End of 2012 rant

The end of the year is always a reflection for me of where I've been and how much I've changed. Well we've changed (Quiet Kane and I). From our lives 4 years ago before we had met, we were both in dire circumstances. Slowly we have built for ourselves a happy existence and somewhere we are excited to continue a bright future. I always get sad around this time too because due to the still raw tragic loss of Bethany and Georg in 2010 and 2011....and it never leaves us. I always especially miss Bethany at Christmas/NY/Australia Day because I know she'd be hanging out for crazy hangs, alas she is not here. But after such traumatic circumstances we have learnt how to create our own selves and our own lives, so we are able to move on and be happy for the lives we have ahead of us. It took a while, but we are finally building our future. So now we move on with our lives again and what better way then to reflect and see how we have grown from those si tuations and are able to realise our own potentials. It has been the hardest 8 months of our lives. After being together for 3 and a half years, choosing for Kane to move interstate was something I could not hold him back from, and of course I had to finish my year of uni in SA but it has been one of the most emotional and mentally draining experiences. HOWEVER we are NOW on the homestretch!!! Finding a house to live in together finally so we can celebrate our 2012 Christmas and 4 years together and finally settle down in Melbourne. I have a hopeful transfer to Victoria University and I will hope to find some work once we are settled in. After the roller coaster we have been living since we met it is honestly amazing we were able to keep it all together, but we have and I am very proud of us for that! Being back in Melbourne after 4-5 weeks of not being to see him has made me just be so damn thankful for the person I get to spend the rest of my life with. After everything we've both been through in our lives, we are determined and motivated to continually create and challenge each other, without that we will stay stagnant and no change will occur. Life can be tough but if we stick at it with positive values and thoughts, we really can mould our own future ♥ A huge thankyou to anyone who has been there to send me love during this time, comfort me, let me vent to them, your listening ears have been a value to my staying sane. Anyone who has done the same for Kane I know he is thankful for it too, he is also thankful for those who looked after me, because there's no denying it, I was lost without him. But individually we have grounded ourselves and we look forward to coming together again and basically starting our life in Melbourne :) Bring on 2013 :)

and life throws us a curveball!

So I am pregnant. This is one of the most exciting times of our life, but we are currently having to deal with stress that is causing a bit of a problem for me. I already don't handle stress well, never have, so I am currently staying at my parents house. It's all just too much, my hormones are out of control and I am having to really chill out! I am 7 weeks pregnant and this is going to be the best rollercoaster ever! Kane is very excited and we are excited to be able to get a new house in Melbourne so we can start this new adventure. I am still stuck in Adelaide trying to sort out my house and lease. I am living with people who are completely irrational and even though they have had 4 months to apply for the lease and get their names on it, they left it til last week after telling me every week they were going to do it, i had to print out the application for them to even fill in, the whole time has been very trying and without Kane it has been very hard and I am not in the mood to deal with any of it anymore. They are just avoiding it, but in the process fucking me over as well. Telling me they know they are stressing me out with it but not actually doing anything about that. I honestly look forward to get out of this city. All i see it doing it breeding lazy ignorant people. too selfish to see whats in front of them. I'm too good a friend to be treated like this. At first I BLAMED myself because they played victim and made me feel like i'd done something wrong, but that's just impossible. I've done everything I can to try get them there, they would tell me every week they were going, so they basically lied to me every week. For people who are so interested on telling others to live, they really need to look at themselves deeply and start to become aware of their own problems. It's so painful to be around. The energy is so dark and horrible. I want out. I am trying to put that out into the universe as much as I can, but man it's hard atm where I CAN'T see a path without it costing me lots of money to break the lease. I am anxious = nausea and pregnant = nausea so double nausea :( wish me luck. Dec 15 I move to melbourne :D

Pregnancy is tiring :)

I am finding it hard. I am tired all the time. I have never ever been one to have naps, but the past week I nap every afternoon, not a bad thing considering what's going on with my body, but I just can't handle stress at the moment and it does cause me to feel quite depressed. I am trying so hard to be positive but it is really hard. I find myself listening to sad music and not knowing how to feel. I don't feel real. It's actually really interesting this whole feeling because I feel really out of it at the moment energy wise, and I'd love to wind down, but really my wind down these days has to be some chocolate and a cuddle. But I also know that it is just apart of cutting certain things out of my life. I am just tired. I am tired of being used. I am tired of being lied to. I am tired of feeling like no matter what I do or act I am still walked over. I try so hard to please people, to give, to be happy and all I get back is selfish behaviour and acts. I am tired of this. I TRY SO HARD TO PUT POSITIVITY OUT THERE. Its so hard because it could be that i am manifesting adelaide to be like that so when i go back i just get treated like this, and because I can't wait to move to melbourne i am creating it, or is it just going to happen there anyway? because sometimes it feels like that. Kane is doing so well in Melbourne, even when he's down...he;s just around the right people I guess. I am jealous. I WANT TO MOVE OVER NOW! but i have to spend the next month trying to organise other peoples lives because they can't do it themselves. i have no pity for them, they've done it to themselves.

