent off into the abyss of depression land.
No real understanding as to what to expect whilst on the pills.
No explanation as to some of the side effects.
Nothing that explains that the pills won't make everything better but are just a breathing space to get your mind back in order.
So how do we find this information out?
Unfortunately so many of these tablets are trial and error.
This is not good enough.
There's only one answer!
If you're feeling down, depressed, find a person who will fill you with good energy.
Talk yourself up to yourself, give yourself compliments and positive feedback.
Push the negativity out.
Go outside and go for a walk around nature, there is too much beauty in the external world!
Think of something that makes you feel good and keep it locked in your happy place.
Deep breathe.
Choose the first colour that comes to your mind.
Imagine that colour is good energy.
Feel the good energy and colour come into your body with every deep breath.
Everything is vibrating around you.
The earth is vibrating around you and spend time now, only concentrating on the vibrations of your body.
Now take a deep breath and imagine your body vibrating and the good energy surrounding your body.
Take another deep breath and feel it coming into your toes. Breathe out.
Take another deep breath and feel it come up your shins, into your thighs. Breathe Out.
Take another breath and feel the energy come up to your waist and hips. Breathe out.
Take another breath and feel the energy come up to your stomach. Breathe Out.
Take another breath and feel the energy come up to your chest. Breathe out.
Take another breath and feel the energy come up to your chin. Breathe out.
Imagine the energy encompassing your whole body and imagine your whole body is glowing with your chosen colour.
Your body is glowing and vibrating with the earth.
It's time to reconnect with the earth.
Reconnect with the land.
Reconnect with the sky.
Reconnect with the animals.
Reconnect with the sun, rain and wind.
Reconnect with all of mother nature.
Reconnect with yourself.
Reconnect with your emotions.
Reconnect with your heart.
Reconnect with your body.
Reconnect with your ego. Push all negativity aside.
The only thing that matters is you.
You are worthy.
You are emotionally stable.
You are physically stable.
You are happy and life is happiness.
Be happy you are alive.
Read this mantra and if you need download some deva premal.
START MEDITATING!
START RECONNECTING!
START THE PROCESS NOW!
Peace out.
Push the bad energy out
Me: "Hi Doc, I'm feeling pretty down."
Doc: "Okay fill out this depression sheet"
Me: "Done, what's the verdict?"
Doc: "Yep! Depressed! Here take these tablets half a tablet for a week then go upto full."
I am then sent off into the abyss of depression land.
No real understanding as to what to expect whilst on the pills.
No explanation as to some of the side effects.
Nothing that explains that the pills won't make everything better but are just a breathing space to get your mind back in order.
So how do we find this information out?
Unfortunately so many of these tablets are trial and error.
This is not good enough.
There's only one answer!
If you're feeling down, depressed, find a person who will fill you with good energy.
Talk yourself up to yourself, give yourself compliments and positive feedback.
Push the negativity out.
Go outside and go for a walk around nature, there is too much beauty in the external world!
Think of something that makes you feel good and keep it locked in your happy place.
Deep breathe.
Choose the first colour that comes to your mind.
Imagine that colour is good energy.
Feel the good energy and colour come into your body with every deep breath.
Everything is vibrating around you.
The earth is vibrating around you and spend time now, only concentrating on the vibrations of your body.
Now take a deep breath and imagine your body vibrating and the good energy surrounding your body.
Take another deep breath and feel it coming into your toes. Breathe out.
Take another deep breath and feel it come up your shins, into your thighs. Breathe Out.
Take another breath and feel the energy come up to your waist and hips. Breathe out.
Take another breath and feel the energy come up to your stomach. Breathe Out.
Take another breath and feel the energy come up to your chest. Breathe out.
Take another breath and feel the energy come up to your chin. Breathe out.
Imagine the energy encompassing your whole body and imagine your whole body is glowing with your chosen colour.
Your body is glowing and vibrating with the earth.
It's time to reconnect with the earth.
Reconnect with the land.
Reconnect with the sky.
Reconnect with the animals.
Reconnect with the sun, rain and wind.
Reconnect with all of mother nature.
Reconnect with yourself.
Reconnect with your emotions.
Reconnect with your heart.
Reconnect with your body.
Reconnect with your ego. Push all negativity aside.
The only thing that matters is you.
You are worthy.
You are emotionally stable.
You are physically stable.
You are happy and life is happiness.
Be happy you are alive.
Read this mantra and if you need download some deva premal.
START MEDITATING!
START RECONNECTING!
START THE PROCESS NOW!
Peace out.
Push the bad energy out
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