Past, present, future

Having spent a majority of my life on some kind of mind altering drugs to try and make life better may it be illegal or legal, am finally at a point of complete sober life and I realise that the ONLY proper way to get myself back to where I need to be is with peer support, natural therapies, a proper diet, cutting out alcohol and any other substances that just cause emotional dependency. There are reasons for me being depressed, anxious. They are issues that have been packed on top of one another from birth, or even conception. The other part though is the dependency of alcohol and cigarettes, which soon became a coping tool, but for me these are not a coping tool at all. I spent a lot of my life from the age of 15, grieving for people who had died in my life. I could not understand why they had died and left me here, where they had gone when they had died and why it hurt so much. I had little support because my mother was not only going through pre menopause and menopause she was grieving her dad at the same time I was grieving my grandfather and my friend. I was at the point where I had no-one to turn to because every single person I had trusted in my life had shat on me. Where was I meant to turn? I still had family, but could or would they listen? I had friends who had gone through similar, but did I want to bother them with my problems? I ended up just shoving it deep down and when it came to 25 and I was trying to work out what was wrong with me and why I was so absolutely depressed and dissociating after a friends death, I realised why. I was using alcohol and cigarettes and occasionally drugs to suffice my grief, however this not only caused more issues, it created a subverse universe for me to live in so I did not have to deal with the present issue. This is completely unhealthy and it is not the universe of the present, which is where we create our own world and make choices for us, today. One of the biggest issues that I deem humans as a whole have is that we pay so much attention on the PAST, that we forget where we are, we forget what we are doing today, how we are living and the people around us, so we start to live a selfish world and live on a thin base of who we are. Anyone who may try to get into our barrier of PAST is going to have a hard time, there is no easy way to get in there, except SELF DISCOVERY. This is where we transform ourselves wholesomely, ACCEPTING our flaws, faults, our past, our mistakes and we admit and become aware of them so that we are not beating ourselves up about them, but purely knowing they exist and moving on. IF this is made possible, the present will present itself and you will feel HERE IN THE NOW. The future is another disastrous place to live, if you are trying to be present, thinking constantly about the future, worrying about the future, without considering the NOW will not work. You need to live in where we are now, accepting that the future may change, it may not stay exactly how you think it will and you could be pleasantly surprised if you learn how to create, choose and path your own future without worry. I do have an issue with medication because after using medication - anti depressants and valium for most of my teenage/20s I realised that it was the worst idea in the world. After a friend committed suicide I found it hard to wake up the grief was so hard to deal with, I was suspecting that I may have bipolar and decided to self diagnose myself. I was at the point where I did not want to be like my friend and wanted to get help. I made the effort to see a counsellor, who was great but she wanted to change up my diet, exercise regime and sleeping pattern before I had even dealt with any issues, this scared me and I did not go back. I fear this happens to a lot of people. I knew I still needed help, as I was going over and over in my head the same issues, failing uni subjects, missing my friend, drinking to cover the grief and problems and my Mum suggested I see her natural therapist. From one session - ended up in six sessions and I left with not only life changes, lifestyle changes, better choices, but I left with BUILDING BLOCKS to help myself when I started to backpedal, because something that counsellors forget to tell us is that we WILL relapse, depression, anxiety, alcohol dependency, drug dependency, whatever your dependency is to cover the issues, you WILL relapse, but it's about being aware of what was happening and how to take that big step over it and keep moving forward. So I started to see my natural therapist once a fortnight. I started to deal with some issues, some as small as being the ear for my parents bickering and being in the middle as I am a naturally empathetic person who just wants everyone to be happy, so I ended up being the KID who heard both sides. It was as simple as having to tell either parent that I was not willing to listen to them and they needed to bitch to each other and NOT TO ME. I started to realise why I had emotional attachments to certain moments in my life. Like when my Grandpa died, and I did not get to say goodbye, it shocked me because I had a special connection with my grandpa, but I had to conquer my fear of 'death' and the fear that surrounded that, because with fear came the emotional dependency on alcohol. I started to understand that for me to be able to get better I had to start a process that would then take months and months to get to a point, where I KNEW I could path my life without worry and concern and live in the present. It was a rocky path though. My boyfriend at the time and I were living in a sharehouse, I was trying to study but failing my subjects, after starting to deal with past issues, I was able to open up to my boyfriend about the experiences I had at the therapist and he chose to go too because at this time we were both experiencing spiritual openings and had no idea how to deal with it. We started on a journey together, where I started eating better on a diet that my therapist had given me and lost 15 kgs, not with setbacks though, I spent every week still hating exercise and getting back into the old food i used to eat, it was hard to keep that going. However this led to me being aware and setting myself back on track because i had stopped hating myself and started understanding it was OK to stuff up as long as I realise it and get back into it. Not only was I DETOXING from food, I was detoxing from everything I was dependent on, food, alcohol, cigarettes and BAD CHOICES. I started to learn that I can create what I want in this universe and even 2 years since my friend killed herself, 18 months since I first started seeing my therapist, my boyfriend, who found it hard to even get up in the morning, moved to Melbourne, works in a theatre there now, I stayed in Adelaide and learnt many many lessons still and am moving to Melbourne soon. We became engaged after he was moving, which was also a huge deal because that's not something taken lightly in his eyes. Our life has completely changed in such a positive sense. Even if we have a rocky day, week, month, we KNOW now that this is not how we want to feel, do, act and become aware and make changes, whether it be changes in the home, our diet, what we are drinking, how we are sleeping and make the choice to become present. Making changes in our life, so that we weren't living other people's lives or their idea of our life, was our first move. YOU need to deal with that grief to move on, it could be loss of job, loss of a relationship, loss of life, loss of a pet, loss of a friend/s that could cause the issue, but if they are causing you THIS MUCH PAIN, is it worth living in the past for them? Yes it is hard to move on, but with baby staps, AND NATURAL THERAPY (energy healing, reiki, a GOOD counsellor, crystal healing, grief counsellor) anyone who is happy to help you deal with what is plaguing you instead of dosing you up is where it's at in my opinion.

re-Connection

So after feeling quite disconnected for quite some time, especially through September which was a huge lesson of self worth with a few interesting and challenging energy shifts, I went to the mind, body and soul festival with my mum. Not knowing at all what I would get out of it, I ended up experiencing things I would keep close and that would help me connect again in October. First I experienced some intuitive moments and bought a large amethyst and a beautiful clear quartz, as I knew they would be keys in cleansing and healing in October. I had a reading and drawing done and it was an indian man (my guide) and a wolf. The spirit wolf represents my teachings and wisdom that I will provide throughout my life, my experiences and knowledge to help others through their current experiences. This is something I have noticed and known I was doing, but it is always great to get a know of my purpose. I had a few shifts of energy where I was downloading a lot of knowledge of what I would do to help others and was not sure how. I had also been experiencing issues that I was treating with negativity and a real 'doom' and by doing this I was manifesting this into the situation. Now being able to use the amethyst and clear quartz to clear my negative energies at night I sleep well, wake up well and am manifesting a happier energy. I am working much more on following my intuition day to day and am finding it extremely rewarding. I found that my meditation has taken a positive shine to it because I am manifesting clarity, love, harmony. In my meditation last night I was open to the whole idea that we live in an illusion. It was confronting at first and I wasn't sure if I wanted to meditate more. I could see the energy moving around me and I felt like the walls were almost flickering, like they weren't real. I then realised, that so what? It is not what we 'see' to feel we need to exist, it is merely what we create in our existence. That helped the confronting panic that was soon lost. This has been a hard journey and October hits a 2 year mark for me and is interesting, because 7 October was the day I lost a close friend to suicide. I am not sad and do not grieve for Beth, I have spoken to her spirit and I know she had to go and she in a happier place now. What is interesting to me is the changes I have personally made from when I found out, to now. The journey I have been on has been challenging and confronting, however always learning and connecting spiritually. I also bought a Himalayan salt lamp which no doubt has helped refresh my energies. Clarity is definitely a manifestation I am working well with right now. It taught me how important it is, that we really do manifest what we create and how that can really send us down a different path if we let it.

2010 - 2012

Its amazing how my anxiety was at its best when I was a drunk. I miss how it took away my fears and manic urges. I took myself off my medication, it does nothing. I feel more anxious than ever. It’s funny though. i get angry at my boyfriend for not being able to hide his anxiety better, how rude of me. It’s just I have spent my lifetime hiding what happens in my mind and why should he be able to let it out? That’s not fair! I still get compulsive urges. To tidy something up, or move something because it doesn’t seem right. I find it hard at my boyfriends house because everything is so messy. I can handle my bedroom, because it’s my disorganised chaos. I can also handle my boyfriends bedroom, however the rest of the house, I feel like I have to constantly clean and scrub. I have always had this weird compulsive urge to write out a word or number or a multiple of numbers. It sounds weird, I’d hear a word and I had to write it out in my head or on a surface or i’d freak out and couldn’t handle it. I also do that with numbers, sometimes I’ll think of a number, or I’d hear a number and I’d have to write it out in my head, or on a surface. I told my boyfriend about this so now he thinks its funny when I do it, which is fine because he accepts that. I read a book tonight, about a boy who started having tourette urges and OCD. After a billion (no exaggeration) medicines, he was rehab’d back from his OCD and his tourettes got better and he could exist naturally once again. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I have a mental case of OCD. My fears can become very exaggerated and I will think of some of the most extreme things happening and then obsess on them, and this guy in the book had the same thing. I also obsess on dying and will wake up in the middle of the night from a panic attack in my sleep. I have panic attacks just as I’m going to sleep. At the moment a meditation cd is helping me relax before I sleep as I was told by my psych in Perth that the panic attacks in my sleep are flight/fight. I am glad I am off the meds. I feel no different being off them, which is weird. I should be freaking out and being mega depressed, but I’m not. I still can’t handle stress and this is the main factor for my depression and anxiety. Also when I get stressed the first thing I want to do is get drunk or smoke to get rid of the odd feelings. It’s funny, my boyfriend thinks I’m so together, and I have to remind him, it’s because it’s all in my head, and I let noone know, NOONE. Just another reminder that natural remedies are better than meds. I still meditate every single night and it has changed my whole world. I am no longer anxious and only get anxious when I drink which is not often. People can change, habits can change, its all about whether you want to be healthy of mind, body and soul, or just be destructive forever,

You are NEVER alone.

I remember standing drunk in a freezing cold shower, to try and make my body feel something, instead of being so numb like it had been lately, I was fuelled with thoughts of suicide. I hated myself and why should I bother to keep sustaining life when I was such a failure and would never amount to anything. This is something I have constantly felt throughout my life. I couldn't remember ever feeling good enough to actually do anything meaningful with my life. When these kind of thoughts are flooding your mind, it is hard to see any clarity and meaning in life. There was a constant emotional rollercoaster and I never knew how I would feel when I woke up in the morning. Whether I’d roll over and go back to sleep and not want to wake up until well into the afternoon, to hide from life and it’s consequences, or whether I’d jump out of bed full of happiness and positive outlook for the day ahead. Who knew. But I eventually spoke out about it, because this was no way to live, in constant fear of everything around me, inside and out. I got off any medication I ever thought would fix the issue because they just made me more unbalanced and I started talking, I started dealing with the issues that existed and I started to be honest with myself and everyone around me. It has been a long process, but a personal journey I am now more than proud of. I am (a) change that is in this world. Point is, you aren't alone, there are so many people fighting these internal battles, but you can get help before it gets to the point you don't want to exist. It is serious for me, as in a week I will be grieving yet again the loss of a close friend. Lifes too short for this kind of sadness. You are sad because you are fearful, the fears only exist because you allow them to take over. Everyone has the ability to defy these internal demons.

tranquility

Grandma Beth

Oh Grandma, You sweet little lady I am so blessed from being in your life. Radiating love, Giving your all, Anytime, anywhere, anyhow. I never felt alone around you, Always made me feel loved, And you always will. You gave your heart, You gave your strength, You gave it all unconditionally, to all, What a beautiful soul. An angel on earth is what you were, And now you have left us, But we’ll never forget, The hugs, the laughs, the kisses, The chats, the cups of tea and mostly the biscuits. What a joy you have always been, We really are going to miss you, It is hard to imagine you leaving physically, But I know, in my heart, spiritually, you will never leave.

For the dark in all of us.

August 4, 2012 at 11:35am · Every scar tells a story One for each life you wanted to cut short That dark, turbulent insular prison Never ending torturous dungeon Twisting, spiraling, stomach churning The same question every time... What's the point? Whats the point of existing, if all that exists is hurt and pain Why keep feeling this way if it never ends? When you wake up everyday, still falling down that rabbit hole, How do you stay afloat? When all you want is concrete blocks and a deep ocean to throw yourself in. To hide down a well so no one can ever find you. Hide your footsteps in the mud, in hope never to be seen again. How does life become important again when your heart is so heavy. 1000 knives stabbing it from all directions. Emotional shadows causing constant inner turbulence. Paranoid, never trusting, always aware of anxieties. The scars mark every want of washing away the pain. Is it possible? Can you ever be different than how you feel right now? Will you ever feel like s contributing member of society, or forever a prisoner in the four walls, forever fearful of the outside world and its judgements... Questions...no answers....but we survive another day, because something in us.....we know we are here for a reason....and so we keep trekking up the steepest mountain.....called lif

Reflection - future - happiness - family

I love being around my mum. She reminds me of the person I am. Honest, passionate, giving, to an extent where we are often walked over, but we still forgive and do not hold dislike because we see within people and the battles they face, that others can't see and we know they do not mean disrespect as frustrating as it can be. I love the different relationships I have with each family member. My dad is the knowledgeable one, who I can tease and who teases back. has the worst dryest sense of humour ever, but in the best way, and who gives the warmest hugs. My older brother, who I almost feel like a twin with sometimes, we are very similar in music taste and other tastes, we have lived together before and have had the best times together. My little brother who I also am very close to, he doesn't open up to many people, but I can always get it out of him, because he trusts me, as siblings should. We all have our negative and positive quirks, and I'm the girl so I always get teased more than ever when they are together, but at least now I just tell them what I think! My mum is basically me but as an older woman and learning different life lessons. She is an amazing passionate woman who I look up to more than ever, I am so proud of who she is and where she has come from in life. I've never met anyone more dedicated to others for her whole life over herself. She is someone who should win an award for being so giving and caring! Our caring hearts get us into trouble sometimes because we care too much, but this will never stop us opening our hearts, just being more intuitive with who we trust. I was born with the blood of this amazing woman and a crime scene investigator, Kane already knows what this means as he has already seen my 'investigative' ways and I fight until I get the truth, because I follow intuition. They brought me up to be a strong, independent, loving, compassionate, thankful, appreciative woman and I will do amazing things and I know that my move to Melbourne is just the beginning, but I am finally ready to allow myself to succeed. I have spent much of my life protecting myself, because I have been hurt so many times by those I trusted. My move will be the end of this protection and the start of allowing my intuition to grow and my sense of self take over. Protection is no longer needed as I am to love myself and make decisions best for me in life. I have never felt like I grew up and was capable of these decisions, but I now feel like I am directing my life instead of following someone else's idea of my life. I am so glad to have been born into such a beautiful family. A family I never have to pretend to be anyone but myself around. A family who I can have really interesting and intrusive but humorous conversations/debates with. A family I can laugh and laugh AND LAUGH AND LAUGH WITH, until my mum wets herself, every single time. A family, where no matter what we are there for each other. I am told often that this is rare and I should appreciate it, trust me I do. There's no-one I love more than these beautiful people and I am so blessed to have gone on this amazing journey with them and evolved the way we have. I am so proud of them as well for the individual journeys they have been on. My mum may have lost her mum but now she gets to create a similar family "pride" my grandparents created within us ♥

September 2012 is for radical change

and I am at a point of my life yet again where I find myself with little 'friends' around who think about someone else other than themselves. I realised that I find it so hard to let go of things like this and people like this because I, as a cancer star sign love family and friends so much I'd do anything for them, but when they don't act the same way back I am bitterly disappointed. This past month has been massive for reflection for me and I really realised that I have often been a stepping stone for others to get to a point in their life. That's okay, but there is a time where I have to evolve and understand that I am no longer a stepping stone for negative people to get to, but positive people to get to. I can't even dislike the people who have recently let me down, because I see them unable to ascend and I see them becoming more and more confused with their life around them and their ego takes over, creating issues for them every step of the way. I understand now that they don't even know what they are doing, they are creating labels for themselves, thanks society! so they have a reason to sit around and do nothing, but these are not the kind of people I want around me anymore, I want to get out there and get everything out vocally and through community thought and development, not from facebook and other mediums. I have always had an issue with facebook, mostly because so many people use it as a forum to discuss their whole private life (with 445 friends) and wonder why they have all of these opinions flooding at them. Last night I witnessed this. It's a catch 22, the person who was doing the opinion should cut the egotistic and condescending shit, but then the person who was taking it so hard should look at things more lightly, HOWEVER, people have this forum where they CAN say what they want with no repercussions....this is not a good thing, and this past month, September has been valuable for me to move on and understand I want more than this in my life. So last night I deactivated my facebook after a realisation that I don't want to be this person who revolves my life around others's lives and there's more out there than just that. I've had a lot of people who have treated me really badly in the past, and I've let them. I'm over that cycle and it has to stop. It's time for it to stop. It's not okay anymore. It's not even around the fact I let it happen, it's about not reacting, not being angry at the people and thinking they understand what they're doing, because to be honest, they are sleepwalking. They are sleepwalking through life, sitting around on facebook sharing political views, sharing things that make them feel better about themselves, because THAT is what we have come to. No longer is communication valid, UNLESS it's on a facebook medium, THEN IT"S REAL> I want out of that mindset and away from people who think like that. I want to get away from the technology/media world that forces us to stop thinking for ourselves. Another thing I want to change is the people around me, because I am finding it hard that I want to express my spiritual experiences, but who with? The majority of people I know are closed off or afraid of any development spiritually, and would rather stay in a fearful world. Why? It's easy I guess, well fuck that! I have communication with spirits often, I connect with my higher power often, I connect with my future through visions and astral projection and I have spirits communicate with me for others and I can feel their presence, hear what they want to say, I can vision what they look like, I can hear thoughts and feel energies and KNOW what others are feeling often. This is how you read thoughts, thoughts are just energy, easily felt and interpreted, through colour, feeling, emotion, it is more descriptive than your exterior shell. I am not batshit crazy, I am real. I have allowed this into my life, because I was once fearful of dying, now I'm no longer afraid, and when death occurs, I no longer hold onto it for 12 years like I have done previously. I feel that I have to be around those who are AWAKE and who are not sleepwalking. If they are, I can't connect, energetically or friendship wise AT ALL. It is very important to keep those who are positive around you, because THEY help frame who you are as a person. If you keep negativity around, it will ALWAYS trump positivity. My aim in life is to make others realise their divine reason to be here and help them deal with issues that have plagued them as I had experienced in this lifetime and others. I need to learn confrontation on a deeper level, that is through energy, but it can only be for those who CHOOSE change and not those who CHOOSE to stay in a deep dark hole. I am feminine in this lifetime for this reason, for the reason that I am to birth to two spiritual divine children, I am to be the strength behind one of the most important forces on this earth (my partner). We have many paths in our life that we can choose to take, we either choose to live in the deep dark shadows or we can choose the light and take chances, make choices, love our life and live with intuition, it is all up to us in the end. Others can try to keep you back, keep you thinking that this is all you can have, but think for yourself, be yourself, love yourself, help yourself. Now what do you choose? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnrvBHDZjzE&feature=relmfu

2012 changes so far

My biggest shifts with 2012 have been from June. My partner moved interstate and it was the biggest downturn, turned upturn of my whole 28 years of life. I experienced the biggest change from day 1. After living together for 3 years, I was having to find a housemate and change my living circumstances completely. I found a possible housemate, found a house and it all seemed dandy. However in my emotional state I had made one big mistake. Not choosing a housemate on intuition, but in turn this had to be a lesson learnt and learnt it was. This housemate decided to have a big party the first weekend I was in Melbourne seeing my partner. I kicked him out after not even 2 months of living there. I was going to be traveling interstate every 3 weeks, I did not want to live with such an immature person. His energy was putrid, his attitude was putrid and he did not deserve to live in the same house as me after the way he disrespected me whilst away. My cats were also extremely unhappy being left with him for that weekend. Soooo..... He moved out and I had 2 weeks left to myself, completely alone. That was a very reflective time and I found myself very stressed out and physically, mentally and emotionally drained. I went through a very intense time of fatigue and sickness. I was drinking very heavily to counteract the emotional pain I was enduring from feeling "left" by my partner and feeling isolated from the world, I felt like I had lost the one and only connection that made sense in my life. I caught some kind of horrible virus that effected me so badly my joints were swollen and my whole body could do nothing but sleep. I was burnt out. Then my grandma was admitted into hospital. June/July was a huge transition period for people who could no longer shift and as my mum would say their contract was up. One of my biggest issues I had to deal with when Beth died was my Grandpas death when i was 15. Grandma was admitted to hospital the same day in 1999 as my Grandma in 2012, 13 years later. Grandpa died on 22 July, so did grandma and their funeral was on the same day and time. No doubt they were twin souls. So Grandma going into hospital drove me into a form of insomnia instead, I cried a lot but the tears certainly were healing tears as for the whole two weeks I felt distraught that I would be losing my Grandma, but then once the funeral was over I felt instantly relieved and have not felt grief at all and just pure happiness that she is able to now be with my Grandpa. Then came August. August has been an intense reflective month, with some interesting fatigue/hibernation shifts. My partner has been down in Adelaide for a fair bit of August and I finally quit my job because it was making me feel physically ill every time i thought about the manipulation that happened to me there from management. I could not be happier. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed that i don't have the extra money to pay for my bills, but I will be okay. When i get back to Adelaide I have a temporary job and then I will be making the move to Melbourne as soon as uni is over. I have spent the last few days really reflecting on what mine/my partners life has been so far and I am so pleased of where we are, we just need to be more accepting of our behaviours and decisions and listen to our intuition more, but with habit it won't even be a noticeable choice that is made and pure decision made by the gut without any conscious thought. Another big change that has become something I have no choice on the matter is diet. i just can't physically eat certain foods now or drink certain processed foods without feeling very nauseous and ill and this is purely because my vibration has shifted to a place where only non processed food and drink can be consumed.

Time to say goodbye...

I am about to lose the most inspirational woman in my life and it hurts so so much but at least she will be with Grandpa <3 Doesn't make the grief and loss any easier. That strong independent woman lived in time of war, hiding in bomb shelters, through some amazing despair and fear, and came to Australia to live and bring up a beautiful family and thoroughly enjoy life.So many happy memories ingrained in me from being with my Grandparents as kids/teenagers/adults. I will always be grateful for the woman who judged no-one. Beth Page is an angel on earth. My grandpa died 13 years ago. On this day he had a stroke 17/7/2012 and he died 5 days later on 23/7/2012. Grandma is in hospital fighting for her life, or maybe more like letting her life go. She is being heavily medicated and is basically being left to die in a hospital bed because her body is shutting down. Time to say goodbye. Most beautiful, caring and giving soul I've ever met. My grandma judged noone. At times Im sure she wondered who the hell I was with my piercings and coloured hair, but she never judged me, she just saw me as her grandaughter and gave me unconditional love. I appreciated that. I always knew I was safe with my grandma. I remember times of going to Grandmas house when my little brother was 1 or 2 years old and playing the piano, times of coming over after school and spending time with grandpa and grandma, and grandma would make us sandwiches, with either apricot jam, honey or nutella and it was always topped off with a drink of FRUITA. I loved going to grandmas, I always knew I was safe there. Grandma and Grandpa would have done absolutely anything for us and for that I could never thank them enough. Of everything that I am thankful for is hearing my Grandmas story, her determination, her strength, stubbornness, independent nature so that I can be just as motivated to try to be half as brave as she was. I have experienced many things in my life and I know that Grandma is with Grandpa and that's a nice knowing.

Society is exhausting..

Everyday I live in this world and are apart of this society I am feeling the need to withdraw for a while to collect my core thoughts and energy as I do feel at the moment my sensitive aura is being jabbed with some intense darkness, which could cause issues if I let it and lower my vibration.....not going to let this happen! Time to hermit for a while.

Cycles.

I am really upset. As of 30 minutes ago I turned 28. My last conversation of being 27 was with my Mother who to be honest was not really interested in having a conversation. I will be completely alone for the day of my 28th birthday, because I am sick and my partner lives in Melbourne. Honestly, I am upset and disappointed. It would be nice if I had some support, especially on what is meant to be a happy day but is now going to be alone except for my cats. I have asked to at least have them drop by, but have had no reply. My parents are like that. Sometimes they are really supportive and sometimes they only think of themselves. Probably a defense mechanism. I am stressing myself out again and my joints are killing me, my whole body is killing me. I am at home alone, and therefore have to cook for myself, clean for myself and do my washing, this all becomes very painful. How am I meant to relax and rest when I have all of this to do because I am alone? Cats can only help with emotional support and cuddles, but they aren't there for household chores. It hurts. I really needed support and I thought that for one day I could get it, especially from a family that are usually quite supportive and communicative. I feel so alone that I wonder what's the fucking point? I'd never do anything as I see everything as a lesson, and I probably shouldn't have exploded tonight with tears but I just lost it. I got annoyed at my partner because he wasn't listening to me and I was already pissed off my own Mother was fobbing me off on the phone. Now he's pissed off with me and as much as I did feel upset at the time, I was frustrated at him not listening. It's a long time of not listening. It has been an issue in the past and it just popped up again and became an increased frustration. He says can't I call on someone? Who? I've got friends who are already doing as much as they can for me, what else can I expect? Unfortunately I am not going to ask someone to come look after me, I honestly thought my parents would think a little harder, but I honestly wonder whether they think I'm not that bad, or something as they haven't actually witnessed the joint swelling... I really see Kanes "alien' side when he's like this too. He can't connect with me and I can feel that it has been happening for a while now... he cannot comprehend what it is like to be human and have emotions and be empathetic at all. Our conversation goes back and forth of him feeling he can't connect and can't help me and I'm constantly putting out energy to ground him....yet I am doing the same fucking thing when I'm asking for some support....so it just never ends. Sometimes I'd almost rather just to be alone than to deal with this. I know it's getting me ready for some serious intense living, but wow what a heartbreaking time, for us both. To feel so disconnected from your soulmate, who you know you will be with no matter what for this lifetime, because he is alien and you are earth rooted, is incredible. I'm not even angry at him, I'm not even disappointed, I'm just trying to get him to understand that he is going to go through this cycle over and over again until he really does start listening to his intuition, because that's why he's in this lifetime, having to learn the same thing over and over again. I also know in my heart he will come over to Adelaide for my birthday and make me feel better and make me feel loved. This is just such a hard time for us. I'm glad he's over there though. I know these lessons are to be learned. Now I must go tend to these emotionally painful joints.

My incredible life.

Backstory. I've been really sick and didn't know why.. I had a cold, which turned into tonsil pain.. Then I started getting very sore joints, which has turned lovingly into intense inflammation of my knee, ankle, wrist, finger and elbow joints. Doctor says : May be auto immune response, could be 1000000 different things. Blood test, steroids, panadol, heatpacks, deep heat. I ran myself a bath. I put 4 small candles on each corner of the bath. I lit a sage incense stick. Turned the lights off. I slipped into the hot bath. I asked for guidance. Basically what happened: Just had the most intense experience. I lit 4 candles around my bath and put sage incense on. I could feel a shadow, guide, maybe monk in there with me He said this is all about clearance and learning how to deal with my emotions. Because Im a water sign I keep everything emotional inside instead of calming myself down. So he told me next time I get angry Im to count to 5, meditate and work out whether it's worth getting angry. If it isn't then calm the fuck down. If it is, then go nuts you've made the CHOICE instead of just exploding. Then he said to use Tiger as a healer (My female cat) because thats what she's here for. She mewed for me at the door. and I let her in and she just sat on the basin with me. I had left the door open. and.. Milky came in (My other cat - male) and the guide told me Milkys comfort. so use Milky for comfort, but he's not very smart. Milky came in and was mewing and derping hard wondering what I was doing, whereas Tiger was on the basin overseeing. I could see the guide in my shadow in the shower,which I was facing. He told me that Id find another job and not to worry about calling in sick as it will work itself out within 2 mon ths, but to look in more holistic areas instead of places I wouldn't enjoy, I need to work somewhere where Im giving and taking, as my current workplace just takes. and he also said the inflammation will clear up Everyone (doctors etc) will think it's due to the steroids but it's because I've cleansed myself I was breathing in really deep at that stage "RACHEL" and breathing out darkness which is something Lyn used to get me to do The deeper I breathed, the more beautiful everything seemed. It was like every breath was covering me with white snow, like I was trekking through the snow to get to the other side, it just kept going, feeling more cleansed each time. He said to burn a sage incense stick anytime I need some calming and to meditate more I even took in the tibetan art of positive thinking book in with me, but turned the light off so I wasnt sure why but thats why. Anywhere I take that book, it's like he's with me... I feel really good now The horrible headache I had has gone now and my body isn't in pain, there's still swelling but much less pressure He told me to go completely vegan Look up some recipes get meat out of my life because it will causes issues with my joints thats what the chemist lady said too the other day He said eat smart and treat myself well ALSO I got out of the bath and came into my bedroom and felt like putting on squarepusher which is only on cd.... My cd player has been fucking up BIGTIME like the laser won't pick anything up.... I wasnt able to play cds at all. I had squarepusher in the cd bit I pressed play and it wouldnt work Im like come on I want you to work so I put all this energy into it it was scrambling around for ages trying to work and it fucking worked. I was like O_O Positive fucking energy So yeah.... Mind exploding. He also said to eat whatever I want til I get off the roids because I need shit food right now for comfort but once Im healthy to get the fuck into eating really well He also said.... Ive had spirits in my house just hanging around for days and the last 2 days ive been really ill they havent been around (which tbh has been nice ) but he said its because im sick but i will be learning how to send them to the light eventually but it will be ok and not so creepy like it has been because I will know what to do

Visions/

Every night as I am going to sleep I meditate to relax my body and mind...and deep breathe until I float away into some kind of beautiful space, with no boundaries and full of light. I often envision things that I may not understand yet. The other night I had a vision of a little girl about 7-8 years old and I knew she was my daughter. She had golden/strawberryish coloured hair and freckles and she said to me Mummy, where's Daddy?" and I said back "He's just away for a while baby, he'll be back soon" and she said "OK" and ran off happy. Then I saw a little boy about 3-4 years old and then the vision ended and I fell asleep. It was the most amazing beautiful comforting feeling I've ever had, except when my Grandpa visits me. I have also had visions of ghosts walking past my kitchen window. One had a checkered shirt on. I had no idea what the relevance of this was. I then had another vision of 2 men renovating/doing flooring in the house and one had a checkered shirt on. Still not 100% sure what this is about but I'm sure I will find out soon enough.

Detached.

I feel very removed from society and everything around me. I know this is what depression is. I've felt it before, experienced it before, had to deal with it before and I've risen above it before. I want to immerse myself in everything so I don't have to the need to think and can just be numb. I know this shouldn't be what I want to feel, but the emotions, hormones, lack of self right now is hard to deal with. I am not used to feeling like this. Before I met Kane I felt like this, during the start of our relationship I felt like this, for a fair amount of up until he left Adelaide I did not feel like this, so this feeling is understood and known by my body and mind, and becomes a comfortable feeling and memory that is like a blanket that keeps me warm in winter, however I know it's not healthy and I know it's not something that's natural as I've felt natural before and this is a foreign emotion now. I still revert back to the memories and I convince myself that everything is natural and normal, even though it's not. I want to break down, scream, hit things, cry. This is not stress. This is emotional distress. I am sad. I am lonely. I am angry. I am feeling irrational. I am not able to control the emotions or able to stop the sadness and flowing of tears. I am not able to objectively see, like I used to. I hate my life now you've gone. I hate that I am talking to myself and what's the fun in that? I hate that I have to feel this just because you've left, why can't I just be happy on my own? I have bits and pieces of happiness but mostly drab, sad, aloneness that claws at me from the inside, makes me feel physically ill and hate myself more than I've ever hated myself. Why? Why is this happening to me? I can't focus on what's important, I can't sleep soundly, I can't think clearly, all I feel is sadness and it overwhelms me like a huge black cloud. I have a consistant thunderstorm, hailing down, it's cold, wet and distressing. How do I overcome this feeling? How do I get myself to understand being alone is okay? I get my energy from others, I am extroverted and I find that just being around my cats is not enough to sustain my self core. I have a significent other, who I live and breathe for, he cannot understand this as he at his core is alone, himself, nothing else and in fact feels alien to this world. I on the other hand, I am completely connected to the earth and the environment, so I feel what the earth feels and have to deal with the energy. I find there is a blurred line. Every now and then I feel good, but then it creeps back in and I completely lose direction. I can be irrational, and even not wanting to exist at all. What a scary world to be in. When Kane was over in Adelaide he had a really amazing experience that blew his mind and we both felt so connected, then it goes again. The feeling of him being in my energy field made me happy, the feeling of him not being in my energy field fills me with sadness, void and lethargy. I feel like I have no ability to be without him. I know I can, of course I can, but I just can't stop the emotions and hormones and shitty thoughts that convince me I can't be without him. Why is this happening? Of course I'm being taught a lesson and I will most likely come out the other side feeling quite adequate and happy, but I feel like whilst i feel devestated and dark, I don't have support, I feel incredibly alone and deeply disturbed. \ Happiness comes with knowing, and without knowing I have nothing.

The move & relationship survival

To be perfectly frank, I've been doing too much thinking lately, many thoughts that could lead to emotional nightmare, but mostly rational and intuitive thoughts that could deem me to be crazy, but I do get through it. Kane and I lived in a very old house. We constantly had issues at that house and were told many things about the house. The house did seem to be a portal to the spiritual and alien world/s and we experienced many things at that house that we have never experienced at any other residence. Kane had a few of his first "contacts" there which were his spirit guide, a big indian man with an eagle, who was guiding him. My spirit guide is my Grandpa who is nearly always around me. So....I started experiencing small things like dreams, dreams that would unlock information as this is the "best way" to get through to people, mostly my Grandpa would come into dreams when I needed him the most, or I'd dream about things in the future or have "real" dreams that you can NEVER forget that will explain something happening in my life at the time. At that house we always felt like it was a chaotic energy portal and we never felt like we could wake up properly, sleep properly or even do ANYTHING, we always felt lazy and drudged down. The backyard was weird as there was a "man" in the back shed staring at us at all times, every single room was weird at that house. It was an old house and we were even told by a spiritual friend that someone had a ritual in the back room which was the worst energetically. My new house, however is completely different, I walked into there knowing that if any energy is in there it's easily cleared by sage and honestly felt like I was free again.... We were cleaning up the old house and we found we had this nagging voice in our heads saying "You can't leave" and Kane and I both shouted, WE'RE LEAVING!!!!!! forcefully, it was INTENSE. Anyone who is spiritually inclined found the house weird, heavy and dark. The house can never be clean. This move happened because Kane FINALLY made the choice to move states where he could get work and as much as it has been emotionally demanding on us it is teaching us a WHOLE new lesson in life....well many lessons. We are very much in sync too.... But fuck I miss him!!!!!

Why Im so spiritual today...

I spent a long time in my life wondering what happens when I die.

I had panic attacks.
When I thought about it I felt physically ill.

I met Kane and he had a completely different view.
The polar opposite.

I feared everything.
FEARED EVERYTHING.
I was scared.

My Mum started to go on a spiritual journey for a while...
She went overseas to a whole lot of different countries...at the time I did not understand...

Now I do.

I've started my own Path.

It all started with a little tab called acid.

On 30 June 2011 I had some friends over my house for some drinks. One of those friends was a really good mate I've known for a long time and he gave me a tab of acid for my birthday.
I was not a big fan of LSD as I had a really bad experience on acid (dexter) when I was 19 and had lost my mind.
Now 3 months later, a very special friend would kill herself and completely change the community forever, for the better.

June 30 marked yet another birthday and presents one played the most important part - the LSD. Named "GINESH" elephant ACTUAL LSD.

Drugs really aren't my thing and something I dabbled with anymore, but I knew eventually Kane and I would have a tab each and lose our minds for 12 hrs. We actually lost the tabs at one stage as well but somehow found them in a plastic bin on the door. Very weird!

One night we made the choice to have them, our housemate was going out and it seemed like the best time. Not knowing what I'd experience I was very nervous and took half. Kane's metabolism works faster than mine so that hit his off quicker. I was still waiting and nothing kicked in so I (stupidly) took the other half.

Kane started acting all crazy, grabbing the video camera all Hunter S Thompson alike.

My mind was slowly becoming more fragile as time went by and I knew the acid was kicking in...

We soon found ourselves in the spare room leaning against the mattress and my whole entire body split like I no longer existed. I freaked out and grabbed Kane and he grabbed me and we felt like we were sinking into each other, like we were one soul, not two. Kane actually started sobbing because he found the boards of canada song that was playing was so beautiful and at that moment we were so incredibly connected.

I spent a long time doing a painting, writing a whole bunch of creative words that I felt meant what we do in life and how we live with colours.

I spent some time writing down everything that was said......Kane called tim to find out if we actually existed, tim came around.
Except in my mind Tim was an illusion and tim did not actually exist...

Tim then became a ghost and not real but then became different personalities of tim...man was I tripping out!

The next day we awoke feeling quite exhausted and like we'd fun a marathon.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Also this..

http://www.kellyresearchtech.com/images/krr/krr-2-4-meridians.pdf

It all seems too much sometimes.

Okay so I've been finding it really hard to get anything out lately. I've been working so much I feel like my only useful words are "Welcome to Adelaide Metro this is Rachel how can I help you?"...

I'm noticing so many things right now....

This week has been FUCKING HECTIC.

My Mum has been going through some "evolutionary" processes with KNOWING there's a huge problem with her and Dad but not accepting that change is the only option as he won't admit or change, especially while she pushes the issue, but she also lets him get to her and that causes issues and she thinks she can just stay at the house and "detach" which I don't think is possible, since the issues stem back 35 years, she will just slink back into the bullshit again and the same manipulative game playing.

It made me sad, because I realised how much I am like my father, well was.
Before I had the big "wakeup" I call it in June 2011 when I started to treat myself like I deserved to live, I was manipulative, I lied, I was a pretty shit person, but I hated myself because I did not believe I had any worth being alive. This was indeed shit, but I had learnt these traits from my Dad, these traits are NOT who I actually am at my core, which is nice to know, because I was NOT a nice person from 15-24. I came back to Adelaide and my whole life changed. It wasn't until Beth died that I woke the fuck up though, well 6 months later.

Anyway.
So this happened.
I've been trying to not be sucked in emotionally, but the thought of my mum just sitting and putting up with hurts. I want her to fly free like the beautiful person she is and not be held back by my Dad who is stagnant and institutionalised. Yes I'm not just wanting to chuck dirt on Dad, he is a great guy, just not a good emotional person, but I guess that's why I always went to Mum about that stuff. He is a cop afterall.

THE GOOD NEWS. My brother is coming to Adelaide for his 30th in March and Mum is going to rent an apartment in Glenelg for the weekend = Awesome!

The worse news (but could get better news)
My Mum rings me at work. Goes to messagebank. She says she needs to talk to me. I've still got 5 hrs of my shift, so I call her at 8pm.

She starts to tell me that she has to tell me some news as she had to tell Brendan because her chiropractor devulged some information to my brother that he probably should have kept to himself - the information being that she MAY have had a small stroke in a part of her brain on Monday. Her symptoms (before and after) point to yes, the MRI scan on 7 March will say YAY OR NAY.

What hurts is that she didn't tell us.
Why?
Why keep that shit inside?

I think it hurts me more emotionally knowing she keeps all that shit inside. 35 years of hurt inside.

It hurts.
The whole worlds energy hurts right now.

I'm so sensitive to the world, I spend 8 hrs a fucking day talking to whinging cunts. It hurts.

Somehow I NEED TO DETACH from this.


I'm sad.
I grew up in a house where my parents fought a lot.
It hurts.
I find it hard to even talk about now because it just seemed so natural to grow up in.

I wish they broke up when I was a kid, then they may actually be happy.

:(

My Mum is so gorgeous and my dad brings out the worst in her, my mum nags and my dad withdraws, it's just a cycle of shit.

/sigh.

It can only get better from here though, awareness is the first step.


Onwards and Upwards.

Energy...

We leave an energy trail as we are walking around so when we visit people the energy will follow, if we die the energy stays there, it is constantly around. I can read auras and I could map out the aura trail of energy people leave. This is why it's important to cleanse our homes and be careful of certain people we are around as they can be "energy thieves" or "energy vampires" as it is often called. These terms are not bullshit, they are real, people can suck the energy out of us very quickly, they don't realise they're doing it as when their energy is a dark colour/shades of dark/black/grey they are often misguided

Universe.

Everything that exists is permeated by a Universal energy that connects and nourishes all of life. This energy has been called by many different names, such as chi and prana. This is the energy that integrally supports the life process in all its aspects, the material operations of the physical self, the functions and emotions of the mind, and our spiritual selves. The energy in this field is not lifeless or inert, rather it is active and intelligent. It can be considered a manifestation of the Universal consciousness that is the source of each of us and the entire universe. This is the energy that connects us to each other, the realm of pure consciousness, the spiritual source of life made manifest in the physical realm. One way to view this energy is to see it as a bridge between the realm of pure spirit and the manifested material world.
If this energy field is healthy and free of fragments, the living person will exhibit good health in all its physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects. Harmony will be a part of this person's life. However, oftentimes dysfunctional energy patterns are present in the energy field. Believe me, this occurs more often than not!

Kane

Kane is experiencing the sensitivity that is energy.
He is now experiencing the same thing I have been experiencing, where you can see/feel auras, see the energy around a person and feel their deepest darkest secrets.

Sometimes it can be useful, sometimes it's just damn scary.

8 feb 2012

Things I seem to be experiencing since 2012 changes/solar flare changes/moon changes/planetary shifts

Physical changes:

Weight loss
Tingling
Ringing in ear
energy changes when in light/dark energy

It is much quicker and easier to deal with emotional problems. The instances may be upsetting but less time is spent stewing over issues.

The want to confront and communicate is very powerful and I can't imagine being passive aggressive anymore.

The want to surround myself with people whose energies are blue/white/yellow/pinkish/red is more inviting than being around anyone with a darker energy as they have caused myself to feel physically ill and this is not favourable.

The want for more in life and to make a difference is greater, I am here for others now I am able to help them.

My dreams are very important psychically and with dealing with issues that may be important for me to deal with for my ability to lose the weight which I have gained through collecting the worlds plus my emotional pain.

Past life and childhood regression is very important to move on.

Asking before you go to sleep to be guided in your dreams for opening experiences, the minds eye and to be ascended further into the 5th dimension is important.

To open myself up to conversations with spirits and intuition and listening to myself instead of anyone else is really important.

Everything happens for a reason and this is true to me.

Death is in no way the end, our soul continues into another body.

Learning more about extra-terrestrials - the good the bad and the ugly (haha)

Control and power are 2 things that are no longer neccesary for ascension, as we are our own individuals and do not need or want to control others as this is purely egotistic, negative and can only show a dark energy

Eating well - eating 6 meals a day - drinking lots of water and exercising regularly -
In saying that, not beating myself up if I slip as I am recognising that I will be emotional at some point and I am luckly because it is only short term and not long term as it used to be.

Understand there is no tier in spiritual development, as we are all naturally gifted, it's just about opening ourself to possibilities and opportunities.

Loving myself before I can love anyone else, being happy with my own company before I can be happy within myself

Admitting my faults and working on them
Lately my faults have been;
Being too negative
Talking about others because they may mirror how I feel about myself (lack of confidence, self esteem issues, negativity, depression, anxiety, sadness)

In saying this I have been experiencing people who are clearly not okay with themselves are putting that back on me that the confrontation and communication that I would like to have for me to deal with my emotional issues and pain, is seen as my "loving of conflict" and "promoting negativity". This is very interesting because these people have shown time and time again to show signs of depression and paranoia and definitive self esteem issues and therefore compensating for that. It is interesting that they are in fact talking about me the way that I see them, so who's right? It's a hard one, but I'll keep attempting to better myself and really look into myself and work through my flaws and faults so that I can always work towards the person I want to be at the core.

passive aggressive nono

An interesting week it has been and in the end I made a very important choice to stand up and face and confront my emotional pain that was passive aggressive behaviour.

I will persevere!

I had a huge emotional breakdown today.
I couldn't find anything that fit well.
I got shitty and cracked the shits.
I cried.
I sat on my bed in my underwear and shoes and cried.
I cried and cried.
We went to go to the shops because I did not want to be home anymore.
I cried some more.
I felt so hopeless..

But I know now what to do.
I WILL let go of my fears.
I WILL exercise everyday no matter what.
I WILL eat well and drink water, NO EXCEPTIONS!

I CANNOT go back to the way I was!
and I WILL NOT!

Spirits & sprites

Last night we had a visitation from Kanes spirit guide. He was standing in the corner of our room. I was in bed and Kane was asleep on the couch. The energy was becoming so intense I had to get Kane. It is interesting because Kane will experience the spiritual visions and pictures, whereas I will experience conversation. At one stage I said to Kane, it's your spirit guide, isn't it? and he was definite it was. Kane experienced images such as the ocean and a world underneath it, another civilisation, and that 23 Jan 2012 would be a really big day and it's the next shift.... I could see kanes spirit guide as a big indian man with arms as wings that went around kane like a protector, he was floating above us for a while and that was a really nice feeling. I like him. He is also Kanes brother from a past life.

ELectric energy!

On 18 Jan I could not sleep I could feel the electric energy all around me and going in and out of my skull.. Last night (19th Jan) my partner had the same thing, he slept on the couch as he was tossing and turning in bed and he saw lights flashing into the house (impossible as to where he was sleeping) and felt the same electric energy. So incredibly fascinating.

I also had a dream last night (19 Jan) which I believe was a past life, I was a white girl as apart of a very rich family and it was a time when black and white could not copulate, and I had lots of brothers and sisters, and my sister was in love with a black man, I went away and had a whole life away from the family, I remember I was a prostitute and lived in a poor area, I had american money though, I remember having lots of american money. I had left the family house because I was lost and didn't know my direction (which seems a pattern in my female past lives) My father married 2 or 3 times and I had lots of half brother and sisters. I had seen one of my brothers when I got back and he was very tall and I hugged him. It felt so real and I knew the house back to front in the dream. Eventually, I came back to the house to see my family and it was now okay for black and white to copulate, and my sister had married and had sons with the black man, I had also got married and had 2 children, boys. The last part of the dream is my 3 brothers mucking around but burning the house down at the same time.

This is the beginning of change..

Some will not be ready to make the change. The biggest change of all generations. Some will perish, from their own hand, because the challenge is too heavy. This is reality. Look within yourself, at the changes you can make and you can do anything and be who you are at the core. We are humans with layers, this is true, layers of regret, past influences, past pain, emotional baggage, but we do not have to live with this, that is a choice. Do you wonder everyday who you are? What you are at your core? You CAN find this, you really have to break the darkness away. Will you make the choice to change? Or allow it to manifest inside you? Life is all about choice. As humans we can be happy, we can feel adjusted, we just need to forgive ourselves.It is time to take hold of those things you hold close, they are not important anymore, you have held on too long. I held onto 2 deaths for 12 years, it was too long, and time to let go. They are always with us, even if they have left this physical place.

Some read this and think I am mad. They do not want to change. They want to stay in the same mindset, because it is easier to do so. I made the choice because I know in all of my being that I had to change. It was time to rid of the emotional pain and torture that I tormented myself with everyday. It was time to learn why I was feeling so dark and hateful of myself. Bullying, death, grief, family problems, relationship problems, no-one is without baggage, it is whether we choose to deal with this baggage or stay in the same realm of thought.

However, if you choose to keep the baggage, you will slowly feel physical pain, your back will hurt from carrying all the baggage and other body parts will start to deteriorate. This is natural. We cannot, as humans, carry all of this emotional pain. In saying this, it is human nature to not want to get help, to want to stay in the deep dark depths of darkness. One day you may wake up and make that change, this will often happen after a major event or breakdown, and this is the chance you've waited for.

People around you will start to think you've gone insane. They will stop hanging around you because they want to stay in their own little world without any positive influence at all. They will manipulate others into thinking you're crazy and a bad person for the changes you make. You will start to be yourself at your core, honest, happy, positive. Your morals and values will start to show and some people around you will fear this. They will speak badly because you've changed, you're not the person they once knew, and you know what? Thankfully you have changed. Your life is more wholesome, more fulfilling, more encouraging and you don't wake up every morning wishing you were dead, what a horrible person you are!

In the end, you're better off without the negative surroundings, the people who only live a reality that is a facade, their life is not real, they wake up exhausted, because they are not resting when they sleep, their bodies weep out negative energy to all they are around, they have egos which overcompensate who they are at the core, they pretend to be someone else, they run away from everything in life rather than confront anything, they are misguided by their own negative self.

Finding a sense of self is a really big deal. It will be physically demanding for months, it is something that once you realise, you can NEVER go back, because living for yourself is the most beautiful gift you've ever received, from yourself. You stand for what you believe in finally and you are not going to go back under any circumstances. You will really start to see those around you who do not service you positively anymore and this is one of the hardest things to see and feel. You will lose patience and tolerance for those who cannot see good in themselves and good in their lives, they do not appreciate what they have and this is frustrating to someone whose life had changed.

This is our reality and we can do what we want with it, you just have to make the choice, do you want to live in the dark or the light? It really is that simple.

How I see the world.

I see the world so differently. Your drive for existance doesn't have to be to have a child. Yes we are here for procreation, however not everyone is here for that, some are here to die at 5 years old, some are here to serve different purposes, if we spend our whole lives being angry and pessimistic about one thing of our life we end up very sad lonely people. I've learnt that one the hard way. But I chose to put those things behind me as I could never move on without doing that, and I have.
You can't control everything in life.
Even though as humans we try our best to control everything, it's impossible and the more we try to control the more we lose control of ourselves and who we are. Best to let go and enjoy the adventure. Sure some of it sucks but nothing is going to be perfect, the sooner we as humans see that the sooner we reach a more positive existance.

Sweet Dreams?

I've been having these weird dreams.
They started on the 8th Jan. Admittedly it was a full moon on 9th at 6:30pm which IS in my star sign (Cancer)...the weirdest dreams though.

I dreamt that a man who looked like Kane shot me with a "ray gun". It didn't have bullets but was shooting me and changing me, no idea how/why etc.

I then dreamt 9th Jan that The same "kane" was tuning me like a radio and when he had tuned it it felt amazing energetically and was an incredible feeling....weird.